I don't know how to get to tomorrow

[iwasagirlinavillage]

I have a thread in relationships about my marriage collapsing. As a result I can feel myself succumbing to depression and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I already take ADs and I had CBT which ended just before the separation. I just can't do this. Even breathing feels like an almighty difficult task. I have two children so I know I just have to keep going but if it was just me I'm quite certain I would have given up by now. I feel like I've completely slowed down physically, like I'm starting to shut down. But shutting down would be a welcome relief. Although then I think of my DDs and know that I can't do that and a wave of exhaustion hits me again and I feel the weight of it all afresh. I can't do this.

Absolutely right to distinguish between 'help' and the fact he just needs to be a parent and accept his 50% share of the responsibility.

Imagine if you decided to sod off too? Would he look after then then?

Can't understand how he can go for a week without seeing his children for no other reason than he can't be bothered. Oh except when he missed his daughter so much he wanted to FaceTime her at bedtime. Brilliant understanding of her current emotional state right there. Not tried again either has he.

I too feel your in laws silence and lack of support is unbelievable. The girls are their family too and you the mother of their grandchildren.

I'm feeling really low again. It wasn't so bad first thing this morning but throughout the day I've just felt worse and worse. I'm at that really low point where I feel like something either needs to save me or I'm going to completely fall apart. Despair. That's the feeling. I'm scared of feeling this low. I've had two or three major depressive episodes in the past. Only one since I've had children and that was after DD1 came home from hospital and my husband took over everything because I just couldn't function. Now I have no choice but to function, although other people could step in and look after both DDs, they both know, want and need me. Falling apart is not an option. But I'm scared that I'll get to the point where it won't be a choice but it will happen anyway. That I will completely crumble, on a monumental scale, larger than I ever have before, and the consequences may be catastrophic. I'm really scared.

But you have recovered from these episodes in the past - that's what you need to remember -you can and will feel better at some point it's just time that will get you there.
Sorry he's still messing you about with communication - it must be so hard how inconsistent he's being.
Yes your inlaws should be trying harder but do you know what call them on it - they said you know where we are - call them and ask for help - say you're not coping, that your parents can't really either and ask them to watch kids one afternoon/night a week. You need whatever help you can get - if they say no then you really see their true colours. I think you do need to ask them tho - they are probably standing back embarrassed and not sure what to do.

I think that maybe true Sunshine . In laws surely must be desperate to help And hanging back through shame for their son's actions towards you and their grandchildren. Can someone contact them on your behalf?

Your inlaws are in a tricky position and are probably ashamed of their son.They are also probably unaware of the extent that you are struggling.As pp said, call them and ask them directly-they might be waiting for you to do just that. Don't rely on them saying yes, but if they do then it's a bonus.
Your h is being immensely selfish. It seems that is going to be the status quo for now. So count him out.Again, any help he offers is to be seen as a bonus then, but not something that can be relied on.
I am concerned about your health op.I work in mental health and I've felt something like you seem to be feeling now.You need some help my love...please see your gp again and look at meds, and ask for a counselling referral.The last thing you want is to slip into crisis-it's great that you recognise the danger signs of that happening.have you told your parents how you are feeling? Would they be understanding? (Sorry-I don't want to nag-just concerned and don't want you to become unwell).

Last night DD1 woke up horribly distressed at around 8.45pm. She was completely inconsolable and couldn't tell me what was wrong. I brought her downstairs and she eventually calmed down enough for me to understand her saying "I want my Daddy", "I want to cuddle my Daddy". I tried to call him and it went to voicemail so I left him a message with her sobbing in the background. I tried his mum, voicemail, left a message. My phone died so I asked my Dad to try calling him, he left a message and then eventually spoke to his Mum who also said she would try to contact him. He phoned back and spoke to DD1. She calmed down. On the phone I asked him why he ignored my text earlier and he said he wasn't ignoring me, he just didn't know what to say - this was when I told him I'm struggling and I need him to take some responsibility. I told him on the phone that it's 50% his responsibility and he huffed and said "I know". DD1 said to him "why don't you come to see me anymore?" and he said " I'm just not there anymore". He said he would arrange to see her very soon and she asked if he would be here in the morning and he said no, he's working. I told him they obviously come very low on his list of priorities at the moment and that wrong. He said that's not true. I said they at least come second. He said he's sorry and I said "you're not though, you keep saying it but nothing changes". I said that he says all the right things on the phone but then he goes back to her and he doesn't care. He said its not like that. He hasn't text this morning to ask if she's okay so I sent him a text telling him that she is. And DD2 is as well,

How can he treat his own children this way?

