Calling Maddie 04!

[NanaNina]

Hi Maddie - hope you don't think I'm stalking you but you left 2 sad faces (well I think that's what they were) a while ago and no text. Just wondering how you are - hope you're feeling better than me as I am having a ghastly time at the moment. Can you come back and let me know?

It just gets too much sometimes I dont know why!! I have felt awful all day and I just feel like im living this nightmare alone wish I could be more open in RLand let people help me oh I could scream.
I just want things to be different wish I could be someone else so sorry im writing here again x

Oh thanks you for your kind words kizzie you are right I think I am so much better off cus of not having children at home, but the blips are horrid aren't they. Another reasonable day today but bad news - my lovely CPN has told me that she is moving to another partof the country (boo hoo) and will have to transfer me and I will really miss her. Not sure which book I mentioned, think it might have been "Malignant Sadness" but have found another really good one on Amazon "Climbing out of Depression" by Sue Atkinson. She is not a medical expert but has suffered depression. She gives a definition of depression which is the best I have ever heard and hit the spot for me, and it is all about recovering, so might be helpful for you. Very readable too. It is SO obvious rthat she has suffered depression, rather than a medic or academic writing about it, without having had the experience.

Maddie - SO sorry you have had an awful day - you justhave to get through hour by hour don't you. Hope allyour children are good sleepers so you canget some rest and relaxation once they are in bed. You said you aren't worth bothering with (or something like that) and I have said the same thing sooooooo many times - it is the depression "talking" not you - this deceitful illness makes us think we are unworthy and we are NOT. I can see this when I feel a bit better, but the last 4 days I have been saying exactly that, even asking a friend "Why are you bothering with me" and of course youalso have an abusive background to leave you with very little self esteem. You are worth caring about Maddie - you must try to believe that. We are all worth it. Oh god that sounds like that L'oreal ad doesn't it.

Take good care and sending you warm wishes and hoping that we will both have better days ahead xx

How are you today Maddie - there are people who care about you, and you ARE worth caring about. Hope you got throgh the day - step by step. There is no other way when we feel rock bottom. My last blip seems to have blown itself out, sohave a bit of respite - till the next one. Let me know how things are going. N xx

Hi NanaNina hope you are well!!!!

I just feel at a total loss I dont know how to get out of this, I have more and more thoughts of ending it everyday, just so tired.

I see all my friends leading their lives, going out being good mums and it hurts that I have no confidence to join in with the socialising, and good times we used to have, I want that back so bad it hurts, I miss the old maddie.

I think im frustrated because I want to feel better now and because that isn't happening I feel as if im doing something wrong.
I feel like everybody is watching my every move, if I have to go to nursery to pick up kids im sure I can hear people talking about me and they all have that look on their face, that they are disgusted with me.
I haven't ate much in the last few weeks and im beginning to feel ill and weak but then that best describes me ILL, WEAK.
So sorry to go on I know you have a lot of your own things to deal with, take care x x x

Hi Maddie - cant write too much today. (I seem to have been hit by a blip myself - really glad that yours has lifted Nananina - hope this one doesnt stay too long for me. Has been threatening for a few days)

Anyway Maddie - you really really do deserve help and support. Go back to the doctors if you can and tell them how you are feeling. The other thing is please please start eating properly. This will be having a negative impact on your mood. When your blood sugar levels are all over the place it makes it easier for depression to take hold. If you cant face cooking just try easy things - wholemeal toast, banana, crackers with bit of cheese etc etc.

Take care x

Thanks Kizzie, my mind works in bad ways and tells me that the starving myself is a good Idea I sometimes like to feel so hungry that my stomach hurts, and when I dont eat anything I feel like I have achieved something.
Im going to try and force myself to have a little bit of fruit though.

I hope your ok and are being looked after, take care of yourself x x x

Hi Maddie - have had the days from hell since last Sun to Thurs last week - lifted a bit now thank god. I know exactly what you mean about looking at other people getting on with their lives. I feel so envious of others laughing, chatting, having energy etc and I am not an envious person, and neither are you I know. It's this bloody illness that makes us feel this way. We don't feel envious of people who are not having a cold or flu do we.

I know also how you feel about wanting your old life back - can't tell you the number of times I have written this in huge letters in my journal - IWANT MY LIFE BACK- i get really sad too at thinking of who I used to be, and sometimes get back there, only to be blown off course yet again.
Also heard my lovely CPN is moving to a different part of the country - says she will transfer me but it won't be the same.
You aren't doing anything wrong Maddie because you aren't better - it's just the nature of the illness. Maybe your anxiety is making you feel people are looking at you and think you are disgusting - I'm sure they aren't but i know how easy it is to get distorted ideas.

As Kizzie says you must go back to GP and see what else can be done, and you must tell him/her that your suicidial thoughts are very frequent.

