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Original poster

I don't know how to get to tomorrow

903 replies

iwasagirlinavillage · 27/03/2017 16:14

I have a thread in relationships about my marriage collapsing. As a result I can feel myself succumbing to depression and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I already take ADs and I had CBT which ended just before the separation. I just can't do this. Even breathing feels like an almighty difficult task. I have two children so I know I just have to keep going but if it was just me I'm quite certain I would have given up by now. I feel like I've completely slowed down physically, like I'm starting to shut down. But shutting down would be a welcome relief. Although then I think of my DDs and know that I can't do that and a wave of exhaustion hits me again and I feel the weight of it all afresh. I can't do this.

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Sunshineandlaughter · 29/03/2017 15:23

if you don't want to contact him can you ask your inlaws to take them overnight? It's not about being weak or vulnerable - no one could do what you are trying to do.
IMO it seems like there's a little power game going on with your oh - my oh does this too - goes away then waits to be called so he can swoop in and be the good guy 'helping out'. You could say to him perhaps - id like you to have regular contact for the girls sake -how about every Monday and Thursday overnight or does that not work for his working situation? Just tell him when he's coming rather than ask if you know what I mean. His family are either embarrassed for him or he's spun them a story about what's going on with you both.
Lack of sleep can make you so depressed (I know I was nearly hospitalised with exhaustion once) so I'm not sure I would try more meds before I had tried tell various people they had to take a turn at overnight. You could also try a night nanny and charge it to the joint account!!

Original poster
iwasagirlinavillage · 29/03/2017 15:38

Actually, a night nanny could be a good idea. I literally don't care about cost at this point. I couldn't put a price on it. I wonder if the worker from nursery would do an overnight - she knows DD1 so I'd be happy for her to do it.

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nigelforgotthepassword · 29/03/2017 16:39

I think sleep should be your first priority-so night nanny if you can get one-then medication if you still need it.
The issue with medication is that it will probably make you feel
Worse before you feel better-and that might not be doable for you at the moment.Whereas sleep will automatically make it easier to cope.
I do also think you need to contact him and come up with a short term plan for contact for the next few months. That can be all you talk about but you (and the girls) need that in place so you can plan and rest accordingly.
Finally have you contacted a solicitors yet? Even just to make an appointment a few weeks hence.Just to get some advise.uncertainty about where you stand financially might be contributing to your anxiety-it would be good to get an idea of where you stand-and I'd imagine he is already doing this same so this would serve you well.
I really feel for you op-but you have done so well and you can and will get through this.

nigelforgotthepassword · 29/03/2017 16:40

Mediation can be helpful-but it can also be very emotionally draining. And you really need legal advice belfry you go in so you know what's reasonable to ask for.

Original poster
iwasagirlinavillage · 29/03/2017 16:44

Sorry, I was talking about mediation, not medication. I meant going to mediation with my husband to talk through the practical arrangements as I don't think we can get anywhere trying to work it out on our own.

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Linds33 · 29/03/2017 16:52

I think it will help in this situation yes. He needs to realise that he has responsibilities and not leave it all down to you. You don't feel comfortable contacting him and he doesn't always respond so a more formal approach may help. Show him you mean business. Hope you get some sleep. Xx

Original poster
iwasagirlinavillage · 29/03/2017 17:01

I've just submitted an enquiry form for a local solicitor. They run their own mediation service so that could be a useful option.

Presumably I will need an address for him before I go to the solicitor in case I instruct them to write a letter re contact with the children?

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MagicalMrsMistoffelees · 29/03/2017 17:09

Such bullshit to blame you for the fact he slept with her! Straight out of the cheating husband handbook that one: why take responsibility for your own actions when you can pin them on somebody else?! The ability to deceive themselves and deflect blame on to others is such a standard cheating partner skill.

Truth is he was been sleeping with her well before that. You mustn't think you are at fault no matter what he says.

Original poster
iwasagirlinavillage · 29/03/2017 17:16

The pain is still so strong. I genuinely don't know how I will ever get over this.

