Suicidal after abortion

[Topaz89]

I had an abortion last week that I now deeply regret and I am deeply ashamed about it. I am changed forever and I can't see a way forward apart from ending it all.

Am I ever going to live a normal life again? If not then there is no point being here.

Thank you PerfectlyDone.
It is still early days (but has felt much longer than that), but my worry is that months/years down the line I will still feel like this. I've read stories about people suffering a long time after their abortion and I'm scared of that happening to me.

Don't borrow trouble from tomorrow.

Who knows how any of us are going to feel about any number of things going on in our lives?

Challenge unhelpful thinking like that every time you catch yourself doing it.

How long have you been taking ADs? They can make you feel more anxious before you feel better, usually takes about 2-3 weeks to settle in and full effect after 4-6 weeks.

Can you access any post-termination care/counselling? Many units will offer that.

Everything you are saying is all very true Macca.
Feeling worthless and hopeless is a horrible feeling.
I was prone to depression/anxiety before this and had it mildly, so it's no wonder I am like this after such a traumatic experience. But I want to get better.

I’m so sorry you’re feeling like this. I terminated a pregnancy 2years ago for what felt like good reasons at the time (sickness, tiredness, the needs of my other children etc). I was also completely unprepared for the devastation I felt afterwards. I won’t lie to you - it is still hard. There are times I still feel sad and low about it. But it is not the overwhelming sadness it was. And I know it really was the only decision I could have made at the time - I just wish I hadn’t been at that position at all. You can’t change what’s happened - but you will find a way to live with it and move forward. Counselling has helped. Keep talking about your feelings. Most of all, be kind to yourself.

I started taking the ADs last night. I've got a 2 week course and I have to go back to my GP in two weeks to see how I'm getting on. I'm guessing they'll prescribe me more/up the dose.

I'm on a waiting list for counselling. And I'm having phone counselling with Marie Stopes once a week. I don't find them very helpful though.

Didn't want to read and run. Please don't be so hard on yourself I have 3 children and know if I had ever got pregnant I would have done the same thing. The children I have are such hard work and I already struggle especially since I am now a single mum.

Take care of yourself and as for the sertraline I've been taking it for 2months to start with i felt worse but stick with it as I feel so much better now. The dark detached feelings have gone and I'm enjoying life alot more.

Take time and enjoy your little ones.

Hermagsjesty I'm sorry to hear you went through the same thing . Like you I was completely unprepared for the emotional impact afterwards. I wish I had never been in that position too.

I had the medical termination and for some reason I thought it wouldn't be traumatic because it was very early and I thought it would be just like coming on a period. I did not anticipate the emotional impact it would have at all.

You are making the right steps by taking the meds and seeking support. That is a good start for your recovery. You are helping yourself. You are right that after going through this it isn't surprising that you feel as you do now. It's good that you are acknowledging there is a problem and doing something about it. You want to recover and are doing what you can to make that happen!

Thankyou Henry. I struggle as it is as well.

I want to recover because I want to get back to that person I was before. I like who I was and although things were not perfect eg small house/not much money I was actually getting along happily and enjoying life. I thought I was down back then but actually I've realised just how happy I was.

It's the fact that I know I've had an abortion and that will always be a part of me. My rational mind knows that that is nothing to be ashamed of, but at the moment I do feel ashamed and it's something I never thought I would ever do.

You really need to prioritise your sleep. Lack of sleep will amplify all those horrible thoughts and feelings. What's done is done and there is no way back but there is definitely a way forward. All those reasons for not continuing with the pregnancy still stand. You made this decision so as not to affect the children that you have so keep your focus on them and remember that they are your reality and every time you find those thoughts and feelings spiralling just remember this is your reality and not what is going on in your head. You 100% made the right decision and everyone on this thread believes this. Your anxiety has gotten out of control and your lack of sleep is feeding it. Please get something to help with your sleep and it might help to reset your clock. You have to learn to live with this and you will. You made a difficult decision with no rights or wrongs attached to it. 1000s of women find themselves in this position and they do manage to get on with their lives. I'm in Ireland where abortion is illegal and still taboo in a lot of ways. Women have to travel to the UK in the most awful of circumstances and often find it very hard when the return home as on top of their own feelings they have to deal with societal judgement of having had an abortion. But thousands make that trip every year and find a way to live with it. What your husband is doing to you and your children is also adding to your anxiety. How much of what you are feeling is tied up with his behaviour towards you? Maybe the reality of having to deal with the fallout from his actions and possibly resentment towards him for effectively putting you in this position are the things that need to be dealt with but it is easier to turn those feelings in on yourself and beat yourself up over something that everyone here agrees and knows was the right decision for you to make at this time. I might even go as far as thinking that your reality is hard to face at the moment in terms of your marriage and future that you are transferring some of these fears and anxiety to the decision to terminate your pregnancy and taking the blame for something that is not being caused by you.

Do you think something like Nytol will help me sleep and stay asleep?

