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Mental health

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Original poster

Suicidal after abortion

307 replies

Topaz89 · 03/11/2017 16:37

I had an abortion last week that I now deeply regret and I am deeply ashamed about it. I am changed forever and I can't see a way forward apart from ending it all.

Am I ever going to live a normal life again? If not then there is no point being here.

OP posts:

Sickoffamilydrama · 06/11/2017 09:48

Topaz I am so sorry you are going through this.

I understand your decision I have 3 children we thought that the 3rd wouldn't change the workload that much but it's been like putting a hand grenade in our house and relationship even now they are a bit older and all those children have to be paid for some will be tired and poor fora long time

I would be heartbroken to but as a parent you have to make a decision what is best for the whole family you did that.

Your children need you to get well, part of the reason you made this decision is because you knew they needed your attention.

Original poster

Topaz89 · 06/11/2017 10:49

I am hoping that once I have recovered and my hormones have settled back to their usual balance I will be able to move forward. I will always be sad about this decision and will never forget, and the anniversaries are going to be hard. But I hope that I will at least be able to focus and carry on. At the moment it just feels like everything is just one big slog.
The 12 week scan would have been this month, so already I am thinking about important dates regarding the baby I have lost.

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Callamia · 06/11/2017 12:03

It IS a bit slog, but your thoughts about what you'd say to another woman in your position are exactly it. It's going to be hard, but you're doing what's right for now.

There will be better times, but it's ok to feel so sad right now - you're a caring and good human.

Original poster

Topaz89 · 06/11/2017 16:36

Do you think I would benefit from going on anti depressants?

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PricillaQueenOfTheDesert · 06/11/2017 16:47

When you made this hard decision, you made the best choice that you had available. Early days will be difficult, hormones all over the place, the reality that you’ve done what you’ve done and can no longer change your mind etc.

Stay strong and be thankful for your little ones, they do still need you. Doing what you did does not make you a bad person and if I could give you more than words I would start by giving you a big hug.

I have had an abortion, I found it difficult but now time has passed I know I did what was right for me. It’s different for each of us. Getting pregnant again won’t change the past, big hugs to you xxx

Original poster

Topaz89 · 07/11/2017 06:16

I have found out that my partner has been cheating on me. With a man. I suspected it for ages.
Things haven't been right between us for a long time and that's one of the main reasons which spurred me on to have the termination. He's very moody and snappy, and drinks and smokes a lot. He hardly helps around the house and/or with the children too. That and also the stuff I said about my existing children made me come to my decision, which he also agreed to so it wasn't just my decision.
But I even so, I can't help but think it wasn't that little life in my tummy's fault and I punished it in the worst way possible for something that wasn't their doing

This is so fucking shit! I could scream.

OP posts:

Ilovelampandchair · 07/11/2017 06:38

Right, well, you have some more big decisions and changes to make.

You didn't punish anyone. You terminated a pregnancy like millions of people have done. And it sounds like it was the right move as you are about to become a single parent.

What are you thinking OP? How is your situation? Can you get him to leave?

rwalker · 07/11/2017 06:52

you are being too hard on yourself you didn't so this lightly you had reasons. Take comfort from other peoples messages that they felt the same but years on with hind sight they know they did the right thing.Everything is raw hormones all over the place

EasterRobin · 07/11/2017 07:00

You have every right to grieve. Perhaps you could do something ceremonial to mark the passing like some people do with miscarriages (light a candle in church and pray, plant a tree, etc).

I think you need to get something strong to help you sleep. This will help your mind get to a sensible place to process your emotions. Longer term, antidepressants might be an option if you stay this way for long time (like a year), but no GP would give you anything this early as you are going through terrible grief and pregnancy loss, not clinical depression. In the meantime, getting a good night's sleep every night should be your medical focus.

dangermouseisace · 07/11/2017 08:17

OMG topaz what a situation. I don't imagine you took anything out on a fetus. This would have been a terrible time to have a child, it makes it even more abundantly clear why your head said you had to do it. I'd guess that most women in your situation would have done the same. Everything you write about your situation indicates that you have a lot of pressure in your life at the moment, and you really need to focus on yourself and your kids.

What are you going to do about 'H'- is he leaving? What a tit.

Original poster

Topaz89 · 07/11/2017 10:16

I'm just bewildered by everything right now. I seriously don't know what to do. I don't want to ruin Christmas for my kids so I'm scared of doing anything.
I've got all the raw emotions from the termination plus the hurt/frustration/anger that my partner is causing me. If I wasn't feeling so weak and tired both mentally and physically at the moment I would be telling him to do one.

OP posts:

Original poster

Topaz89 · 07/11/2017 10:38

I'm hurting more from the termination than I am by his behaviour at the moment. It's painful, very painful that there will always be someone missing I still wish I had never done it and it's killing me.

