I don't know how to get to tomorrow

[iwasagirlinavillage]

I have a thread in relationships about my marriage collapsing. As a result I can feel myself succumbing to depression and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I already take ADs and I had CBT which ended just before the separation. I just can't do this. Even breathing feels like an almighty difficult task. I have two children so I know I just have to keep going but if it was just me I'm quite certain I would have given up by now. I feel like I've completely slowed down physically, like I'm starting to shut down. But shutting down would be a welcome relief. Although then I think of my DDs and know that I can't do that and a wave of exhaustion hits me again and I feel the weight of it all afresh. I can't do this.

Where is the evidence that this man is "drowning" ? I do think the op probably needs to stop thinking of him as someone to rely on and get some help with his share of the parenting responsibilities.

But care and compassion is a bit much to ask the op to provide given he has left her with two tiny children for another woman and has effectively abandoned them

Mrscain - the op was with him for 12 years and has said he was previously a good partner and dad. As a couple in the last 3 years they've then had 2 premature born children and numerous hospitals admissions with them including a life threatening stay for dd1 on nicu. His dad is also ill. The op has struggled with pnd and ptsd from these events so he's had to support her too. The thinking is he's just finally crumbled under the pressure. No one is excusing his behaviour or cheating - he was entirely a shit for buffering off and cheating and abondoning the op and his kids but we are believing and trusting the op's judgement when she says it is really out of character for him - the bit about suddenly not seemingly caring about his children in particular. The priority of course for the op is getting some practical help with the day to day and trying to see if she can establish a solid relationship back with her husband and his kids - i think it's the latter that's upsetting her the most. How horrid to have to watch your kids hurt too especially when they are too young to understand fully. I don't know how she can help him want to see his kids more - like other pp have said it's down to him to do so, but it must be hard to stop wanting to fix it for her dds.

Ps op do correct if I've summarised wrong!

I agree completely sunshine. But I know that others on here may well have been in a similar situation where their partner has completely changed overnight and the only reason is the OW. Or maybe there are more men than we realise going around having some kind of breakdown and the OW is just an easy escape for them, but if the reason for a breakdown isn't immediately clear and they never realise it or seek help for it then they only conclusion you can come to is that they're a disgraceful human being. I don't think my husband is a disgraceful human being, I think what he's done and what he's doing is disgraceful. But maybe I will think differently in the future.

Lots of people crumble under pressure or have breakdowns but don't abandon their children. It just seems to me that this is making excuses for some men's (and it is nearly always men) bad behaviour. But anyway I will bow out now as don't want to derail. Hope you get things sorted op.

I'm really not coping today. I am going to go to the GP tomorrow. But what are they likely to do if I'm just going because I can't cope, because I'm exhausted and depressed? There's obviously the possibility of increasing or changing medication but that would mean I'd have to stop breastfeeding and how much would that affect DD2 at this time - to take away a source of comfort? And not only that, any medication would take time and I'm worried about what happens in the meantime. And obviously, the cure for exhaustion is sleep but I can't do much about that at the moment, other than asking for more help which I am doing.

I don't think I can hold it together much longer.

I'm scared by the way I feel.

He's cancelled tomorrow because he apparently hasn't been able to get the day off work.

DD1s saturation is dipping when she's sleeping - it's going between 87 and 91 which means she needs oxygen. I'm letting her sleep for now as she's exhausted and if she needs to go to hospital she'll get that much more distressed if she's tired and that will send her heart rate up and it's already high. When she wakes up I'll do the puffs of the blue inhaler and see how she is.

Can someone give me some advice about how I can respond to DD1 when she asks me why Daddy doesn't come to see her? For now I've just been saying "I don't know but he loves you very much". I don't want to give her false hope that she will see him only for him to let her down.

I just don't know what to suggest to help explain to her what's going on. The sack of shit himself should be explaining.

Could you just say he's working? But he loves the girls very much?

I guess this is why you need future contact planned out so your daughter knows when she's seeing him and you have something you can tell her.

As for cancelling tomorrow - does he work 24 hours a day?! Who is he kidding that he's too busy working to meet? More like he just wants to avoid a tricky conversation where he has to confront face to face the pain he's causing and explain why he's not bothering with his children. What a coward.

I agree that he is just avoiding everything and I'm not going to bother anymore.