I cried, sobbed throughout the whole call as I was so upset seeing DD1 like that. When we got off the phone my Mum gave us both a cuddle and DD1 said "Mummy's upset, why is Mummy upset?" and my Mum said because Daddy's not being very nice to Mummy at the moment and it makes her sad (not ideal that she said that). And DD1 said "but no one else can help him". I'm not sure what she meant but what she said is true. He seems to be beyond help.

Not replying because you 'don't know what to say' IS ignoring! It's just not good enough!

If you were reaching out to him about your relationship or your distress or what he's done to you or his new woman then I could more understand his ignoring (sorry, not ignoring).

But you're asking him to do something about his relationship with his CHILDREN! He doesn't get to not know what to say! He's the adult here! He has fathered two children and needs to be responsible for them.

I don't know what to say to make his attitude change. What the hell is his job that he is constantly working and can't take annual leave? He needs to sort his priorities out.

Though please know that your daughter's distress will not last. The sad truth is that if he continues like this she will soon move on and he'll become less and less relevant. That's tragic too but at least it won't be as heartbreaking for her day to day - though she'll likely look back when she's older and reflect on her father's behaviour, probably coming to the same conclusion that we all have - he's a cowardly fucker.

This is so sad to read your poor DD. It is really difficult to get your head around the fact that the person you thought you knew turns out to be capable of such selfish behaviour.

For what it's worth I would contact your IL's and ask for help seeing as your DD's dad does not seem to be stepping up to the plate at all. I would hope that they are all embarrassed about his behaviour if they say no then you know where you stand.

It is such a painful thing to go through, I've always thought I would take any physical pain over emotional pain it is just awful. I too went through a phase of having suicidal thoughts but apart from not wanting to leave my DC with only their pathetic excuse for a dad to look after their needs I remember thinking that I would never have given him the satisfaction of thinking he was that important to me.

If you can find your anger, it is a very useful emotion at times like these and can give you energy when you need it most. One other piece of advice would be not to contact OW however tempting it is (and I know it is!) you will be glad you kept the high ground later on.

Of course he hasn't text this morning to ask how she is so I text him saying she's okay emotionally but she has the start of a cold and DD2 has a cold too.

He replied and said "I'm sorry" (again!) and asked what we're doing today and if he could FaceTime her. I replied this following:

Yeah. I'll let you know time. I don't want to keep having a go at you for it, I just need you to be there for them. Hate me as much as you want but don't punish them. I know a carefree life with your girlfriend must be much more fun, but you can't completely turn your back on them. Or if you are then you need to be upfront about that so I can at least tell her not to expect to see you again.

He hasn't replied. Would I be within my rights to say if you don't reply to me and tell me what you're going to do to take some responsibility then you can't FaceTime her? I don't want to make things worse but he's just getting away with it. At the same time, I don't know if FaceTime will be a good or a bad thing.

And DD1 has a cold - her saturation is low (not yet 92) and her heart rate is up (138). It partly explains why she was so distressed last night. A hospital admission would be just what we need right now. And he probably wouldn't come to be with her anyway.

I would let them face time today as long as it's not at an unreasonable time. You need to get some arranged access so that your DD know when they will get to see him and you know when you can get some time to yourself. I would get some legal advice ASAP but also the mediation sounds like a good idea too. I wonder if he is getting hassle from OW about contact with you and DC.? I know my ex's OW wanted him to forget about us altogether, not that that excuses the behaviour of course.

