Lelarose Desperately Depressed #2

[thatsnotmymonkey]

Hi Lela, I hope this is OK, come over here. We will all be here for you. xx

I breastfed my DS1 while on ADs, I realise it is an individual choice but at the time I chose to take them whilst having the full backing of my Doctor. You know what though, formular feeding is not a wrong thing to do, millions of babies are nourished on it and that is absolutely fine!

My pregnancy depression is my bench mark for everything else, there of course have been ups and downs since but things have never been so terrible again, my fear of being a terrible mother and not loving my baby just didn't materialise, something instinctive kicked in and a love I could not possibly have imagined. My children are what keep me anchored in the here and the now and as ridiculous as it sounds the awful pregnancy was worth it for what I have now.

Just hang on a bit longer, accept all the help you are offered, don't expect an yovernight cure and be KIND to yourself. feeling so terrible about yourself does NOT mean that you are in fact terrible. xx

Thanks all of you, you're right i just cant imagine anything other than a life of misery and disappointment right now. would do anything to stop feeling like this about having a boy its hellish. I met a friends newborn the other day and he just left me totally cold- thought its just a boy, nothing to be excited about, how awful am I. Yes I will feel more about my own child, but I just wish I had the hope of having my girl to get me through the labour and give me any kind of hope for the future. I have zetro excitement or enthusiasm for having this child, nothing but dread. Its very hard to imagine this changing.

The "anything" will, for now, have to be promising yourself that you will believe in one day at a time, that you will believe that people can and do get better, and that you will put your head down, grit your teeth, take all the help you can, and battle on. And that doesn't sound like something appealing at all, god knows. It sounds hard, and painful, and relentless. But it is movement forward, towards a better future, and one day the fog will clear, and you'll see what we've all been talking about, I promise.

Please don't worry about putting on a front when your baby is born. Everyone involved is aware that hormones and emotions go a little wild - I cried for a whole day and wasn't sure why! So if you feel you need to cry because you have a little boy then no one will think it odd you crying. You won't need to tell them why you're crying. Just say, "I can't stop!" and snivel away. It's weird, but people expect this. People cry through happiness too and it can be hard to tell the difference, I'm sure.

When your baby is born you will probably get a chance to cuddle right away and, during this skin-to-skin time, he'll probably root around and have a feed. This will be before you have to make any decision about ADs and breast-feeding. It is entirely possible that the feeding will be something you and baby enjoy and it will give you time to consider your options about feeding. I really understand how you feel about wanting to do 'something right' for your baby and focusing on feeding - I was desperate to get this right. In the end, because I found it so difficult, I gave myself a really hard time. With DS I was told by the paeds in hospital that I had to bottle feed by day 3 which made me so sad. I did mixed feeding for as long as I could but was wise enough to realise that DS would be happier with a relaxed mum and a bottle than a screaming one trying to continue breast feeding.

I had no idea this would happen before I had my DC; I just did my best with the situation that arose. You will do too! And you have done so much that is 'right' for your baby so far.

You also don't have to call your baby anything straight away.I didn't call my DD anything for a week, though we'd chosen a name, because it felt too strange. I was rather shocked to have a boy so called him 'baby' for a bit while I got used to it. 'Sunshine' or 'flower' (it's the northerner in me) worked well when I was trying to cheer myself up about the boy situation too.

(DS currently wanting a pink fairy castle for Christmas....)

Oops sorry to waffle on. xx

Oh dont get me wrong I know a lot of people struggle to breast feed and I may not be able to myself- I dont think it makes you a better mother or anything. Its just my guilt about being on anti depressants during pregnancy and also how bad I've been eating during it make me want to try and do it for him.

Its funny how being pregnant changes peoples attitudes to you, like my friends who dont have kids now treat me like some type of alien. They think its all worked out for me and I'm going to live in some kind of happy bubble with my partner and baby now and I dont need them anymore, its so incredibly isolating when this is not the case.

I also thought that having my own family on the way would stop me caring about the one I grew up in being so shit, but it just massively intensifies how painful that is- in fact my lack of relationship with my own mother has never bothered me as much as it has done in the last 9 months.

Nothing about this experience has been anything like I imagined, so i suppose that if nothing else at least that proves you dont always know how you're going to react to a new situation, so that should really give me a glimmer of hope.

Thanks so much for not giving up on me, you dont know what that means to me right now stuck in alone all the time like a bloody beached whale on the verge of tears every five bloody minutes x

Lela, no-one here is going to give up on you. OK? Just hang on in there, keep posting, and we'll keep holding your hand and helping you claw your way out of each hole on the road.

You really are great, you know. And in time you'll be able to see just what a great mother you are; you've done so much to try to protect this baby so far, despite everything.

As for eating shit during pregnancy - mine may as well be made of cake, or white toast and marmite, or pork pies given how much I ate of those. And yet they're remarkably healthy. You think that so much of what you're doing is just so awful, but really, 90% of it is just what everyone does and feels, just horribly magnified and distorted by your illness.

Lela - I'm here with you as lots of other ladies are.
I am concerned post birth - not sure when / how you will be able to get on mumsnet for support and whether you will have the time or ability to do so - could some of us not send your our numbers for you to call anytime (AND I MEAN ANYTIME OF THE DAY OR NIGHT). Remember, you can withold your number buy putting 141 in front of one of our numbers, so we won't be able to call you back or find out where you are.

i.e. 14107711222333

Please won't you let one or a few of us help you by speaking to you in RL or just on the phone? You've done so well to reach out to us here, not let us reach out to you and help you. I'm sure one of us lives close to you.

