I don't know how to get to tomorrow

[iwasagirlinavillage]

I have a thread in relationships about my marriage collapsing. As a result I can feel myself succumbing to depression and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I already take ADs and I had CBT which ended just before the separation. I just can't do this. Even breathing feels like an almighty difficult task. I have two children so I know I just have to keep going but if it was just me I'm quite certain I would have given up by now. I feel like I've completely slowed down physically, like I'm starting to shut down. But shutting down would be a welcome relief. Although then I think of my DDs and know that I can't do that and a wave of exhaustion hits me again and I feel the weight of it all afresh. I can't do this.

I feel like I'm dying. This is such an awful feeling.

You aren't alone op. X

How are you doing almighty?

I don't understand how he has gone four days without even asking about them. I just can't comprehend it as a parent. Even my parents ask how they are every day and make sure they see them a couple of times a week. I just can't get my head around how someone can go from being such a loving and devoted father to being completely absent. I know lots will say that all he can think about is the OW, and maybe that's it, but he's never been so blinkered before. I questioned him a couple of weeks ago about how he could not ask about them every day, I said do you not wake up and think about them and he said that he did but he didn't want to talk to me at that time because I was so angry with him, so he didn't want to make contact, but despite that we were in text contact every day about one thing or another. And my answer to that was that no matter how he treated me, no matter what I thought of him, if my children were with him nothing would stop me from asking about them. He even could have asked via his mum or sister if he didn't want to speak to me directly. But now, since I told him I would be seeing a solicitor, he hasn't asked about them once. For all he knows they could be seriously ill, obviously I would tell him if one of them was, but does he know that? Or does he just not care? It's this behaviour that makes me think he has had/is having some kind of breakdown which is making him have no emotion, or not respond appropriately to emotion. If it was just that he didn't want to be with me, he could have left but he still would have cared about his children. Even in the midst of all the arguments, about 6/7 weeks ago, we had a huge argument and he stormed out and went to stay with a friend (he actually did, I saw where he was on Find my iPhone) but the next morning before going to work he came home to see the girls before he left. It just doesn't make sense how he is now. Not that any of it is okay. But if he is having some kind of breakdown and it's making him neglect his children, then there is the potential for him getting over it.

Ironically he's just sent me a text saying if it's not too late can he FaceTime DD1. I don't know what to respond. She'll be going in the bath and to bed soon. I don't want her getting all hyped up. I don't even want to respond to him. It's actually made me angry that he's in touch. Because now I have to deal with him.

And it also makes me think obviously he was with her yesterday which is why he wouldn't have offered then.

I'm not too good been to the gp today.

It's so annoying how they think they can just come and go isn't it! It sounds to me like he doesn't know what he wants. I'd tell him he should have asked earlier and it's too late now

What did the GP say?

You and I have both experienced similar things and we both agree he's had a breakdown. You seem to still doubt yourself -please don't- it'll torture you. His behaviour lately has nothing to do with you, or really the ow, it's about him and he buckled under stress and but unfortunately did it hurting you and the way his dad did to him.
You just have to keep trying to keep it together short term and on a day to day basis and then the longer term things will gradually become clearer and fall into place,
It depends on how much you can take but there's nothing wrong with telling him she's gone to bed but she's love yo see him - will he look after her x or y nights - you need some help with them. Just keep asking him to see them even tho you don't want to and of course shouldn't have to.

I've just realised - he claims that he slept with her because I'd indicated I was seeing someone, I'm not but I didn't flat out deny it when he asked, I just told him I don't have to answer that. I told him that I had been asked on a date though and now that I know what he's doing I won't be declining. (I have been asked, but I haven't accepted, I probably won't). But obviously he's pissed off at the thought of me seeing someone else, even though he is, so maybe that's partly why he's not getting in touch to arrange to see them - if he gives me notice for "nights off" then that gives me the opportunity to go out with someone else. It's stupid though because if I wanted to I could get someone else to babysit.

Yes that could be a large factor in it - hes not wanting to give you time off to go and meet someone and obs doesn't want to see girls with you there. He's clearly having a breakdown if he thinks that you would honestly have met someone and be together enough to be having a relationship with them already
In all seriousness this is easily solved/tested isn't it - say you want to go to your parents for some sleep to him and tell him he can ring you there if he needs to update you on girls via your parents (rather than your mob) or say you want to go out with x female friend.

And yes everything you said earlier today sounds right - he looked as though he was coping, holding it together when you weren't but all he was doing was storing it up so he could collapse in his own way.