OP posts:

MrsBonato · 07/11/2017 10:51

Please contact arch, the abortion aftercare trust.

They are very good and helpful.

Getting pregnant again really won't take the pain away, I had an abortion and the coil that was fitted during it failed exactly a year after. I didn't go for another abortion because I could barely cope from before. Having a baby so soon after caused me more pain, and reminded me of the abortion, there would have been 13 months between the two so I'm still aware of the dates, and the anxiety I suffered with something happening to my ds because of the abortion that I had was insane.

It does get better, you are allowed to feel sad but please try arch

Original poster

Topaz89 · 07/11/2017 10:58

I've realised that now. Nothing will bring my baby back, not even another baby. I wish I'd have kept it and made it work so badly. I'm never going to get over this. It's going to haunt me forever knowing that there is someone missing. Someone who I would have loved, my family would have loved and my sons would have loved. I feel like my heart has been ripped out.

OP posts:

Original poster

Topaz89 · 07/11/2017 11:34

I will try arch. Thank you x

OP posts:

Original poster

Topaz89 · 07/11/2017 16:00

I've rang Arch and they sound promising. I hope they help me.

OP posts:

Mishappening · 07/11/2017 16:11

It is not unusual to feel like this Topaz - many women do, but choose not to talk about it. Well done to you for bringing it out into the open. It may help others in a similar situation.

It may seem hard to believe at the moment, but this feeling will fade as time goes by - and with the help of counseling - I am glad that you have a further appointment with Marie Stopes.

Please remember that you are awash in hormones at the moment and this will be influencing your feelings. This hormone rush will fade and you will be able to think about things more easily.

If you truly have suicidal thoughts, please ring the samaritans: 116 123.

I have encountered this situation before professionally and I can promise you that the feelings you are now experiencing will fade over time. Take care.

Mishappening · 07/11/2017 16:13

I am sorry about the situation with your OH - this cannot be helping.

Original poster

Topaz89 · 07/11/2017 16:54

Thank you Mishappening. I couldn't keep in inside- I had to talk to people both in real life and on here or it would have been even worse. I hope I have managed to bring up an important subject that will help others in the future. I thought I would be fine before I did it but I'm not. It's a long road ahead before I will feel fine again, and even then I will never forget.
The emotional impact of abortion can be massive, and something that people should be aware of. I was never told about it, not once. I would recommend pre-counselling to anyone considering abortion, which I never took.

I hope the feeling does fade over time. Like you say my hormones are all over the place at the moment and they need to settle down. Everything else that is going on at the moment eg my partner, seems to be clouded by the abortion.

OP posts:

dangermouseisace · 07/11/2017 17:25

topaz do you think you are perhaps amalgamating some of your feelings about your 'D'H into those about the abortion? It's just that when I found out about my STBXH's infidelity after a period of being angry and coping, I was overwhelmed by grief. It's just that if that is the case...you might be giving yourself more agency in how shit you are feeling now, than perhaps you would have otherwise. By that I mean blaming yourself, when the abortion might have been that extra bit of stress that pushed you over the edge of coping with it all. It's just that, to someone outside, your 'D'H's actions alone are enough to make a person feel all kinds of despair. But I might have got that completely wrong- it's just an idea.

You're not going to ruin Christmas for your kids. Your 'D'H is an arsehole (sorry) and his attitude stinks.

Original poster

Topaz89 · 07/11/2017 17:45

dangermouse We have had problems for a while and his actions alone would have made me furious, but the abortion makes me unable to focus on it properly if that makes sense. My feelings of grief for the abortion just seems to be overriding everything else at the moment. I guess I'm trying to protect myself from grieving our family altogether as well as the baby, and that's why I am not doing anything about it.

OP posts:

ceejla · 07/11/2017 23:34

@Topaz89 I know this is a little late but I also experienced something very similar recently. I had a termination 5 months ago and instantly regretted it! I felt just as you did, and craved to get pregnant again (and even tried). It took me a few months to get over it but I promise you I feel a million times better. I am so focused on my life and my future (also think I was crazy for craving another baby!!). Although I do very much still want a child, and I think about the abortion every day, I try and see the positives and realise what’s done is done, I cannot change it now. I cannot promise you that you will forget about it, but I can promise you this that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and you WILL feel better. I cannot relate to the other things in your life but in regards to the termination, you will accept what has been done and see a bright future for yourself and your family.

Original poster

Topaz89 · 08/11/2017 00:31

Thank you ceejla. I hope I get to where you are one day.

OP posts:

Ollivander84 · 08/11/2017 00:59

I'm 4 years on, it does get better. Medication helped me a lot and counselling for a fairly lengthy time

Original poster

Topaz89 · 08/11/2017 01:05

Ollivander84 Which medication helped you?

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