Calling Maddie 04!

[NanaNina]

Hi Maddie - hope you don't think I'm stalking you but you left 2 sad faces (well I think that's what they were) a while ago and no text. Just wondering how you are - hope you're feeling better than me as I am having a ghastly time at the moment. Can you come back and let me know?

Hi Natsy so glad the PND group is still going well and hopefully its helping you as much as you are helping others xx

NanaNina how are you feeling hope you're still staying strong and taking care of yourself.

I have had a great day today got up at about 5 (lol) and started cleaning my house, this hasn't happened for a while but it felt great. I took my kids to the park and treated them to some new toys (it helps my guilt) I just wish this feeling would last forever but it doesn't.
Although I have felt great my OH doesnt feel the same way, he says he cant be around me when I'm like that, I dont understand why he cant see me happy, I will admit I might be a bit TOO chatty or TOO overenthusiastic but isn't that better?
Feeling a little bit anxious and irritated just now about things, so im going to sort out all my baby girls clothes, I love doing that when I feel happy it makes me happy and her clothes are so girly and then im going to sort through all the kids toys, dont think I will need much sleep tonight as I love this feeling, better not wake anyone though x x x x x

Hi Maddie - good to hear from you. Do you know what made yesterday different - was it just the way you felt when you woke up or something else. You haven't said much about your OH - he obviously looks after the children a lot when you are unable. Bit odd that he can't be around you when you are feeling brighter. Mind you do sound you are doing an awful lot - waking at 5 and thinking you aren't going to need much sleep. Are you sure you aren't overdoing things.

Has your OH got so used to you being the "poorly" one that he can't cope when you are ok......anyway hope you are still ok today but maybe not doing quite so much.

I am ok at the minute Maddie and have been for a few weeks now but have learned not to think I will stay that way. Saw my lovely cpn today and the next time I see her will be the last time. I will miss her so much.

Keep in touch and sending warm wishes ....love NNx

Hi NanaNina still feeling great its so good, My OH is great and he does look after the children alot and my kids seem to be much closer to him than me which hurts so much, but yes, I think he prefers it better when im down, he always says it hurts him so much to see me like that though, sometimes I just get so paranoid about people even him.
My mum and sister were in my house today and I KNOW they were talking about me as everytime I walked into the room they would stop, dont know whats going on around me, people are acting so strange but im enjoying whats going on in my bubble
My OH tends to try and tell what to do or what not to do, and keeps saying he wants the old me back, but I dont understand him because i have been feeling great, dont get me wrong I probably feel more agitated and annoyed about silly things but anythings better than wanting to kill myself, anyway I have waffled on foe too long xxxxx

So sad you are loosing your cpn, I hope the new one is as nice, but you are such a lovely person I'm sure you will be fine xxxx

Also support worker was out today and kids had great fun, she was lovely talk soon x x x x x

Hi NN - gald you had have a good run of a few weeks - what a relief for you. long may it continue

Maddie - great to hear from you. Just wondered if you have talked to your dr etc re. the difference between feeling so horribly low and then really active, not needing sleep, feeling a bit detached from people etc. it might help them get a better picture and be in a better position to give you help to even things out more (?)

Hope you both have a good few days x

Sorry Maddie - didnt read properly and missed the bit where you saw your support worker yesterday. Was thinking you hadnt seen anyone for a while - ignore me x

Hi Maddie - glad you are still feeling good. Is it unusual for your mom and sister to be in your house. Are you sure they were talking about you, or do you think you could be a bit over sensitive. I certainly am a lot of the time and I never used to be that kind of person before I became ill with depression.

Anyway hope things stay good for you, and keep in touch.

Hi Kizzie, no not mentioned it to her fully she tends to just concentrate on how i feel and hat im thinking, when im feeling really depressed, but im seeing my cpn on thursday so I would maybe mention it to her, but this is the way I used to always feel (either up or down) before my depression got so bad.
My support worker is mostly there for the children because I dont manage to to things with them, so I dont tell her anything and im not sure if she knows much about my situation.

