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Original poster

Calling Maddie 04!

275 replies

NanaNina · 23/02/2011 15:16

Hi Maddie - hope you don't think I'm stalking you but you left 2 sad faces (well I think that's what they were) a while ago and no text. Just wondering how you are - hope you're feeling better than me as I am having a ghastly time at the moment. Can you come back and let me know?

OP posts:
natsyloo · 04/03/2011 21:13

Maddie I know you're confused and scared and it's hard to know what to believe when your head is so cluttered and busy.

Nobody is tricking you, they really want to help you. I promise you that's all there is to it. Please try and understand that. People care about you and want you to feel better :)

Original poster
NanaNina · 04/03/2011 23:35

MADDIE - where are you - we are worried - are you ok? AS natsyloo says people do care about you and we want to be as supportive as possible, even though it can only be through posts on these threads. Pop back to say Hi if you can - don't feel pressured though. Take it steady and we are thinking about you. NNxx

OP posts:
maddie04 · 05/03/2011 00:00

Hi Im so sorry to worry you , you are all so nice I just dont deserve it, I have basically been sleeping since thursday night the urge to end it all is overwhelming and I cant be around anyone including my children because they are all looking at me funny and i can see in their faces what they think of me, why wont my body just give in.
My cpn had to cancel coming on monday and is coming on tues and im going to tell her i want to die i wish someone would say that it was ok for me to go!!!!!

Cant sleep anymore dont know if the things im seeing or hearing are in my dreams or in real life x x x x x

natsyloo · 05/03/2011 09:43

Oh sweetie, it sounds like you're having a really rough time but you need to ask for help as soon as poss if you can. Why don't you call the samaritans and explain how you feel?

Can I also massively reassure you that you DO deserve help - I can see that a part of you knows that as you're telling us about it which is good. This is what the illness does - I've felt the same about not deserving help or being worthy so it's really not just you...but if you get help it will get better and you can have your life back.

Your children love you and you are hugely important to them. You're absolutely central to their lives> if you need a reason to focus and hang on in then make that one of them (there are many I promise you).

You can ring the Samaritans on 08457 90 90 90.

I hope that helps - stick with it xxxx

kizzie · 05/03/2011 14:34

maddie - just to say too - I know youve got your appointment on tuesday with CPN - but if that ends up being too far away dont feel guilty about just turing up at A&E. You absolutely deserve help and support x

Original poster
NanaNina · 05/03/2011 15:46

Hi MADDIE - don't feel worried about not coming onMN although I know I asked you to if you could. Believe me I have felt just like you are describing yourself and prayed (and still do sometimes) for a heart attack in the night. You must tell your CPN about your suicidal feelings because this means that your depression is very severe. As Kizzie says you can go to A & E and a dr will assess you and send for crisis team if necessary.

I'm not feeling good today and have not long forced myself out of bed...............its' the depression telling us "we are not worth it" - everytime I have a row of bad days I feel that and today I am trying to resist the urge to phone my lovely friend because I am sure she must have had enough of me. She always says she hasn't but we can't believe we are worthy of anything when we feel so bad can we.

Let us know how you get on with the CPN next Tues.

Sending warm wishes and hope you are at least warm and cosy under your duvet cus it's a cold grey day here - which fits my mood. Take care love - we must believe that one day all this will be over for us.

Oh meant to say I know that thing about not knowing what is going on in yourhead is when you are awake or asleep - I get wierd phrases that don't make any sense going on in my head, and I don't know whether i'm awake or asleep. Tell your CPN about that too Maddie.

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maddie04 · 06/03/2011 23:23

I hope you are ok NanaNina and have a good week you so deserve it xxxxxxxxx

Thank you Kizzie and Natsyloo xxxxxxxxxx

I have stopped taking my medication because im not sure, but I think they are whats making me ill everyday
I take them I want to die so it must be them just got to find the courage to tell my cpn so scared hopefully i will be better soon xxxxx maddie x x

Original poster
NanaNina · 06/03/2011 23:52

Oh Maddie - I'm really not sure that stopping the meds is a good idea. It may be the depression that's making you ill, rather than the drugs. It is certainly the depression that is making you want to die, NOT the drugs. You must believe that Maddie.

Do you feel any better when not taking the meds.

Tell your CPN on Tuesday what is going on with you Maddie - make a list - just few words like this

-want to die
-think the meds are making me ill
-I didn't getout of bed for 4 days
-have no interest in anything
-can't care for my children

and anything else that you feel. He or she will have heard about people with depression wanting to die hundreds of times before, so you won't be telling them anything new. SO please please tell him or her everything. You really do need more help and support because you deserve it too, YES you do, even though you don't believe it because the depression "talks" to us and tells us these things.

Take care Maddie - will be away from next Wed till Sun but will be in touch when back.

OP posts:
maddie04 · 07/03/2011 00:02

Thank you im going to tell her everything
I need her help

I feel a little more alive now that i have stopped them like i know what im thinking, I get the urge to pack my stuff empty bank account and go a great big holiday, doesnt last for long but at least im feeling something x x x x x x

I hope you are going somewhere lovely take care and thank you x x x x x x

kizzie · 07/03/2011 10:02

Hi MAddie - just to back up what Nana nina has said - its really important that you tell the CPN everything. Including re. your medication.