Bit worried about your post to Kizzie saying that you think you have achieved something by not eating - that sounds like the way anorexic people think - not saying you are anorexic but you really must try to eat a little each day, as you have enough on your plate without having an eating disorder.

As Kizzie says wholemeal toast, banana, crackers, handful of dried fruit, sliced up apple, yoghurt, in fact anything that you think you can manage.

kizzie sorry to hear of another blip - tbh after 3 good days I don't feel so good today so who knows what next. I might have said this on another thread so sorry if I have but I have found a really good book on Amazon called "Climbing out of depression" by Sue Atkinson - she is not a medic of any sort but someone who has suffered several episodes of depression through her life. Her description of how depression feels jumped off the page at me - it was so real. Also the fact that she talks of the climb, sort of reasures me that the ups and downs are normal for people like you and me, but mean we can't really control our lives doesn't it. Do yours have any triggers, mine don't seem to.

Mind I have a visit from cons psych tomorrow morning - a follow up probably to discharge me from "his books" and I am dreading it as he is not a nice man and has the social skills of a slug (the GP was more polite - she said he had absolutely no interpersonal skills) He intimidates me. I will tell him about the blips and ask if any upping meds could help, but am not expecting anything helpful from him.

Lets hope for better days and one day - maybe one day an end to all this - sometimes I can half believe that but on bad days not at all.

Love to you both NN xx

Maddie - am a bit worried that I mentioned the 'a' word in case this has annoyed or distressed you even more. I am sure you know that anorexia is nothing about food - it is a mental illness really because it gives people control over something, when they feel they have no control over anything else, which I am sure you are feeling.

My friend's daughter has anorexia and the dr sends her to a dietician who hands her a sheet telling her waht she should eat - she throws it away and I'm not surprised cus as she said "if she thinks that's going to help me she can piss off" (this girl has suffered abuse in her childhood from her mother's boyfriend)and it is this trauma that is causing her illness.

Maddie you don't need anything else to cope with - I realise we are doing what the dietician did, telling you what to eat, but we mean it for the best.

As you feel so alienated from everyone (as I do so much of the time on the bad days) I thought I would quote something from that book I mentioned:

"One of the very worst things about severe depression is the loneliness. That devastating feeling of total alienation from other living things in the universe. The intense mental pain and anxiety of isolation divides depression and despair from the much less painful experiences of difficuly and sadness that all of us suffer from time to time."

She also says "severe depression is like living on an alien planet. Like suddenly and unexpectedly becoming blind, deaf, dumb, paralysed and penniless. But because you are none of these things, the world expects you to cope. And no one can hear your cry. You can speak words but the world has no way to hear you. You are utterly terrified,you want to evaporate. You want out of life."

These words "spoke" to me as it was the best description I have heard. It does show that many many of us areout there suffering, but let's not despair because she also says "the one truth about depression is that it does end - eventually"

Good wishes to you both and any other sufferers.

NanaNina you did not annoy or distress me at all I appreciate every single word you write, and time you take to reply to me.

My doctor I think has started to notice and when I see her every 2 weeks she weighs me, or is that what they do with everyone on AD's and I am just being paranoid?

I know I have to eat but I really do enjoy the control I have over my eating and thinking about how to control my eating keeps my mind off of the suicidal thoughts sometimes, but then I give in and eat something when I have no energy or feel like I could pass out and that makes me angry with myself.
I don't think that I have an eating disorder though I just think its related to my depression (i think).

NanaNina, did you find your cpn helpful?

What kind of things did she do with you to make you get better?

Did she suggest you writing a journal and do you think it helps?

So sorry for asking so many questions lots of love x x x

OH so glad I haven't added to your worries Maddie. I think your gp has noticed and that is why he/she is weighing you because that is not something that is routinely done when you are on ADs although in hospital they did it once a week, but there were a lot of older people who did not want to eat and this was the reason for the weighing.

What you are saying abut enjoying the control you have over your eating and keeps your mind away from suicide, and then giving in and eating something makes you angry with yourself..............look I'm sorry love but this is a classic description of anorexia. It can be an eating disorder and related to your depression. I think you need to talk to your gp about this, but a lot of them aren't very well informed and start telling you how much you need to eat, instead of seeing it as a mental health issue. Sounds like your gp already has suspicions, so won't be surprised if you tell her about the good feeling of control you get when you don't eat. This can give rise to all sorts of physical illnesses too. My friend's daughter has recurring throat infections, gastro-enteritis and flue like illnesses. She is about 3 stone lighter than she should be for her height.