He's using work as an excuse. I know he had been working the past three weekends and he says he has had one day off over the past 2 1/2 weeks which was when he had the girls last week. If the OW is who I think she is, based on Facebook snooping, then she isn't anywhere near local, she lives in a completely different country, but takes part in these weekend events he's been working on. So I don't think she would be behind his lack of contact with them. Unfortunately I think that's all down to him and the blame should lay firmly with him.

He replied and said that about work and said he's not doing it intentionally. I replied:

Then you need to insist on time off. If you were still with us you would say you couldn't work three consecutive weekends, you should still be putting your children first. Plus you still have evenings.

Unfortunately then it looks like he's opting out of family life too not just the relationship. As a pp said he's going to find that he becomes irrelevant in his DD's lives the longer it goes on and ultimately he will be the loser in all of this in the end. My ex has been chasing DS1 with letters and pleas to see him for a while now but DS who is now 16 is not interested and feels that having his dad in his life just gives him hassle he doesn't need.

Not that that is helpful to you right now, get as much rl practical help as you can and try and rope his relatives in to your support system.

I think you have to see that not seeing his children, after previously being a great dad, is him in the midst of the breakdown. Men often throw themselves into work when they are depressed.
I think stop trying to 'gulit' him as it's not working. I don't know what else you van do tho!
I would definitely call your inlaws and ask them to have girls. You can maybe try talking to them about him again too - see what they think is going on with his relationship with the girls. Phone not text as you'll get more info and don't need to wait for a response.

Maybe try that with him you - stop texting and call when you need to speak to him (even if he doesn't always answer). The texts are allowing him to ignore you and get info but give nothing back?

Ps hope your dd1 is ok- do you usually take her in with those sats? I think I would be tempted tonight/tomorrow

I think it sounds like he is having a break down himself. This doesn't diminish how you feel or his responsibility, but consideration and compassion maybe needed.

Stop trying to contact him. He has evidenced he will only contact you when he chooses. Your constant msgs are probably just goading him and it certainly isn't getting you anywhere mentally. Contact his family, ask them to have the girls for a night or two. They will no doubt ask why your ex isn't having them, be honest and state he isn't responding for your request for help and leave it at that, do not be negative other than to state that simple fact.

I am going to be harsh here, I know how feeling like you are at rock bottom feels, but your constant msgs aren't helping you or him. You need to now consider other support networks without him and leave him alone.

You're right and I was leaving him until I reached a point of desperation myself and then we've ended up in the same cycle again without me realising it. I won't text him anymore. We still have the plan to meet on Monday, but no time or location so I will likely just text to tel him when and where we will meet and leave it at that. If he doesn't turn up he doesn't turn up.

I agree that I think he's having a breakdown. I've thought it all along. Some may think that it's an excuse but I know him and his family know him and none of us know this man anymore. This is the man who cried at a Save the Children advert because the girl sleeping on the pavement was the same age as our DD and he hated seeing it. He once walked back to the park at 3am when we realised DDs favourite teddy who was with her in NICU had gone missing. He chocked up when he said his wedding vows, cried tears of relief when DD2 was born and sang to and rocked DD1 for hours on end when I couldn't cope. You just don't go from that to this without something happening.

But that doesn't excuse his behaviour.

As for DD1, her sats are now down to 93. HR is still around 140. Keeping a close eye and will continue to monitor. She doesn't have a fever and she is okay in herself - still playing etc. But she can go from that to lethargic immediately. The first admission she had for breathing problems she was fine, playing, smiling etc and then she burst into tears and just wanted to be cuddled. She didn't talk for the rest of the day and just whimpered. It's scary how quickly they can go downhill.

It doesn't excuse his behaviour at all and it isn't ok that his behaviour has taken you back to such a negative place, especially since he knows this and supported you through the last time.

Start contacting family and ensure you get a break. Look after you first as you can't look after anyone else effectively if your struggling yourself.

Start being selfish and bollocks to him and his family if they have anything to say about it.

Remember to count her respiratory rate too - above 40/50 breaths per min at her age is another flag to go to d.

And as for him I think go back to the two people drowning myself and my husband were called by a counsellor - using that analogy you are drowning at the mo and so is he - he can't save you/make you feel better and you can't him until you are in better place (and then you have to decide if you want to or not). Def contact his family.