The thing with his work is that they left their old office before they had a new one so there was a period where everyone had to work from home. As he has no home, he chose to work on one of their sites which is 2 hrs drive away, possibly more in rush hour. Because he's been working there, and able to do stuff specific to that site, his work have paid for him to stay in a travel lodge. Tomorrow they are moving in to a new office so, despite him working all this weekend, they've told him he can't have tomorrow off. He said he could take Tuesday off but that doesn't work for us talking as DD1 isn't at nursery on a Tuesday, and I had already told him that we have plans on Tuesday.

I phoned 111 about DD1 and they got a doctor to call me back. The doctor said to take her in to A&E.

I'd be inclined to talk to dd1 about there being lots of types of family, some with just mum, some with mum and dad, some with 2 mums, etc. I'd try to mention people she knows with different setups. There are books with different families.

However, ex refusing to commit to visiting really makes it hard for her. My more sensitive child to dad being away (with work) needed visual aids for how much time was passing till she saw him again, but you can't do that when. He won't commit.

If he would take her to see where he's staying, it would let her picture that, and might help, and stop the confusion with him coming to yours. I also think it would be good for him to see each of them separately, good for them I mean, and more manageable for him so maybe less likely to back out, and still a break for you to have just one.

I hope dd2 is doing better. It will pass, it will get better. Xx

Sorry you are going into hospital. Definitely let him know this but then leave it there. Will you go in with her or your mum?

Currently waiting in A&E. My Dad is with us as he drove us. DD2 is also here with us. It's really busy. Been put through as urgent, her sats have gone up (95) but so has her heart rate (170). I've let her dad know. He apparently crashed the car last week (first I've heard of it) so he would have to get public transport here. Not sure if that's what he's doing or not.

Apparently he is coming.

Poor you guys. Hope he does come - will give dd1 a boost if so. Hope you can get a bed to have a lie down at some point.

Oh no-thinking of you all X

Big hugs to you and your girls.

So glad your dad is with you. Maybe this will be the turning point for him, or the final push over the edge that will ensure he gets help.

Where in the uk are you, have you posted in local threads? Could be chance to meet other mums n dads and start building a much needed support network.

Thanks all. I'm shattered. DD2 can't sleep with the noise and lights. DD1 is happily playing. Her sats are a little better (94 in air) but she's tachycardic (HR is 170+). Her chest is apparently quite clear but she'd just had her inhaler so they want to give it a while and see.

I am thinking of you. I hope your dc gets better soon.
With regard to what you say to kids about dad visits or cancellations. I would just say that daddy loves her very much and is working very hard and is going to try to see her. Get ex to call and that is better than nothing.
I wouldn't let the kids know about plans in case he cancels. Perhaps an hour before he is due to pick them check he is coming and then tell them. I would be careful about dissing their dad in front of them as it is hard enough for them already.
I hope your ex starts to get his shit together soon.

Hope your daughter is well enough to go home tonight

Did he grace you with his presence?

I hope he explains the car accident etc.

Hope you all get a good night sleep

Being allowed to go home.

He did come to the hospital last night. He borrowed a car that they have on site so he could get there. He arrived just after we were told we could go home so we waited in the hospital reception for him to see them. DD1 was pleased to see him but not as excited as I thought she would be. DD2 woke up so I tried to give the three of them a bit of time together but she just wanted to be fed and go back to sleep so she just kept crying for me. He seemed affected by it all, kept hugging DD1 really tight and seemed like he felt guilty/sad. I don't really believe any of it though, it's easy to put on an act for 15 minutes. He also kept looking at me and I looked like shit as I'm so tired and I had a headache as I hadn't eaten and I could see a look of (mock) concern on his face but I just looked away. I'd like to think he could see the toll it's taking on me and step up to his responsibilities for the sake of his children, but I doubt it. My Dad was there and brought DD2 over in the buggy and just walked away again, didn't say anything to him. I'm sure that spoke volumes as my Dad is very tolerant and always polite. My Dad went and sat on a nearby bench and afterwards I could tell he'd been crying. He said its all just so sad. I offered for him to stay in our house last night as we were staying at my parents anyway but he told me he'd already booked a local hotel so he could be nearby in case she was admitted or had to go back in the night. He tried asking about if we'd had a nice weekend, I just nodded. I didn't really say anything to him other than to relay what the doctors had said. He has text this morning to ask about DD1. I told him that we'd had a disrupted night with inhalers every 4 hours and she didn't go to sleep until almost midnight. He replied and said "I'm sorry. How are you doing?" I haven't responded.