Calling Maddie 04!

[NanaNina]

Hi Maddie - hope you don't think I'm stalking you but you left 2 sad faces (well I think that's what they were) a while ago and no text. Just wondering how you are - hope you're feeling better than me as I am having a ghastly time at the moment. Can you come back and let me know?

Stick with it Maddie - I know you're exhausted but your CPN can help make things better - she really can. Sometimes you have to allow other people to help you even if it seems like you want to handle it on your own.

The more support you get, the better you'll feel. big hugs xx

For what its worth Maddie I think think youve probably got a good 'un there with your CPN. Shes obviously quite perceptive - and trying to do the best for you.

Good idea to write the list - and try to give it to her if you can x

Hi Maddie - your CPN is obviously concerned about you and that is why she is making more regular visits. It seems like she knows anyway that you are really suffering even if you say everything is fine.

As others have said,is it possible for your H to be around when she comes so he can tell her how poorly you have been feeling.

Do the list if you can but if it's just another ordeal don't worry about it.

We are all here knowing you are having a really tough time, and will stay with you and offer whatever suspport we can, because we care about you.

Take good care and come back soon......NN xx

Hi NN you sound so down in your reply (sorry if im wrong)I hope you are ok xx
Im so sorryif you feel you have to reply to me all the time and I am making you feel worse I dont want to make anyone feel bad

Love Maddie x x

Oh Maddie - I am not down at the moment so sorry if my post sounded like that. You see what a caring person you are because you are worrying about how others feel, when you are feeling crap.

Look Maddie I don't feel I have to reply to you all the time. I try to keep up with you because I want to - because I feel for you because I know how horrible depression is and how tough things are for you at the moment. You are not making anyone feel bad Maddie - you need to try to stop worrying about making people angry or making people feel bad.

Give yourself a break love and think of you and what you need to get better. Your self esteem is very low (and small wonder after such a traumatic childhood) and depression makes us feel hopeless and unworthy and wonder why anyone bothers with us (I have felt this loads of times). You are worthy of being cared about - truly.

Let us know how you get on with your CPN tomorrow.

Love NN xx

I will let you know thank you NN
You make me cry (in a really good way lol)
Take care x x x

Bless you Maddie, you're so hard on yourself. Keep us updated with your CPN visit. The sun is shining here and the spring flowers are out...it brings hope. xxx

Thank you natsyloo I will let you know, she is coming at 1, sun is shining here too take care of yourself x x x x xlove Maddie x x x

How are things Maddie - was the CPN helpful at all. I am not harrassing you but I am trying to show that I want to know how you are! NN xx

Hi NN things are ok I managed to tell her today more than I have ever told her I just said the first couple of things and everything else seemed to follow.
I told her that I feel im at a loss and want to end it!!!!!
She is very nice and said she knew I was struggling and that she is going to give me more support and that she is going to see about my medication as it might not be working for me...........

When she left though I felt awful, like I had done something wrong and Im worried about what she thought about me. I never mentioned anything about my eating but she said she can see my eating has been affected and commented on my weight. Arrggghhh

The only thing is though that I wasn't entirely truthful about EVERYTHING and I worry that Im the cause of me not managing to feel better, don't even know if I could admit it on here as I dont want anyone to think bad of me!!

I feel like I'm asking for problems by doing what I'm doing but don't know how to stop this xxxxxxxx

WOW - well done Maddie - it will help your CPN to help you now that you have started to tell her how you are feeling. Really glad that she is going to give you more support and check you medication to see that it is working - it might need to be increased or changed.

PLEASE Maddie don't worry about what she thought about you. It is her job to support people struggling with mental health problems, and you won't have told her anything that she hasn't heard before. I'm glad she noticed your weight (I know you didn't like this) but it is an issue that needs sorting isn't it.

It doesn't matter that you weren't truthful about everything, the main thing is you have been able to say more than ever before and now that you have started, it will be easier next time. Maddie when we are depressed we all think that we should be able to do something to make ourselves better (it's one of the symptoms) and I certainly felt that and stil do when the blips come.

You are still worrying about people thinking bad of you and again this is something that we feel when we are depressed. It's a really really horrid and deceitful illness, because it makes us think things that aren't true.

SO glad you are going to get more support and your meds checked. Also it sounds like you like your CPN which is great. I like mine too but she is moving to another part of the country in 2 months. I will really miss her - she is going to transfer me but I don't think I will be able to connect with anyone else, but we'll see.

