Lelarose Desperately Depressed #2

[thatsnotmymonkey]

Hi Lela, I hope this is OK, come over here. We will all be here for you. xx

lela, just wanted to post as you could be describing my feelings when I found out the sex of my (first and as yet only) baby. It was a girl. Words cannot describe how much I wanted a boy; I was devastated. It's not something you can admit to in many circles; hardly any in fact.

I now know I was suffering from ante-natal depression. All my fears and anxieties about having a child were projected onto the gender of the baby. I hated, hated women who were pregnant with boys as I so desperately wanted one. I didn't like girls and, like you, felt that my life was ruined. I too thought that I would never accept it.

I had counselling with the ante-natal counsellor attached to the hospital; I'm afraid I haven't read the whole thread so don't know if you are already receiving specialist ante-natal counselling; but you need it and you should be receiving it. Speak to your midwife. Interestingly, my counsellor said that she had seen lots of couples, particularly mothers who had experienced gender disappointment after years of infertility, miscarriages and IVF. In a way, she said that they had had more time to construct an image of 'their child' in their head, and had naturally ascribed it a gender. most commonly, the imagined child was a girl and they were pregnant with twin boys. I was green with envy at the thought of them having boys. I felt like a failure who had spoiled my life.

I also had to face up to a lot of issues of my own- including my own relationship with my mother and issues I had with my own gender. It was my biggest soul-search to date, and one I am very glad I did- there are positives to feeling the way you do in terms of getting to know yourself and dealing with issues before your baby is born, even if you can't see or feel them now.

At a growth scan at 34 weeks they found out that DD was breech, so I opted for an elective cs; a decision which I was happy with.

And then she was born... and she wasn't a boy, but she wasn't 'a girl' either. She was mine. She was an Angie.

I still felt disappointed, but every day the disappointment lessened and was replaced by love for her. It wasn't an instantaneous process, but I fell utterly and hopelessly in love with her in a way which I could not have anticipated. You cannot know how you will feel once your baby is born; don't try, it's impossible. Just know that you will love him, and you will love him a thousand times more than your imagined daughter. Have faith in that.

I am now in a place where I would not swap her for any other child of either gender, and would quite happily have another girl and feel my family was complete. I genuinely don't mind what gender my next (as yet fictitious) child will be.

If you want to message me, please feel free- I know how it feels to be disappointed with your unborn baby's gender and the implications for your own mental health.

Sorry, that was long.

great post, tethers.

And thanks, zam. We are, really, genuinely, properly happy in a way I could not have believed possible - and, in truth, would have resisted most bitterly - five years ago.

Hello, Lela. How are you doing today? x

I'm pretty exhausted,thank you so much for asking- have been awake since 4.30 am due to stress I guess. Feel a bit, no, very sorry for myself being all alone at this stage of pregnancy with no rl support around. Dp talks on the phone about stuff he wants to do when he gets home (1 week before dd) and I just want to scream, no you're not doing ANYTHING except looking after me goddammit! Going slightly mad with fear and exhaustion here. The whole thing is just so different for men though its unreal.

habbibu I do take strength from how you have learnt to live with the loss of your dd1, thank you for sharing that you can move on in time.

tethersend you have no idea the relief I feel when someone else admits to these feelings about their baby's gender, it means the world to me to hear that right now. I have been having counselling since I found out it was a boy, which sadly hasnt helped all that much as every week I start by saying well, I still can't come to terms with not having a girl, and I feel so disappointed in myself. You give me hope that when he is born I may recover from this though, please god. Thank you so much for your post.

Home birth kit arrived today- boxes of stuff I have no idea whats in them and too scared to look.

Oh, lela - I can't tell you how much of what you're feeling is really, really normal. I'd be wallowing in gloom and self-pity if I was on my own at this stage in pg; you're big, you're tired, you feel unprepared and don't really know how it's going to be, you feel like you've been pregnant forever - it's a hard last gasp for anyone, it really us. You really are entitled to feel sorry for yourself, you know.

As for DP - "no you're not doing ANYTHING except looking after me goddammit" is spot on. Send him down to M&S for some nice ready meals, bubble bath and chocolate, and then pin him down.

I think homebirth would be really good - friend of mine who had severe PND after her first baby - so much so that she swore she'd never have another - had hb with second, and just loved it - she's had a much easier and more relaxed time bonding with her ds, and though I had two great hospital births, I was a bit envious when I heard her describe it. your mw sounds good - I think this sounds like a very good decision for you.

Oh I'm so excited about your home birth kit, I want to come round and rake through it all with you over a cup of tea. I take my hat off to you for getting the home birth kit sorted out - you need to give yourself more credit.

Yeah, the guys don't always take on board how much life is going to change. We look forward to hearing how he gets on!

Friend was v disappointed that G&A came without mouthpiece! MW brought it on her way. I'd probably have emptied the cylinder just playing...

Lela - just in case - first time I tried G&A was when delivering dd1, and the first puff made me nauseous, and I was really worried I'd not be able to use it future, but it was absolutely fine after a while, so don't worry if you feel a bit sicky to start off with - your body gets used to it quickly.

