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Original poster

Suicidal after abortion

307 replies

Topaz89 · 03/11/2017 16:37

I had an abortion last week that I now deeply regret and I am deeply ashamed about it. I am changed forever and I can't see a way forward apart from ending it all.

Am I ever going to live a normal life again? If not then there is no point being here.

OP posts:
Ollivander84 · 08/11/2017 01:07

I was on a v low dose of citalopram anyway and the GP upped my dose. A lot of it is just time, and allowing yourself to grieve. It occupied my thoughts every single day at the time, now it's still there but rarely at the front of my mind

Original poster
Topaz89 · 08/11/2017 01:23

I have been put on Sertraline. I don't know what the side affects are after 1 tablet but I feel a bit weird tonight.

I had a couple of hours today where I had a bit of a high and I felt a bit more positive. I felt calm. But I've crashed now and I feel very panicky. I dozed off and when I woke up I was in a cold sweat and the panic came rushing back. It just hit me like a tonne of bricks as soon as I opened my eyes. Can't get back to sleep now.

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Original poster
Topaz89 · 08/11/2017 01:23

I have no idea why Sertraline is in bold letters. I'm very tired.

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Discotdi · 08/11/2017 01:33

Keep an eye on your anxiety levels and other thoughts whilst on these as they can sometimes make it worse. I am with you on feeling guilty - I went through this too. I think counselling will help and someone to talk too. I wish I had gone for counselling. Do you have any other support nearby to help out? Have you spoken to your hubby? I also have a child with ASD and it's challenging looking after him as well as myself especially when unwell and in need of some healing. Take care x (o) x

Original poster
Topaz89 · 08/11/2017 05:27

I've got support from a couple of close family members and a couple of close friends and they have all been amazing. Even my partner has been there for me to talk to. But even with all that support I still feel terrible.
I'm having second thoughts about using the anti depressants. I feel extremely anxious this morning, could that be because of me starting on Sertraline?

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Crispmonster1 · 08/11/2017 05:43

I had a TOP in my early 20s it was a decsision made with my head. I had a very hard time afterwards mentally. I felt horrendously guilt, I had very vivid and disturbing dreams, I cried almost non stop. I went to see a post abortion counsellor I think through BPAS who helped a lot. I strongly recommend you do this and see your GP if you trust them. I’m so sorry you are going through this. It’s a terribly traumatic time but it will get easier. I had a friend who had an abortion at a similar time to me and she was unable to talk about it. It was only years later we discussed it and were going through similar mental issues after. Good luck and keep us posted. You won’t feel like this forever. X

Original poster
Topaz89 · 08/11/2017 05:54

I'm sorry to hear you went through it too Crispmonster. How long did it take for you to get to a point where you felt better again? It is a traumatic time and I really don't know how much longer I can cope feeling like this. I feel empty and guilty and full of horrible regret and I haven't slept properly in days.

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Original poster
Topaz89 · 08/11/2017 06:09

I feel like I'm not allowed to enjoy life or worse show enjoyment in my children because of what I've done and because I feel like there will always be someone missing.

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missladybird · 08/11/2017 06:21

I had an abortion a few months ago and the baby would have been born this month if I had kept it. I made the decision to terminate because of the impact another child would have on my existing dc but I can't say I've had any regrets.

Your mind is in overdrive and is making you feel terrible about a decision you can't change. You made the right decision at the time and if there were any valid doubts then you wouldn't have gone ahead with it.

Write down a list of the pros and cons of having another baby without rose tinted glasses. Your mind is trying to tell you that your reasons weren't strong enough and that you could have coped with another child but try to shut them down.

You made the right decision Flowers

missladybird · 08/11/2017 06:23

Oh and sertraline does make you feel worse before it gets better but they do work wonders for anxiety. I would keep taking them and you'll soon see the benefits.

Original poster
Topaz89 · 08/11/2017 06:26

missladybird so you had the termination for the same reasons as me really didn't you? Do you feel like you made the right decision?

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missladybird · 08/11/2017 07:16

Yes Topaz another child would have had a negative impact on my actual dc and I couldn't let that happen. I wouldn't have been able to be a good mum, I would be pulled in too many directions and we would have all suffered.

