Suicidal after abortion

[Topaz89]

I had an abortion last week that I now deeply regret and I am deeply ashamed about it. I am changed forever and I can't see a way forward apart from ending it all.

Am I ever going to live a normal life again? If not then there is no point being here.

PS I am not suggesting for a moment that that child would in any way replace the child that you have lost and who you will remember, in your own way. It struck me, however, that it might be a focus for your feelings, when they feel overwhelming, to know that you can act on those dark days or mark those special occasions by doing something, with results that you can appreciate or enjoy together.

HTH

Hi Topaz

Apologies for the recent silence.

I'm sorry this is all so hard at the moment. I had no children when I had my abortion. I had no intention of having children. I never thought I'd feel that intense loss .

You asked how long you would feel this way. I had ups and downs. I'd think I was OK and then something would happen and I'd crash back down. Alot of this was punishing myself or feeling guilty for being happy. I eventually realised I deserved to be happy.

Certain milestones were difficult. The estimated due date was quite hard. But I think after that date passed I began to properly recover. You won't always feel like this.

Have you had a look over on the Pass message board?

@Topaz89 I went through an abortion last December, next week is when I found out last year I was pregnant, and I keep thinking about it. I ended up in counselling and taking anxiety and depression meds. I'm slowly wearing myself off them now I'm feeling better. Your hormones will be all over the place for a while and it truly is awful, but there is light at the end, I promise. Babies predicted due date came and went, and I felt OK. Every time I go on holiday I light a candle and say a prayer, in a new church. it comforts me and makes me feel like he/she is still with me, and I feel like I'm keeping the memory alive somehow, because it was loved and was real and I myself needed to acknowledge that in order to move forward and make peace with the decision. I'm here if you need to to talk, as if everyone else

FreshStart That's a really nice idea. I hadn't thought of that. Like you say it will be a positive way to focus my feelings. I will look in to it.

Changebags I have had a look at it and joined up. Were they helpful to you and do you still go on there?
I've had a good few days and I thought I was doing ok but I've completely crashed again I just want a time machine and to go back to when I fell pregnant and to not have sex.

areyou I'm in counselling and it does help for a short while but then by my next appointment I'm a mess again. I was prescribed antidepressants but I never took them because I was scared of becoming reliant on them and then feeling like I can't function without them.
I've not been able to bring myself to do anything ceremonial. I just can't do it because I find it too emotional. Maybe in time I will be able to face it.

I can't cope. I really can't 😢😢

They helped me beyond belief. I think it's because every one of those women has through the same thing.

It's 13 years since my abortion so these days I only go back every now and then to keep up with people. I used to be a volunteer there too. I'm very good friends with Jilly, the owner of the site and a number of other women.

They really brought me back from a bad place. In fact if I read my old posts it's hard to believe I'm the same person.

@Topaz89 you don't need to do anything ceremonial if you don't feel it helps. That's just me personally. Antidepressants are a last resort but my god they can help you to feel yourself again. Slowly pieces of yourself will come back. I promise ❤️

I really want my old self back.
I really really thought I was making the right decision at the time.

The thing that makes it worse for me is that I wanted it done quickly so that I could avoid having the suction method done as I thought that would be too traumatic for me. This gave me less time to think things through properly as time was running out. If I was over the limit for the medical then I wouldn't have had an abortion. I was about a week within the limit. Had I been a week further ahead, I would still be pregnant now.
Also I now know people would have been supportive and non judgmental. I was in a bad place mentally and I was worried about what people would think of me having a 4th child when I'm already struggling. I feel like the pregnancy ended because I was worried about what people would say about me having another one. I feel like such a failure as a mum for not protecting that little life inside me.

You protect 3 other little lives day in and day out you are so far from a bad mother. I dont believe for a second that your only reason for getting the procedure was because what others would have thought, you are just saying that as an other way of punishing yourself.

No Mustang it definitely wasn't.
I feel like I'm feeling worse as the weeks go by rather than better. At first I was just numb and didn't feel anything. But now the initial numbness has gone, these feelings of fear, loss, sadness, guilt and shame are so intense.

Is anyone around to talk?? 😢

Hey Topaz, how are things? Sorry if my last post came across as insensitive it wasn't meant like that. I just see how incredibly hard on yourself you are being. You don't deserve to have to deal with that.

Hi Mustang. I'm still really suffering, probably more so than I was weeks ago 🙁 My head is just fucked it really is. I gave up on my baby when I should have been protecting it.
I am so ashamed of myself for that I've done. I was always one of those who was pro choice for everyone else but pro life for me, and I feel like a total hypocrite now. The fact that I have had an abortion disgusts me. But at the time it's like I was possessed! I had/have strong feelings towards abortion and i truly don't know what came over me.

This is why I am torturing myself. Abortion was never supposed to be part of my life or who I am. Never. But now it is and now I can't accept it or live with it. I was supposed to carry all of my children and bring them in to the world but I didn't. Now because of me, one of them will always be missing. How am I possibly going to be at peace with something like that?
I see all these big families who have had 4 children and I think that could have been me. Why didn't I just have a bit more faith in myself that I could do it?
I can't think of how I'm going to cope in the future when I see children the same age as what this one would have been. I just fear I have a lifetime of misery ahead of me. Another child would NOT have given me that. 🙁 I'm only 28 so that will be many years of suffering.