Hello Lela,

Have a wee look in the boxes, you know a bit of face the fear, get really used to all the apparatus. When you know what is in there, it will not seem so scary.

So you are 37+?

I hope you get a bit more rest tonight and not such an early start, although it is good training!

What is really lovely when your DS comes is that he will wake you and have that early morning feed and most likely have a snuggle back down together and have a sleep. We used to call that a mummy monkey cuddle as my DS would be on my front clutching on like a spider monkey. Ah, it was bliss.

I have nothing to say that speaks from any experience of having depression or suffering a loss or feeling gender disappointment and to all the MNs on this thread who have shared their stories, I think you are all magnificent. Truly, I take my hat off to the lot of you, and lela, you are one in a billion, in a very good way.

I'm really teary, I feel like a little kid.

My family make me sick, my sister has seen how big, tired, depressed and struggling I am and no offer of any help or support, my mother called just to be horrible about my sister and no one actually cares about me right now.

From now on the baby will always have to come first and I cant even enjoy my last few weeks/ days before that as I'm so alone and full of resentment.

I've never known lonliness like this. I honestly cant remember why i ever wanted a child so badly. If I could turn the clock back knowing what I do now, I'd make sure I never got pregnant.
My counsellor says i need long term therapy to come to terms with my childhood and feelings of being so alone, but I just want to move on and be happy.

I go to bed feeling like I never want to wake up.

Lela, I did not realise that you were still in touch with your mum, I thought she was no longer in your life. Sorry.

You know if she has nothing positive to give you in your life, would you consider cutting her out. Change your phone number and don't tell her.

Have you been on the stately homes thread here on MN?

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/955484-39-But-We-Took-You-to-Stately-Homes-39-Part

Oh, love.

Put aside the problems with your sister for now, if you can - it just sounds as if this is something where you two can't find the common ground you both need, and it's too painful for both of you. When the baby comes, try to let her in, if you can, and rebuild.

Your mum sounds pretty grim, I'm afraid. Do you have to answer the phone to her?

Long term therapy will help you move on and be happy, as will dp and ds, odd as that sounds to you now.

Very soon there'll be a wee warm body to cuddle whenever you need one. And it's a damn good feeling.

Hi Lelarose, I've been a bit preoccupied for a couple of days, but have just read your posts for today... How to put my thoughts into words? I'll try... You are ( as I was )in uncharted territory, experiencing ( as I did ) totally alien, painful, frightening, unexpected feelings and thoughts :( As damaged people, we can't handle change :( That was the job our mother's should've taken care of in their nurturing of us.... but it sounds like you have a mother like mine. Never told me she loved me, never cuddled me....said I should've "known" that I was loved :( Bullcrap, that's what I say. It's a bloody excuse for their own inadequacy and lack of love!
You will learn from your mother's mistakes, you will learn to love your son and show him your love, because your mother DIDN'T show you. It isn't easy... motherhood isn't easy, but it's amazing and fulfilling, and shows YOU what a strong, compassionate person you can be :)
My advice would be ( if you can cope with the guilt )to cut ties with her ( for now )!
I waited for 44 years for my mother to finally show me love, show that she understood my pain :( When I finally found the courage to confront her about the way she'd made me feel for sooo many years, she told me I was mad, and needed a bloody brain-scan. I haven't spoken to her since, and never will again :(
We must find our own strength and direction, sometimes without our parents ( or siblings )
However terrible you feel now, know that you will move through this stage in your life, and be able to smile again :)
Although you may be a slightly more aware and cynical person :)
I was wondering if you live in the South-East
maybe a few of us could meet up to support eachother? xxx

So sorry you're feeling so lonely. You have lots of friends here though who are thinking of you and willing you on. It's a shame we can't all pop round to help support you more.

You have done so well since those early posts and come so far; despite what you think about yourself, I think you are amazing. I hope you are able to sleep better tonight. It's horrible to feel so isolated especially when pregnancy has completely taken over but you'll get through it. Your strength and commitment to the care of your baby is clear for all to see - you will be a great mum as a result.

(NB lots of mums have days when they feel they've messed up and aren't good mums at all. They also wonder 'why on earth did I do this to myself? Why did I ever say I wanted a baby? Am I mad?' But that's normal. If you have days like those, it's a good sign, really! Don't ever feel it's only you who is not up to it. I think all good mums feel like that sometimes. That's how they get to be so good - never complacent, you see.Bit annoying though)

Well, am even not making sense to myself now so will say bye for now

Sending lots of hugs xx

Sadly I live nowhere near the south east, bt thanks for the offer. If I had friedns like you in rl things would be a lot easier.

Have tried to cut my mother out of my life, but very occaisionally I make the mistake of answering my landlne not knowing who it is. She is the sort of person who couldnt give a monkeys if she's upset or hurt you and you dont want to speak to her- she will just carry on as if nothing in th past has ever happened, so she totally denies her reaction to my pregnancy and pretends she has been nothing but happy for me.