Hi NanaNina, my mum and sister visit very rarely normally when they need to offload something, half the time I cant even remember what they have said to me, but yeah im pretty sure they were talking about me they hardly hide the fact. I am very over sensitive with everything and its a horrible feeling. Right now im not feeling so low to the point i want to stay in bed but im trying to calm myself down and stop thinking of things and getting the situation out of hand. I really dont trust anyone everyone is annoying me and im sure my OH is up to something just seems really distant. Ive forgotten what everything feels like, hope your well xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hi Maddie - hope you manage to have a good chat with your CPN this week. And hope the support worker is being some help to you. x

Hi Maddie - I may be miles off the point but is there any possibility that your mum and sister have come to see you because they are worried about you. Would they be able to say that to you and have a chat about how you are feeling. I suspect from what you've said before that's not the case but just wondered. Have you any idea what they might be saying about you behind your back. What do you think your OH is up to Maddie..........I get the feeling that he is good with the kids but not so good with you - would that be right.

Anyway whatever is going on for you I hope that you can calm down now, and enjoy not having to stay in bed. I too am very over sensitive since my depression and even paranoid sometimes - I never ever used to be like this before. I think when we have been depressed we are very emotionally fragile and things take on a bigger meaning that is actually the case, if that makes sense.

Anyway glad to hear you are getting help with the children. Dare I ask if you are stil seeing your CPN..............l am not bad at the moment thank you, but always waiting for the next blip to appear.......take care Maddie - thinking of you...love NNx

Thanks Kizzie, hope you aer taking care of yourself xxx

NanaNina, if only you knew my mum lol, she knows I'm not quite right of course she does im her daughter, but she chooses to ignore it because thats easier for her to do, but she always goes behind my back about things or if I ever confide in her or my sister they will always tell one another what I have said.
Right now im so unhappy in my relationship, so much has happened with my OH and I just dont trust him. He has betrayed me once and you know what they say, he will do it again and maybe is doing it again, but in a way why would he want to be with someone as crazy as me.

Im really really suffering with my eating righ now and im feeling ill all the time it just seems like 1 problem after another!!!!!!

Still seeing my cpn, and actually looking forward to seeing her to let all this out before i choose to do something silly.....

Im so sorry NanaNina that I constantly tell you my problems I feel like i moan all the time and your so nice to take the time to listen, I just dont want to hurt anybody, oh I feel like a good cry xxx

Oh Maddie - please don't apologise - there's no need. I am glad you can tell me your problems, and you know, nobody forces me to go on MN so it's for my benefit too.

Oh god so sorry to hear about your OH - I had a feeling things weren't right between you. Presumably that is what you meant by saying he was "up to something" - you are not crazy Maddie, you are mentally ill (like all of us on this MH thread)and you have this eating disorder too. You did say once that your GP was weighing you every 2 weeks - is that still happening. Are you having any help with your eating thing. Glad you are still seeing the CPN and it sounds like you are being more open now than you were before, which is all for the best.

It must be so upsetting for you to think that your OH is betraying you again. Could you be over sensitive about this do you think, as it has happened before, but then again I think a woman's intuition is usually right. What would you do if this turned out to be true - trouble is you need his help with the children don't you.

Are you still feeling a bit more energetic as you were a little while ago. Mind that is unlikely if you are not eating isn't it. Has your GP not referred you for counselling especially over the ED, which as I'm sure you know is a mental illness in itself and is nothing to do with food.

Oh Maddie I feel for you so much - wish I could help you - all you can do is hang on in there and get all the help you can from the medics. Can you ask the CPN about counselling for your ED. By the way does she know about this, or maybe she jusgt naturally thin. If she doesn't know, please tell her as you need help with this, as I wonder if this is one of the things that is making you feel so ill.

Love NNxx

Hey NN hows you?
My OH really is a good man and one of the best dad's a child could ask for, and if I ever found out anything was happening again or should I say still going on, then I would still never leave as my kids need him here for them to have the life I want them to have!!! He would never allow me to go anywhere, he would fight for kids and he has all the money that provides my kids with their luxuries.

I have not told anyone about my eating I hide it well, I dont go to see my gp very much now as I think she was becoming more aware of my weight, so I get my anti d's on repeat prescription but she told my hv, she would like to see me soon.

Each day I wake up I never know how Im going to feel it disrupts my whole life as I never know who the hell I am or what im going to be able to do.
My friends are wanting to take me out for the day on saturday but Im so nervous about what kind of day im going to have, just basically worrying about everything there is to worry about.......

