Please help, I'm a total mess after counselling

[CuppaCiggieBiccieBliss]

My second counselling session was this morning and it has totally floored me. I am shaking like mad, can't think straight and have spent the last hour vomiting.
I hate talking about what happened, actually that's a lie, I CAN'T talk about it. I hate dragging it all to the front of my mind and ending up like this. Does it get any easier? I don't think I can do this anymore. I want to curl up in a ball and never wake up.

Oh thats a shame.

What will you be doing whilst she is at nursery? Do you have any close friends that will be available to help you take your mind off things?

Yes we meet up once a week for a coffee and a whinge about the kids
The other mornings will no doubt be cleaning manically and watching the clock until it's time to pick her up.

What do you enjoy doing ciggie? can you get caught up in a book or tv series?

Hi Cuppa, is there anything at all that helps to take your mind off things?

Do you think you might have to face what happened when you are ready in order to feel better? I can't imagine how hard that might be, but I wonder if once you have looked this thing straight in the eye you might start to feel better? I hope that me saying this doesn't upset you as I know you don't feel able to think about it yet.

I have bit of personal experience of awful thoughts stopping me doing things. I haven't been through anything as upsetting as you, but as a teen I found one of my parents collapsed in the bathroom. I couldn't open the door as they were slumped against it, and I couldn't rouse them. I thought they were dead, and called an ambulance. Thank goodness they were alive and made a full recovery. The fear I felt that night grew and grew within me and I couldn't share it with anyone as the reason they collapsed was alcholism and I was ashamed.

In particular I was petrified of doing anything that allowed my mind to wander because I was so afraid that i would start thinking about what happened, I could never take public transport for instance. It began to affect every part of my life. I saw a therapist for six months before I was able to even tell her what was truly bothering me. Three sessions later I finally tole her about everything and for me that was the beginning of feeling better.

I do understand that what happened to me does not compare to your trauma but I wanted to tell you that the effort of not thinking about even this small thing took over my life.

I used to love reading, but now any time I try to concentrate on anything, the flashbacks start. I'm not a big tv fan (unless it cbeebies of course) as that really sets me off. It's just simple things like going for a walk that I wish I could do. Even going to the supermarket has to be planned, I will only go a certain times when it's not too busy, if I get there and it is busy, I come home empty handed.

I used to love reading, but now any time I try to concentrate on anything, the flashbacks start. I'm not a big tv fan (unless it cbeebies of course) as that really sets me off. It's just simple things like going for a walk that I wish I could do. Even going to the supermarket has to be planned, I will only go a certain times when it's not too busy, if I get there and it is busy, I come home empty handed.

Wantto, that must have been terrifying, I am so sorry x
I know you are right about facing it head on but for me that is impossible. God I sound so defeatist. It went on for so long and happened so many times that I wouldn't even know where to start. There are some details thst I don't remember but will come back to me in nightmares so it is like reliving it over and over again. I suppose what I'm trying to say is I'm scared to let myself think about it as I'm terrified of what I'll do and at the moment I don't trust myself at all.

Wantto, that must have been terrifying, I am so sorry x
I know you are right about facing it head on but for me that is impossible. God I sound so defeatist. It went on for so long and happened so many times that I wouldn't even know where to start. There are some details thst I don't remember but will come back to me in nightmares so it is like reliving it over and over again. I suppose what I'm trying to say is I'm scared to let myself think about it as I'm terrified of what I'll do and at the moment I don't trust myself at all.

Sorry about the double posting, only seems to happen when I use the blackberry.

Sorry about the double posting, only seems to happen when I use the blackberry.

Hi. I dont have any experience of what you are going through but just wanted to add my support. You are so brave. You survived. You are still here. You have even through hell and you are still here. And facing it all head on. Be proud of yourself for that.

They took your past and destroyed it. Dont let them take your future. Don't let them take your DD's future with her fab mummy.

Please don't worry about DD watching tv and being in her pjs. My 11 year old DS spends most of his time in his pjs at the moment! Saves on washing so I don't complain! Once you are there with her, lovingnher and interacting with her when she needs you to, she will be fine.

Keep on with the counselling. You need to get it all out and not let it fester. It won't be easy but you will get there. Don't expect miracles and don't expect too much from yourself while you are going through it. Be gentle on yourself. Treat yourself as if you were convalescing after a long illness. Lots of rest. Lots of little treats.

Going for walks with DD would be good but I understand you feel scared. Is there anyone who could go with you?

