I don't know how to get to tomorrow

[iwasagirlinavillage]

I have a thread in relationships about my marriage collapsing. As a result I can feel myself succumbing to depression and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I already take ADs and I had CBT which ended just before the separation. I just can't do this. Even breathing feels like an almighty difficult task. I have two children so I know I just have to keep going but if it was just me I'm quite certain I would have given up by now. I feel like I've completely slowed down physically, like I'm starting to shut down. But shutting down would be a welcome relief. Although then I think of my DDs and know that I can't do that and a wave of exhaustion hits me again and I feel the weight of it all afresh. I can't do this.

You will get through this! What you need to do is accept and give yourself time because you are going through so much at the minute. Take baby steps. Get all the support you can. Talk til you are blue in the face to friends family and here. You have to give yourself time and care. Don't be hard on yourself you will be in shock and emotionally all over the place never mind the practical stuff. No breakup is easy but everyone here will give support and advice xxx sending hugs xx

I really don't feel like I can cope. I'm doing the physical stuff but I feel like I'm dying mentally. I tried to say to my Mum about how I'm feeling and she either dismisses it or tries to fix it. I know she means well, she is fantastically supportive but I just got irritated that she didn't respond in the way I wanted. The shitty thing is that my husband has supported me with depression for years and he was always the person I would go to. I could just say "I'm feeling rubbish" and he would know what I meant by that and would know that all I needed was to be listened to and comforted. So because he is the cause of how I'm feeling, not only am I feeling really very, very down, I've also lost my biggest support. I was vacuuming earlier - physically doing something I needed to - but while I was doing it I was working out how I could hurt myself while ensuring that my daughters are in the care of someone else yet not rousing suspicion of where I am and what I'm doing. This is the lowest I have been for a long time.

My previous thread was this one:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2857662-me-and-my-husband-are-separating-and-i-have-no-one-to-talk-to

I'll probably just carry on here as that one's nearly full now.

Hi again sorry I just had to pop out. How are you feeling? Your mum may just be reacting in the way mums do - You are still her little girl and she wants to make this alright by fixing you. Could you write an email/text about how you are feeling and what you need from her? Have you got some gp type support too? Losing your husband and is support will be really hard. Have you got a good friend to talk to or sibling? I'll read through the other thread when my bath has run!

Hi,

It's sounds like you are having a really tough time at the moment. I would definately be going back to your GP and letting them know how things are now. It sounds like you need more support than you did, so the GP needs to review things. I completely understand you saying that you have slowed down. Stress interferes with your thinking processes and memory. Be kind to yourself make allowances for yourself at the moment.

How was your night in the end ? Did you get any sleep?

I did get some sleep. DD1 came in to my bed around 2am and wanted to be cuddled through the night which isn't like her. DD2 still has an awful cough which kept waking her up.

I still wake up in disbelief. I don't feel quite as bad as I did yesterday. The HV is coming today. I think I'm a bit stressed about that as I feel like I'm going to be scrutinised to make sure I'm competent to look after my children.

DD1 keeps mentioning him a lot more. Not really anything in particular but where for a while she would just mention me and DD2 about picking her up from nursery, now she'll mention Daddy as well. She keeps asking or telling me that daddy will be at certain places, or Daddy will drive us somewhere. I'm just trying to be very matter of fact and saying "Daddy doesn't live with us anymore" but while she seems to understand and accept that sometimes, sometimes I feel like I'm intentionally hurting her by saying it and other times it's like she forgets. I can't even say to her "you'll see Daddy soon" because I don't know if she will.

I'm really struggling. DD1 is massively playing up, she seems so agitated and just can't/won't calm down. DD2 is teething and with her cough/cold she's getting really irritable. Both of them want all my attention all the time and I just can't give it. I'm only one person. The HV is coming in an hour and I'm still in my pyjamas and trying to get DD1 ready who is being as difficult as possible while making as much noise as possible while I'm trying to get DD2 to sleep. This all just feels so overwhelming. And he's just fucked off leaving it all to me when he knows I was struggling enough when there were two of us. It's so unfair and so selfish of him.

I feel like I'm about to break.

Hi OP

Had a quick look at your other thread. I was in a similar situation 2 years ago, and feeling completely overwhelmed. Blokes are shits, I've decided. Fuck the lot of them!

First things first- is your ex actually doing what he should in terms of childcare? Are you getting a break? Working towards a set in stone routine with him looking after kids might ease the the pressure a bit. He has 50% responsibility and you are struggling so he needs to step up and do his bit. Every other weekend and 1 weeknight is the usual- your little one is still BF I read but that won't be forever. I found having boundaries in place with this re ex- he doesn't get to pick and choose when he has them- that's when it is, and they are his responsibility then, he doesn't come in the house etc helps.

