Calling Maddie 04!

[NanaNina]

Hi Maddie - hope you don't think I'm stalking you but you left 2 sad faces (well I think that's what they were) a while ago and no text. Just wondering how you are - hope you're feeling better than me as I am having a ghastly time at the moment. Can you come back and let me know?

hi all,

sorry - it's been a while. I'm back at work now so busier than ever, but enjoying it. DS has settled into nursery - he loves it actually, so that's great.

Just wanted to say that I still follow your posts and am thinking of you all.

NN - hope today isn't too upsetting as you say goodbye to your CPN. I know it will be a wrench for you but you never know ...as one door closes another one opens remember.

I also wanted to say that I genuinely have so much admiration and respect for you all in managing what are complex and emotionally challenging situations. This has literally been a lifeline for me in my lowest points of PND and, like you have said, it's nice to be able to give something back in return.

My group is still going well - I think the HVs need to get better at referring people but at least we have the structure in place for mums to come along and feel it is a safe haven once a week and a chance to just be comfortable and honest about what they're going through.

Love to you all. Take care x

Hi Natsy so glad you are doing great, does that mean there is a light at the end of the tunnel lol xxxx
Hi NN how did things go today, been thinking of you and hope you are ok xxxxxxxxxx

There is definitely a light, Maddie - it might start out as a pin prick that can't be seen sometimes...but it gets brighter!

NN - hope you're ok xx

Hi Maddie - I had already talked with my CPN on the phone on Monday and was crying down the phone (because I felt pretty rotten) and told her that one of the reasons was because I was losing her. I said I didn't want her last visit to be long because I would just be dreading the time I had to say goodbye and she agreed that she and the new worker would "pop in" but gave me the option of her coming alone, and the new worker visiting at a later date, but said it would be ok for new worker to come but to keep the visit short.

I was on edge all morning (visit wasn't till 3) but was relatively composed by the time they came. We chatted and my lovely CPN told the new one the things we had discussed during the last year. She had probably already told her but it was just a way of "transferring" me I think. I was very anxious and talked a lot.............anyway eventually I said something like "it's time to end the visit I think" - I was crying by this time and my cpn was also tearful and we had a huge hug and I gave her a bag with the presents and card and they left. Have an appt with new one in 3 weeks. I cried b uckets when they had gone, and continued on and off all night. I really do feel that a major plank of support has been taken away from me. The new one was nice and friendly but it won't be the same.

I've forced myself to do things today even though I felt a bit crap - went to yoga, the dentist (just a check up) and went to meet my gr/chrn from school and cooked tea for everyone and got home quite late, so haven't had much time to keep thinking of my cpn, but I am sure I will never forget her.

Ah well, all good things come to an end.............how are you Maddie - you sound a bit brighter - is that right - hope so - I am up and down, down and up etc etc.......Love NNxx

Hi NN I was doing ok but things have went from bad to worse. I have had a massive fallout with my family and I have decided I want nothing more to do with them I dont trust anybody the things you find out in arguments eh!!!

I cant take it anymore I have been trying my hardest but nothing is working I really have decided I want nothing more to do with this life.

Oh Maddie I was wondering where you were. So very sorry to hear about the fall out with your family and that is bound to cause you an enormous amount of stress (as if you didn't have enough to put up with already) I must say from the way you described your mother and sister, it didn't sound like they were the least bit supportive of you, and you felt they were talking about you behind you back. Maybe it's for the best.

I know what you mean about "wanting nothing more to do with this life" - it isn't that you want to die, it's that you want the awfulness of mental illness to stop - is that right. That's how it is for me - just not wanting to be here any more when I am feeling really low. Look lovely you have 4 little children who want their mummy and you won't always feel like this. All of us who suffer with mh stuff have to believe things will be better - one day. I know how hard it is to believe that when you are feeling so so crap.

Can you talk to your OH (I think that's what you call him) about how bad you are feeling. Is there anyone in RL you can turn to - what about the CPN and the support worker - are you still seeing both of them.

Really feeling for you Maddie and wish I lived nearer to you and could come and hug you......but sending one anyway.........keep me posted..love NNxxx

Oh NN it would be lovely if you lived closer, I just feel like I have no one who truly understands (in RL) how im feeling. My family are no big loss anyway as they were always too wrapped up in their own lives.

