Calling Maddie 04!

[NanaNina]

Hi Maddie - hope you don't think I'm stalking you but you left 2 sad faces (well I think that's what they were) a while ago and no text. Just wondering how you are - hope you're feeling better than me as I am having a ghastly time at the moment. Can you come back and let me know?

Hi NN, wowser, these blips are a real pain in the bottom sometimes aren't they. You can start to feel like you're running a marathon in the desert and the bl**dy oasis just keeps disappearing out of view.

Re the group-i'm not running it as such, just one of the mums in it and no am not positioning myself as fully recovered as am super honest about blips. We're all supporting each other really but some mums are right in the thick of the storm if you know what I mean whereas I like to think am generally doing ok-notwithstanding annoying blips. So as you say, honesty is paramount-but the idea of never recovering fully scares the living daylights out of me.

You get some rest too-and make sure that plumber stays out of mischief xx

much love to everyone xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Just wanted to wish you all a happy mothers' day-you're all special ladies and wonderful mums xx

Thank you natsyloo and hope you have a lovely day too xxxxxxxxx

Hi Natsy and Maddie - had first good day for 10 days today and was able to go to my son and dils and be "me" (they did a meal for both mothers and other relatves too). Had lovely bunch of flowers from son who lives miles away and a text from another son that made me cry! In a nice way.

Natsy - I know exactly what you mean about the fear of never recovering, I have the same fear, but CBT tells us to avoid negative thoughts like that as it will make us more anxious and have more negative thoughts etc. No one can see into the future but I read recently in a book written by a psychiatrist that depression is a self limiting illness. I think that is especially true of PND. Not so sure about me, as I am much older, but can only hope that I fully recover.

Maddie - how are you - hope those 4 litttle ones made you cards and didn't get hands too sticky in the process! You have been sounding a bit more upbeat lately - is that right or just my perception. Is it tomorrow your support worker starts. Hope this gives you some time for yourself. Love Nnxx

Hi Maddie - how are you? Has your support worker started and if so was she (assume it was a she) any help - did you like her, cus I think that's the main thing isn't it.

I am thankfully have a bit of respite from 10 horrible days, but of course always wondering how long it will be before another blip comes and knocks me over. Saw a quote recently on depression, saying "You can't stop the waves coming, but you can learn to surf" - sounds easy doesn't it but we know it isn't at all. Probably written by someone who has never had depression.

Thinking of you ...........NN xxxxxx

Hi NN, my support worker came out for a visit with my hv and she seemed nice but I am just very wary of letting people in I hate to think people are watching what im doing, but she wont be back for a couple of weeks because of holidays.
Glad to hear you are feeling a little better and hopefully when easter is over and done with you might start having longer periods of feeling better, I bet that sounds good lol.

I'm feeling like I have no control over anything at the moment and I hate it my partner is also at the stage where he says that he can't cope with the change in my moods, and that it is making him feel awkward and down. Don't actually know where he is going with that, so I guess I will just try and hide as much as I can from him.
I always wonder to myself if I will always have to live like this!!!!!

Glad my pm cheered you up a little, did you get my reply to you, dont know if I sent it properly.
Take care and we will talk soon sending lots of love xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hi Maddy - good to hear from you, and glad you have at least met your support worker. I honestly don't think she will be watching what you are doing and sort of monitoring you. In fact it should be the other way round, you need to be watching the way she is caring for the children, and that they are happy with her help.

You don't usually mention your partner, but you did once say he was really good with the children and they were his life. I did get the impression that things may be a bit difficult between you, but that I'm sure is the case for all of us who are struggling with crippling depression. It is very hard for them to see us go through this and not be able to help. You seem uncertain "where he is going with that" and are going to try to hide as much as you can from him. I have to admit that I do this too if I think my depression is getting my P down, although in the main he is very supportive. I actually tell him to go out with friends or whatever so that he can have some time away from me.

I'm in a bit of a mess with PMs so will have a look at our PMs and see where we are. I sent a long reply to soneone else yesterday and it would not send. Some stupid little box kept coming up saying "Message from Webp and an exclamation mark - when I clicked on OK it just re-appeared. I was ready to throw the laptop at the wall! Have asked MN for advice.

Keep in touch Maddie and take as much care of yourself as you can............dare I ask what happened with the CPNs visits?

Love NN xx

Hi everyone, thought I'd just check in.

Maddie - I'm glad you're getting support at home, you have an awful lot on your plate and are doing so well to keep the plates spinning. As for relationship issues, I agree with NN that depression puts an incredible pressure on as partners can't often comprehend the way you're feeling...and I have to admit it makes me more volatile and irritable so often can row more when I feel down. Try and explain to your DP how hard it is for you at the moment and that you realise there is a strain on your relationship but you're doing your best.

