Suicidal after abortion

[Topaz89]

I had an abortion last week that I now deeply regret and I am deeply ashamed about it. I am changed forever and I can't see a way forward apart from ending it all.

Am I ever going to live a normal life again? If not then there is no point being here.

Oh my word OP you've got your hands full. I can see why you had an abortion. I've got 3 kids and they are all neurotypical, and I know there is no way on this planet I'd cope with 4. When I was with ex we'd discussed if contraception failed- I would have gone down the same route as you.

With 3 I don't think it gets easier as they get older- it gets harder, because they all do different things, often at the same time. 3 lots of homework, 3 lots of clubs/activities that require mum taxi. It gets really hard to spend the time that they need with each child- I feel like I'm constantly spinning plates, just trying to keep up. With an autistic child already you have extra demands on your time and emotions. There are possible genetic reasons for autism as you probably know, and so there would have been a high chance of having 2 autistic kids to look after, as well as your other children. You've got small kids at the moment and they are easily portable/get told what to do at that age but when your children are older you will be able to clearly see you made the right decision.

That's not going to help you now. Please, call whoever you need to, post on here, you just need to get through this period hour by hour, day by day at the moment. Your children need you, and love you.

Thank you. I'm glad I can turn to here for support. It's been such a rough week
I know I made the right decision but I have unbearable grief and guilt at the same time. I'm dreading all anniversaries such as the due date which was at the beginning of June, the date I had the abortion, Christmas, even Halloween and bonfire night.
I still can't believe I've done it. It's something I never thought I could go through but here I am with this on my shoulders and on my conscience. I feel so ashamed.

forest my children are all very little. They are 2, 4 and 6. All boys. They are wonderful but also a handful as you can imagine!
They went to a firework display last night with my parents which they really enjoyed.
I managed to have 2 slices of toast this morning.

I seemed OK this morning as I had a counselling session, but now I'm feeling dark again now. I'm dreading tonight even more, when it's all quiet and there is nobody to talk to

3 boys - I'm sure that's hard work, but I'll bet that's also a lot of fun. I always thought boys toys were much better than the stuff I got as a kid!
We're here all the time if you want to chat.

Oh yes it is so much fun! They are amazing.
I really hope I've made the right decision. It's all I can think about day in day out.

Topaz, I know that if I let my heart rule my head, my life would be an utter disaster!
You did the right thing. You have three small children, one with autism. There is no way on earth that you would be able to give your boys the attention they need if you had a newborn. You did what you did out of love for them.
Don't keep telling yourself you could have made it work. Human beings often do the best they can in awful circumstances but that doesn't mean they should have to.
We women are often far too hard on ourselves xxx

Totally agree with chipmonkey
I became pregnant when my youngest was 1 and my Mam had just died besides that I had pnd and knew I wanted no more children! I still cried, agonised, hated myself for even considering an abortion. I had to travel outside the country which made things worse and expensive but I know now it was the right decision. You will feel better, continue with the counselling and know you are not a bad person, it was a difficult choice but the right one for you. Of course you can grieve for what could have been, but it doesn't have to ruin your life

You made the best decision you could possibly have made. No one consciously makes a bad decision. It would go against human nature. It might not be what you would decide now but you did the best you could. Please be kind to yourself.

OP you have to trust the decision you made when both options were on the table. You are doing the best you can for your family and the difficult decision you made is part of that. If it helps at all, abortions for women with existing families is very common so you are not alone in having made this decision. At all.

It's ok to feel regret that you had to make a decision at all but trust yourself. It's easy to focus on the regret when the option to keep the baby is no longer in front of you. If time was reversed magically I bet you'd make the same decision again.

What a brave decision you made . Such a difficult one for you, but made with love for your existing children x

You are all amazing. I'm blown away with all the support you've all given to me. Thank you so much

Oh god I'm having a bad day today
When will this end? I can't cope.

See your doctor about the anxiety - propanolol are very mild and help with numbing that awful pounding heart and tense stomach of anxiety. You MUST NOT let yourself feel guilty, some decisions are hard but especially with your other children this was made for good reasons, even though with regret. The pain will lessen. Mark the anniversaries in a positive way: buy flowers, let off a balloon, make a donation to a relevant charity, sponsor a child abroad (hope none of those ideas offend).
When I had an abortion I had no children. I was so happy to be pregnant but my relationship was a mess. The pain didn't entirely go until I became pregnant with my first child. Now I hardly ever think about it but I do remember the mental pain very well and it's horrible.