The next thing will be when she starts demanding to see the baby (if she feels lke it, she may not be remotely bothered which ironically will be just as painful for me in many ways), which will be very difficult. As much as I cant stand her its hard to say no you will never meet your grandchild. Although she has nothing to offer either of us. But thats a problem for another day. kibbutz I can totally empathise, my mother has told me in the past I suffer from "false memory syndrome" ha ha, you have to laugh really.

What I find hardest aside from dp being away is this waking up at 4.30 am yet again, when this is my last chance to have lie ins. It really would mean the world to me to be able to sleep, would help immensely.

Every time I think I'm back in control, something gets in the way. I'm just too exhausted to think straight and resent my inability to sleep right now more than I can describe. Said this to dp on phone last night and he says oh well you've not got long to go- not sure he quite understands the implications of a newborn baby for your sleep patterns, but there you go.

How are you doing, lela?

Not so good today. I went out with my best friend and her mum (because I was scared to be in my house alone)and her mum kept asking me if I was excited about baby coming) etc, and then we were looking at baby clothes in a shop and she kept saying oh you're having a wee boy, I just know it! As if this was a happy thing to say, which it should be. I felt like a complete and utter piece of shit and after we dropped her mum off I broke down in my bf's car for about an hour saying terrible things like I want the baby adopted by someone better than me and I wish I wasnt pregant, I dont want to even be here anymore etc. She just kept saying you wont feel like this when the baby is here, but I dont believe anyone when they say that anymore.

Came home and dp called and I broke down again. He just sounded really weary- he has been working so hard and then has to listen to my shit.

I have zero self esteem right now and I dont want this baby. I thought it would get better towards the birth but it just keeps getting worse.

Hi Lela, a friend and I used to say that pregnancy is mother natures way of tricking us into procreating :( We feel all maternal, think it'll be so romantic to have this "bundle of joy".... then reality hits! It's nature's way of assuring the race continues :( I think that's the brutal reality Lela! I went through phases when I was pregnant, one minute I thought I wanted him, and I would be able to cope....the next I sat wondering what the f* I'd done :( My mother ( even before he was bloody born ) droned on and on and on about me having him adopted.... All she said was "I'm going to end up being bloody responsible for "it", day after day this was all I would hear! Never a happy, joyous word. At 8 months I found out from a family friend that my father was really excited about becoming a grampa! I was shocked as he'd never had the courage to go over my mother's head and tell me :(
My WHOLE pregnancy was spent in confusion and guilt.Oh so much guilt-and all because of my mother's need to be in control of the situation.... she couldn't bear to think that I was going against her will.
It is so hard and so miserable Lela when we have families like ours. I think the only thing to do is "take back control". You're in charge now, and yes you chose to have this baby, so you've just gotta do it girl, and see where life takes you....
You are stepping into the unknown, which for people like us is VERY frightening, believe me I know! Dig deep Lela, find that inner resolve, which I ( and so many others ) have had to find :)
Small steps honey, that's all you can take right now :) xx

Lela,

You will be the Mum, you will be in control, you will not be the little kid. However scary it might be at times this will be a chance to re-write history. It might be a case of just hold on tight for the first few weeks and get through it (I think most of us did just that) but the time will come when you know you are doing better than your mother did and you will be proud.

You hit the nail on the head about self esteem by the way. I suspect if your self esteem improved, you would feel more deserving of happiness and less deserving of shame. We'll get there one day, I'm sure of it.

tbh, I don't think I'd necessarily expect it to get better towards the end of pg - you're tired, heavy, full of hormones, wondering about the birth, feel like you've been pg forever. Let yourself feel how you feel at the moment, accept it as a normal symptom of pregnancy plus your illness, and let yourself to be open to the possibility that it WILL get better. Reread tethers' post above again and again when you feel low.

How are you doing, lela? Have to go to a birthday party soon, but will check in later.

Towards the end of the birth can be hard, and I would assume even more so on someone who was suffering from depression.

I remember being unaccountably angry in the last few weeks and I am not a confrontational person, but was spoiling for a fight with anyone who would dare irritate me!

I am really pleased that you confided in your mate. Keep talking with her in RL and reaching out if you can.

Stay strong x

I'm doing really really badly.

I dont want to have a son, not one tiny bit. I'm a freak, I only have maternal feelings towards female children.

I cant bear it I cant find any happiness despite having a great friend, a gorgeous partner who I'm totally in love with and our first child due to be born (all I thought I ever wanted). I feel utterly hopeless about the rest of my life.

I do not want my own child, there is no bigger nightmare for me.

Hey Lela, try to hold on, you don't know how you'll feel when he comes, you're not a freak, I didn't feel much for any children at all until I had DS, and it took a while for maternal loving feelings to grow. It needn't be a disaster if it doesn't feel wonderful.

I still think your depression and low self esteem force you to deny yourself happiness. I'm sorry if that doesn't make sense or it doesn't help you to hear that right now - I hope something will click at some point, make sense and you will be on the road to happiness. There is a chance becoming a mother brings happiness closer - that might sound ridiculous to you now but I have found some peace with myself since having DS.

Big hugs, wish I could help you more, you deserve to be happy. Are you afraid that if you dared to be happy and feel secure you would jinx it and something would go horribly wrong?