I don't know how to get to tomorrow

[iwasagirlinavillage]

I have a thread in relationships about my marriage collapsing. As a result I can feel myself succumbing to depression and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I already take ADs and I had CBT which ended just before the separation. I just can't do this. Even breathing feels like an almighty difficult task. I have two children so I know I just have to keep going but if it was just me I'm quite certain I would have given up by now. I feel like I've completely slowed down physically, like I'm starting to shut down. But shutting down would be a welcome relief. Although then I think of my DDs and know that I can't do that and a wave of exhaustion hits me again and I feel the weight of it all afresh. I can't do this.

I have been checking in daily to see if you had been on MN lwas. I am glad to read your update that things have settled down a bit. Don't rush back to work until you feel ready, you have had a dreadful few months and you have your appointment to attend yet.

Ah glad things are ok-ish.
What op said about going back to work-no point until you feel well enough. I lost my job after what happened to me and whilst that seemed disastrous at the time I now see that I needed to be at home for a bit to get better...if that's what you need then you should have no qualms about it.

Good to see your update Iwas....sending big unmumsnetty hugs! xx

How's tricks OP? Is no news good news?

Would love to know how your getting on OP

I started writing a huge reply but got distracted and didn't finish it. I'll post it in parts.

This was written on Monday:

Today is DD2s 1st Birthday. We're just on our way back from the beach. We went with my parents. Both of the girls are asleep in the car.


The last few days have been very odd. On Friday, DD1 kept saying she wanted to speak to Daddy, normally I just tell her he's busy but she was getting pretty worked up about it so I sent him a text asking if he could speak to her sometime. He didn't respond and then he called about 5 hours later but I was out for an appointment. We arranged for him to call the next day at 11am. I didn't tel DD1 in case he let her down. So when he called I put it on speaker phone and asked her to come over and as soon as she heard his voice she got really upset. I asked her what was wrong and all she could say was she wanted her favourite teddy. We went to get him, all the while with her Dad listening on speaker phone, and then she wouldn't talk to him. She did her teddy's voice and said a few things as if he was speaking to him, one or which was "my Daddy's working too". I asked her if she wanted to speak to Daddy herself and she said "I'll speak to him in a minute" I asked her again a few minutes later and she said the same thing, she kept saying she'd do it in a minute. I said to him that could he maybe try calling back in 5 minutes. I asked her if she wanted to talk to him and she said no. I told her that if she changes her mind and wants to speak to him she can tell me and we'll call him. I text him to let him know and he said he hates that talking to him is making her sad and he doesn't know what to do. I said that she's not seen or spoken to him for nearly 2 weeks and that's obviously having an impact. He then said he'd try to arrange having them one afternoon a week starting from this week. Then yesterday he text about some presents for DD2s birthday. Then at their bedtime he text me to say he realised he didn't have his house key with him and could he get an uber to collect mine from me. The whole thing pissed me off and really upset me, at the time he sent that I was already feeling anxious as at that time last year I was in premature labour with my husband by my side. Then I had about 8 missed calls from him, a text, a voicemail where he sounded pissed off. And suddenly it seemed like I was supposed to jump because he needed something, ignoring all the times his children have needed him and he's just ignored me trying to make contact. I went and sat in the bathroom and cried. Then my BIL got in touch to say he'd tried contacting him. He said he didn't seem pissed off, if anything he sounded sheepish and worried that he couldn't get a hold of me. So I calmed down and I called him to say he could have the key. He was fine on the phone, I said I have a key but I'm concerned about giving it to a stranger. He said he would text me the registration number so I can confirm it's the right car. Then he asked if I'd had a good day and I said "yeah, just a bit of a weird day" and he said "sorry", I said it wasn't his fault and he said "I imagine it kind of is" and I said, "I don't mean about that (Father's Day), just that a year ago I was in labour" and he said "I know" and sounded really sad. Then he said "I am really sorry for all of it Village. You didn't deserve any of that" and I said "it still happened" and then I was about to cry so I said something dismissive and then he said "how are you Village?" and I said "I'm okay" and he said "would you tell me if you weren't?" and I said "like I say, it's just a hard day, I keep thinking back to a year ago" and he said "I know, me too" and he sounded like he was crying. I pretty much rounded up the conversation and said I'd put it in an envelope for the driver and said bye. He started to say something but it was at the same time as I said bye so he whispered bye and then I hung up.