Hi topaz. Bad days don't go on forever. I hope you can get some support in real life. The suggestion of the GP is a good one. Can you focus on the good things today? After a slightly unlucky week we are enjoying the sunshine this morning and watching the leaves fall off the oak tree outside. It's such a small thing but I love watching falling leaves.

aw Topaz it will get easier with time. I'd expect that you don't just have the guilt to deal with, but hormones going haywire too.

Do you think you could ask to see your GP tomorrow? Get an emergency appointment (because this IS an emergency). Going by what you've written you're not only guilt ridden, you are sleep deprived and exhausted too, which is going to make things even worse. There are things they can give you that will mean you get some sleep, but can still wake up if needed by kids etc. And your GP might be able to get you some extra support at the moment.

Hi Topaz

Regret is the most useless of all feelings, we can't change what has already happened. It's important to remember that when you were less emotional and you were mentally sound, you thought this was the right decision. So it probably was the right thing to do. The reasons you had still apply now. You have your lovely boys to love and spoil, I don't think getting pregnant again is the answer but I think spending some quality time with your children will help you to feel better.

You did what was right for you and your family, don't doubt that now.

Op I know you are in pain. You had it right when you said it was grief. But one way or another grief slowly passes/reduces/becomes manageable. You will not feel this bad forever.

There is no shame in what you did.
Please don’t feel ashamed. Feel sad and grieve, by all means, but please don’t feel ashamed or blame yourself.

You made a decision based on being in a very tough situation. A situation where many of us would have chosen the same. In many ways, it was the situation that made the decision - not you.

I hope that your days get easier soon. Please talk it through and get the support that you deserve.

I'm going to go and see my GP tomorrow. I have already been once this week but I still need help. l'm not sure what more she can do for me though.
I've lost a stone in weight and I'm sleep deprived. The only time I ever really get a break is when I do get some sleep, but then it all starts again from the moment I wake up.
Now I'm on anti biotics because of an infection. And I'm now petrified that I've done loads of damage to my body.

Good for seeing your GP. She can support you, regardless of whether there’s anything she could prescribe.

Your physical condition is mendable. You will get better. The antibiotics will do their job. Your psychological health will need lots of support and care. Talk; here, with counsellors, friends, whatever - but be heard, and don’t feel like this alone.

I can't get those two days out of my head. I can see them both very clearly. The day I went for the first pill and then the day I went for the second lot of pills.
I can see myself going to the first appointment, leaving the house, going to the clinic. Bumping in to my auntie on the way. Being in the room, having the scan (). And then taking that first pill. It felt like the right decision at the time, but all I want to do now is go back in time and walk out.
Now all I can think about is the whole future of that person and how it is gone. Never to come back. I was supposed to protect my baby like I did with my others but this one I let down in the worst way possible. That's why I feel like I don't deserve to live anymore.

You articulate yourself so well. What would you tell another woman that wasn’t you in that same position?

You are absolutely allowed to grieve and allowed to feel regret. These are raw and difficult emotions, so please be kind to yourself. For what it’s worth. I admire you. You did something that might benefit your family in the short AND long-term, but clearly at cost to yourself. I am concerned about the development of some post-trauma stress for you right now, and I would really suggest that you look up your local IAPT service. You do deserve to be ok.

If another woman in this postion confided in me I would say to her the things that people are saying on here. But I know it would still be so hard for her.

I feel numb and empty. I have no excitement for anything anymore and I'm scared that this is it for the rest of my life. I am usually so happy and positive with lots of energy and now everything is just hard work mentally and physically. I love my children but even they are a constant reminder of what I have done because I have got rid of their little sibling.

My 6 year old asked me last night if I have a baby in my tummy. That killed me. All I wanted was to be able to hug him and say yes and tell him how he's going to be a big brother again.

Please don't beat yourself up about it. It was a totally rational decision and it was likely for the best. You had your family's best interests at heart when you made that decision. Of course you did, you wouldn't have done it otherwise. These feelings WILL subside. Time heals.

Thank you. I'm struggling again today really badly.