Suicidal after abortion

[Topaz89]

I had an abortion last week that I now deeply regret and I am deeply ashamed about it. I am changed forever and I can't see a way forward apart from ending it all.

Am I ever going to live a normal life again? If not then there is no point being here.

I'm feeling ok today. Calmer than usual.
I've been taking myself back to when I made the decision and to what my mindset was at the time. I did not want to carry on with the pregnancy for many reasons, big reasons. Only now the pregnancy is gone am I viewing it all with rose tinted glasses and thinking about how nice it would have been.
I still feel the guilt, because it's something I never ever wanted to make a decision about and I feel sad about it. But the regret is subsiding slowly.

That's good to hear. Don't be scared to ask for help if you need it though!

Hi Topaz

I'm glad you're feeling a bit more settled. It is so easy to judge yourself later looking back with rose tinted spectacles like you say. But at the time you feel scared and desperate. I remember feeling so very alone, even though I had people around me.

So something that helped for me was to have something, an object that I could hold onto and remember. I have a little Christmas tree decoration in memory. I got a matching one when I miscarried two years after having my first DC. I'm the only one who knows what they mean and they bring me comfort.

That's it. It's easy now the pregnancy is gone to think how it could have worked and how easy it could have been. Like you say that's the rose tinted glasses.

The guilt is still there and I think it will be for a while. But I'll be ok. I'll get there.

I slept a full night last night. No nightmares either! I slept from 9:30pm - 5:30am. That's the most sleep I've had in God knows how long. This time last week I was having panic attacks every time I started drifting off.

That is great! Hope it continues for you.

It's a shame my happy mood hasn't carried on I just want to be normal again!! I want to move on.

You will be up and down. But already you seem much more positive than you were.

All I can say is, be gentle on yourself, accept that you're not a super hero.

Try to look ahead rather than back.

That's what I'm trying to do. I had a positive day yesterday and today I'm trying to be positive but I have that sad empty feeling in the pit of my stomach. All the what ifs and the shoulda woulda couldas.

So sorry OP, things will get better

Thank you hollowtree. I hope so x

Is it normal that I'm still bleeding 4 weeks later?

Hi

Trying to remember back. I think I was bleeding then. But it should have dropped off quite a bit by now.

If you're still bleeding quite heavily then you should see a doctor. Having a temperature or feeling fluey is also something to watch out for.

The bleeding can get you down too.

It's light then it picks up again. I passed a couple of clots on Monday too. I have no bad symptoms that would indicate an infection and when I had a scan last week there was no cause for concern.
I just thought the bleeding would have gone by now that's all.

It sounds pretty normal then. There will be quite a bit of womb lining to come out, so that will be what the clots are.

I was definitely still bleeding at my follow up and I remember it stopped not long after that. My abortion was quite early (6 weeks). Make sure you keep your iron levels up and B vitamins.

I'm quite annoyed at Marie Stopes because they don't routinely offer a follow up appointment to see if everything is ok. I think it should be bloody mandatory if they give pills out/carry out surgery to cause such a trauma to a woman's body. I know it's the woman's choice at the end of the day but I think Marie Stopes should have a much better after care service for their patients where a routine 2 week appointment should be offered.
I had to ring up and beg for one!

I've had a positive few days this week and I felt like I was learning to accept what I've done. I was smiling and laughing and I actually felt a bit like me again. But today I'm so torn up and in bits about it again. Just thinking of what the baby would have looked like and how loved it would have been despite the struggles we would have faced.
I did it so my boys wouldn't suffer any more hardship or struggles. I really really hope this is a good enough reason and I can live with it one day.

Topaz look at your circumstances you are only 28 you have 3 beautiful children, you have a partner who is not remotely committed to you (is he bisexual and have you had a test for sti's since that revelation) you don't seem shocked at all by his cheating but I know it's so trivial compared to the grief and the decision you have had to make. You may find you have to bring your children up alone soon a court would have made that so much harder and splitting yourself into 4 whilst finding the extra energy for your son with autism would have been so hard. None of your posts have made me nod in agreement with you that you have done the wrong thing. I just read them all back and think you have done the hardest thing and put your family first.

I liked the cars quote, there is so much in the future for you and your boys you just have to keep pushing forward for them. They need you and always will just keep reminding yourself of that. I wish I could take all your grief as you strike me as such a lovely person and so undeserving of these circumstances. Please try to be kinder to yourself.

