Lelarose Desperately Depressed #2

[thatsnotmymonkey]

Hi Lela, I hope this is OK, come over here. We will all be here for you. xx

Hi Lelarose, I know this is going to be really unpopular, but have you considered having him adopted? Maybe if you are that convinced that you won't cope, adoption might be the solution? You so need to wait till he's born though, and then re-evaluate your feelings :) Are you seeing a counsellor at all? You certainly need to talk to someone professional about the way you're feeling....xxx

Kibbutz83 - not sure if you've read this and the previous thread, sorry if you have, but Lela really doesn't want to adopt and is getting lots of professional help in RL. She's been on an amazing journey and has done really well to get so far. The last few weeks are proving hard. She has a lovely DP so adoption really not an option and would not make her feel better.

Hi, Lela, poppymouse speaks sense. I didn't feel maternal towards any child before I had my first, so you're doing well to feel maternal at all! I just felt rubbish towards the end. Please don't think about your own worst-case scenario. You will have a little baby who will know your voice and love you for it. How you feel after the birth is something you can face then - not now! Surviving the now is the most important thing and you are doing so well.

Hugs xx

kibbutz what do you suggest I tell my partner (who knows nothing about my feelings or indeed that we're definately having a boy)? Should I tell him I only want our child if its a girl and as its not I'm giving it to someone else? Or should I make up another reason do you think- before or after the birth? Or do I just leave my child in the hospital and run away?

And when I've lost him and my child and had to explain this to my friends and family what method of suicide do you suggest I use? I'd like something quick and painless, I'm totally serious, your suggestions are most welcome.

Because I already dont want to live anymore, and then there is nothing left to lose is there.

Yes I am seeing a counsellor, and a psychiatrist and i have asked to be admitted to hospital for my mental health. And no I am not afraid of being happy, I'm terrified of how I'm feeling right now.

This is EXACTLY why I was scared to start a new thread.

There are enough of us here who've been with you from the beginning - ignore everyone else. We know how awful you're feeling at the moment but we've also seen how far you've come, the ups and downs. You can get through this and you will. Thinking of you xx

Was thinking - would reading Tethersend's post from earlier counteract Kibbutz's?

You perhaps don't want to read anything at the mo.

Just want you to know I'm still here though.

No no no no no I've had enough now i just cant do this anymore.

I need to take my own life after the birth its the only way out I just keep thinking of what that will do to my partner I cant bear to think of hurting him like that, I love him so much. I just literally cant go on feeling like this its become unbearable

Thank you all for trying to support me I'm sorry I never got any better.

Lela, can you phone your BF tonight? I know it's late, but, if you were my best friend I'd want to know you felt like this. Things often feel worse at night when there's no one to talk to. If you go to the mother and baby unit (sorry - can't remember the exact term but you know the one I mean) then you will have help and can rest, then decide what to do. That's a little way off yet, I know, but you could formula feed (allowing others to feed baby - I did this and it really helped). You could get to know baby gradually and in your time. there would be no pressure. Then your DP could see how you really feel about having a boy and you can talk, face to face about it. that will be so much better than on the phone.

You have time, Lela, and you can have as much support then as you need. For tonight, just breathe, think only of getting through until tomorrow and I'll check in by 11am.

Your DP and his family can look after baby while you get help. They will all want you around so please don't think of dying; that would be too terrible for words. You are ill and can get better, just not overnight.

And remember, we don't want you to get better for us, you don't have to do anything for us. It's for you.

If you need to go the special unit could you phone tonight? Please phone someone in RL if you can. Wish I could pop round myself.

DP loves you. He will want you to be happy; talk to him after you've had the baby, please don't hide from him then.

You never know - it's STILL possible for you to hold your baby and go, "wow! A baby! Look what I've done! Hello, baby, look at the sun / rain / gorgeous anaesthetist" (I had one of those. He wasn't seeing at my best, but hey, what the heck!

Hang on in there xxx

I'm really sorry Lelarose, I wasn't trying to upset you, I just don't understand what you want the other mums to say, and how can people support you if you don't tell them what's going on inside of you? Anyway I won't bother you again,I can't deal with this site anymore :( Got so many of my own problems, and this isn't the right place to do that :( Making me worse :( x I wish you luck Lela

We understand how you are feeling, we understand you are ill and that you can and will get better, in time, maybe a fair bit of time but slowly and surely with lots of support you will get there.

Has the nurse been to see you that you mentioned before?

My DH was abroad for most of my pregnancy so I understand that feeling of aloneness, that is really hard to deal with when you are not pregnant and these last few weeks really are rubbish for anyone.

Hang on in there Lela xx

Hi, just checking in. Hope you feeling better today xx

lela - you can and will get through this. Read tethers' post again, please. You know that you can't hurt your partner, so you and he together, will all the support that your friend, and all of us can give you. Get into a M&B unit after the birth, and know that others have been exactly where you are and come out the other side.

I know it's hell right now, lela, but you can and will get through this. Hang on, just hang on.

is there no-one from Mn who lives local to Lela who would be willing and able to support her in RL and help her through this,eg going to her apts with her,listening to her worries etc ? Does anyone know where she lives? I am in the south west,where is everyone else situated ?

kibbutz sorry you are having a terrible time. I hope you don't feel like we have closed ranks on you, it is just that this is a continuation of a thread that got full, and Lela has been posting on here for a very long time, so there is a history there. WE know you mean well. Adoption is not an option for Lela.