Then on Monday morning he asked if he could FaceTime DD2 to say Happy Birthday. I asked DD1 if she wanted to talk to Daddy and she said no, I asked her if she wanted to FaceTime him and she said yes. On FaceTime she was a bit better but didn't really talk to him much directly, she spoke through her new dolly. At the end she made dolly say to him "I love you" and "bye". I asked if she was going to tell Daddy she loved him and she didn't say anything. I asked her to say bye then and she said she did it already. He seemed and looked very sombre, DD2 didn't seem to recognise him, she didn't smile or react to him which she has done previously.

He confirmed that he could get Tuesday off to have them in the afternoon and overnight so I asked DD1 if she wanted to go and she said she did. Then on the way to the beach she started talking about the "different girl" again. I text to ask him about it and we had a bit of a conversation about it - he claims he hasn't introduced her to the OW and I am inclined to believe him because she says similar about the "other Daddy". Anyway, in the end he said "I haven't introduced her, please believe me, just enjoy DD2s birthday". So I left it at that. Then in the afternoon he sent me a text saying "Can we talk after the girls have gone to sleep tonight? I need to sort some things out with you". I replied and said "do we really have to do it tonight on DD2s birthday?" and he replied and said "ok, tomorrow?" I said "why are you doing this today of all days?" and he said "it's nothing bad Village, I just wanted to talk. Sorry. I'll talk to you tomorrow". I didn't reply but of course it was on my mind for the rest of the day.

That night my Dad told me that he had sent him an email about the house and finances in relation to it (my parents have a financial interest). I was really pissed off that he wanted to talk to me about that on DD2s birthday of all days. A friend of mine said that he's trying to involve himself in her day and make his presence felt even though he's not with us. I think she's probably right but it's really selfish of him. Anyway, it all ended in an argument with my parents because I was annoyed that they had brought it up with me on DD2s birthday and they said it wasn't there fault and then everyone just got irritable about lots of little niggles we had with living together. I don't think the heat helped either.

I text him about arrangements for collecting the girls yesterday and he said that was one of the things he wanted to discuss with me, if he could have them longer or have them an additional day later in the week. I said the latter would be better as I wanted to see how DD1 was with him after the recent communication hadn't been overly successful.

That's all he wanted to talk about, having the girls extra day? He goes silent for a couple of weeks and then expects you to jump?! I think your friend is right, he just wanted to be involved.

You need a formal agreement in place, he will have them at x time on x days. 1 so you get a rest but more importantly stability for your girls, it's so unfair to expect them to cope with sporadic visits.

If he is still seeing her why does he look so forlorn? I can't make this guy out!

Probably because he's realised the grass isn't totally greener and is regretting his behaviour to some degree but hasn't totally decided he wants back in with op...or thinks he wouldn't be welcome given what has gone down.
He probably did want to be involved on dd's birthday but didn't know how to ask given the way he has behaved.

How are you doing generally op? I'm glad you have come back, was wondering how you were...

I think your daughter is just playing through her emotions and nothing to worry about. But the best thing that you both can give her is structure and routine. I would bite his hand off at any regular arrangements. Just stress the need for routine.

The finances do have to be talked about unfortunately. Get a suitable time for both of you in the diary then that is one more hurdle jumped.

You are doing great OP, given all the circumstances. He clearly hasn't got a clear head - but that is to be expected - and he obviously can't give you any of the things that the girls need for a marriage/family arrangement so really it reinforces you are better off out of it.

I think once financials are decided and you can start to see the opportunities open to you for your future things will get easier.

It was that and the house stuff. But both of those things he's previously text me about so a bit of me thinks there was something else he wanted to say.

So when he collected them yesterday I was so anxious beforehand. I felt really sick. I was worried how DD1 would be but she was pleased to see him and gave him a big cuddle. I had spoken to her in the morning and asked if she was okay about seeing Daddy and told her if she wanted me she could Daddy and they could phone me. I told him that I would come, even in the middle of the night, if she was upset. She was pleased to see him though and went no problem so that was good. I had to wake DD2 up (typical that she chose that time to have a long nap for a change!) so he was there for a while. He kept staring at me when I was turned away but I could see him out of the corner of my eye. I said to him about selling the house - my Dad replied to his e-mail to say that we all thought that was the best option. I can't even remember what was specifically said, just general we'll have to do x, y and z. He said at one point "of alternatively we could just rent it out, it depends if you want to cut all attachments to it". I told him that that's what I would have done if I'd have bought him out (which was one thing we talked about) as I didn't want to live there myself. There was no real response to that. After that we talked about stuff with the girls and as he was leaving I said "so we don't need to talk about anything else now? Just the house and about having them Friday yeah?" And he sort of hesitated and said "yeah, we'll talk about the house at some point".