I was knackered yesterday and I was really conscious how awful and unmanageable everything seems when you are tired. I went from busy but content to feeling totally overwhelmed and thinking I must be a crap mum in such a short space of time.

You have done well to fight through the exhaustion you must be feeling, don't underestimate how much it is distorting your thoughts and feelings. Habbibu is very wise, most of the things you beat yourself up for are absolutely normal for most mums to be, although a lot of them wouldn't admit it! People do far worse and their babies come along fine.

My sister just came round and I told her I felt suicidal and dont want or feel able to be a mother to this baby. Dont think she believed me.

Regret it now but I cant keep the act up all the time. I should have him adopted, just how can I posibly say this to dp?

bubbahubba thanks for the extrememly kind offer but i know i probably wouldnt be able to call people- I was offered phone support from a woman form some pre/post natal depression organisation but I gave up on it as my feelings about having a boy only got worse and I didn't know what to say to her. i know I complain about isolation and then cant ake help like that but I just wouldnt know what to say and would feel like an idiot.

I feel more and more that I cant bring up a son and that I have to get out of his life before I damage him.

When I cry now I can hear it sounds like an animal howling in pain.Just this horrible wailing noise. sorry to be a drama queen I'm just not really finding this bearable any more.

Hi Lela, I'm sorry it's so hard at the moment and that I can think of nothing at all that I could say to help you feel better. You really don't have to think about 'bringing up a son' though - that sounds daunting! I'm not bringing mine up as such at the mo. I'm just enjoying watching him dance along to 'Show me Show me' and learning to sing. Being with him in the present is the fun bit. I hope you can feel the same for your little one. I know you won't believe this but when he smiles at you and then giggles - those will be times (in a few weeks - about 6 for smiling?) worth staying around for. You will NOT be a bad mum - you care too much about him, and that makes you very special.

We care about you and believe in you. Wish I could say more to help xx

Been to a&e before, they sent me home with temazepan. Told psychiatrist how I felt last week, he did not think it approriate to hospitalise me. told my sister how i felt. She left about an hour ago.

Its not like I haven't tried getting support in rl, just that in reality for me there isnt any.

Getting through the next minutes/ hours/ days is the main thing. Can you be firm with yourself and say, "I can't know how I will feel when baby is born until he is born. Then, in those first days and weeks, I will discuss things with DP and midwife and make decisions about future then. Today, I survive." Or something like that? Easier said, of course, but sometimes I stress myself so much over things I can't know and I have to tell myself worrying is pointless - deal with it when it happens. (I'm a fairly impressive worrier).

rl help would be good now too - how do you feel about that? When do you next see counsellor or midwife?

Hi again Lela, having been in an all too similar situation to you ( possibly my whole life ) and realizing that ( with therapy ) only I could get myself out of the misery I was feeling...I basically had to stop pitying myself and take control of my life :( Having kids is hard, boy or girl, that's the reality! But in the long-term it makes you stronger and wiser, and more able to cope with "life"... Who told you that life was gonna be easy Lela? You really need to start facing reality, and put your feet one in front of the other and take those first steps towards motherhood....one day at a time. Life is f hard for people like us! That's why we've gotta keep fighting girl!

I'm feeling very physically unwell today I cant stop shaking or function properly. I dont think I will be able to get to my appointments today as I can barely walk.

kibbutz if i wasnt so unwell i'm sure I could find the humour in you posting again to ask me who told me life was going to be easy and to tell me to face up reality. I dont want to make you feel bad at all but please just maybe leave it eh, really just leave it.

I realise its impossible for people who have not had as bad mental health as this to believe that going to a&e or talking to a psychiatrist makes no difference but I'm afraid that is the reality that apparently I need to face up to.

If you think I'm past supporting fair enough please just dont post anymore thats all I ask. Maybe I should do the same. There are people on here who have genuinely helped me when I had no one esle and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for that.

kibbutz I know you mean well, but really you are not helping lela at all. She is not self-pitying, she is suffering a severe illness. These kind of "pull yourself together" comments are about the least helpful you can hear when you are very ill. I know - I have been there. Please keep away from this thread unless you have something supportive to say.

lela I am so sorry you are feeling so bad today. Please keep posting, you will always find listening ears here.

Lela, so sorry you are feeling so bad today. Is there anyone who can be with you?

I would just ignore any comments which are unhelpful, even experts do not understand how you are feeling. Keep posting if you find it some comfort. We are here for you.

Have just been violently sick all over the kitchen floor as I couldn't make it to the toilet in time. My head is banging and I'm dizzy and really shakey.

Midwife coming to see me this morning so will tell her.

Please tell me this is not the start of labour or something I'm not ready and I cant do it feeling this ill.

Oh lela I am very glad that the midwife is coming later. You really need to see a health professional today.

Don't panic. It probably is not the start of labour. Could you have a bug at all? Or it may just be the anxiety... do you have backache or any cramping at all?

no just shakey and cant face food or even a cup of tea, cant get warm.

thanks for responding, sorry if I do sound sorry for myself x