I don't know how to get to tomorrow

[iwasagirlinavillage]

I have a thread in relationships about my marriage collapsing. As a result I can feel myself succumbing to depression and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I already take ADs and I had CBT which ended just before the separation. I just can't do this. Even breathing feels like an almighty difficult task. I have two children so I know I just have to keep going but if it was just me I'm quite certain I would have given up by now. I feel like I've completely slowed down physically, like I'm starting to shut down. But shutting down would be a welcome relief. Although then I think of my DDs and know that I can't do that and a wave of exhaustion hits me again and I feel the weight of it all afresh. I can't do this.

Are you ready to start applying for all this now? Does he know you are?
If you are struggling it can wait a while - but if it'll make you feel better obviously do it.
I know you are rightfully angry with him but it would be better if he would agree to talk with you to come to an interim arrangement and start to discuss everything rather than just do through solicitors. you've still not really talked to him since he's admitted ow right?
Maybe tell him - I'm instructing a sol - can we meet to discuss contact with the girls and money before I start going through the sol?

Sorry I can't help on the legal side. hopefully someone who has experience or knowledge will come along. I would be focusing on what money and what arrangements for the girls do you want for the next 1-3 months.

I would rather do it directly with him. And you're right, we haven't had a conversation, just the two of us, since I first found out about her back in February. But I don't know where I stand from a financial position. I don't want to ask too much or too little and down the line, surely that could influence a longer term arrangement?

Consent order is where you both agree to submit your agreement to court I think....you are a bit away from they yet. They will explain it all when you see them, don't worry.

You are entitled to a free half hour with a solicitor so maybe try that first and get some initial advice to get the ball rolling. Tell him you have an appointment and he may discuss things then rather than pay for mediation x

The starting point for finances is 50/50 split of any assets.
The non resident parent (him) pays child maintenance to the resident parent (you). If he is a high earner this figure is to be worked out between you or via solicitor. To get an idea you can google the child maintenance calculator and enter your earning figures and it will give you a rough idea of the minimum he might have to pay-but it's not capped at that.Thats where argument start to happen unfortunately-but it might give you something to base your thoughts on?

I had a look at CSA before and the figure was appalling. It seems to completely prioritise his financial needs over his children's. I know this must be the case for everyone but I don't understand how that's considered fair. The amount that it said wouldn't even cover DD1's nursery fees and that's after her free hours. So no contribution for DD2's childcare, or the food they eat, roof over their head, clothes, heating, water. It's ridiculous.

Now I'm stressing about money. Not only has he left me completely responsible for our children and the day to day running of the house and their lives, he's also left me financially much worse off. And he gets to bugger off without a care in the world - only £280 lighter a month and no responsibilities. How is that okay? How am I supposed to live with the fact that I chose someone who can do that as the father of my children? I really hate myself for choosing him.

I feel like I'm about to crash and become completely unable to function.

I called him and left him a voicemail telling him that his daughter needs him, that she's not coping, she's really sad and she wants him and please could he get in touch. I'm in floods of tears. I can't do this anymore. I'm going to phone the GP.

Don't stress about money - it's the last thing you need to worry about ATM.
Start with working out what you would need - mortgage, bills, food, clothing, nursery etc and ask for that don't worry about whether it seems fair or not it's a starting point.
Hope the GP was helpful?

I hope you're okay, Hun?

If you eventually go back to work (after mat leave) 16 hours per week you'll be entitled to WTC as well as CTC. Have you already informed the council to say he moved out? Perhaps give a backdate to see if you can have a little relief from the 25% discount. The interest on the mortgage can sometimes be covered via housing benefit too but not often. By the time it's all added up, along with his £280 (and he may offer more voluntary?) you may not be as financially crippled as you fear. I have a friend whose H left her and although they're now back on track and considering moving back together she was pleasantly surprised that she was financially better off with him gone!! Crazy eh? But he pays half the mortgage still and so offers something like £400 per month instead of the £250 The CSA worked out. That's so that both continue with their share on the house etc..

How are you feeling??
Do you feel better or worse for identifying the OW?
Has he replied to your voicemail?

I'm feeling shattered. I'm so tired that my vision has gone a bit blurry. I couldn't get an appointment with the GP. I'm going to try and go on Monday - just turn up on the day. Me and the girls are going to stay at my parents for a few days as my Mum is worried about me and they're going to do what they can to help with the girls so I can get some more sleep.

He did call back. I was in tears for the whole phone call, I know that would be against all advice on here but I don't really care. He asked if I'm okay but I told him it's not about me, it's about DD1. I told him about what she said last night and he seemed affected. He said when he asked to FaceTime the other night he knew it wasn't a suitable time but he missed her and wanted to see her. He said he hasn't known how to approach me since the conversation on Friday and he also said he's not been able to get away from work and he's apparently only had one day off in the past two weeks. It's still not good enough to me as, if we were together he would insist that he couldn't work 3 consecutive weekends. We're going to meet on Monday to talk and make arrangements for him to see the girls. He said he could see about having Tuesday off and have them overnight on Monday and all day Tuesday but we have plans already. I suggested Friday instead, he's going to check with work and let me know. He said that he saw photos on Facebook of us all at the weekend and we all looked happy and he hated that he wasn't with us. I did tell him that I'm completely exhausted and that I feel like I'm letting the girls down. He said that he's the one letting them down and something about being a crap dad. I said, you are being a crap dad now but he wasn't before.