In hindsight I wonder if he wanted to say something else to me but he saw that as me dismissing anything further. I don't know. I was scared/anxious about what he would say so I just wanted it over and done with but maybe he saw it as me shooting him down.

DD1 was fine being with him overnight so I've agreed he can have them again on Friday.

Tuesday nights should become a regular thing now - in the future he will collect them from nursery at lunch time, have them for the afternoon and overnight and drop them to nursery on Wednesday. That was always going to be the plan when I went back to work. Unfortunately I've been signed off from work pending my appointment with the neurologist which is 10th July. I'm not sure I'll get any answers then though so my GP thinks I might need to be signed off for longer. I've had 5 out of 6 counselling sessions. It's been okay. I want to continue with someone else so I will look in to private counselling once it's finished. I have come a long way. I still have days where I REALLY struggle. And I have days when I analyse every word and movement from him trying to work out what's happening. But I'm at a point where I don't know what I want for the future. I suppose I want him to want me back so I don't feel so rejected. I still hurt lots and I feel the hurt and rejection of my children. All in all though, I am doing better.

You do sound like you are doing better.

And maybe wanting him to want you is all about the rejection and the hurt rather than reality. He sounds so all over the place and not at all focussed on the children's needs that I can't imagine you back happily all living together for more than 5 minutes in reality!

Why would he suggest renting it out? My alarm bells are saying to keep you hanging on a string a little somewhere and stop you moving on. Or to give himself an investment that it sounds like is more your parents than his?

Don't be fooled OP. I remember you saying how wonderful he was in the past, coping with it all and supportive etc but that could also be about control. He feels he is losing his control over you with house sold and life happening at your speed perhaps?

Also, I used to sit in my counselling and talk about DH constantly, does he mean this? Is he thinking that? Will he do this? Etc. My counsellor used to keep drawing me back to me. I needed to think about me and keep my energy there not waste on whats? Whys? How's? That could never really be answered. I still do it now so I know how easy it is to do, but really, he doesn't know what he is thinking so you never will. Your energy needs to be on you. The future. All the positives and your DDs.

It's been a while since I updated again but today I'm overwhelmed with sadness and feeling very reflective. I know the bad days will still happen and they are becoming less frequent, but I feel really very low today and knowing that bad days are less frequent provides little comfort when you're in it.

I just feel very sad.

A friend has just helped me to see something very important and groundbreaking for me. I have touched previously on the PTSD I suffered as a result of DD1s birth. I can't remember if I've said but I often replay things, to over and over them, look for clues, looks for more information, try to find out what happened, why is happened, I google, sometimes random things, like for images of the hospital where she was, trying to re-live it all. When I had CBT I spoke about this and I said it's a difficult juxtaposition because the most traumatic experience of my life is what I want to be the happiest - it was my daughter's birth and her first few months of life - which is why I don't want to discard and let go of it. I have over 2,000 photos of that time, she was a new baby and I'm sure you all have thousands of photos of your new babies, just because mine have wires and tubes in them they're not really any different. But it's hard to look at them. But it's also amazing to look at them. Anyway, the realisation from my friend is that revisiting, replaying, examining, exploring that experience is a form of self harm. I know it hurts and that's why I do it. But it's within the boundaries of control - I know it will hurt me but ultimately it won't kill me because she survived, and I survived. This was all realised today as I found her discharge summary from when she was born and in it, it said that she arrived at the resuscitare discoloured and floppy with a HR of 60. So I googled heart rate and birth (stupid) and found that a HR of 60 in a newborn is considered cardiac arrest. So 3 years down the line I'm still discovering this stuff but I'm still actively looking for it also. But of course it doesn't change the present, so there is no point other than to inflict pain on myself. But this is such a habit now that I don't know how to break it.

I was meant to have my last counselling session today but there was a mix up and the counsellor was on leave. I'll have a look in to finding another counsellor though as I think I definitely need it.

I think that is an important revelation and just acknowledging it is a big step in itself.

A fresh counselling experience with someone recommend sounds like a good idea. Maybe ask GP to recommend someone?

How are you OP?

4 years ago today I got married. So today's not a great day.

