Please help, I'm a total mess after counselling

[CuppaCiggieBiccieBliss]

My second counselling session was this morning and it has totally floored me. I am shaking like mad, can't think straight and have spent the last hour vomiting.
I hate talking about what happened, actually that's a lie, I CAN'T talk about it. I hate dragging it all to the front of my mind and ending up like this. Does it get any easier? I don't think I can do this anymore. I want to curl up in a ball and never wake up.

You're right, today was frustrating and really difficult for you. I'm really pleased that you are feeling strong enough to ask for help.

AuntAda is spot on with her posts.

You could consider calling your GP today, rather than waiting until the morning. Do it with AuntAda's post in front of you as a guide to what to say if it helps.

GPs should still be there, or you could look up your local mental health team on the NHS website, they may have a number you can call as well.

I had the two sessions of counselling and I remember coming away from my second one feeling totally shell shocked. Like someone had hit me across the head. I am going back soon but I admit, I am nervous about how strongly it's going to effect me in the beginning. I do think that you have to get worse before you can get better. It's lifting a lid, facing the feelings you have blocked away for so long. But then they can be dealt with and not stay slowly eating away at you.

You really need other support than just counselling, what happened to you sounds absolutely horrific. I agree with going back to the GP and seeing what further support they can provide. Also keep posting on here. I know what it feels like to feel you have nowhere to turn to get away from your thoughts, use here to talk it out when you need too.

Thankyou all again x I'm just not feeling upto it at the minute, yep here we go again. I am just going to try and get through tonight and sort something out first thing. Lord knows what the hell I did to deserve this. If it wasn't bad enough that they stole two years of my life, I'm still a mess 6 years later

Perhaps write down what you want to say to the doctor, so that you're reading it rather than having to think it?

I think the others are right - you may be coming across as functioning quite well when inside you're desperate. Are you used to having to downplay your feelings?

Not so much down playing them, more hiding them. We never told anyone what was happening so I suppose that's when I learnt to fake it. I was 16 when it started so I've done it all my adult life. God I feel such an idiot.

That's just it cuppa. Just now what happened is affecting your life still. But counselling will put a stop to that.

I relate to the hiding feels except I can only go so far and then kind of explode, have a melt down and start hiding again...one not much fun cycle. I hide mine because after I finally told someone it was all brushed under the carpet and I learned a child that no one really cared so just keep stuff inside.

Counselling will help with that too. Also maybe some CBT.

Cuppa, you're confronting your pain, and that's such a brave thing to do.

Therapy was described to me as like ripping the plaster off a wound so it can heal-necessary, but painful. Sometimes you do need anti-depressants to take the edge off, to help you manage that 'exposing' aspect of therapy and get the most out of it, but I also think you need quite intensive help for the 2-4 weeks you first start taking the medication.
So I second going back to the GP. Do press for a plan for the next few weeks that gives you ongoing support.

Cuppa you are definitely not an idiot. You have made the first steps towards recovery and I'll bet that in the very near future you will be a different person and all this will be over. I can't imagine what you went through, but it's something that other people did to you, you cannot blame yourself for it. You were a victim.

Thankyou all again x I am back to torturing myself with questions. God this is hard

Have you got anyone in RL to call?

Not really

Well you've got me, I'm here.

Trouble is I'm not a doctor or a psychologist, and know very little about mental health other than various experiences in the family etc.

Try not to torture yourself my dear. It is ok to take a time out from it all and just not think about it-give yourself permission to do that.
Also, would your counsellor do a quick telephone consult, do you think, just to help you manage what you are feeling? Worth asking.

Thankyou Achillea, that's very kind of you. I just need some rest from it all. Dd is quite happy eating her tea so I've got some time for a coffee and try to calm down a bit.

Sorry Eldritch, I missed your post. I try not to torture myself but it's so hard. Why didn't I explain it better to the gp, why didn't I stop them, why didn't I tell someone, why didn't I run away sooner, over and over again.

Sorry Eldritch, I missed your post. I try not to torture myself but it's so hard. Why didn't I explain it better to the gp, why didn't I stop them, why didn't I tell someone, why didn't I run away sooner, over and over again.

Cuppa none of this is your fault, NONE OF IT.

You did really well today at the doctors, you did say how you were feeling- you really shouldn't have to spell it out because she should have gently questioned you in order to get more detail.

Try not to blame yourself, I know that it can be a really hard thing to do but believe me nothing is your fault.

It's driving me mad. Dd is in bed and as predicted I am back to square one. If I don't do it the stress will kill me.

It's driving me mad. Dd is in bed and as predicted I am back to square one. If I don't do it the stress will kill me.

Does anyone here know anything about PTSD? Or been through it?

Cuppa you are blaming yourself. Why? When other people hurt you? Are you feeling any anger? I am getting angry on your behalf, if that helps.

I do blame myself for a lot of it really. Why didn't we scream? The neighbours would have heard. I know we had our reasons at the time but now I am so annoyed. I could have ran sooner, why on earth did I stay? Why didn't he help me? I was 16, why was I on my own. If that was my dd I would be devastated that she didn't come to me.

Why didn't you scream? You couldn't. No 16 year old could. They knew you couldn't and that's how they got away with it. They would never have done it knowing that you would be able to scream or ask for help. They knew the risks were very low, they did it because they could get away with it. That's how despicable they are. Some people are like that, very few of them mind, but you are not, and most people are not and therefore you don't expect or understand that kind of destructive and controlling behaviour.

I know you are right, I just can't seem to argue that point with myself iyswim. He could have done something, he could have helped me. Well no that's unfair but it was his damn fault we were in the situation. When I ended up in hospital, why didn't they see that something wasn't right. Again, that's unfair, I can't blame them but surely they could see that it wasn't normal. And now I try to get help and can't even do that right.
Oh dear that turned into a rant, I didn't realise I was that angry tbh.

Hi, I've had a quick scan so might be repeating things.

You sound like me a few years ago when I just had to get through the next half hour by not topping myself. Napac/rape crisis/havoca/pandoras are all online child sex abuse survivor sites with lots of helpful information for flashbacks can trigger though

Do speak to the gp, I had betablockers for the anxiety which helped me get to the shops etc and the odd run of ad's for a bout of sleep as I wouldn't sleep because of the nightmares.