Does your GP know your thoughts of hurting yourself? If not you need to tell them, or tell the HV. You need emotional support.

It's so hard when this happens. It can get better, and it will get easier, honestly

Oh Hun I'm sorry. I know how you feel. My depression has recently been terrible and my relationships just ended. I'm not eating or sleeping at all. I've just had an emergency gp visit and got some tablets to calm me but I feel as though my worlds ended and I can't cope. If you like message me and we can help eachother. We have to be strong x

DD1 just asked me where Daddy is and I said "Daddy doesn't live here any more" so she asked why and I said because he doesn't love Mummy anymore but he loves you and DD2 lots. So she said "I want Daddy to come here so I can love him".

It does hurt, I know. You are doing the right thing by just keeping going, one task at a time. It's tough when kids are little and want answers that aren't available yet. But soon they will be. You'll be able to reassure your daughter about when she will see her dad, and she'll hopefully act out less when she adjusts to a new normal. Keep talking here, hit a baby group if you can. They don't care if you cry and turn up in pyjamas.

At some point, the previously loving and devoted father has to come back down to reality and realise he's fucked up and he's letting them down. Surely?

Hi lovely,

How did the HV appt go?

Do you know, its OKAY to break. Its okay to show weakness, despair, anger and signs of not being able to cope right now. He has fucked off and left you with two babies when you were already vulnerable and struggling with your mental health. Did you discuss this with your HV? I hope you had a decent one. Did he/she talk about PN depression with you or further support?

I think you should text him and say you need to discuss a long term plan. Everything. When he's going to have them/ more structured. This isn't about you either, your DD1 is desperately missing her daddy who she saw everyday. The main adult who was putting her to bed and doing those things with her because you were BF or seeing to DD2. Its not fair on her to be feeling lost and broken too.

What about practical things too, finances, the house etc.. and hasn't his mum or sister checked in on you lately? god it makes me angry. I wish I was near you, I would come and check in with you and have a cuppa.

Big hugs to you lovely xxx

Thanks paperdoll. No word from his Mum or Sister either. His sister text sometime last week but I think I initiated that as it was when he wasn't responding to me. His Mum hasn't spoken to me for weeks and that was only about getting some medication that had been left at their house. She hasn't been in touch to ask about her grandchildren at all which I find very odd. They've both said that if I need them I know where they are but if this is how they behave it doesn't exactly make them approachable.

To be honest, if this is how little he cares I'm just going to leave him to it and get my help and support elsewhere. I will arrange the house, finances and contact through a solicitor. I don't know what to do for the best with DD1 because I called him last week and left that voicemail asking if he could speak to her and he had said that morning in a text he would like to FaceTime her sometimes. But he ignored my voicemail which just made me more angry, plus I'm thinking that if he goes long enough without seeing them someone from his family will question him about what the fuck he's playing at rather than it just coming from me. Not that I really think he'd listen to anyone. How can people completely stop caring about their children? It just doesn't make sense to me.

The HV was nice but it was just a checkbox exercise really as I'd been flagged as having my medication increased so they wanted to check in. I'm always so scared about opening up to health professionals about how I really feel in case they judge me as being an unfit mother. So I put on a brave face and make out I'm coping fine. And then immediately regretted it after she left.

Oh hun, I bet you do. Health professionals aren't they to judge? They are here to help. I am a MW (and I know his sister is too which surprises me at her lack of input) but I come across many women who find themselves in such awful situations (out of their control) and we are only there to 1. emphasise and 2. offer something in place to support. Not that there is always enough resources, funding and people to do that but at least talking to her she may have offered some suggestions or popped round a little more frequently as that is her job, and she isn't going to take any burden like perhaps your mum has (with worrying for you etc..).

I respect your decision on not contacting him. I don't know if I could do that but then I probably could if I had been ignored that many times. You have tried and tried. Its just all so unfair, on you and on them.

Keep talking to us though. We are here and I check in as much as I can to see how you are x

Thank you. I really appreciate that. And writing on here has been an enormous help for me. I'm not sure where I'd be without being able to vent on here and getting all of the support and advice. I probably would have begged him to stay with me if I'm honest. Which I am very glad I have not done. The most I ever said I wanted to do was to try to work at it and I don't regret that because I can tell my children that I did everything in my power to keep their family together.

