Oh Maddie, so very very sorry you are still feeling so awful, but glad that you told your CPN how you were feeling, and I don't think it hurt at all that you were crying all through. At least your CPN can see for herself the state that you are in. To be honest love the CPN couldn't say much more about your wishing to be dead, only about it affecting your children etc.
I truly do understand Maddie how you don't want to hurt your children or OH but how you can't stop thinking about it - I have felt this so many times myself and have "written" letters in my head to my kids and DP and close friends. There is actually a thread at the moment called "How many times do you think about suicide" and the number of posts is growing by the day. I felt some relief in being able to talk about it, and my "chosen" method. It is surprising how many people think or have thought of suicide as a way out of the pain. I think mental health illness is the only illness that makes us want out of it.
Given that your CPN now knows about your suicidal thoughts I would have thought she would be referring you to a psychiatrist. Would you be willing to go into hospital, because it seems to me that this would be the best thing at the moment. I have been an inpatient twice, once 15 years ago, and once last Easter (in for 3 months both times) and it is quite boring, but the thing is it means you don't have to think about doign anything - and for you it might mean help with your eating disorder. I wonder if not eating is making you feel so weak Maddie.
It's all very well for the CPN to say "hang on till next week" and in reality what other option do you have. When I am having really bad days friends text me and say "hang on in there" and I think "that's all very well but what other option is there" because I am one of those people who have thought of various ways of committing suicide but at the same time don't think I would have the courage to do it. I would if I had no family or friends.
Have you ever seen a consultant psychiatrist Maddie, because if not, it's high time that you did. He/she may be able to add something to your meds or even ECT as a last resort, which I am told is very effective for people whose depression doesn't respond to ADs
Maddie you haven't lost every bit of who you are, but I understand completely how you feel that this is the case, because I have spent hours crying "this is not who I am" and grieving for the real me. There is still Maddie underneath this awful black cloud that is wrapped around you and making you feel like an alien, like you don't belong on this planet. Sorry that might not be how you feel, but for me the most scary part of depression is the feeling of being an alien on the planet - I am under a big black cloud and everyone else is bathed in sunshine. I know it's not true because many people hide their problems but it's what the depression says to me.
Keep posting Maddie and look after your lovely self.....with much love NNxx