Lelarose Desperately Depressed #2

[thatsnotmymonkey]

Hi Lela, I hope this is OK, come over here. We will all be here for you. xx

Thanks beertricks, I'm aware of how totally shallow my last post sounds. My psychologist also says that most of the things you do with a small child are gender neutral and I know thats right so obviously there's more to it than that.

I worked for several years with 5-16 year olds with behavioural problems, and during that time I only came a cross a couple of girls out of all the kids I worked with who were really obnoxious. I have also worked in mental health and seen the gender differences there. I had brothers when I was growing up who were vile and physically and sexually abusive, and the only family member I had any kind of healthy relationship with was my sister.

The only thought that helps me deal with this is telling myself I may have another chance to have a girl one day. But then the thought of another pregnancy terrifies me, so I'm back to thinking this is my only child. Every day I say to myself he's a boy, he was a boy from conception, he will always be a boy, its not a punishment, get over it.

Please dont think I will ever let him be aware of how I feel at any stage of his life because I wont. I tell him I love him every day and he gets smothered with affection and told he is brilliant. I wont ever let him suffer due to my mental health.

Lela, I don't think you would be a better mother to a girl. You have been a fantastic mum to your DS so far and he's lucky to have you. You are doing so so well.

When you were pregnant, did you ever think that you would ever look at your baby boy and be overcome with love and think how gorgeous he was? And yet you do. And as he develops, and his personality comes to the surface, you will find yourself amazed that the little creature you made is capable of such clever things and you will melt when he smiles and makes you laugh and cuddles you (my DS has just turned 1 and is all about the cuddles and kisses).

You've been pleasantly surprised by how much love you have felt for your DS so far. It's because you are his mum - you will always be fascinated by him. There is nothing comparable; I don't think you could gain any insight into what your relationship with your DS will be like by thinking back to relationships with your brothers and other men, or by looking at other boys. Your relationship with your DS will always always benefit from the rose-tinted spectacles of motherhood.

I know that the girl-boy thing is a really big deal, but your will always love your DS for who he is and because he is your son. He will be just fine. x

Hi,

Haven't been around for a bit now MN has been barred at work. I think it sounds like you are coping really well, sorry to hear you still find it hard but it really is still early days. You had an exhausting pregnancy, physically with lack of sleep and emotionally and mentally as well, so you are coping brilliantly.

It is draining and relentless, however much you love them. It gets easier, I think you'll grow into each other and one day you'll realise you haven't thought about having a girl for a while.

Hey Lela, you sound really focused, and I am sorry I have been off MN. Not in a good headspace, and thanks for the PM x

I think you are doing everything right, and there is some element of "faking it till you make it" in all parenting, whether you are warhammering it right up, or getting engrossed in lego.

You son sounds well loved. That is enough. Take care of your metal health and keep doing what you are doing.

I think you are wonderful.

Hi Lela

Sorry I haven't been around much. Hope you and ds are ok. I'm so impressed by you - you are moving on, you know, even though some days it must feel like you're just sliding backwards. Your ds is a lucky wee soul.

thanks. am still seeing psychologist about my feelings about having a boy/ not having a girl. she says the vast majority of people have a gender preference, its just totally taboo to admit it. while she was talking to me the other day ds was sitting in his chair just beaming at me (yes he now smiles!!I get tearful every time, it just lights up my life) and she says I am doing everything right making a good bond with him.

then i go to mother and baby group and there are now more girls in it (was mainly boys before) and I get the awful pangs about never having a daughter, when i'm sat there with my son who is by far the cutest baby and best sleeper in the room and I think why does everything have to be tainted by these feelings why cant I just be happy?

Had cpn round for last time as well (I dont find her helpful, much prefer psychologist) and she was implying I should probably not have any more pregnancies in case i have another boy and it made me feel like complete shit, because thats my only hope of having a daughter crushed, even though it obviously terrifies me.

Don't know if this will help, Lela, but I think MIL, though she loves her boys very much, would have loved a daughter - so she is getting the most enormous kick out of dd now; and she gets to do all the girly stuff but not deal with the girl best friend/I want to wear just a skirt in -6 snow/blah blah stuff. Means our house gets very filled with pink (anathema to me)!

I hope that wasn't a stupid thing to say. I just mean don't discount the idea of having a close family relationship with a girl - either you'll feel ok enough to get pregnant again one day, or you'll maybe have a granddaughter, or something else. you could not have imagined how much you'd love your son before he was born, so you know that wonderful miraculous things do happen, and they do happen to you. just be on the lookout for the next joy!