Seeing my cpn on thursday and she says i have became much more open with her so if I can continue letting her in, then hopefully she can help me.
I worry that I am seriously ill and will never get better, but as long as I dont have a bad effect on my children growing up as that would kill me!!!!

Thank you NanaNina, for everything just allowing me to message you helps me so much, strange to think I tell you everything, more than anyone in RL, and I dont even know you, sending love xxx

Maddie - thats brilliant that you are starting to be more open with your CPN :-). its a real step forward x

Hi Maddie - yes I thought your OH was very good with the kids, as you have often mentioned this, and I can see why you absolutely need him to be there for them. I know he works, so are you able to look after them when is at work. It's just that you talk sometimes of needing to stay in bed all day (and I know that one very wel) there have been days when I have nogt go up till late afternoon, only to go back in early evening. For some reason the pain of depression doesn't seem to bad in bed. Is that how it feels for you?

I know so well that feeling you describe of never knowing how you are going to feel when you wake up - it does disrupt your entire life and it's horrible.

I'm not going to stop nagging you about your ED(!) because I think that this is making you feel physically ill and you will be prone to lots of infections. My niece has an ED and is only a young girl but is always down with throat infections, swollen glands and viruses of one sort or another. Can I ask if your OH knows about your ED - if not, I think he should know. Maddie you must get some help with this, because you have a double whammy - 2 mental illnesses, depression and and ED. I do understand that anorexia is about control and the need to have control over something, and for you that is choosing not to eat. But you need help lovey, you really do. There is a website called BEAT (I think that's right - I'll check and make sure) that is for people with an ED which might be helpful for you.

Think Maddie that you must go out with your friends on Sat - I know you will be anxious as hell and worry about everything you can, as you say, but I think you might find the actual doing it is not nearly so bad as the anxiety of thinking about it. If you don't feel you can manage a whole day, what about half a day. Do any of your friends know you are not eating. Surely they must be able to tell from the look of you.

Hope today was a useful session with your CPN and as Kizzie says it is so good that you are beginning to open up to her, as that has got to be for the best.

So take good care of yourself and come back and let us know how Saturday went and how you are. I am ok at the moment and enjoying being me but still worrying about when the next blip will descend......Love NNx

Hi Kizzie - how are you, cus I think you have been through another rough patch haven't you - is it any better.

Me again Maddie. That website I mentioned - if you do feel like taking a look you have to put B.eat into google and then stuff appears. My niece has found it helps her, so might be worth a look - can't hurt can it?! NNxx

Hi NN my OH has his own company so he can come and go to a certain extent, so if I know he's not got much of a busy day I tend to phone him to come home or sometimes he can't leave the house in the morning because i'm so bad. I do feel like if I stay in bed its so much easier I can turn off for a while, I would probably stay in bed forever, but that's when I think what's the point to all of this.

I'm very anxious about going out with my friend because I dont know how long I can put a face on for, and the fact they want to go for dinner and drinks, I've not done that in such a long time but I don't want to dissappoint them.
My friends are aware I think of my situation with food they used to say to me about my eating habits but since I have lost more weight they don't really mention it anymore.
MY CPN is wanting me to see a psychologist for a mental health assessement I feel like I am a lost cause.
I will have a look at the website thank you xxxxx
Take care xxx

Kizzie hope you are okay, sending love xxxxxxxxxx

Hi Maddie - the arrangement with your OH sounds ideal, so glad you have that level of support, especially with 4 young children.

I would try your best to go out tomorrow but if you are just too anxious could you strike a compromise with them, and maybe go for a short time. Dinner and drinks does sound quite a big deal to be honest. Think it might have been better to have gone to a garden centre with a cafe and have a coffee and cake. However I honestly think the anxiety beforehand is going to be worse than the actual going out. That's how it has worked for me in the past. Can you confide in them (or one of them) to take you home if you really feel you've had enough.