I honestly do think that at some point he will come to his senses and realise what he's done and what he's lost. His Dad apparently regretted it and he turned to alcoholism as another means of escapism. The HV did say today that it sounds as though he's having some kind of breakdown. She saw us quite a bit in the early days after DD2 was born and she remembered how completely devoted he was to all of us. Apparently when she was told, she had to read back over our file to make sure we were the right family because she couldn't believe it. But even if it is a breakdown, short of a psychotic episode, it doesn't excuse his behaviour. And again, this isn't to excuse his behaviour but I think this whole thing is running away from his own feelings/emotional distress and an element of self sabotage. I don't mean this arrogantly, it's just a fact, that his life since being with me was better than it had ever been - with family, friends, finances and opportunities. That's not to say any of that makes you happy, but I wonder if he felt that he didn't truly deserve any of it and so he sabotaged it. Ultimately I know I can be better off without him, I have a hugely supportive family, which he doesn't really, I have the financial support of my family, which he doesn't, I can afford to keep me and my children in a nice house in a nice area, whereas he will only be able to afford a room in a house in a not so great area. Any mutual friends are not impressed with what he's done and haven't wanted to contact him (I haven't asked them not to, I expected them to remain friends with both of us). So all he really has left is his work, colleagues and a woman who can't be that great if she's chosen him at this low point of his life. But more than that, I have our two remarkable little girls and they have all the opportunity and potential in the world. They have a very bright future ahead of them. I don't think he does now. He did, but for some reason he chose not to stick with it.

And about contacting him, I may do, at some point in the future. But for now I am so angry at him that I don't want anything to do with him. It is tempting sometimes when I'm feeling especially low and like I can't cope, but then I just remember how little he cares and hate overtakes any desire to contact him.

Hi Girl I am so sorry to hear how you are feeling. I'm in the middle of a messy divorce and I know how overwhelming it is, especially at the beginning. You will get through it. You won't know how but you will. One foot will keep going in front of the other and you will take a breath then the next. Don't think too far ahead, just take each moment as it comes.

My STBXH hasn't come to regret what he has done and seems to be becoming more and more self-destructive. But what is going through their heads is not for you to think about now. Just focus on keeping breathing for those lovely DCs of yours.

Try and eat.

Yes!!! There's that fighting spirit I didn't see this morning or over the last few days.. Yay!

You are totally right and for everything you have just said he will soon realise that he has made a monumental mistake that has cost him so dearly. What a plonker. Well more than that but thats as much as I can be bothered to call him right now.

I am super pleased to hear such a shift in your attitude- you are amazing!!

Thank you. I have felt for years that I am a weak person, because of how I have struggled and he has always been the strong one. But I'm starting to realise that not only am I stronger than I think, I'm stronger than him - I struggled yes, but I didn't run away. I stayed here and I fought to overcome the stress and the trauma and the depression, and even if I still haven't succeeded with that and even if sometimes I feel like I can't do it, I'm still here. I still get up in the morning, I still feed, care for, play with, comfort and love my girls. He just gave up and walked away.

What pisses me off is that this isn't how he sees it. When someone leaves you, you assume that they have rejected you because they perceive they are better than you. But I am better than him because of everything I just said above. I stuck by my commitments and owned up to my responsibilities. At times that it was really tough, even with him, I stuck with it and got past it because I know it's not all about me. I'm better than him because I'm capable about thinking of the needs of someone other than myself. And of course, because he has walked away and in to the arms of someone else, he now has to try as hard as he possibly can to make it work, even if it's not what he wants because you don't want to have thrown away everything and have nothing to show for it. But really, even if he doesn't love me or the children anymore, how unhealthy is it to move straight in to another relationship with no breathing space or time for reflection. I honestly don't think someone can walk away from their life like that and expect to have no repressed thoughts or feelings that, if they looked inside themselves, they really should confront. And so instead they will just lie dormant until something forces them to come to the surface.

Just popped in for a hand hold for you. I have suffered a major depression in the past and do understand that terrible feeling that you can no longer put one foot in front of the other. I am better now though, so do take heart from that - at the time it seemed an impossibility.

I too had lots going on at the time of the illness: surgery; OH with neuro-degenerative disorder. But in the end I got through.; as will you I am sure.

You have to take a deep breath at the worst moments and say: "I will get better." It is a mantra that does help in the end;it really does.

I do understand your unwillingness to open up to the HCPs but owning up to your vulnerability could trigger support rather than any of the outcomes that you fear. Worth a thought.

And despite what I said earlier and all my positive thoughts, I now feel completely overwhelmed by it all. I keep picturing him with her or imagining what he told her about me, about our relationship, about the children. I know that thinking of that isn't helpful but sometimes it's impossible to stop.