I've changed my usual name for this. Am a regular poster.

I think your GP is being far too casual about it, tbh. I wonder whether this is either (a) because your GP is not that knowledgeable about trauma and mental health or (b) because you are so used to coping that you come across as much more highly functioning than you feel. Or of course both those things might apply.

FWIW I have a not dissimilar background, though my dc are older now, and I struggled a lot for ages because I come across as so lucid and functional that it was hard for professionals to see past that. You write very eloquently, but I wonder whether you have really communicated to your GP quite what a state you are in? From what you've posted here you are actively suicidal, have you made that clear to the GP?

You sound as if you need a lot more help than you're getting atm. I have coped well for years, but speaking from experience, once the wheels start coming off a coping strategy of just blocking it all out, things can get quite bad quite fast. You are entitled to proper help, though you may have to make a bit of a fuss to get it. Can you request to see a different GP? You could ask the reception staff whether any of the partners have a particular interest or experience in mental health? I would suggest that whoever you speak to you request a psychiatric referral as a matter of urgency to a psychiatrist who is experienced in dealing with trauma. IME if you tell them you're planning to kill yourself, they do start to sit up and take notice. On a purely practical level, if they have to admit you to hospital it will start to cost them serious money, particularly if you're a single parent, so they should be keen to avoid that.

The obvious help routes within the local NHS are: psychiatric referral (some psychiatrists are brilliant, some are useless, a good GP should have some ideas about who they'd like you to see); community mental health team (support in the community, maybe visits from a community psychiatric nurse); local mental health crisis team (out of hours support); local psychoanalytic psychotherapy services (proper psychotherapy does exist in the NHS though it may not be easy to access - some counsellors are great, but many are not, or are not experienced with trauma, so it's very hit and miss). The wrong type of counselling can be seriously re-traumatising. You are not in a good place atm to be part of the learning curve for this GP and this counsellor, so please do try and get help from more suitable services. As a last resort you can present at A&E, tell them you're suicidal and ask to see the duty psychiatrist, though obviously there's always a gamble on how good the person you see wll be.

There is proper sympathetic help available out there, and you deserve to get it, as does your daughter. If you're in the London area there is also the wonderful Maytree Respite Centre to which you can self-refer (for some reason I can't get their website to load atm, but they're in North London, and you can phone them on 020 7272 6863 or email on [email protected]

Please do reach out for some proper help.

Thankyou Cider, I only wish that I felt brave. I do like your point about the washing
I do expect far too much of myself, a bad habit, but I'm just so used to doing everything on my own that it drives me mad when I can't. Daft really.
AuntAda, thankyou that was very helpful and I am truly sorry that you've been through similar x
I know that I do put on a mask and pretend that I'm fine when I'm around others, when I'm alone I crumble. I did explain everything to the gp and even said the words "I'm not coping at all", may seem like nothing but that was so hard to say out loud. I feel as though they offer pills and counselling and then off you go. I am grateful that she has put me on meds but they take a few weeks to kick in and the next appointment is next week, so what do I do inbetween? Sorry I'm rambling on a bit.

Thankyou Cider, I only wish that I felt brave. I do like your point about the washing
I do expect far too much of myself, a bad habit, but I'm just so used to doing everything on my own that it drives me mad when I can't. Daft really.
AuntAda, thankyou that was very helpful and I am truly sorry that you've been through similar x
I know that I do put on a mask and pretend that I'm fine when I'm around others, when I'm alone I crumble. I did explain everything to the gp and even said the words "I'm not coping at all", may seem like nothing but that was so hard to say out loud. I feel as though they offer pills and counselling and then off you go. I am grateful that she has put me on meds but they take a few weeks to kick in and the next appointment is next week, so what do I do inbetween? Sorry I'm rambling on a bit.

Cuppa I wholeheartedly agree with AuntAda, I sort of hinted at this before but was didn't trust my judgement, and she has put it far more eloquently than I could.

Antidepressants and counselling seem like a sticking plaster- and your GP's lack of judgement could do you more harm than good.

I am angry on your behalf that you are clinging on and trying to be strong, but your GP hasn't done all they can to help you.

You deserve expert help to get you through this.

Thankyou wantto. I do agree, I just don't know how to fight them, or have the energy to. That's really the first time I've told the whole truth and still got nowhere
I am worried about managing between now and next week.

When you say you explained everything to the gp, did you explain about what happened to you or did you explain how you feel? GPs are used to people walking in an dramatising and it may be that unless you spelled it out in serious black and white they haven't really taken on the significance of this.