Try to have as good a weekend as you can. Don't know what part of the country you are in - I'm in the West Midlands and it's going to be sunny tomorrow. Hope you can get some fresh air and a few rays of sun. Oh and Maddie (still nagging you!) how much (or little) are you eating ..........please try to eat a little........sending love and warm wishes NN xx

Everything you say is so right I wish I could just pack up everything you say (or even you) and carry it about so i could look at it from time to time lol

Im in Scotland NN and it mostly rains but if it is sunny tomorrow I might try and get out with my kids I think they would like that......

To be truthful im not really eating that much but im going to try tomorrow and have lunch (as a family)
hopefully I will succeed and not be a failure

I hope you get a nice CPN and can get along with her/him and I know you must be worried about it, that whole feeling of letting someone new in but you are such a wonderful person that in sure you will xx

Hope you have a lovely weekend too NN speak soon xxxxx love maddie x x x

Maddie - thats really great that youve been open with the CPN . I know it must have been a really big thng for you x

Thanks Kizzie, hope you are well xxxxxxxxx

Oh Maddie - you wouldn't want to pack me up if you saw me in a blip, crying, shaking, not wanting anyone to see me etc - sure you know all aboutit.
I think what you are saying though is that you want to be looked after instead of looking after others and when we are depressed and vulnerable this is exactly what we want, someone to make us better, care about us like when we were kids. Mind that's probably all the more difficult for you Maddie cus I think you had a traumatic childhood didn't you. Trouble is as adults we have to try to cope as best as we can, though sometimes when I'm in a blip I feel about 6 again. I have become very dependent on my CPN. I'm glad you seem to like yours too and you may just be able to start to trust her a bit? and let her help you to cope.

I hope you had your family meal and got a bit of air but if your didn't it doesn't mean you are a failure it just means that you weren't ready to do it, and will do it another time.

I can still remember the actual words used in my references for my social work training beause they were so complimentary and I think of them sometimes when I am low. I think this is more common than we think really. When I was a team manager in social services I used to give my team a small present at Christmas but with a big label and I used to write nice things about them on the label. One day someone mentioned that when she felt low she went and read the label, and then others started saying the same thing. I had no idea they kept them, but glad they used them when they were low.

So what I can do Maddie is PM you with some nice thingd about you so you can look at them sometimes. I was bit disappointed you lived so far away in Scotland as I had had fantasies about us meeting one day, but on the other hand I think it is probably why MN works so well, cus we are anonymous and can say what we like on these threads, especially the MH threads.

Re your eating problems, as I'm sure you know anorexia is not about food, it is about control as you have said yourself and is actually a type of mental illness (though most people don't understand this) so it may be something your CPN could help you with if you let her. My friend's grand daughter is suffering from anorexia and she has been seeing a counsellor which has helped a fair bit. The GP just sent her to a dietician who sent her off with a list of what she should be eating!! Doh!

Had a nice day y'day and saw my son and dil and lovely gr/dght and sat in the sun in the garden. Today is grey and I've not been inspired to do much.

When is your CPN coming again Maddie - I hope that now the flood gates have been opened you will be able to tell her more (as much as you feel able anyway) and I'm glad she is giving you more support and reviewing your meds.

Take good care and will keep in touch Love NN xx

First of all NN I would like to say thank you so much for all the wonderful advice you have gave me and to let you know I definately would 'pack you up' no matter how you were feeling even if it was for me too help you out a little.
My childhood wasn't the best NN because of my dad but I just need to make sure that my children have all the emotional love and support that they deserve which is why I am determined to try and get better for them!!!!!!!!!!!!

What a lovely thing to have done for your staff you must of been wonderful to work with and the PM sounds like a lovely Idea, I find it lovely to think that you will manage to find nice things to write about me and send them to me.
If one day I manage to recover I know that alot of what you have done for me will be the reason I will be feeling better.

NN I hope I have expressed how much i appreciate your help and everything you have done for me and yes, its such a shame we live so far apart but you never know how life and meetings will turn out.

My CPN is coming out on Wednesday, and yes I get on with her and she is helping me a great deal, but on Wed I will be telling her of the support I have had on here, which has helped me a great deal to work better with her.

Take care of yourself NN and we will talk soon. hopefully you definately keep in touch x x x x

Hi Maddie - you most certainly have expressed how much you appreciate my help - you include it in every post! It's lovely to hear you say you want your children to have all the emotional love and support that they need, and that is why you are determined to try and get better for them (that needs adding to the list of why you are so nice!)

