Suicidal after abortion

[Topaz89]

I had an abortion last week that I now deeply regret and I am deeply ashamed about it. I am changed forever and I can't see a way forward apart from ending it all.

Am I ever going to live a normal life again? If not then there is no point being here.

Thank you Worldsworstcook. The timing wasn't right, you're right and I made the best decision I thought I could at the time, with my existing children at the forefront of my mind.
I'm going to concentrate on my beautiful children and I am so so so grateful for them.

It's just about me letting go of that guilt now and like you say, being kind to myself. I am punishing myself even though I know I didn't make the decision lightly.
During the day I keep myself busy and although I still have my dark moments I do distract myself. I have had to force myself to eat though, otherwise I know I would go all day without eating anything and I know that wouldn't be good.

It's sleep that is the problem. When I start drifting off, something jolts me awake and I go in to a panic. If I do manage to sleep it's only for an hour or two, and when I wake up I am sweating and panic sets in. This is happening every night now and I'm exhausted from it. I haven't had a proper night sleep since before I had the abortion.

I can't cope! I'm never going to be able to get over this. I really do feel like my life is over. I feel like the grief, the guilt, the sadness, the what ifs, the emptiness are all going to haunt me forever.
If anyone has been through all of these feelings following an abortion and got through it, how long did it take for you to feel normal again? Because it feels like my only way out is to end it all. I'm so desperate.

I really feel for you. I don't know if it's one thing you might like to do but my friend wrote a letter to her baby. She wrote down all her feelings, why she did it and how much she loved baby. Then she tied it to a balloon and let it in the sky. She said a councillor had suggested it and it worked for her. No it didn't take away the guilt or the grief but it made it better.
Remember your reasons. Those reasons are still valid. You may feel like they don't matter at the minute but they do. Have you spoken to your husband? How's he feeling?

Hi topaz. I can't compare directly as I haven't been in the same situation, but when my mum died I think it was about a month until I felt like I could function normally, but I was still upset. And when certain songs come on the radio when I'm in the car on my own I still cry. It's been about 10 years and I don't think the big things like that ever disappear but I did get past the grief and stop it consuming me.
I'd add that I think I'm now more empathetic as before that I never really knew what grief was.

Have you got something short term and positive to focus on?

I've spoken to him and he's feeling ok. He is being unfaithful though so I know his mind is elsewhere. I literally don't have the energy to do anything about it because the tiredness and emotional exhaustion are killing me. I haven't slept for more than an hour a night for 2 weeks now.

It's my birthday next week so I have that to look forward to. But I will probably be feeling very much the same as I do now. I usually love this time of year in the run up to Christmas but I am not myself at all right now.

Lord, you have a lot on your plate! You did not use the abortion service as a form of contraception like many. And it's obvious you are not against the idea of another baby but it's back to timing again. If the OH is out tarting about how can you deal with that and a pregnancy too. In days where a Tory gov have cut the additional support you may need to fall back on. You have enough on your plate at the moment without a baby complicating things for you and hindsight is a bastard. It's easy to look back on things and say I could've made it work and I should've made it work but when faced with decisions which are time limited the only thing anyone can do is act as sensibly and rationally as we can at that time. The decision you made is maybe not right now (but that's because guilt has been thrown in) but it was then. Take away guilt and you'll see that again now is not the time.

Sleep deprivation is a method of torture, Topaz. When you are at your lowest in the dark hours, try to focus on the fact that your mind is playing tricks on you. It's doing this because it's not getting any rest. You will start to feel better once you get regular sleep.

Can you see the GP today and ask for some sleeping pills? Just a week or two's worth to get you through x

I went on Facebook this afternoon and saw an article about Brazil/abortion. I didn't read the article but I read some of the comments and wish I hadn't. There are some very nasty people out there.

I've had a really good day today. I went on a play date with my youngest and her little boy and it was lovely. There were even babies around and I never felt sad once.
Then I met up with my best friend this afternoon for lunch and we had a good chat about everything.

Then I saw the comments on Facebook and it's triggered me off again .

*my youngest and my friend with her little boy

I really want to share something very positive that has happened tonight, which I have my 4 year old to thank for! This might seem strange but..

He LOVES Disney Cars. It's his obsession. It's all we ever hear about in this house. We watched the trailer for Cars3 this evening and there is a quote in that film that gave me a lightbulb moment and really inspired me.

"You can't turn back the clock, but you can wind it back up again"

It basically means you can't change your past but you CAN change your present and future.

I got this explanation from Yahoo:
"Basically, everything happens for a reason. No matter how badly something changes your life or you wish something didn't happen, you just simply can't go back. You can still regret a huge mistake you made, but why dwell on it if you can't change it. Moving forward with your life and starting fresh is always for the better :)"

Very true. Glad you're feeling a bit brighter tonight! Hope you get a good night's sleep and have a restful weekend. Take care!

