Please help, I'm a total mess after counselling

[CuppaCiggieBiccieBliss]

My second counselling session was this morning and it has totally floored me. I am shaking like mad, can't think straight and have spent the last hour vomiting.
I hate talking about what happened, actually that's a lie, I CAN'T talk about it. I hate dragging it all to the front of my mind and ending up like this. Does it get any easier? I don't think I can do this anymore. I want to curl up in a ball and never wake up.

I mean what if they haven't got appointments then...

If you want to wait until monday Cuppa, then keeping busy sounds like a good strategy. Writing a list helps me to keep busy, sometimes I even make myself a little timetable .

It sounds like sleep is a problem for you, well done for getting two hours. Sleep deprivation will be making all this even harder for you to cope with.

Don't forget that if you feel that you can't cope, there will be some crisis type help available, most probably via A&E. I spoke to my friend earlier, and asked him how he knew where to go for emergency help, he found out via NHS direct what the provision was in his area. If you want to find out more about how to get crisis help then if you are comfortable telling us which county you are in someone may be able to find out for you (I am happy to do some internet research, or make a few calls for you).

Alternatively, you could PM me or someone else, or name change and start a new post asking information for your county.

I know what you mean Achillea, I'm just not sure I have the energy to fight any more. I am so utterly exhausted, even making the phone call this morning knocked me and I only wanted a telephone appointment.

Wantto that's very kind of you. I think if things do get worse (I'm not even sure if that's possible) I will phone OOH or NHS direct.
Today really is the worst day as I do (sort of) trust myself not to do anything when dd is here with me but when she's away I struggle.
Now someone please tell me to get my arse into gear and tackle mount everest aka the ironing pile.

I know what you mean Achillea, I'm just not sure I have the energy to fight any more. I am so utterly exhausted, even making the phone call this morning knocked me and I only wanted a telephone appointment.

Wantto that's very kind of you. I think if things do get worse (I'm not even sure if that's possible) I will phone OOH or NHS direct.
Today really is the worst day as I do (sort of) trust myself not to do anything when dd is here with me but when she's away I struggle.
Now someone please tell me to get my arse into gear and tackle mount everest aka the ironing pile.

Cuppa, get your arse in gear and do t'ironing

You need to distract yourself, do a job, sit down have a think of next job, do some exercise even if it's dancing stoopidly to a daft song sit down have a solitaire is quite good for distraction.

Sleep is good so even if you have half and hour here and there you'll be getting some.

OK Cuppa, I'll let you go and do your ironing as long as you promise to call emergency services if things get really bad.

Oh cuppa. I'm so sorry you have been through that.

You do need to get it out but it needs to be done safely. I had therapy for childhood abuse, and my wonderful psychologist described it as a box. All the scary horrible things were repressed (I didn't tell anyone until my teens) and stuffed into a box in my brain because that was the only way I could cope.

Good therapy respects that box. You don't tip it all out at once. You take out a tiny bit at a time and you work through it - now the crucial bit: you do not take anything else out until you've dealt with the first bit - does that make sense? A decent therapist knows how to do that. It takes a long time but it is safer than confronting everything at once with no support in between sessions.

Well the ironing board is out, it's a work in progress.
Achillea I promise I will
Fuzzpig, that makes perfect sense. I think that's the main problem, she wanted to know exactly what happened then off you go see you in a fortnight.

Well the ironing board is out, it's a work in progress.
Achillea I promise I will
Fuzzpig, that makes perfect sense. I think that's the main problem, she wanted to know exactly what happened then off you go see you in a fortnight.

How are you doing Cuppa?

Oh, see that is really quite unprofessional. I think all my psychologist knew was "I was sexually abused by my uncle" - it was a long time before I actually described what happened in detail. Many sessions were actually spent talking about my family etc, but again, only one issue at a time.

Not great Cailin, thankyou for asking.
Fuzzpig, tbh I don't really want to go back. She didn't ask specific details, just how many times, when, where that sort of stuff.
I hate hate hate being without dd

I've been where you are Cuppa, it's awful. It will get better. I know it doesn't seem at all like that now, but it will. Taking the first step to talking about it is really really really hard. It takes time and a lot of effort to get through it and sometimes it just seems neverending, like things will never get better. Strangely enough, that feeling of things being awful and horrible is actually a good thing IMO because it means you're well and truly bringing things to the surface and actually dealing with it once and for all. I would be more concerned if you had left the session feeling nothing had happened.

When is your dd back?

Thankyou Cailin, you are right, it does seem never ending. Dd is back tomorrow morning. I can just about manage at the moment, quite worried about tonight though.

Thankyou Cailin, you are right, it does seem never ending. Dd is back tomorrow morning. I can just about manage at the moment, quite worried about tonight though.

What specifically are you worried about?

I'm not sure really. I suppose I just trust myself not to do anything daft when dd is here.
I keep telling myself that it's only one night but it seems a life time at 2am when sleep is just not an option.

Cuppa, if you don't feel safe with the counsellor you have been seeing then you should be able to see a different one.
It does sound like she's pushing you too hard and fast - as fuzzpig says, you should only be dealing with things as and when you are ready, and bit by bit. Although sometimes the box in your head can be a bit like Pandora's box - once the lid is off, everything escapes at once and can leave you in a bit of a flat tailspin.

I'm going to PM you as well. Hope it helps.

When you say "anything daft" what do you mean?

Open the medicine cupbaord

If you do feel like doing that, would you consider ringing the Samaritans? When I was feeling my worst I was really reluctant to ring them but in the end if I ever felt like doing anything I just picked up the phone instead, they were my safety net. I mostly just waffled on and they just listened, it got me through those really dark moments.

Remember, Cuppa - your little girl is still there with you in heart and mind. She will want you to be safe. Keep that thought with you. If you have a photo of her available, tape it to the medicine cabinet door.

And yes, phone the Samaritans if you need to - you don't need to explain why you're feeling so awful, just tell them that you are and need someone to just be there.

Do you have any friends who could maybe come over and be with you for a bit?

I'm ok at the moment, it's night time when it really kicks in. I have the samaritans number, I'm not very keen on phoning them but I will if it gets too bad.
That's a good idea about the photo, I'll do that now. Thankyou. Only one of my friends knows how bad I am and she's working tonight.
I'm sure I'll be ok x

Well keep posting whenever you need to. I'm off to bed now but will doubtless be back in about 8h or so, just when it's getting late at night for you - til then, plenty of other posters to keep you company. Take care xx

I know the idea of phoning the Samaritans can seem daunting but they really can be a massive help. You don't have to say much or anything at all really, they are just there to get you through that really bad point when you can't see any hope. You don't need to tell them what's wrong (though you can if you want to) and just having another person there at the end of the phone can be so comforting.