Hi Topaz sorry to hear you're feeling so rough.
I just want to add my advice from my own experience in the hope that you feel understood and have hope.
I experienced something really horrible a while back - not the same as you but involving one of my children , and went through what you are going through now. I counted the minutes hoping time would pass and I would feel better. I fell asleep to get relief only to wake a little later or in the morning with the same awful feelings.
It's not so much what happened or whether it was right or not, it's more about the shame and grief you feel. Maybe what happened was out of sync with your usual views or how you really felt about the pregnancy , and you did it for the children , I don't know, but they say you feel shame when somehow things didn't happen according to how you feel inside.
You can work this through with a counsellor. When you get the thoughts out, then later the feelings will come and then recovery will come. You will not feel like this then, it is just temporary. But I really feel your pain and I'm so sorry you are going through this. I think some of the reaction is trauma, emotional trauma and it will get better whenits worked through and you will be happy again.
Have you heard of self care ?
It means taking moments to look after yourself, physically but also emotionally and viewing yourself in a kindly manner. You are a good person and everything you have decided was done with good intentions. That's all we can do. Sometimes we go through horrible pain and this is one of those times. It will pass. Love yourself, care for yourself, seek counselling.
I hope you sleep tonight. If you want to PM me feel free x

What I'm also feeling anxious about is any potential damage I have done to my body.
I just hate the thought that I've possibly made myself infertile by having the abortion. I don't want to rule out having more children in the future and I still want that option.
I got a slight infection which I took antibiotics for. Do you think it will have caused any significant damage?

Hi topaz
please don't worry about your fertility, I had a termination 12 years ago, & I've gone on to have three wonderful children, I think nowadays, terminations have no impact on future fertility, my friend had 3 terminations (very abusive relationship) then went on to have 2 beautiful children.

Everyone I know who has had a termination, has had a different journey leading up to it & getting over it, I know people who have had very little guilt, but I also know people who have struggled, it is all a very personal journey & you really do need to be kind to yourself, & give yourself time to grieve. Maybe give yourself a set time everyday, when you can think about it & cry & let every emotion you feel out, & I agree with pp who suggested writing a letter & sending it attached to a balloon. Good luck, sending hugs x

Hi teenybean.
That's reassuring to know regarding fertility. Sorry to hear about your friend though, hope she is ok now.
You're right, everyone does have their own journey. Someone I know has had 2 terminations and has gone on to have 2 children. She terminated her pregnancies because the dad was making life difficult. I also know someone who terminated her 3rd pregnancy because she suffered with PND after her 2nd and was scared about it happening again. The first one got over hers fine but the second one struggled very much but she's ok now.
I'm trying to learn not to be so hard on myself. Me and my partner discussed our decision tonight, and we concluded that we did make the the right one. The guilt is still there though, so there is still a lot of work that needs doing for my self worth and self forgiveness.

I dozed off for a couple of hours and I've just woken up. The anxiety upon waking up is so intense I can hardly breathe. All my thoughts and feelings come flooding back.

If anyone is awake please please come and help calm me down!

Hope your ok the anxiety could be the sertraline I got a bit like that in the early days of taking it and seeing as your already anxious it's probably not helping. I found it was worse at night.

Are you ok Topaz? The panic attack on waking is likely to be the Sertraline. My doctor told me it was a sign that it was getting in my system and was more likely to work. It's fucking awful waking up feeling like that isn't it? I hope you have started to calm down a little bit now. If it's unbearable for you please contact your gp. He may prescribe some diazepam or similar to help you through the worst of it. My doctor gave me some and I have managed to get by without them, but it helps just knowing they are there if I need them! Hang on in there!

I'm feeling awful again today. Can't focus on anything I need to focus on. All I can focus on is the fact that I killed my baby. These feelings aren't getting any better- they are getting worse.

Hi Topaz. I was diagnosed with ptsd and felt very similar to you. You will get through this. It will be a journey but you will get through it.

Aintgotnosoapbox, how are you now?

Hi Topaz I'm ok now. I get anxious sometimes in specific circumstances but most days I have no anxiety. I don't have the flood of guilt and regret and intrusive thoughts I used to have. I can say you will get through it, it might involve trauma therapy gradually talking about with a skilled counsellor then allowing the feelings to be worked through in the safe space of therapy.
For now, accept that the process you are going through is an emotional and trauma response, be kind to yourself and don't think about what others think, how others react etc because this is all about you and your feelings. Take refuge in breathing techniques, short walk etc per day, trying to breathe through the difficult moments , seeking help from Gp if needed- if you feel suicidal you would need ti go to the Ae or out of hours doctor, and crisis team or a dr will see you straight away. X

Good I'm glad things are better for you now. It's good to know that you don't have that guilt and regret any more. I hope I can be like that one day.

I've just been to pick the kids up from school which was a nice break from the house for a bit.
I'll be ok now for a few hours while we do the tea time/homework/bath time/bed time routine.
I'm feeling ok at the moment. But sadly it won't last.