I know I made the right decision. It was the hardest decision of my life and I still think about it but I don't feel any regret. I can't regret something that would have made my actual dc's life harder if that makes sense.

Original poster
Topaz89 · 08/11/2017 07:24

They were exactly my reasons too. It's so good to hear you are happy and confident in your decision. Stories like yours give me more strength. How many children do you have?

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missladybird · 08/11/2017 07:31

I have 2 children, ds(5) and dd(3).

Look at your beautiful children and let them be reminders of why you made your decision. It will become more clear as time goes on and it won't always feel so painful. You did make the right choice. You really did.0

Original poster
Topaz89 · 08/11/2017 07:58

missladybird, at the beginning did you feel like I do at the moment?

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missladybird · 08/11/2017 08:32

I felt guilty and thought it would haunt me forever. I actually went to the clinic the first time and couldn't go ahead with it so the midwife told me to go home and think about it. As soon as I got home I realised that I had to do it and booked another appointment for the week after. I felt dreadful for a couple of weeks and then it just got much easier. And now when I think about it I just sort of acknowledge that it happened but I don't feel any regret.

Original poster
Topaz89 · 08/11/2017 08:49

That's how I feel. I worry that it will haunt me forever. I wasn't in the right place mentally or for practical reasons to go through with another pregnancy but I still feel grief and sadness and guilt.

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missladybird · 08/11/2017 12:44

It's normal to feel sad and to grieve. But as the days/weeks go on you will realise that it was the right choice. I promise it won't always feel this bad, it's still so raw for you.

Original poster
Topaz89 · 08/11/2017 13:41

Thank you 🙂
I know it was the right choice, but my emotions have just been all over the place and it's been clouding my rational thoughts at the moment.
I said to the counsellor today that I feel bad on my children because I could have given them another sibling. She said to me what do you think they need more, another sibling or a mum who is happy and well and isn't overwhelmed? I was told to look at the reasons why I had the termination and and to remember that my existing children's wellbeing has always been the most important thing to me throughout this whole thing.

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missladybird · 08/11/2017 14:35

Exactly, it's so hard to think rationally when your hormones are everywhere. Your counsellor is absolutely right, your children don't need another sibling, they need you. And although you might not feel like yourself at the minute, you will do soon and those irrational thoughts will fade away. You sound like an amazing mum who made a decision that was 100% right for your family. Go easy on yourself, you don't deserve to keep punishing yourself. You didn't do anything wrong.

Original poster
Topaz89 · 08/11/2017 14:49

Thank you missladybird. I like to think I am a good mum. I don't know, maybe the abortion happened for a reason. All 3 of my other pregnancies felt right but this one didn't. And with the recent revelations regarding my partner I think it was all truly for the best. As painful as it is.

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Original poster
Topaz89 · 09/11/2017 06:16

Now I keep thinking what if it had been a girl Sad

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foresttrees2 · 09/11/2017 19:34

Hi topaz, I've been thinking about how to say something. I didn't want to not reply but I don't think there's much I can say that will be of much use.

It sounds like you have people in real life who are support and access to counselling, so I hope that helps a bit. I wanted you to know that your story on here will help so many other people who are going through the same thing or have gone through this. When my friend went through this I don't think Mumsnet even existed (and I'm not even that old!), and I wish she had had something like this to talk to people "outside" of the situation.

We are still here if you want to talk things over.

Original poster
Topaz89 · 09/11/2017 23:27

Thankyou foresttrees
If my story helps anyone else then that is a good thing. I hope it does.
I feel like I have a heavy weight on my chest and sometimes it's difficult to breathe.

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Worldsworstcook · 10/11/2017 00:06

Having a child with autism is difficult enough (I know) and you have other kids too. You made the best decision you could based on your situation. You are in mourning and that's perfectedly understandable. However you acted at a time when you were aware of the bigger picture, the difficulties you could foresee ahead as well as having to cope alone while DH works. Be kind to yourself, no one is saying you can't have another pregnancy but perhaps the timing of this pregnancy wasn't right. It's such early days, be grateful for the beautiful kids you have and understand that the timing just wasn't right.