Please stay on MN, there is room for everyone. Lots of other threads out there!

mummylin I am SW too, where are you?

I think Lela is worried about "revealing" too much online. Try private message?

lela, we are here for you, and you have come so far. Stick with us .

lela hope you are ok.

Please come back.

thatsnotmymonkey i live in Bournemouth

is there anyway that we can compile a list of people in different areas that lela could see and then maybe she could get in touch with anyone who is near her.Or is this a stupid idea ?

Lela, Hope you're OK. You can do this. Honestly you can. There are options after the birth - you will have lots of different things that you can try. Might not be an instant success but an infinitely better way out of your feelings than anything else - for you, DP and everyone around you. Just not being pg anymore might be a relief in itself, the secrecy won't be an issue, you just don't know what you'll feel when you first see the baby and you'll have full access to more efficient drugs and therapy/M&B unit. I think you can't see any light at the end of the tunnel because you're ill at the moment. But its completely clouding any reasonable paths that are open to you. You can't see them, but they are there. There are other paths to take. One minute at a time.

I don't know, but sometimes it helps to make yourself think of something else (you have permission to slap me if this is idiotic..)

What are you doing right this moment?
I'm staring out at a drizzly day and having a cup of tea. My hands are freezing!

What did you have for brekky/lunch?
Bugger all - too hectic/ham sarnie

How did you meet your DP?
I met mine at uni.

Lela,

Just big hugs, don't know what else to say. You have got better, it has not all been better, but there have been times you have been getting better. It might be easier after the birth (it might not, we'll still be and you will have choices then) but you never know.

Hi Lela,

Just checking in. Come and talk to us, please.

Hey Lela - thinking of you. I'm in the Sheffield area if that's local to you - message me xx

Thanks for all your messages.

I dont live anywhere near any of you but thanks - I couldn't impose on you in RL anyway but thanks for the thought.

I'm in a really bad place and I guess its easy to see why someone would think I should have my child adopted. Just makes me feel like I'm living inside a nightmare.

I wake up (far too early) in the morning and tell myself I can do this, I can get through the birth (which in my head is now a scene out of a horror film), I can act happy when they say its a boy. I can pretend when I tell people that this is what I wanted, I can forget about wanting a girl. I can go through the motions, pretend to love and enjoy this child, fake an interest in all his little boy stuff and call him a name I dont really like but have to settle for.

Then I drag myself through the day, exhausted and scared and sometimes do stuff like make a will, just in case I cant do all that to make sure nothing goes to anyone but my dp and baby.

Sorry to be so morbid, its just I'm hanging on by a thread here and I really just want out of my life. I'm not really bothered if people think thats selfish- because I know from experience that its far more selfish to make your children suffer due to your mental health. My partner is lovely, he will meet someone else and my child will have a better life than if they'd had to live with me as a mother with all this shit in my head.

I watched a documentary about women who only have boys and are desperate for daughters and one of them said that her greatest fear is that the longing never goes away and she just becomes bitter and that pretty much sums it up. Everything is black right now, and to be honest the thought that I can look forward to being admitted to a mother and baby unit and possibly taking different drugs (preventing me breastfeeding my child which I would have liked to do to at least try and get something right) isnt really enough to pull me out of this.

Sorry again to all of you and thanks for thinking of me.

Thanks for posting, lela. I think you have so many fears and worries crowding into to each other that it's no wonder you feel crushed by it. But try to remember that your fears are just that - fears. They are not premonitions. You're not psychic, you don't know the future. I'll bet that if you had asked tethers at 37 weeks pregnant she'd have sworn she'd never get used to a baby of the "wrong" gender, she's always be bitter and miserable, and wouldn't have believed you had you said that she'd actually be out and out happy in the future.

But she is. And that is a genuine and real possibility - likelihood, in fact - for you. Don't cheat yourself out of it before giving it a chance to happen. yes, maybe your dp would meet someone, but it wouldn't be you, and it's you he wants. Give yourself and him that chance to be happy - it has happened for other people who feel just like you, and it can and will happen for you. Your head is so crowded by hormones, exhaustion, the end of pregnancy weariness on top of all the stuff that your childhood did to you. But the birth will be over soon, and you'll look back and see that it's something that you knew deep inside how to do, and your kind mw will be there, guiding you through.

And then - well, yes, there may be interim stuff like M&B and better ADs - but they're not what's really out there for you. What's really there is this real, extraordinary little individual, who's part of you, who will lie on your chest and feel warm and soft and smell amazing.

There are other ways to not let people suffer because of your mental health. You can get help, and treatment, and work to get past this. I know you're exhausted, I know it feels like it's too hard, but it's worth it, it's worth every last clawing hold with your nails. You have to believe this, and give your family the chance to be like tethers', to be like BeerTrick's - in a way to be like mine, or to be like people who've been through terrible PND - there are thousands of women who recognise your pain, lela, but who are on the other side of it now. And you'll get there too.

Just wanted to add - don't know if you remember the analogy my clin psych friend came up with about the supermarket shelves, and depression greying out everything other than what's right in front of you? Just because your illness isn't allowing you to see other possible futures doesn't mean they don't exist. Please try and trust others when they - we - tell you that there are other futures waiting for you, and they're brighter and lovelier than you can imagine right now, if you can just ride this out.