Please help, I'm a total mess after counselling

[CuppaCiggieBiccieBliss]

My second counselling session was this morning and it has totally floored me. I am shaking like mad, can't think straight and have spent the last hour vomiting.
I hate talking about what happened, actually that's a lie, I CAN'T talk about it. I hate dragging it all to the front of my mind and ending up like this. Does it get any easier? I don't think I can do this anymore. I want to curl up in a ball and never wake up.

I am going to get dds tea sorted and give them a call while she's eating. I am feeling a little calmer, stopped crying, just very shakey and sort of like I'm not here. Like I'm watching myself.

The sensation of watching yourself could be a flashback, handy ways to re-engage with the here and now is to stomp your feet on the ground, touch your surroundings, look at the colours of things, hold onto a warm cup of tea.

How are you feeling now?

I'm really glad your GP realised that you needed further help Cuppa. It sounds like your day has been really tough and a roller coaster.

You really deserve to be free from the desperate days and nights that you have been having- and I honestly believe that reaching out for help as you did today is absolutely the best thing you could have done for both yourself and your lovely DD.

I hope you have been able to call the crisis team, you don't have to tell them about the background just how desperate you have been feeling to the extent that you consider ending your own life.

Thinking of you.

Thankyou. I have phones them yet, I am going to wait until dd is in bed, poor little thing has heard enough today

You've been very brave. I really hope you feel better soon.

I hope you are ok this evening Cuppa, and that you manage to get some rest.

Cuppa I read your whole thread last night, and just needed to log on this morning to see how you are today.

I know that you don't feel brave, but I am in awe of your ability to cope with what you have been though so far. I lay awake last night, thinking of you.

Hope that you managed to call the crisis team last night and that you find comfort in knowing that others on MN here are thinking of you and rooting for you. You are not alone in this.

Thankyou longtallsally, I did manage to phone them, eventually, I rang and hung up about 12 times
I am not feeling great today. Didn't get any sleep at all and still very shakey.
Thanks again, it is nice knowing that there are people out there that care x

You must be exhausted cuppa, it's even harder to cope without sleep.

Has GP, crisis team or community team actually done anything to help yet? I guess the wheels were only set in motion yesterday, but I so hope offer some useful help soon.

Oh I am completely dead on my feet, well barely on my feet tbh. They have given me some relaxation tips and things to help with the flashbacks. Unfortunately none of these work when I've had a nightmare as they are so bad. Every single detail is real, when I wake up I can't think straight. Its as if it has happened again, it even hurts

Oh Cuppa - it does sound truly appalling. But it also sounds as though it's like a big old boil, just ripening up ready to burst - everything's stretched tight, so tender to the touch, and you need to do something to get all the poison out so it can start to heal.

I hope you can find the "something" very soon to lance that boil - the right person to talk to, the right technique to help you - whatever it is, you will feel much better once it's drained.

Did the crisis team have any suggestions of people to talk to? As opposed to just relaxation techniques?

Cuppa, the "real" nightmares are awful. I changed my bedroom entirely and added lots of textured cushions, a couple of blankets and a teddy to hold as I was terrified to sleep. It takes time to get the hang of "grounding" techniques but they do work. Beta blockers also helped but it was to make me less panicked and able to "relive" it objectively and calmly supported by therapy

You are making progress, hang in there

I also told my DS I was sick and explained in simple terms so he was in the loop

Great advice from others here, who have much more experience than me. I do promise to think about you, however, when I am awake in the night. Hope that it might help a little, knowing that others are here thinking of you and that you are not alone. With the crisis team, MN and with the Samaritans, you need never feel really alone again, y'know. Just wish that there was more that we could do to help you through these horrible, horrific flashbacks.

Feel so for you - and angry too, that anyone dared to do this to a 16 year old, in such a . . . . systematic way. How dare they?! How bloody dare they?!

Hang on in there, and give your lovely dd a big hug too. How is she today?

Thankyou, that's really kind of you. It does help the chat, whinge, rant on here.
I wish I could see that I was only 16, I really do. I blame myself for far too much of it
Dd is fine thankyou

Part of the therapy I've done was inner child therapy. It helps you to reconnect and forgive and love the girl you were.

It is a difficult thing to do but the results are good.

I can find a link if you're ready? no obligation though.

Natural, may I ask, did you find it difficult? I am only asking as I can't deal with the counselling I am having at the moment. Feel free to tell me to mind my own business if you would rather not answer x

Ask away, I'd rather say 1 thing in a lot of things that might help you than say nothing.

Difficult, yes and no, I was quite forthright in not doing anything I didn't want to and councelling was on my terms bolshy but I did a lot of research on this kind of abuse, the effects, the therapies and didn't rely on one source.

NAPAC, Havoca, Pandoras are all websites I used to help me forwards

I took steps back when it got too hard, the grounding techniques helped me to "stabilise". Will link in a mo

CuppaCiggieBiccieBliss, just wanted to say how much I admire your courage for going to counselling.

Thankyou Wheresmypopcorn. I only wish I felt brave.

Ok, havoca has closed but try these, they should be non triggering. If they are triggering I/other posters, will be here to talk through it if you need.

ptsd.about.com/od/selfhelp/a/flashcoping.htm this gives a description of ptsd and how to recognise and cope with a flashback, not therapy but self soothing, some survivors don't know how to do this.

www.cbwhit.com/Victim-to-survivor.htm this is a chart that may help to pin point where in the healing process you are. Might trigger

Thankyou very much for the links Natural. I am going to have a look through them in the morning, I don't feel upto it now, wrong time of day
God it really is like groundhog day. I have a few things to try tonight. I think it's the fear that bothers me more iyswim. I am managing to stay away from the medicine cupboard so I suppose that's a positive sign.

Cuppa - that's great that you got to talk to mental health team. I don't want to criticise your counsellor but I am wondering if they are properly trained in trauma focussed therapy. It sounds far too early for you to be going into details about what happened before you have established a good working relationship and discovered what you can use for your personal grounding techniques. It could be that service is limited in your area so they are pushing you too fast as they know number of sessions is limited and are trying to help. That's clearly not right for you now and it is not your fault that it is making you feel worse.

If you have the energy (not now, maybe tomorrow) to read these government guidelines for PTSD, you will see that trauma focussed therapy, not general counselling should be provided. www.nice.org.uk/nicemedia/live/10966/29771/29771.pdf

This book is by a highly experienced trauma therapist, Babette Rothschild, and she has written it for clients, it is a bit expensive but perhaps the library might order it in for you?
www.amazon.co.uk/Keys-Safe-Trauma-Recovery-Take-charge/dp/0393706052/ref=ntt_at_ep_dpt_1

Hi Cuppa, I'm thinking of you and hope that you get some rest this evening.

You are so brave, and the fact that you are willing to look into things that might help you means that you can overcome this.

I've a feeling that your original counsellor was a rather 'blunt instrument' (I don't mean to insult him/her, I just dont think they were equipped with the skills to help you). Don't let this put you off other forms of therapy.......

X post, Euro!! Although you explained it much better than me.....

Thankyou both, I am not feeling well at all tonight so I apologise for not replying properly.
I am going to read through all of the links in the morning. I have managed to put my pj's on and get the bed ready to get into (sounds stupid but I can never normally do that) so fingers crossed I can get some rest.