I text him after I got both DDs to sleep saying that just before bedtime isn't suitable and I need more notice. Unsurprisingly I haven't had a response.

It's really crap that I miss him. I don't miss the person he is now, but I miss the life we had. I miss the little things. It all just went so abruptly that I feel like I didn't value any of it enough. I know it's not my fault, none of it is, but I look back and think I took him for granted and perhaps if I had stepped out of myself and my own depression I would have seen his unhappiness before he did and I could have stopped him from looking externally for a solution. It's so easy to wonder "what jf?"

I think the thing that I find hardest is that he was the person I told everything to. If I had a concern or a worry he's the one I would go to first. And instinctively I want to tell him about this really shitty, awful thing that's happening to me and the girls. But then I remember that he's the one causing it.

Hi girl

I just wanted to say how incredibly strong I think you are, dealing with everything that has happened to you and your girls over the last weeks.

I have also had some problems with my mental health since the birth of my son and the onset of PND. I understand waking up and being hit with dread knowing that you have to face another day. I used to sit on the side of the bed holding back tears and feeling foolish because I couldn't understand why I was struggling so much, when other mothers were breezing around.

I haven't fully recovered and I still get days when my thoughts get trapped in a negative cycle of 'I can't do this anymore' of course we have to, there's nothing like our children to keep us going!

Anyway sorry to break in on your thread lol it's just a lot of what you have been saying resonated deeply with me. I have found it so hard at times to keep going, keep smiling and trying to control the maelstrom of emotions inside me, depression is such a monster!

Thank you for all of the supportive messages and I'm sorry there are so many of you experiencing similar. DD2 had an awful night last night, she was up from 2.30 until 4.45 and up again at 5.30, as was DD1. I brought DD1 in to my bed for a while but neither of them went back to sleep. I just let her watch nursery rhymes on my phone. DD1 is at nursery today so hopefully I can get a bit of a sleep with DD2. It never quite works out like that though.

Last night I had a dream about him and OW. In the dream he was acting as though he had done nothing wrong, was completely angry with me and he had introduced her to his family after a matter of weeks.

Just took DD1 to nursery. She cried again and sobbed that she wanted Daddy. I hate him. How can he do this to her?

I need to discuss finances with him as I need to think about going back to work and possibly claiming benefits but I can't do that if he's technically still living there. All the bills are in his name. The mortgage is in both our names. But I can't bear to speak to him. I don't feel strong enough for it yet.

poor dd - wish he could see the effect on her.
Hope you can get some respite if not rest today.
How is dd2?
Maybe email him re money etc? Just with the essentials that you need to deal with now...

DD2 isn't great. I'm sure it's probably just a bad cold and I know I'm paranoid about their health. But she's so congested and her chest sounds really crackly. She keeps pausing breathing when she's sleeping, not full apneic episodes. She's feeding okay though. I'm keeping a close eye on her. It's always difficult because if DD1 was like this I know her oxygen saturation would probably be too low by now and she'd need to be admitted, but DD2 doesn't have the same breathing problems as DD1 so she can put up with more symptoms without needing help. I have to remind myself of that sometimes.

I'm very, very down today. I'm still functioning but I miss him and I've realised that I do still love him. I hate him but I love him too. I feel like I'm drowning.

Oh OP I don't have anything magical and wonderful to say that might help. But sending you such (((((big hugs)))))
One task at a time, one breath at a time, one footstep forward at a time - be patient this is a difficult time, were you'll have good moments and tough moments..go with the flow of it and be kind to yourself. As sure as the sun comes up and goes down each day...you will get through this

Can you think of anything you could do which would make you feel better?

Sleep. I need to sleep. I just had about an hour on the sofa while DD2 slept and I feel a bit better but I need a lot more than that. I'm consistently getting about 4 hours sleep a night and then I'm constantly on the go during the day. I think the fact that there are no arrangements in place for him to have them is also making me feel more tired because I have nothing to work towards. My Mum and Dad are exhausted enough, I can't ask them to take them overnight, they do get up with DD1 at the weekend during the night and in the morning but I'm still having to get up with DD2. I really don't want to have to ask him or tell him to take his own children, it would mean contacting him which I don't want to do, making myself appear vulnerable which I don't want to do, he could see it that he's doing be a favour which I really don't want and ultimately, I shouldn't have to tell him to be a Dad!

Do you think mediation would be at all beneficial in my situation to try to work out the practical stuff?