Hope tomorrow's better, which is today. 😳

I hope your day wasn't too bad how are things with the girls? Are they seeing their dad more have you got anymore answers?

No, he's being a useless arse. The house is currently on the market. He posted on twitter a few weeks ago l a photo of him kissing the OW and claiming to be in love with her. He wants to introduce her to the children. Since that I've barely spoken to him. He had them more last week but had then only one weekend in June. He claims I'm moving the goal posts because I swapped a weekend at his request so for some reason he assumed that that meant he didn't have to have them on the next weekend which would have been his anyway. But it's all my fault. We argued about it in front of the girls, which was shit and then it was the next day he said he wanted to introduce OW. She is young and looks like a man. No one can believe that he's given up everything he had for that. He also buggered off to Italy with work and didn't bother to tell me he was away. I had to call him as DD1 was distraught and I got the international dialling tone and he said he didn't tell me because he thought I'd be annoyed, I just said I thought it would be a good idea to tell me if he's leaving the country, especially when he has two children who are prone to illness. He said sorry and said he was back in a few days. That was a lie, he came back over a week later. He's an idiot.

I saw the neurologist the other week and I've been referred for an MRI. She thinks it's not just caused by stress and we will know more after the MRI.

I can't remember what I updated about the DDs so sorry if I'm repeating.

DD1 seems to have some deafness so she's been referred for a hearing test. It seems to be getting worse. The hearing test is mid August. She currently has a cold and cough and I'm having to give a high dose of her inhalers and her sats are still low so I'm constantly monitoring.

DD2 had an "episode" in the swimming pool the other week where she went floppy and her lips went blue. She didn't become unconscious but she wasn't responding to me. She was like that for about a minute. She was boiling hot and shivering. I obviously took her out and she continued shivering for a while. Once I fed her she went to sleep and she seemed better but she was still hot so I got her checked at UCC. She had a fever and they wanted a urine sample but then I realised she wasn't eating or drinking and hadn't done a wee since before swimming. We waited and waited and after 6 hours of no urine output they sent us over to A&E. There they noticed a non blanching rash. She was otherwise fine but they decided to do some bloods. By then she had had a feed so they said we could go and they would call us with the blood test results and if there was a problem we'd have to go back. They called at 11pm and said the results were fine. A few days later I took her to the GP and he looked over the blood results and said he was surprised they said they were fine as her calcium level is high. He had no idea how or why, especially as she's on a dairy free diet. He ordered more bloods but there's a long wait for paediatric phlebotomy so they haven't been done yet. I saw her consultant this week and DD2 has lost weight. She weighs 95g less than she did a month ago - she's 7.4kg at 13 months old. Her consultant has ordered a range of blood tests so we're waiting for that. She also has a cold at the moment, another one, so there are a lot of tissues being used in this house at the moment!

I hope everyone else is okay. I'd like to hear how you're all doing.

Ah it sounds like you have had a rough time

He is an unbelievable arse and you are far better off without him he is a liar. You are a wonderful mum and I'm the long run you are the one that will benefit from this xx

I hope so Peaches. And I don't feel like a wonderful mum but I'm definitely a better parent than their father!!!

Typically DD1 was admitting to hospital this weekend. She's back home now fortunately.

I've had an up and down few days. Emotionally I mean. No real reason but I've been quite reflective and sad at times. And then tonight, for some unknown reason I decided to look at his "work" profile on Facebook - his "personal" one is still as it was when we were together, I'm in the cover photo and he has started logging on to that one but doesn't post anything. Anyway, I looked and his profile picture is of him and OW and his cover photo is of him and the DDs. It bothered me more that the DDs were on his profile. I looked through and there are photos of him and OW in various places. My initial reaction was that adrenaline kicked in, I felt my heart racing etc. BUT, then I realised that I actually didn't really care. In fact I found it all quite funny. She is early 20s. She is in way over her head. Even in the photos I can see through it, it's forced smiles from him and playing at being something he isn't. It's really laughable. I don't know why but my reaction is to be amused. And I feel a bit sorry for him. Not in a nice way of course, I pity him and what his life is now. It doesn't look like something to envy. What does bother me though is that my children have to be involved with him, this man that is trying to pretend his old life doesn't exist, when all DD1 wants is her old life. It's not fair to her. And I hate that he's living this "care-free" easy life without consequences and my two beautiful daughters are caught up in it, and they will of course live with the consequences of his decisions. I hate his selfishness. He doesn't even see that what he's doing to them is not ok.