Thanks habbibu and beertricks you are maybe right.

Was out xmas shopping yesterday and saw all these teenage to adult girls out with their mums, in the shops, having coffee etc and I have to admit it broke my heart.

My son is beautiful and I do love him, I just know I'll never have that kind of relationship with him as he grows up and it really hurts.

Sorry, just having a really hard time with this today.

Sorry that you are feeling so low about it all tonight.

What you will grow to have with your son will be special, different and better. The mums you see in the shops with their daughters is just one representation of a parent child relationship, and you will have your own with your son.

I love to shop, go to the spa, wear make-up, dress up and so on, and I know that it is unlikely that I will do any of that stuff with my son. Unlikely, not impossible, but I also know that there will be other stuff that we do together because I am in control of this relationship and I drive it, so what I put into it, and what I expose my son to will come back to me. Does that make sense.

Just one moment at a time. x

Thanks beertricks, how lovely of you t think of me. Have a wonderful time with your little one and thanks for all your support this year xxxx

Just popping in to say a big Happy Christmas with your beautiful ds, lela. You are a truly amazing woman, and a great, great mother. I wish you many many happy Christmases with your darling boy, and hope the peace you've been striving for so hard this year comes to you ever faster and stronger. Like a great big hug.

And Happy Christmas to all lovely lela-thread friends!

I just want to say a massive THANK YOU to all those of you who have been so kind and caring in supporting me through my very difficult pregnancy and the birth of my son this year.

There are too many to mention by name here, but you know who you are and I want you to know what an amazing help and comfort it was to me during such a terrifying and often terribly lonely time to know that there were people who understood, cared and never judged me.

Things still arent exactly perfect for me, but I'm looking forward to Christmas with my new family, the beautiful son I didn't even know if I could love...so to anyone who is struggling right now, things can turn around no matter how low you get.

I wish you all a wonderful Christmas and a happy, healthy and peaceful year ahead.

Thanks again all of you, lela (and son) xxxx

Lela, I'm not on your thread much but I've posted once or twice - and I've also not been on MN much recently. But i was thinking about you just yesterday and wondering how you are, so i wanted to say, happy Christmas to you too, and I hope things get easier.

("cutest baby" made me laugh. you so obviously love your son)

I've been lurking and hope you haf a lovely Xmas. You're an inspiration Lela and you're building your own little version of your family very well one step at a time. Unique to you iyswim? Hope you have a happy new year x

Thanks Dalrymps, same to you and thanks so much for all your support x

Hope 2011 brings you happiness & peace xx

Thanks Jetli, I was hoping it would, but not so far.

I really hate to admit this but I'm really struggling. I feel wracked with guilt that I still absolutely hate the fact that my child is a boy and its making me feel so shit I cant really enjoy anything as much as I should be- I waited my whole life to have this baby, he is lovely and yet i still feel stuck in these awful feelings of anxiety and regret.

Dp and I had an arguement on Christmas night where he spoke to me in such a way that I actually asked him to leave. He hasn't but things are still not great bteween us.

I am still seeing a psychologist about this gender thing but she is off this week. I have started having suicidal thoughts again usually first thing in the mornings and they scare me.

Is there anyone reading this who has felt anything like this? I am getting professional help but sometimes I just need to know there are other people who have been where I am. I just feel like such a shit person and a failure as a mother. I love my little boy but also dread the future with him and know this craving for a daughter will probably never leave me. I know I sound so spoilt and selfish but I cant help it, I'd do anything to change these feelings but they just wont go away.

Didn't want your post to go unanswered... but not sure I can offer much with regards to words of wisdom.

You've been through so much and are doing really well, hopefully this is a temporary blip and you'll get through it.

Hope you are doing ok and managing to cope, we're all rooting for you. Hopefully someone able to offer a bit more reassurance will come along soon but I'd guess there are people who have felt the same or similar, so please don't worry, just try to get through the days as they come along.

Lela I'm so sorry to hear you are feeling this way. I haven't experienced what you are going through, I hope someone will be along who can help you.

I have been following this thread and it was so lovely to hear how much you love your baby, and you seemed to be coping so well.

In the short term, would it help you to think that the feelings you have now will go away, you will not have them forever. Just try to take one day at a time Lela. If your feelings get too much, is there an emergency number you can call until your pyschologist comes back to work?

Am sending you lots of hugs and love.x

Oh lela xx

I promise you, you are not a failure or a shit mother. Believe me I've seen plenty of the above & you fall into neither category, really you don't. Not by any stretch of the imagination.