Still seeing boh, cpn and support worker, I told my cpn the other day how low I felt and she just kept asking me more and more questions, basically I want to die!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is such a big low its overwhelming not even the thought of my children are keeping me from harm. Not ate a single thing in over a week i hope it takes effect soon.

Oh Maddie - feeling so worried about you - does your OH know you haven't eaten for a week. Who is boh by the way. Do you know if there is anything that has sent you so low. Could it be the fall out with the family even if they were no big loss. Sorry if you don't know, because I never know and get really irritated when people keep asking me what the triggers are.

Does your OH know how low you are - does he know you are feeling suicidal and are hoping to starve yourself to death. Maddie you are only a young woman and you have a life in front of you. I honestly do know how unbelievably awful depression is and there are days when I have gone and walked on the canal path, wondering if I could fall in and drown but somehoe knew I couldn't. Remember Maddie suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I know it doesn't seem temporary, but you are not always going to feel like this. You do have friends Maddie because I remember you saying a while ago they wanted to take you for a night out. Please contact one of them and get some support for yourself. Even if it's just holding you while you cry.

Please keep posting and sending much love NNxxx

Maddie please listen to what NN is saying.

Everything seems so desperate now - but it really can get better.

You need to speak to someone in RL who can help you. Ring the samaritans but also remember you can always go to A & E. there will be someone there on duty who can help you.

Everyone here wants you to be ok but we cant do much over a computer so its really important that you get some proper help. And i know youve said before that you find it difficult to be open with the CPN etc but you really must tell her exactly how bad you are feeling.

Sorry if it sounds like we are nagging but we just want you to get the help you deserve.

Take Care xx

Hi NN and Kizzie

NN I meant both my cpn and support worker my typing too fast.............

My family are just horrible they listen to nothing I say and nothing I do is ever good enough.
My OH knows I have not ate anything he keeps buying me chocolate and other horrible stuff I mean as if im going to eat that. Ive been in my bed most of the time since monday which means he has missed work, I just mess everything up.I just cant express how much I do not want to be alive I want to be gone and sometimes Im getting a nervous feeling in my stomach as a lie and think of my plans, Im so very unhappy and so very very sorry that I have wrote it here as I know you all care so much which is so lovely but I feel so lonely.

Maddie sweetheart, please don't forget that these feelings are part of your illness. This is depression talking and it sounds like you need help. Please make sure you tell your support worker , cpn and indeed everyone around you that this is how you feel. Noone will judge you or think any less of you. We all care about you but you absolutely definitely need help and support in RL. Please look after yourself and get the help you deserve xx

maddie04 i usually just lurk on this thread,but you sound so sad i wanted to try and give you a bit of hope.5yrs ago my sister had a very bad episode of bi-polar,she was suicidal and indeed attempted it quite a few times .fast forward to now ,she met a new man and they got married last august,they are very very happy and she has everything 100% better than it was.Of course she went through an awful time ,but with support and medication she got there.Please just get through one day at a time, accept all the help you are offered and eventually you will be happy.good luck

Hi again Maddie - (hi too to KIzzy and Natsy) glad you have come back on Maddie. Look lovely if your OH knows you are having extreme suicidal thoughts, have made a plan and are not eating, he should be getting the crisis team involved. Really suicidal thoughts have to be taken seriously in someone as low as you are at the moment. OK he's buying you chocolate but that is hardly what's neeed. Again Maddie, can I ask - does he know about this plan you have about starving yourself??? You must also tell your CPN, you must love......please come back on and agree you will tell your OH and the CPN.

You don't have to be sorry for writing on here Maddie, although I do know about feeling sorry, guilty and ashamed of being mentaly ill. I have felt all those things and still do when the bad times comes round. I am constantly saying "sorry" to my DH. When I go to my friend's and I am in a bad way I say "can I come in" - we have been close friends for over 40 years and it is in reality a ridiculous thing to say, but deep depression makes us feel sorry we are breathing. It's such a deceitful illness because we don't feel like this when we are physically ill.