Is there something you have always wanted to try or do but not done it? Maybe now is the time to try a new hobby, your partner owes you so he should be making sure you get all the time you need to start focusing on yourself a little now.

Hi Mustang
I've had an sti test and everything came back all clear.
My feelings about the abortion have been so strong and intense that although my partner's behaviour is wrong I have been feeling too numb to really feel anything about it. What should be a huge issue just feels like a side issue at the moment for me. He's still messaging the other person.

I'm pushing forward for my boys and acting normal for them. They are so happy and excited for Christmas. All doing well at school/nursery and they make me so proud.
The cars quote is something that has really stuck with me. When I've been having my "good" days, I've been telling myself that I can't change the past so why dwell on it, and to look at the future for me and my boys and how amazing it can be.
I've binned the clothes I wore when I went for the abortion and replaced them with new things. Had my hair done for my birthday and bought some nice new makeup. All that gave me a boost. I've lost quite a bit of weight so I've been wearing my dresses/tights/boots again. So when I look in the mirror at least I don't look exsctly the same as I did when I went for the abortion.

I haven't really given any thought about what I would like to do for myself. I'd love to go back to college/uni and make something of myself. Or take up a hobby. I just don't know what!

I've joined the gym today. It will be good to get those endorphins pumping around It won't solve my problems but it will help get my stress/anxiety out!

Exercise is great for your mh it has been a life saver for me in many ways for a long time. I'd recommend that you try everything they have going to see what you enjoy and push your comfort zone as you might be surprised what you end up loving. I enjoy Pilates, spin and weight (body pump type class) they are a good mixture for all round fitness as well which worked out well.

Im sorry your husband isn't there for you when he should be but I totally understand why you are just putting it to the back of your mind. He is very bloody lucky. I'm glad you got the all clear I hope he is not selfish enough to put your health at risk again. That was a good step there are no reasons to have any reminders of that day so getting rid of the clothes and treating yourself to a hair cut makes sense.

College or uni is massive is there nothing you fancy? I'm going back summer 2019 if there is space for me and I'm going to study complimentary therapies and hopefully do massage for my local cancer charity once if qualified but we shall see.

A hobby is a quick thing and can be anything the gym is a good one.

Yeah I think exercise will help me a lot. It does help to lift your mood. I never ended up taking the anti depressants I was prescribed as I want to try and avoid them. I worry that if I take them and when it comes to coming off them I will have a huge breakdown or something. I'd rather have counselling and keep myself busy and active.

I am looking in to something starting uni/college next year September 2018. I've always wanted to do Floristry, so I am looking in to that. I also have a Level 3 Diploma in Childcare and Education, so I could always build on that if I wanted to.

I'm sorry for bumping this thread again. But I'm still really struggling so much. When do these feelings usually start getting easier to cope with?
Before I fell pregnant, the thought of having another baby never even entered my head and I was so happy and content with my boys. Now that I have been pregnant and had an abortion it's all I can think about. It's all the what ifs that are making me feel like this.

Il bump to Topaz89. I don't think there is ever an absolute definite and everyone deals with grief so differently.

I think you just need to give yourself time and accept you are allowed to feel this way for as long as you need.

Topaz, I have just read your whole thread and feel for you so much. You were unselfish when you made your decision, doing it primarily for your children. That may be one of the reasons that this is so painful for you. If you had ended this pregnancy for you, and for your well being, it might have been easier to hang onto the positive reasons that you made this choice. Some people have abortions because their partner wants them too - the people I know in that situation have also struggled, because their reasons were not their own, and therefore do not hold up for them in the same way, when they are dealing with the sense of grief and loss that some people experience after an abortion.

Forgive me if this is not right for you, but would you perhaps find it helpful to make a donation to support or sponsor a child somewhere else in the world, when your feelings are overwhelming? You might find it a comfort to know that your donations can make a huge difference to the life of a child somewhere else - particularly to girls, saving them from abuse, early forced marriage. If you do it through one of those organisations which sends you letters from a child you sponsor, then you could share those letters and pictures with your children and perhaps they too will feel a connection to that child in another country.

Just a suggestion, which might or might not strike you as something you would want to consider.

Thinking of you.