Have a good few days Nana Nina.

maddie04 · 07/03/2011 10:21

Im scared but im going to she will probably be angry but surely i should be in control of it xxxxx

Original poster
NanaNina · 07/03/2011 23:35

Maddie - your CPN will not be angry. There is no reason for her to be angry. You are only thinking this because of how depressed you are. I was exactly the same as you when I was severely depressed and was terrified that drs and nurses would be angry with me, or think I was just attention seeking - it's another sympton of this deceitful illness. Your CPN is a professional person and understands mental health issues. She chose this as a career, and will have seen many many people suffering from all kinds of MH problems - you will be helping her to help you if you tell her everything.

I am not going somewhere "lovely" exactly Maddie - but I am going to see my grandchildren in Ireland so it will be lovely (so long as the blips leave me alone for a few days) Thanks to you too Kizzie.

OP posts:
natsyloo · 08/03/2011 09:04

Hi Maddie, Just wanted to say hope your CPN visit goes ok today. Remember what NanaNina said about telling her everything - you only need a couple of bullet points but it's important she knows how you feel.

Keep us posted - we're thinking of you x

maddie04 · 08/03/2011 12:41

Well its official I am a total failure.

Never told my cpn anything just couldn't get the words out.
I am now stuck in the house with my kids driving me insane cant take much more I feel like im just a burden to them, need to go to sleep forever, really dont know how I can carry on xx

Original poster
NanaNina · 08/03/2011 13:18

Maddie - you are not a failure - you are overwhelmed. Where is your OH today as he usually looks after the children doesn't he.

PLEASE phone the CPN and ask her for another visit as you didn't tell her how bad you are really feeling

What did you talk about and did she offer any advice - check up on your meds or anything at all? Did she give you another appt.

Go on Maddie - phone her or leave a message for her and say you kept a lot back this morning and you need to see her again, urgently. It doesn't matter if you cry on the phone - I've done that manytimes to my CPN.

Come on Maddie - pick up that phone and come back and tellus you've done it - please. Come back whether you've done it or not though cus so manyof us are caring about you.

OP posts:
madmouse · 08/03/2011 13:29

Maddie please do what NanaNina says

maddie04 · 08/03/2011 14:27

Im still trying to find the courage to phone her but im just wanting to tell them all to leave me be and forget about it.

My cpn is coming back next week but i dont think i can do it anymore im wasting so many peoples time.

my oh is at work and my thoughts are spiralling

madmouse · 08/03/2011 14:41

maddie please do what NanNina says

Original poster
NanaNina · 08/03/2011 15:08

Maddie - it's now 3.00 pm - it will only take a few minutes because if your CPN isn't there, you will have to leave a message to ask for an urgent visit.

You only think you aren't worth bothering about because that is what depression tells us - it's one of the horrid tricks it plays on us. I know cus I've felt that so many times.

You are worth helping Maddie and don't forget these people (drs and cpns etc) are paid to do the job and they chose to do it. You won't be telling your cpn anything she hasn't heard before - honestly. I wonder if you won't open up because you think she will be angry with you - she won't, but I understand that because I felt like that at my worst and when my DP sent for the dr I was near hysterical, apologising for calling him out etc etc and he was lovely and told me to stop apologising. It's anoth trick that depression plays on us.

Will check back in a little later and see if you have managed it. Madmouse is caring about you too.
GO FOR IT Maddie....NN xx

OP posts:
kizzie · 08/03/2011 16:11

Please ring the CPN Maddie - its really important x

Original poster
NanaNina · 08/03/2011 18:14

MADDIE - maybe you will be able to make that call tomorrow, but if not make a promise to yourself that you will tell the CPN next time you see her.

In the meantime, try to take care of yourself as much as you can. Back Sunday and will be beack to see how you are.

OP posts:
natsyloo · 08/03/2011 18:16

hi maddie, i can completely understand how you feel overwhelmed by the way you feel - you say you think you're not worth it but you know what, you totally are.

i think you're really brave - it takes such courage to deal with depression. believe me, we know how rotten it can be. try and remember that we also have first hand experience of this horrible illness - we too have felt lost, empty, despairing and unable to face the future.

you have to believe that we're advising you because we've been to the bottom and there is a way back - i promise.

even if you find it impossible to believe in yourself right now - let others believe in you. we all know you can do it and we're here right with you, every step.

now re-read the posts, let the words sink in and give your cpn a ring. xxx

maddie04 · 08/03/2011 21:51

I never managed to phone today I am just wanting to cancel, right now the easy option is just to hide away from the world, I've not ate in 3 days and have no energy whats so ever but food makes me sick to even look at it, and the same feelings towards my children and OH.

im so sorry to disappoint all you lovely people who are trying to help me so sorry x x x x

madmouse · 08/03/2011 23:06

just like you're not making your CPN angry you are not disappointing us. We just want to help you take care of yourself and that way take care of your children.

Try to reach out - please

natsyloo · 09/03/2011 08:42

Maddie, in no way are you disappointing us-and we won't stop listening because we care. Find the courage to make the call, please. Do it for yourself and your children. If you let yourself be helped it will get better. You can do it x