CBT is for dealing with anxiety and that's one of the things you have which is fine, but serious trauma is quite a different matter and perhaps needs to be dealt with in a different way. Perhaps if you call the Maytree Centre they will be able to signpost you to give you other options for support.

You're not rambling cuppa, you are being so brave, especially by so clearly saying to your GP that you are not coping. Unfortunately, I don't think she appreciated what you meant by that, which means she has failed you.

I think you will actually have to tell your GP, or whoever else might be able to help in your area, that you are feeling suicidal in order to start yourself along the road to getting better.

AuntAdamade some suggestions about what your next steps could be in the fifth paragraph of her post. I think the procedure varies between counties so its hard to know what to do for the best. I have a friend who turned up at A&E and got excellent help from there, but there are other routes also. I think there is a lot of help out there but unfortunately you have to make it clear how bad you are feeling before they will sit up and take notice.

I had a quick google and the NHS site suggests that help for someone experiencing a MH crisis (which includes feeling suicidal) is provided by a 'Crisis Resolution Team', who you can be referred to via A&E. It also states that this team aims to help people in their own home, so accessing them doesn't mean they are going to do anything drastic like try to relocate you.

I know this all feels like a huge step, and we will be here to listed to you whatever you decide to do.

One more thing- if you are worried about saying the words you could write it down. Either a letter for the receptionist to hand to the GP, or for you to hand to the GP, or to give to someone at A&E.

Something as simple as "I find it hard to say out loud that I am not coping, I feel suicidal, I am afraid of what I might do and I need some help"

I asked the gp to read my notes about what happened as I didn't want to have to explain it and then told her how I was feeling, and that it all relates back to what happened.

Wantto, the more I think about it, the more shocking it is. I wonder how many others suffer due to gps not listening and the minefield of trying to get help. Tbh I don't know what to do. I am managing just at the moment, tonight I will be back to square one.
Sorry I meant to say, I'm at the opposite end of the country to london, thankyou though.

Wantto, the more I think about it, the more shocking it is. I wonder how many others suffer due to gps not listening and the minefield of trying to get help. Tbh I don't know what to do. I am managing just at the moment, tonight I will be back to square one.
Sorry I meant to say, I'm at the opposite end of the country to london, thankyou though.

Here's what I suggest, either:

A. Go back to your GP, today if possible, and spell out how you are feeling including the fact that you are feeling suicidal and are particularly afraid of what might happen in the evenings (write it don't if you don't want to say it).

Ask why you cannot be referred to a specialist team- there must be one and you deserve their help.

B. Go to A&E and tell them......

You need and deserve more support Cuppa.

BTW: the stuff I found on Google related to the whole of the UK, not just London.

Cuppa, the thing is that 'I'm not coping' means different things to different people. A GP has a constant stream of people coming through their surgery, some of whom have very poor coping skills and the ability to make a lot of noise and fuss. If you are a habitual coper, then saying the words 'I'm not coping' out loud can seem like a massive deal and an admission that you are really at the end of your rope. But if you have a GP who is a bit clueless and not particularly sensitive, he or she may just hear that as 'I'm having a bad time and need a bit of help'.

ADs are not the answer in the short-term if you are feeling as bad as this; in the very short term they can actually make you feel worse. So if you feel that you need help right now and are worried that you won't make it through the week, then should take that seriously. Make an appointment with a different GP, or go to A&E. Do you have any friends who could go with you or advocate for you? You need to make it clear to them (by writing it down if necessary) that you are actively suicidal. If you have a specific plan and/or access to the means to kill yourself, then you NEED to tell them that as well. "I don't think I can keep myself safe over the next few days" is another useful phrase.

Your GP is not actively trying to deny you the help you need, no Dr wants to be on the wrong end of an inquest because they failed to take seriously someone who needed help. But if you have a GP who is not very good at reading between the lines, and a patient with a lifetime coping habit who doesn't make it explicit quite how bad she is feeling, then that is potentially a dangerous combination. If you don't feel you can keep yourself safe then you need to make that clear to them. If you are actively contemplating suicide, then please tell them that. I know it's hard, but it's not about you having to fight the system, it's about making it clear just how much pain you're in so that they can arrange the help you need.

I think I'll phone the gp back in the morning and ask for a telephone appointment, I can say things better when I can't see them. It's so frustrating, today was so damn hard and I've still got no help. I just want to pull myself together and get on with things.