NN - hope your blip-free period is still going...it's such a relief when things are 'normal'. As for the issue of recovery - on good days, as I had with my therapist today, I can see that it's more about trusting in things unfolding rather than trying desperately to control the future. I realised how far I've come in the last 6 months today and, despite acknowledging there may be blips ahead, it was a good feeling.

My therapist had also seen my piece in the local press and said she felt v proud of me. That gave me a lovely glow :)

BTW the return to work has been ok - missed my baba on day one and had a cry when I came home but started to enjoy the freedom a bit more on day two so once I get used to it I think I will quite like having life as a 'professional' and one as a mummy.

Love to you all, take care xx

Hi Natsy -yes thanks I am still ok and desperately hoping I will be ok over the Easter holiday as my son and dil and 2 gr/chdrn are coming over (from another country) and it will be lovely to have all my gr/chrn together (aged 2 - 11 years)

Was interested in your comment about "I can see that it's more about trusting in things unfolding rather than trying desperately to control the future" - can you say any more about that. I saw an NHS psychologist yesterday who I really liked and she said that what was coming through from me very strongly was this issue of "the 2 me's - the one when I am me and the other me who is flat and empty and disinterested in everything" - she said she thought we needed to work on integrating the "2 me's" and I wondered if that was tied up with your thoughts about things "unfolding"
Unfortunately she is passing me over to a trainee clinical psychologist on placement with her. I will give it a go though because at least it is free! Do you find the therapy help Natsy?

Maddie - where are you? How are you? Please let us know........I worry about you when you go quiet ...NNx

Glad to hear you're doing well, NN. THe visit from your darling g/chn sounds just lovely.

When I talked about letting things unfold I really was referring to the ability to tackle my fear about the unknown and change. I realised through my therapy that my whole life I have been extremely anxious about what's coming next (esp after having down periods) and worrying that I won't be able to handle it. I'm now learning that I can let go a little of this worry and things will just unfold anyway. Worrying is a fake way of trying to control the future but actually is counter-productive. All v well in theory mind.

I've found the therapy incredibly valuable - I feel like I've been on a journey to be honest. Yesterday I was reflecting on how my thoughts about myself have changed in the past 6 months and how important it is to hold on to the new self-perceptions. The big task now is being able to nip any lows in the bud and be aware of trigger points. I guess the biggest thing i've learnt is that thoughts aren't facts. I used to think they were which is why I thought my world had ended when I felt so low after DS's arrival. I now use evidence to back up thoughts and treat them more like hypotheses to be tested. It sounds easy but it will take time I think.

Anyway, hope your therapy is useful - have a good weekend.

Maddie - big hugs to you - look forward to hearing from you. x

Thanks for that Natsy - very helpful especially the thing about worrying is a fake way of trying to control the future, but actually is counter-productive. I'm not sure that I did used to worry about the future before the depression but I do now, most of the time - wondering when the next blip will come and how I will cope etc etc.

Can I ask what sort of therapy you are having as therapists seem to have different orientations. I went to one for 3 months before this depression really nose dived and she was purely psycho-analytical and she made interpretations that did not fit and was digging around for some buried trauma in my childhood that wasn't there! My CPN (who I am losing soon - boo hoo - will only see her one more time on her own and the next time she comes she is bringing the new CPN with her) has been doing CBT and that has been helpful sometimes. I think maybe the relationship you have with the therapist is most important though.
Do you agree?

And MADDIE please come and talk to us, even if just a few lines. You have been quiet for so long, and I am worried about you.....love NN xx

Hi everyone just popping in to say hello. I'm so glad you had a good day with your gchildren NN. I've been trying to work at my cbt etc. Had some better days - hurrah :-) but still got an underlying anxiety some times (more some days than others).
I had hoped to have more 'stability' by now on this dose but fingers crossed will still come ???
Hope you are ok maddie and you too natsyloo - take care everyone x

Me again Maddie - I will not give up!!
PLEASE post even if you can just say "Hi - still here" would like more obviously but am really getting worried about you as you have been so quiet for such a long time.

Hi Kizzie - I have underlying anxiety even on my run of good days. Was on the point of crying last night because I couldn't find my car outside Sainsburys - was getting more and more anxious hurtling round with my trolley........never thought it would come to this!

Hi Maddie - hope you are ok.

NN - been a difficult day for me too today. Felt v anx and jittery all day for no reason. :-( no idea why. Start of a new week tmorrow - so lets hope its a good one for us both x

im ok sorry not been here for a bit x

WOW - nice to get your little message and you say you are ok. Don't feel pressured to post, it's just that we worry about you when you go so quiet. Really hope you are getting some help with the children from the support worker.