You ask about my CPN - she is a very warm and understanding young woman who has comforted me at my lowest points, and on one occasion when I was crying and shaking she rubbed my back and held my hand, but not normally. She hasn't really done anything to make me better because no-one can do this really. She has been a support really and someone I can phone when I am feeling mega anxious and can't stop crying and she just listens to me and quietly suggests what I can do, like get out of bed, have a shower, get something to eat, go for a little walk or phone a friend etc. I usually do what she says and it does make me feel very slightly better on a bad day. She doesn't have a magic bullet to make me better - if only!

I write in my journal but she didn't suggest it. I find writing down what I feel helps a little to getit out of my head (and stop me moaning too much to my DP) and gives me a bit of control over what is happening. I think it depends how you feel about it. I have always found writing things down is helpful, but not everyone does. My friend who has had depression used to draw or doodle all over the pages of a drawing book with a thick black pencil.

Do you feel comfortable with your CPN?
Do you feel you can confide in her?
If so, how about telling her about the not eating and the way that gives you control over yourself.

There are other (less harmful ways) of getting some control Maddie, and I reallythink you should get that book I mentioned from Amazon. I have read quite a lot of books on depression and this is the most useful one.

Take care Maddie and try to think of other ways of getting a bit of control in your life, rather than starving yourself. You need to talk this over with someone who understands and I think your CPN or GP would be a good start.

I'm not judging you Maddie, I just worry about you.
NN xx

Thank you NanaNina I'm going to try and not let it get out of hand I don't want them all to think I'm as ill as I really am x x x x x x x

Why not Maddie? Medics need to know how ill you are feeling, they aren't mind readers! Are you afraid of them thinking that you have an eating problem? There is a website called B eat which covers all kinds of eating disorders, so might be worth having a look. Take care of yourself Nxx

Im so scared I think they want me to go to hospital, Im frantic I feel like cancelling on everyone.

Today is black
The phone keeps ringing i think they are all coming to get me cant stop being sick I dont know what to do!!!

Oh Maddie - this sounds like your anxiety sky high again....no one has ever mentioned hospital to you have they. Believe me they are not looking for inpatients - they are more likely to be trying to keep people out of hospital (becasuse of the cost)

When you say cancelling everyone - who do you mean. Is your CPN coming today or do you have a drs appointment. Please try to calm down - lie down and put your hand on your upper belly and breathe in slowly and then breathe out very slowly and feel the rise and fall of your belly. Do you have an H or P Maddie - sorry can't remember. Is there anyone you could call for some support now. Please answer the phone - no one is "coming to get you" that is the anxiety talking to you.

I'll be here on and off all day to "talk" - N xx

Hi, im so sorry NanaNina for being such a pain, my cpn came out yesterday and she said she was very concerned and she asked me if I would consider going into hospital, which I said no to, just want to tell them all to leave me alone, I'm such a failure I hate this life!!!!!!!

I have a partner but I think he is beginning to get really fed up with me telling him I want to die x vx
so sorry x

Oh Maddie you aRE not a pain - you are going through the hell of severe depression and this MH thread is for us to support each other, because we kno what it feels like to be severely depressed.

If your CPN thinks that your depression is so severe that you need to be in hospital she will refer you to a conslt psychiatrist, who will assess you and maybe ask if you are willing to go into hospital, if that's what he/she thinks. Have you ever been in psych hospital before? As you probably know I have been in twice and the only thing I can say is that it means that you don't have to think about anything and that in itself can be a relief. It is quite boring but for me (both times) it was a relief that I didn't have to think about anything.

I know you have 4 young children Maddie. IF you agreed to go into hospital, do you have someone to care for them, as I guess that would be a big worry for you, but you know if you were involved in a road traffic accident or something similar and had to go into hospital, then someone would have to care for them.

I can understand your P getting fedup of hearingthat you want to die, mine gets quite cross when I say that as I think it scares him and people who haven't experiened depression can have no understanding of the feeling that we do actually want to die, well not so much that, we just want to evaporate or expire so as the pain will stop. Can't tell you the number of times I have gone to bed wishing for a heart attack in the night so I couldn't be blamed for taking my own life.

Incidentaly you are most definitely NOT a failure - that is what depression does to us, makes us think these things about ourselves that aren't true.

Would you go into hospital if the psych thought it necessary if you knew the children would we well cared for. It may be just the thing you need - to get away from the stresses and strains of caring for 4 young children and trying to cope with worsening depression. Alos it might make you feel better quicker because of the rest.

Would it be possible for your CPN to have a talk to your P to try to explain to him about severe depression and how it makes us want to die. I may have already said this, so sorry if I have, but I have just bought a book off Amazon called "Climbing out of Depression" by Sue Atkinson. She isn't a medic of any sort but she has been depressed several times. She describes depression as like being on an alien planet, struck blind, deaf, dumb, paralysed and penniless, and because we arre none of those things people can't see that that is how we feel. Certainly rang true for me.