My CPN has referred me to a pyschologist too and I have had my first appt which was sort of her getting to know my history of mental illness etc and I felt quite comfortable with her, but it was on a good day. SO you are absolutely not a lost cause because your CPN wants you to see a psychologist and if like mine it is on the NHS at least it's free. I wouldn't have thought a psychcologist was going to do a mental health assessment because I think that is the task of the psychiatrist or CPN. Anyway I would go see the psychologist - you need all the help you can get Maddie and you never know, it just might help to be able to talk to someone, especially as you have now opened up more to your CPN.

Let us know how tomorrow goes - love NN xx

Maddie - you are definately definately not a lost cause! Go for the appointment as you may find it some help. Let us know you get on.

Thanks for both asking about me x I had a good week - just normal :-) but then anxiety / low etc started again yesterday. Im keeping a detailed diary to see how much of it is possibly hormonal ...

Hope you both have a good weekend x

Hi NanaNina hows things with you hope you are taking care of yourself sending you lots of love xxxxxxxxxxxx

Lovely to hear from you Maddie. Afraid I am in the middle of another blip. This one has hit me hard as haven't had one for 6 weeks and really was beginning to believe they had gone for good. It's a pretty bad one too and my DP who is usually so supportive has been impatient and argumentative which hasn't helped - just made me much worse. This morning he said he was afraid that he couldn't cope with it anymore...........and I didn't understand how all of this affected him. This started another argument and I was left in a heap and been in bed most of day (something I never usually do even when I have a blip). Anyway just had long talk and he is remorseful and saying that he would always stick by me and support me (we've been together 40 years - just never got round to getting married!) He says he has had a blip too but we will get through it together. It's shaken me though because even though we do have arguments from time to time (always over nothing) he has never ever said that he was afraid he couldn't cope anymore.

I just have to hope this blip clears away - I am anxious too because I am seeing my lovely CPN for the last time on Tuesday - she is moving to another part of the country, and is transferring me to someone else, but I don't feel I want anyone else because my lovely one will be such a hard act to follow.

SO that's me..............how are you Maddie??

Thank you so much for thinking of me - it has brightened my evening up a bit. Sending much love to you too...............NNxx

Oh NN you sound like your having an awful time, Its awful when you argue with someone you love and your probably the same as me in the respect you find it so hard to deal with when arguments happen because of the depression.

What a shame about your CPN I remember you saying she was leaving. Did you meet your new one what did you think of her?
Do you get given any extra support when your having a blip, you know that I'm here anytime you need to talk xxxxx

Gosh 40 years together thats so wonderful, even though me and my OH don't get on sometimes I hope we can be together for a long time xxxx

I'm doing ok thank you just taking each day as they come!!!

Even though I don't post all the time I still think of you and hope your doing ok xxxxxx

Hi NN - sorry about your blip :-( I havent got over mine unfortunately either. But set myself various things to try over the next 3 months to try and make the good days last longer.

I know this probably wont help today but I think its fantastic that youve had a run of 6 weeks. Im really hoping for you that this blip doesnt last very long and that your next 'free' spell is even longer than 6 weeks - and that the blips then disappear altogether !

Hi Maddie x

Thank you Maddie and Kizzie for your warm words.....it does help. I feel slightly better today and my friend has just insisted I walk over to hers this afternoon (only 10 min walk) and that is always restorative. We have been friends for over 40 years and she is as loyal a friend as anyone could have. DP back to being calm and loving.

Thing is now I have to face the last visit with my CPN tomorrow and I phoned her today to ask if she was bringing the new one with her and she said that was the plan. I caved in and cried down the phone, saying I only wanted a short meeting because I am dreading saying goodbye to her and prolonging it will only make it worse. I have bought her a book and a cd and a nice card. She said she would come on her own tomorrow and the new one could come another time, but I thought that would probably be worse. I asked if I could take a photo of her and she said "of course" and said there were one or two other people who were in a state because she was leaving.

SO am not looking forward to that................am feeling anxious about so many things that normally would not bother me.

I had a feeling you were struggling too Kizzie - so sending good day cybervibes to you and of course to you to Maddie. You sound like you are doing better - so glad if you are. Love NN xx

Its bound to be a big thing re. your CPN as she has been so important to you. It has been building up for such a long time - i think once you get tomorrow out of the way and then let a couple of weeks pass - i think you may start to feel better about it because at least you wont have the 'goodbye' hanging over your head.

Hope tomorrow goes ok x

Thanks Kizzie - I'll let you know