I don't know what your CPN is doing - does she not realise how thin you are (I'm assuming you are very thin) and how desparate for this illness to end.

OK Maddie (I'm going to be bossy) and I want you to do 2 things.

1. Eat a banana today (if you don't have any, some other fruit/cracker/soup or whatever small thing you can manage.

1. Tell your CPN about your suicide plan.

I will check back in tomorrow to see if you have done No. 1!!

Sending lots of love............NNxxx

Hi NN
Im so scared if i tell her what ive planned
My OH has taken time off work and is at my back every second so i just stay in bed.
everything hurts so much
My cpn tries to talk about my weight and eating issues, but im clever i know what to do.
Im paranoid out of my brain i can hear what every1 is saying about me I can hear my family telling everyone they wish i was dead, wish i had a more loving family wish I knew someone like you NN I know i need help

SO glad you managed a post Maddie. You must tell your CPN what you have planned Maddie, she can't help you unless she knows, and it may be that you need to be in hospital for a while. What do you mean when you say "I'm clever I know what to do" when the CPN talks about your weight.....do you mean you pretend you are eating. Whatever you do it isn't really clever love because you are hiding the truth. I am worried that you are paranoid too, and am worried that this might mean your depression is getting worse. I know your family are no good for you, but I'm sure they aren't wishing you dead. Could that be your negative thoughts spiralling out of control.

The most important thing you said in your post Maddie is "I know I need help" and you deserve all the help and support you can get, but you can't get it if you are not going to be truthful about what is going on in your head. These nurses are not mind readers Maddie......

I think your CPN comes on a Tuesday? Not sure though, but will you do a deal with me and start to tell her some of the things that you are feeling, especially your suicide plan. What are you scared of happening if you tell her? The children won't be taken from you if that's what's worrying you, because your OH looks after them doesn't he. I can't really figure out the realtionship between you and the OH - you say he is "at your back every second" so you stay in bed. I get the feeling he is kind to you and a realy good dad - is that right.

Thanks again for coming back on Maddie - you have been in and out of my thoughts all day. Please come back and tell me if you have managed to start telling your CPN what is in your head.

Sending love and thoughts and hugs.....NN xx

Not scared about anyone taking my kids away they would be better off without me anyway but yes my oh looks after them but he said he need to go into work or his business will fail???????
Our relationship is ok he is kind to me but has done a few hurtful things in the past which i dwell on.
I just dont understand all of this why am i not getting better things are getting worse.
My cpn comes on thursdays NN I get so scared of my thoughts it makes me cry thinking of what im going to do I really hate this and im so so sorry i tell you all of this as i know you are struggling yourself and yet you help me.
I really am a horrible person.
Im just scared iof what my cpn reaction would be to me telling her everything. Its as if im being pulled both ways im being told to end it but then im being told to get help as soon as or i wont wake up in the morning, its just really hard trying to choose who to go with and what consequences i have to face

SO SORRY NN XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Hi Maddie.

First point - your kids love you, you mean everything to them and they would in no way be better off without you. I promise you.

I know you're struggling and I know your mind is in a tangle at the moment but you're poorly and you're going through a v rough time. It's not going to be like this forever, please hold on to the fact that things change.

You have nothing to apologise for. Your CPN will listen and it won't shock her - this is her job and she is there to support you and give you the help you need.

Let yourself be helped chick. We're all thinking of you and you deserve to feel better.

And lastly, you're not alone. No matter how difficult things get. You're strong and you can get through this - you just need some support and some help right now.

Thank you Natsyloo xxx

I feel so selfish as i never post to ask how you are doing or anyone elseas i know you are all struggling too.
I hope you are ok and keeping well and enjoying being back at work, I really dont mean to sound selfish xxxxxxxxx

Sending love xx

You're not selfish at all, Maddie. I can tell this immediately from your posts. You're a kind person who deserves to be happy. Take care xx

Hi Maddie - thanks for coming back on. Have had crap day but usually feel better in the evening. As Natsy says your mind is in a tangle at the moment, so it will be hard for you to sort things out in your head. I did wonder what you meant by "being pulled both ways I'm being told to end it and told to get help as soon as possible" - who is telling you to end it Maddie. I'm sure no-one is doing that - maybe you mean you are telling yourself this, I don't know.