I honestly can't recall what you said in another post about your childhood - was it your dad that criticised you a lot and left you with low self-esteem. How was your r/ship with your mom? Do you have brothers/sisters. Sorry don't mean to bombard you with questions, just wondering.

It's ll.30 so off to bed - will be interested to know how your visit with your CPN goes on Wed. Am I right in thinking you are picking up a little bit - you sound like you might be?

Course I will keep in touch.....love NN xx

Maddie it sounds like you are a lovely mum and your children are lucky to have you. You have all the best intentions and that's an incredible part of getting better.

Don't forget you're not alone - we're all at different places along the same path to recovery.

hugs and spring sunshine xx

Hi Maddie - remembered that your CPN was coming today - how did it go, and how are you feeling. Did you manage to talk more to your CPN and has she checked whether your meds are right/right dose for you.

Did you get my PM list of nice things about you? Have you had a bit of sun up in bonny Scotland. Thinking of you Maddie and hoping you are a bit better, or at least getting through day by day. Love NN xx

Hi NN I'm so ashamed to write this but my cpn came out today and I lasted ten mins with her................
Don't know what the hell is the matter with me I just wanted her to leave told her I didn't want anything to do with anything but I don't think that was what I wanted. It's as if I start getting somewhere then throw it all away im going crazy, so I have had the day from utter hell and having to wake up tomorrow makes me feel sick!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Never got your list NN, don't know what's happened there sorry xxxxx

I hope you are keeping okay today NN take care xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Maddie you're taking really really big steps and don't underestimate how brave and courageous that makes you.

The important thing is your CPN now knows more about how you're feeling and she will not be judging you. The feeling of wanting her to leave is just part of being depressed and feeling you can't or shouldn't open up.

Remember, the key is baby steps. Don't punish yourself for not always doing things 'perfectly' - the main thing is you're heading in the right direction and you've acknowledged you need help. That is so so positive, hold on to that fact.

I can tell from your posts that you are a very kind and caring person, you send such lovely messages to other people despite suffering your own personal issues - that's such a commendable thing you know.

Meant to tell you - my article was published yesterday and I've had TONS of fantastic messages from friends and people I barely know about how brave I've been and how important it is to speak up about mental health. The thing is, I don't feel brave at all...I just want to help people like you as I know how horrible it is to be lost.

Keep posting, keep reading the nice messages and take care chick xxxx

Thanks Natsyloo xxxxx

That's great about your article it must have taken so much strength for you to do it but I bet your glad you did!!!
Natsyloo you are very brave and by doing the article you have probably helped people more than you know!!!!!!

It is a very horrible feeling when you have depression and I know for one that the help I have received on here from yourself, and others has helped me kepp going Take care of yourself and keep me posted on how things are going xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hi Maddie - I can only echo what Natsy has said, but I am surprised that the CPN left after 10 mins - is that what you meant. You musn't be ashamed Maddie - you are going through a very tough time. Is the CPN coming back on Friday - if so you will have another chance to tell her how confused you are about the whole business and your contact with her, but it would be good if you can tell her you do need her help, even if you sometimes say you don't (if you see what I mean)

Sorry you didn't get my list Maddie. Will do it again but not tonight because I have had a flat, crap day and have only just started to feel vaguely human. I made myself go for a walk in the sun but in the park everyone seemed so happy and smiling and I felt really envious (hate to admit this because I am not an envious person) and called on my lovely friend but she was not in. I am especially upset because I was just daring to hope that the increased meds had done the trick - and I've been taking them for nearly 4 weeks so should have kicked in by now. Maddie I know exactly what you mean about the thought of waking up tomorrow making you feel sick. I feel like that too at the moment. Keep on keeping on......love and thoughts NN xx

Hi Natsy - glad about your article and the response - you deserved it though for being brave enough to "go public" and help reduce the stigma of mental illness. Talk again when I am feeling more human. NN x

Just a quick message to say - maddie dont be hard on yourself. Its all really difficult- just take it one step a a time. Do you think you might feel up to maybe writing to her - so that you dont have to actually say it?

NN - hope tomorrow is much much better.

natsy - would be great to read your article. Could yuo maybe cut and past it with any identfying bits taken out of it ? Well done for doing it x

Maddie - where are you! How are you today? Did the CPN come again today. I am still not good but bit better than yesterday. Please come and tell us how you are and maybe a bit more about the CPN visit. Did you actually tell her to leave. Unless you did, she should not have left in 10 mins in my opinion. If you did, maybe you could phone and tell her that you didn't actually mean that but you are finding it really hard to accept help.

Thinking of you ......Love NN xx