Sending very very warm wishes and hoping you will take good care....love NNxxx

hi nananina i dont feel pressured to write here at all everyone helps me so much im just not coping very well at the minute and have been fainting and feeling dizzy and sick and cant seem to find the energy for anything. . . . . I will post again when i feel better i am so sorry and i hope you are looking after yourself NN talk to you soon x x x x

Hi Maddie - do you think the fainting and feelign dizzy and sick are anxiety symptoms as they sound a bit like that. But if they aren't you should be getting checked out by a Dr shouldn't you. Please don't apologise Maddie - there really is no need as I fully understand how difficult life must be for you with 4 young children as well as depression etc etc. I am on day 12 of a good run of days but am expecting them to end any time now, as I rarely go above 14 days.

I will look out for you Maddie - take good care and hoping for brighter days ahead for both of us and all other sufferers of this horrid horrid illness......love NN xxx

Hi nananina hope things went ok this weekend and you managed to enjoy having all your family over.
I managed to get out of bed and see all my kids enjoy their easter eggs, they were so excited it made me nearly cry............
My oldest son was so happy because I managed to sit at the dinner table with them and have some dinner, he was asking if that was me feeling better now or did I have to go back to bed, I feel so ashamed of myself that my son knows I'm not well.
Think its going to be a long night as I ate dinner and have a full stomach which stops me from sleeping, thinking of you lots.

Hi Kizzie and Natsy hope your both keeping well and sending you both lots of love x x x x

Hi Maddie - please dont be ashamed. Its an illness - and you deserve to get fully better. Well done for taking part in it with the kids :-)

NN - I really hope your family weekend went ok.

Im back in another blip unfortunately - they seem to be coming closer and closer together :-(

Im going to try really really hard with all the self help stuff for the next couple of months to see if i can improve things on my own xx

Hi Kizzie and Maddie. Glad you managed to enjoy a big of Easter Maddie.
Oh Kizzie - so so sorry you are back in another blip - my friends now call it Blipsville and seem to have got used to me being in BV and helping as much as they are able, even if it is only texts. What meds are you on Kizzie and have you had any therapy. Sorry if you've already said but I can't remember.

The Easter weekend was fine (with 10 people and 4 kids in the house) it was all very hectic. However it was fine until my youngest dil spoiled everything by creating a very unpleasant scene, shouting at my son for nothing. She is very controlling and unfortunately my son just accepts it, and I have kept my mouth shut and sat on my feeling for over 10 years as has my DP because we want to keep the cart on the wheels. However this time I did have a bit of a dust up with her though was measured about it and she apologised. The atmosphere yesterday was horrible and me, son and DP took the kids out to a big park which they loved (dil stayed at home watching TV) and my son told me she was waiting for HIM to apologise even though she was the one that created the scene. He said he was not going to do it this time and the atmposphere last night was horrid. Anyway they've taken the children to Legoland today and are going home tomorrow. I loved loved loved seeing my gr/chdrn though.

Unsurprisingly this has sent me downhill again and have felt a bit flat and crap but improved as day wore on.

Hope you feel better soon Kizzie - you and I seem to be the worst blippers on these threads. Isn't it exhausting as just when you think you are OK another blip comes and hits you. At least I know what the trigger is for mine this time,which I don't usually.

Meant to say a "bit" of Easter Maddie not a "big" of Easter.

Sounds like you did brilliantly NN. Family rows make people feel awful at the best of times so you did really well to cope with it.

Im on 35mg of a tricyclic (clomipramine/anafranil) which is a low dose but I cant take anymore than this or it starts to affect my driving. I have been ok on this dose before but it maybe that its just not enough anymore?? The problem is that i suffer very severe side effects if I try to change to another one so thats why Im going to try really hard with everything else first.

You're right about the blips being exhausting ! They drain me completely of any confidence x

Hi everyone,

Hope the easter bunny was good to you.

Maddie - I'm sure your kids really appreciated spending quality time with you over the bank holiday - you did really well to join them despite feeling poorly...what a lovely gesture as a mum :)

Kizzie - sorry to hear about blipsville - it can be a rocky road can't it. You will get there though am sure it doesn't feel that way at the moment. You're doing all the right things...try and stay strong.

NN - am so pleased you were able to enjoy quality time with your lovely g/children. I know the row is a bit disappointing and upsetting but hopefully your son and his wife can overcome their issues. So nice that you cld see your precious little ones...special moments.

We had a lovely weekend at a friend's wedding and my gorgeous little ds was such a good boy at the ceremony. Realised how responsible and grown up you have to be as a parent at weddings and formal events, but it was lovely all the same to show him off.

Still have the occasional wobble after the return to work as things have been pretty hectic but all being well am getting there and the PND group is still going well. It's v rewarding to be part of something that helps other mums and I've made some lovely new friends too :)

Speak soon all, take care xx