Maddie you will not be telling your CPN anything she hasn't heard dozens (possibly hundreds) of times before. Depression makes us believe things about ourselves that aren't true.

It is telling you that you are horrible and selfish. It tells me that too and I'm always apologising to my DP and my friends.

You don't need to say sorry to me Maddie but I know why you do, because I do it too, and on bad days, cry if anyone is nice to me because I don't think I am worth anybody liking me. I think we are thinking very similar things and they are symptoms of this horrid horrid illness.

You don't have to tell your CPN everything all in one go, but you do need to tell her that you are not eating and your suicidal thoughts have become more powerful and you are making a plan to end your life by not eating. You must do this Maddie. If you can't say it you can write it down, or show her this thread. You need more help and support than you are getting. Is your illness depression and anxiety or something else, I honestly can't remember, but from how you describe it, it sounds exactly like depression and anxiety. Is it possible to change your meds, or even ECT which is supposed to work for people whose depression does not improve with medication. Before I went into hospital last year I could not believe they still did ECT, as I remembered those horrible things I saw on TV with people shaking etc., but it is nothing like that now, and apparently has very good results. The manager of the ward told me that she wouldn't hesitate to have it, if she became mentally ill as she had seen so many people get a full recovery from the treatment.

And please don't worry about not asking anyone else how they are. I can only write this to you now because I am feeling ok (as I usually do in the evening) but this morning I was under the duvet feeling scared and sobbing for a long time and had nothing to give anyone. When I felt a bit better I e mailed a close friend and realised at the end it was all "me, me, me" - it's just the way it is with this horrible illness.

Come back tomorrow if you can, but definitely after your CPN visit on Thursday.

Sending you lots of love Maddie - you (and me) will come through this - it won't go on for ever - and who knows when we are both better maybe I could travel up to Scotland to meet you in the flesh! I have a 2nd cousin in Edinburgh - are you anywhere near there?

Look after your lovely self..............NNxxxx

Hi Maddie - just to let you know that Im still thinking of you. And to echo what the others are saying. You are not selfish at all - you are just ill at the moment and like with any illness you need help to get better.
Please talk to the CPN fully - its really important.

You deserve to be happy and well - you really do xx

Maddie I'm not going away..........again you have been in my thoughts today as I know you have seen your CPN. Were you able to tell her a little more. My new one came today and she is nice but it takes time to get used to someone new - she stayed for 2 hours and I was worn out and headachey at the end.

How are you now Maddie - please just come back to say Hi (doesn't matter if you didn't tell things to your CPN) just so I (and others on the thread) know that you are still continuing with your struggle but can manage to post a little something.

Sending you lots of love and thoughts..........NN xx

I feel so drained this feeling of not wanting to be here is slowly killing me anyway.

I seen my cpn today and I was feeling so awful that I managed to tell her how I was feeling about not wanting to be here, I just cried most of the hour which I dont normally do. She just spoke to me about the consequences it would have on my family and that they would be so upset, I just shut my mouth after that and never really told her much more of my thoughts.

NN I know what it would do to them but I cant help feeling the way I feel I wish I could stop feeling like this but its too big and its taking over. She asked me to just hold on till her visit next week.

I have lost every bit of who I am

Hi Maddie Im not going to be online much over the next few days but didnt want you to think I was ignoring your post.

You have done absolutely the right thing telling your CPN. I know you are going through a vry difficult time but just keep telling yourself. Its the depression talking - not you. And depression can be treated - even if other treatments havent worked there are so many other things to try.

Please take care of yourself. One day at a time. And keep being honest with your health team - they are there to help you x

Maddie you're so brave and though you feel terribly low and weak at the moment - you are stronger than you think. You have done the right thing telling your CPN..she is there to give you the support you need right now.

I realise the feelings must be overwhelming and stop you from seeing things clearly, but they are part of the illness, not part of you if you understand.

Each day is a step towards feeling better - sometimes the stairs can seem incredibly steep and impossible but, with the right help and support...and time, you will get there.

We're all here and we care about you. Keep in touch x