I got off the phone and cried and cried. After the call and the crying I do feel a bit better but still exhausted. We're on our way to my parents' house now. They're going to look after the girls for a bit so I can hopefully have a long soak in the bath. My mum is also going to try giving DD2 a bottle over the next few days.

That's a huge development on every front. I don't think it's a bad thing that you cried on the phone to him. I think it only demonstrates the amount of destruction he's caused you. It sounds as though he is/was feeling guilty but he chose to be a coward and avoid you which is a shame.

I'm glad he's finally agreed to a time to talk and that your parents are going to give you a little respite- you deserve that.

Enjoy your long soak in the bath. And some unbroken sleep. 💐

Really not feeling very physically well. I've got double vision, a headache and feel light-headed. I feel like everything has slowed down and weirdly disconnected, like my arms feel numb. I know I'm functioning normally but it's like I'm doing things without an awareness that I am - I folded a towel but didn't remember doing it. Every time I blink I feel like I momentarily fall asleep.

I didn't get to have a bath as the traffic was bad so we got here late and we had to do the DDs dinner pretty much straight away. Now I've got to go through the 2 hour bedtime. My Mum would more than happily help but DD1 won't let anyone else get her to bed. Then I'll have my dinner and then it will be about 9.00/9.30 and then I'll probably go straight to bed.

Get to bed - that's exactly how I felt when I was exhausted - disconnected from reality and blurred vision and totally out of it. Let your parents look after the girls tonight and try to just feed dd2 once or twice in night only if you have to - I know you are worried about your parents but you can't go on like this and they have the capacity tonight and you don't. Sleep well!!

And your parents will feel better if they can help you so let them!

An hour and a half in to bedtime and neither child is asleep. The perfect end to the perfect day.

I completely understand why you phoned him. It's totally unfair that you are left not only with your own devastation but also responsible for helping your children through it. He needs to know that your daughter is hurting. Whatever is going on between him and you he needs to be there for them. It's cowardly (or convenient) to check out following last Friday's revelations and he needs to buck his ideas right up.

Hopefully, next Monday you'll be able to talk properly and move forward a little.

Hello, I'm sorry you are feeling poorly and hope you get some rest with your family this weekend.
Glad to that you have spoken to him on phone and that you have plans to talk about how to move forward for DDs and you. Your health and wellbeing is so essential to your little ones and he needs to realise his part in supporting you.
You are such a loyal and loving lady and I wish there is more I could to help you.

It managed to get some sleep. Woke up to feed DD2 a few times but she slept until almost 7 so I got a bit of extra sleep. And DD1 was a nightmare going to sleep last night so she slept til almost 7 as well. Still tired though.

I'm annoyed at myself because after yesterday's phone call where he sounded genuine and sincere about missing us and wanting to see the girls and the plan to see me on Monday, it gave me a glimmer of hope that we could start to communicate reasonably but he said at the end of the call that he would let me know later about plans for having the girls next week, request annual leave etc. I took later to mean later the same day but I didn't hear anything so I sent a text saying "Any update about next week?" and I've had no response. I feel like he's messing me around again and I've given him the power to do it so I'm annoyed at myself. It could just be that he hasn't had a response to his request so there is no update, but I wish he would just respond to me. How hard is it?

I think you were right to speak to him yesterday and remind him of his responsibilities. It seems he is unable to remind himself. And what about his family? If that was my son I'd be gang him a swift kick up the bum. And if he didn't listen to me I'd certainly be contacting his wife to see if there was anything I could do to help.

He said some of the right things yesterday which gave you hope he would start behaving responsibly and show some consideration to you and his children. You probably feel like you've been let down all over again.

Because surely if you were up until now a decent, caring father - even though you're currently being a shitbag who's had an affair and sodded off - and were told that your daughter was crying for you, not sleeping, upset going into nursery because of your behaviour then you'd get round to see her immediately?! Not next week! If your wife was on her knees carrying the load because of your choices then you'd step up and help? Work is important but he doesn't work 24 hours a day. He is just being plain useless.

And this is the guy who never wanted to be like his cheating father!

I also think it's good that you spoke to him yesterday-and that you are planning to speak properly on Monday.
Hope you got some sleep op

My Mum has just run me a bath so I'm currently having a soak while she looks after the girls.

I still haven't had a response about next week. I've sent a follow up message saying how difficult the girls have been today and that my parents have had to step in as the exhaustion is making me physically ill. I pointed out I'm not asking him for help, I'm telling him he needs to be a parent. I told him this is 50% his responsibility, that his children need him and they need me to be well. I haven't yet had a response.

I don't understand how someone can be so detached from their own children. My brain just can't comprehend it. I do think that, as much as I hate to say it, it was the responsibility for the children that he didn't want anymore, not me but obviously you don't get one without the other so to him, cheat on one and you get out of the other. But that's not how it works. At least it's not how it should work. I can't believe his family are quite happily letting him get on with having hardly any contact with his children. If one of my daughters ever did this to their children I would be absolutely disgusted and they would know about it. I would scream and shout and do everything within my control to try to make them see sense. If they didn't, I would be knocking on the door of their ex-partner offering any practical, emotional or financial help that I could for my grandchildren. All I've had from his family is "you know where we are if you need us" and no recent enquiries about the girls. Maybe they're all devoid of emotion and love.