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Sunshineandlaughter · 29/03/2017 17:37

Médiation (sorry!) yes a good idea!

nigelforgotthepassword · 29/03/2017 18:09

I didn't think I would get over my situation either op. And truth be told I still struggle some days, a year on. But the good days are about equal to the bad now-I'm going in the right direction.And you will too.Really you will.

Original poster
iwasagirlinavillage · 29/03/2017 19:11

I think I've found who the OW is.

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Original poster
iwasagirlinavillage · 29/03/2017 19:18

If it is her then she doesn't even live in the same country. But she was been here for 4 consecutive weekends and she was at that same event that he organised at the end of January.

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Sunshineandlaughter · 29/03/2017 19:18

? How/who is she? Can you contact her?
I'd send her a few choice photos of your beautiful girls and tell her about your long good relationship with him and your recent struggles with sickness and young children/babies!!!

Sunshineandlaughter · 29/03/2017 19:20

Sounds about right - someone who lives far away and wouldn't actually have any real intimacy/real life with!!

Why do you think it's her?

Original poster
iwasagirlinavillage · 29/03/2017 19:24

He posted some photos today on his work Facebook and on the only photo of him a woman "loved" it. So I looked on her profile and the only bit of information that I have about her - that she does this sport - is true. She also travelled from where she lives to where we live for 4 weeks running, although this would have been for the sport, it places her here when he said he had seen her. She was also at the event he organised in January, after which he came back and started asking for nights out, said he felt trapped etc etc

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Sunshineandlaughter · 29/03/2017 19:27

Sounds about right!

OverlyYappy · 29/03/2017 19:44

I've been through the same betrayal, almost ex husband fell for someone else, I thought I would never get through it but 6 years on I'm happily single and wonder why I was so upset.

It gets easier in time, I promise

Original poster
iwasagirlinavillage · 29/03/2017 20:13

She looks like an older, chubbier version of me.

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Original poster
iwasagirlinavillage · 29/03/2017 20:20

DD1 broke my heart at bedtime. She said "I want my Daddy", so I said "Daddy doesn't live here anymore" so she asked why and I said "because Daddy doesn't love Mummy anymore" and she said "I want Daddy to come here and love me and DD2", so I said "I know" and she said "why doesn't Daddy come here and love me and DD2?" All I could say was "I don't know, but Daddy loves you very much".

I sat next to her bed and cried.

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Original poster
iwasagirlinavillage · 29/03/2017 22:12

It is tempting to contact the OW. But I'm trying hard to be the bigger person. A friend suggested I could log in to his private Facebook account (he has a work one as well) and add her as a friend so she will see all the family photos he's got on there. But I should remain dignified! I need to keep telling myself that!

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Peaches77 · 29/03/2017 22:46

Why does he have a work Facebook?

Original poster
iwasagirlinavillage · 29/03/2017 22:53

He deals with social media for his job so he had to have a profile he could use but didn't want to use his personal one as then work related people would send him messages out of hours to his personal account. His work are pretty shit and he's expected to use his personal mobile for work calls. I'm friends with both accounts so I don't see it as being for any underhand reason.

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Original poster
iwasagirlinavillage · 30/03/2017 07:53

I've heard back from the solicitor with the fee for an interview and initial letters which I'm fine with, but it then makes reference to a "standard consent order" which has a night higher fee, but doesn't elaborate on what that is. Can anyone shed any light? I am completely clueless, none of my friends or family have been through this before. For now all I want to do is get some advice about contact for the children and finances. I have no idea what is a standard or typical request for his contribution. In my mind I've got that he's responsible do half of 2/3 of the house running costs (as he is half responsible for 2 of the 3 people living here). But then I don't know where I stand in terms of I reduced my work hours when we had children and therefore compromised my earning potential. I don't want to screw him over but I don't want to screw myself and the girls over either. I don't want him left with nothing but I don't want for us to be left struggling while he has a life of fun and luxury.

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