I was so happy with life and so full of life before all this happened. Now I really am just plodding along for my boys' sake, faking the smiles and the excitement for things so that they won't see that anything is wrong with their mummy.
My eldest has asked a few times recently when am I going to have another baby and that he really wants me to have one. That is always like a punch in the heart. All I wanted to do was cuddle him and say I have got one in my tummy and to see his eyes light up, but instead I cuddled him and said mummy won't be having any more babies sweetheart.

💔

It is so tough and I can't say how you are feeling is even remotely wrong. I can't say it will get easier or easier to deal with with every day that passes. You could write letters to your baby putting all your thoughts and fears into them and store them, you could even take pictures of things and little keepsakes. Store them make them memories for you. I

You are doing incredibly well to be hanging in there for your boys it's a really brave thing to do as it's so easy to retreat to your own wee world. You are so strong for carrying on.

It will feel heartbreaking for you but they don't know about the baby so they will all likely ask for more siblings at some point. They aren't doing it to hurt you.

You are already spread thin remember this and there is more of you for them when not split into 4 especially with one of your backers having extra needs too.

You really do sound like an incredible lady and at 28 yeah it's a long time to live with your grief but it's also a long time to be able to channel it somewhere once you feel strong enough and make a difference elsewhere that's important to you.

I hope you get some reprieve soon from your grief you deserve it.

Hi, I'm really sad to say that I'm not feeling any better
I'm grieving the pregnancy, the person I once was and the life I used to have. I look in the mirror and I can see the toll this has taken on me. I used to be vibrant and alive, now my eye areas are black and my face is a mess. You can see the grief on my face and in my eyes. My eyes say it all.

I really just want to curl up and die most days.

Hi Topaz
Having read your thread through all at once, it is screaming out at me that you are seriously depressed, medically speaking, and you absolutely must get some help. It's not always possible to pull yourself up by your boot straps - depression is like a fog in your head and a weight in your body. Whilst you are depressed you will find it very hard to see straight and recover.
Please try taking some anti depressants, for at least a month - they can be a lifesaver. Literally.
Sorry I have to go now. Take care of yourself.

The problem with abortion is that people only see the negative parts of it, for example the regret and forget about how hard having another child would have been.

It must be awful to feel such regret.

I had a surgical abortion at 18 weeks and it was awful but I would not have coped with having another baby by a man who could not have cared less.

I think you need to get some proper counselling.

Also how would you have coped with four children when your relationship is not the most stable?

I would have found it very difficult and my children would have also struggled too. I had to think about them, but now the pregnancy has gone I am convincing myself I would have coped and made it work. I feel selfish for not giving that one a chance to life like I did the other ones.

The what ifs and the guilt are killing me.

Topaz am so sorry for what you are going through. You could give these people a ring they offer non judgemental after abortion counselling.
Pregnancy Counselling
If you need help in a crisis pregnancy situation of any kind, including after abortion, please get in touch on 07771142337 or on 02075812623 and we will do whatever possible to be of assistance.

Thank you MyDcAreMarvel x

The what ifs and the guilt are killing me
Your mind sort of "plays tricks" on you too.

Your mind keeps saying, "it would have been OK, I would have managed" but it is just tricking you.

What if the baby had any issues that meant it needed more care, how on Earth would you have coped?

What about your other kids??

I actually think that sometimes even though it is so hard, having an abortion takes far more bravery than people realise and it is kinder on the mother and her existing children.

I read that your relationship has issues at the moment, surely a fourth child would have been so hard??

What about your other kids??
My eldest craves attention and I already feel so guilty that I can't always give that to him because obviously I have 2 little ones that need constant supervision. But at the same time he's been asking when I will have another baby in my tummy because it will be really special. Usually I would laugh that off and say no way. He's only 6 though and I think he would rather have more of me than another baby sibling. He already says his brothers are annoying.

My relationship does have issues. A lot of them. Having another baby would have been very difficult but I feel so bad on the potential baby that it didn't get to live because me and my partner are having issues .

You've done it now. You can't change that. You can and will change how bad you feel though. Eventually.

I promise you it gets better. I aborted a very wanted baby. Long story short, it ended in me attempting suicide and then released to a mental health care team who wouldn't let me leave my house.

I've felt like you did. Even after the attempt I would self harm in an attempt to right the damage.

Bit by bit you will come to terms with what you've done. I know it feels now like you never will.

The guilt lessens over time.

I can sit here and think about it and talk about it with just a dull sadness. If you'd told me that years ago there's no way I'd have believed you.

What happened in my particular situation I had PTSD which didn't help. And no counselling or support. I pulled myself through it, many others do and I PROMISE you, you will too.

But at the same time he's been asking when I will have another baby in my tummy because it will be really special
Why would a six year old be asking this?

Did you give him a reason to??

Even if he wants another sibling, he doesn't decide that.

I know that all this has been hard on you but you sound as if you worry too much about what other people want from you.

You need to start thinking ahead and moving on, not dwelling.

You must be kept busy in the day with the boys.

When are you finding time to think about this, all the time or just at specific times??

Can you visit the GP and ask for more counselling?

The sertraline must be having an effect by now so that is good.

I don't know, I guess it's because of baby Jesus. He hasn't mentioned it for about a week now. I just hope he hasn't over heard me saying anything to my partner or anything.
I think about it all no matter what I'm doing, but it gets worse when I'm not doing much/I'm on my own/lay awake at night.