Hi maccapacca, I had such a good day yesterday. It was so positive and I even ended up forgetting for a while (although when I remembered I told myself off for being happy). Felt like my normal self yesterday evening too and I thought I was having a turn around. I started assuming my hormones are returning back to normal or something.

Then I woke up at 1am and the anxiety sky rocketed, and I haven't been asleep since. It's night times that most of my demons come out, when it's quiet and and the kids are in bed and I'm just lay there. I'm exhausted but I'm going to keep busy today. I'm going Christmas shopping so I'm looking forward to that (sort of).

I've been prescribed Sertraline but I've been too scared to take it. I have a long history of undiagnosed depression. My friend has told me that I will feel much better about things in a couple of weeks if I stick to the medication. It's my only shot- counselling alone isn't going to cut it.

Morning Topaz, I think a lot of people suffer most at night, so you're not alone there. Take the Sertraline. It's there to help you. The side effects can be shitty but they do ease off. I'm almost at the end of my first pack and am definitely starting to feel better despite dealing with some very difficult life events.

It's my only hope of getting back to normal really. I don't want to keep suffering. I regret my decision so much and it's so painful.

You made a sound decision. There is nothing to feel guilty about. What was the alternative? Being stretched between 4 kids on your own? Your existing kids WOULD have suffered if you hadn't have done it. Especially with the difficulties in your relationship. If you had continued with the pregnancy in your current situation you could have ended up having a full on mental breakdown, not to mention the practical and financial strain. You are protecting the children you already have, as you should! Please take the tablets. You may feel crap for a week or two, but they should get you to a place where you can think about this rationally. You have done the right thing.

Exactly. I didn't want to put them through it as life is already quite tough for them as it is. They deserve to be happy. Adding another baby to the equation would have affected them greatly in many ways.

It would have. I believe 100% that you have done the right thing. So does everyone else on this thread. Your guilt is making you see the "what ifs" through rose-colored glasses. I urge you to think realistically about how you all would have coped. You are being a good mother by trying to maintain stability for your children. I for one would have made the same decision as you. I am not saying that to make you feel better, I honestly would have.

Was it the right decision? Only you truly know the answer but whatever your feelings about that you need to acknowledge the pain the decision caused, acknowledge you made the best decision possible based on the needs of you and your family and tell yourself you did what you believed to be right.
I’m sure it’s not easy and sounds like you have a lot to cope with but it will get better. You can tell yourself you are able to cope because as you say, you cannot change the past but you can decide a) how you will let it impact you and b) how you will be going forward.
There are counselling services that are independent on providers.
They may help but mainly you need to be kind to yourself. Forgive yourself and blame circumstances not yourself.
If you had a surgical abortion under sedation you might be suffering flashbacks to a situation you experienced subconsciously at the time and this could be the seat of the panic.
Time is a great healer.

maccapacca. That's exactly what it is. It's severe guilt. I feel completey ashamed of what I have done so I am finding it very difficult to forgive myself and be kind to myself. I look at my children and I love them but they also remind me of what I have done, as the baby had I kept it would have been "one of them" so to speak. I feel guilty when I love and care for my children or do anything with them because i feel like there is one missing out on a life.

Crumbs I had the medical abortion but still do have flashbacks on a daily basis, especially at night time. This just adds to my distress.

I really do feel like I am getting worse rather than getting better. I am not me any more and I feel like I'm on a downward spiral. I was a completey different person just a few weeks ago and I miss that person. I miss my enjoyment of life. I feel like I've ruined it completely.

Topaz, What would you say to someone in the same situation as yourself? You need to say that to yourself. You are not a bad person. Are you managing to look after your children and yourself? As in are you managing to get them fed, to school, keep them clean?

I would tell them to be kind to themselves and that they made the best decision they could at the time. But it's so different when it's yourself
I'm managing to look after them yes. They have all their needs met.

Do you think I will be in a better place once these antidepressants kick in?
I'm desperate to be happy and calm again, for my sake as well as my children's sakes. I don't want to kill myself so I'm desperate for another way out of this horrible mess I am in.

Topaz, it's only just been a couple of weeks - truly, you need to heal, physically and mentally.

Don't push the heartbreak and the guilt and the what ifs? away, don't deny your feelings, you feel what you feel and that's all right.

Something can be the right decision and still hurt.
Look at your children and remind yourself of the distraction and attention that would have been taken away from them with a new baby in the mix.
Remind yourself of the resources you have (money, energy, healthy, time etc) that you would have lost had you gone ahead with this pregnancy.

Eat cake.
Make sure you drink enough fluids.
Sleep when you can.
Cry.
Then smile and laugh with your kids.

Things will change, and likely for the better

It is different because we are our own worst critics. It is common of people prone to depression and anxiety to be perfectionists and to hold ourselves to impossible standards. People on this thread aren't telling you to forgive yourself to pander to you. We are saying it because we understand that feeling of worthlessness and you do NOT deserve to feel like that. Nobody does. You are taking care of your children. Everything you have done and are doing is for them. Do not feel guilt for loving the children you have and protecting them the best you can.