Hope to hear from you again soon. Take care - you are worth it Maddie and you will one day recover and this will be a distant memory. NN xx

Hi NanaNina how r you?
The feelings I have just now is that they are trying to trick me into hospital.
I have never been in a psych hospital it just seems so scary.
My C.P.N wanted to bring someone out with her, (she said a medic)to assess me but I refused and now im too scared to answer the door, phone or watch the tv.

My true feelings are that I think I would really need to go to hospital, I need to get away from my children they are such hard work and I know they would be looked after by my OH because he does everything just now anyway.That sounds like I just cant be bothered with my children, but I dont want anything more than to enjoy being with them.
I have not told any of my family about this and they would be devastated if I got taken into hospital, they just dont really understand things like this and aren't very open with feelings and stuff.
Basically I think I need hospital, but worry too much what other people think and the fact that every
move i made would be watched ie eating which sends me into a panic.

Maddie love if you are afraid to watch the television something is seriously not going right and I think you need to let the CPN come out to you again. You know you need help and I'm glad you know that, but now you need to accept that help - so you can keep looking after the kids well .

Maddie - you have a lot of insight into your illness because you know that deep down you need to be in hospital, and it's small wonder that you can't care for 4 small children. At my worse I felt/and still do sometimes on bad days, that I can't cope with 2 cats!!

There is really no need to scared of psych unit - I have been in twice as you know and to be honest the main problem was boredom, expect that last time I was in last Easter there was a good occupational therapist who encouraged me to join in simple activities, relaxation, simple games etc which did help even on my worst days. It gave some sructure to the day and helped to divert me a little.

The thing that hospital will do for your Maddie is give you the space to just BE - and know that there are no expectations on you to do anything (other than co-operate with advice and take your meds)and no worries about other people seeing you look ill etc. To be honest none of the nursing staff really talked to the patients about their problems and that hadn't changed in 15 years (1st time I was in was 15 yrs ago)

Re eating - this is clearly an issue for you Maddie and yes I imagine they will be watching that you eat something (not huge amounts) but hopefully they will also understand that anorexia is not about eating it is about getting control.

As your OH looks after the children, you have no worries on that score. SO please agree to go into hospital if it's offered (only offered if there is a real clinical need) and it may help you to get better quicker. It was a huge relief to me on both occasions to go in cus I was really really scared at home and it sounds like home isn't a safe place for you at the moment.

As far as your family and "other people" not understanding about MH and psych units, I would just disregard this - it is their problem not yours. My sisters were the same (my parents were dead as they were older parents) they were too scared to visit me and when they finally did, one of them asked me how I came in the hospital - I didn't know what she meant and said "What do you mean" and she blushed and said "well did you come in a van and did any of the neighbours see you"!!!
I told her that my P drove me in the car! She clearly thought we were still in the age of men in white coats "coming to take you away" - the staff didn't wear uniform so at visiting time, visitors didn't know who were staff and who were patients and my sisters were totally amazed and asked "Are there any mad people in here" - I just laughed and said "no one is mad, but people are here because they have MH problems." This time around they did not visit again, and tbh I didn't want them to, but caught me in a state one time at home and scurried off as it scared them!! I was only crying, but quite loudly. There is still a huge amount ogf stigma around MH and I'm afraid we can't do much to change that.

Maddie - please go into hospital if it is offered, or tell your CPN that you will go in......please.

maddie04, i've just skim-read your post and wanted you to know that we're thinking of you and that you really aren't alone, no matter how bleak things might seem.

take a deep breath, just deal with the next second or minute and don't think about anything beyond that.

people are here to help you - you are poorly and you will get better if you let people look after you. you're a good person and you're going to get through this. you will have to dig deep but focus your energy on being well and looking after yourself. please keep talking and listen to what people have to say. it's going to be ok :)

Maddie - I have just re-read your last post, saying you think the medics are trick to trick you into going into hospital. No-one is trying to trick you - they are trying to help you. Believe me they would not even be thinking of hospital if it wasn't absolutely necessary. I am a little worried that you think that they are trying to trick you and are afraid of phone, door and TV - seems love that you are getting a bit worse, so you need to let the medics help. It will be the first step to getting back to the "old Maddie" - take lots of care and come back if you can to let us know how you are.

Hi Natsyloo!

Oh Maddie sorry I am typing too quick - should read on the first line "I have just re-read your last post, saying you think the medics are trying to trick you into going into hospital.

how do i know who do beleive

Maddie - I think you need to believe your CPN and any doctors involved in your care. I think everyone on here will be urging you to get the help and support that you need as you are not in a good place now. So you can believe RL people and MNs, all of whom will be trying to help you get better. Sometimes you can get so poorly that you don't believe that people are trying to help you and you may not realise that till you do start to get better.