Lelarose Desperately Depressed #2

[thatsnotmymonkey]

Hi Lela, I hope this is OK, come over here. We will all be here for you. xx

I felt like I was on birth plan number 15 by the time it go to being induced and had gone all round the houses whether I wanted a C section or not. I don't think there is a right answer, there is just what happens and you will get on with it and you will survive and you will recover. I was just relieved when I finally got going and knew the uncertainty was over and the pregnancy was over and soon I would be having tea and toast and getting to know my baby. Whatever happens wil be right for you.

Hey lela, hope you are OK today. Thinking of you as always x

Lela you haven't posted for a day and a half - I hope you've started...

Thinking of you xx

Hey Lela, just hoping you are ok and that perhaps things are moving on for you...I hope posting this doesn't make you feel hassled, just wanted you to know that I haven't forgotten about you.

Another one checking in hoping for news...

Good luck lela, hope this means things are progressing.

Thinking of you all XX

Hi thanks for all your kind thoughts.

I have not gone into labour.

I became so distressed with fear last night that my dp took me up to the hospital today to discuss elective caesarian.

Was there for a total of 6 hours. First I saw a dr who seemed quite positive about my chances of getting this as she could see how much stress I am under, and they even got a psychologist to come and talk to me. Dr said I was to go for a scan then talk to the consultant after as it was their decision. Whilst having the scan I was thinking thank god I have the chance of the caesarian and that I have finally been able to make that decision. I then saw the consultant who said it is more risky to me than natural birth an therefore they will not be offering me it. Was told to have a membrane sweep and if I have not gone into labour naturally by Sunday afternoon they will induce me, which means no homebirth, no birthing pool and an overnight stay in hospital alone which is my idea of complete hell.(I've been phobic of hospitals since childhood)

I broke down in tears and asked for a second opinion which I got from a weary with me looking dr who said they are "generous" with woman who are "nervous" about natural childbirth but she cant advise it in my case. All the time the consultant who had first refused me was present which made me really uncomfortable as I'd asked for a separate opinon.

Then she gave me the membrane sweep and said labour won't be any more painful than that which I know is a huge patronising LIE, but inkeeping with the attitude that i am a silly little girl who is just a bit nervous about labour and expecting special treatment. She said you can just have an epidural and I explained that if having a natural birth I had wanted to be at home as I have a fear of hospitals and she said well I have a fear of homebirths as they are not safe.

Sorry for such a long story but I dont even know words to describe how I feel. I've tried to be assertive and spoken to 2 consultants and a psychologist to plead my case, so please dont say I should try and take this further as I can't.

I'm terrified. I dont want this baby. I can't get induced on sunday I'd rather die than stay in overnight by myself waiting for it to happen, but they have backed me into a corner as they are saying that if I go past monday I have less chance of a "good labour". Things are now so much worse than I could ever have imagined. I've had reflexology, curries, sex, (none of which everything and I feel so pressurised to go I [articularly fel like) into labour but also so shit scared I'm on the point of collapse.

Dp has been amazing but at the end of his tether. How can we force them to give me surgery they dont see as necessary? I feel like a mad person I'm so anxious and depressed I cant take anymore.

That last bit was a rhetorical question btw, I know we cant force them, thats the whole point, I am totally defeated.

Oh Lela I'm sorry

No I don't really see what else you can do for which you would reasonably have the energy right now.

what a horrible and hugely stressful experience

All I can say is that you have lost you plug and she's managed to do a sweep so you may yet get your homebirth but that doesn't really help you at the moment does it.

I just really hope that labour starts tonight and proceeds smoothly.

Don't worry so much about your dp being at the end of his tether - he has the easiest ride and courtesy of your stubbornness to deal with this on your own hasn't been exposed to it for very long. he can cope!

Oh Lela, I'm sorry the doctors are being so rubbish. I'm not surprised you are feeling anxious and depressed when you are not being allowed to make choices about your own body. I hesitate to make suggestions as I know when I had depression it could make me feel worse, so skip to the next post if you are feeling a bit overwhelmed. When is your midwife coming back, could DP call her and get her to see you urgently? Perhaps she would have more influence about the c-section? I know being induced is the last thing you want. There are other options such as being scanned daily to make sure the placenta is still working, and the midwife may also be able to organise that for you. On the other hand being induced would bring this awful waiting to an end for you. I was induced, the pessary didn't work so I had to have a drip and be constantly monitored which didn't fit my waterbirth plan at alll, and I wasn't a big fan of the equipment either. But to my surprise I found it very handy to be able to see on the monitor that a contraction was on it's way (before I could even feel it) and take a good lungful of the gas&air. Gas and air works much better for pain relief if you take it 30 secs before the height of the contraction, then stop taking it until 30 secs before the next one. I know you are scared and you have every right to be. And it's so much more complicated because you are grieving for the childhood you didn't have, and the daughter you were hoping for. Very good thread tonight elsewhere on MN with people saying how they didn't love their babies immediately and some other stories of gender disappointment. You have amazed me with your strength and resilience - you are going to get through this. X

Hun you really truly don't have to be induced. This is entirely your decision - they cannot do anything, anything to you without your express consent. You don't even have to show up on Sunday so sod the consultant. I'm outraged on your behalf though, at how you have been dismissed

Hi Lelarose,

I have been following your thread (and wishing you well from the start) Not posted because, so many others have better advice then I could ever give.
I just wanted to say you have been incredible. I hope the future is as bright as you deserve it to be. Take care. Thinking of you, like so many others are x

mummy2robbie the midwife already spoke up for me to no avail.

jetli I fear it may come to me refusing to be induced as I am simply too scared to stay in hospital by myself but then what? The baby has to come out somehow sometime pretty soon.

Has anyone read Marie Mongans Hypnobirthing book? Right now I feel like not much has changed attitude wise since her day- all my choices were simply swept away from me yesterday and the attitude was very much "ok dear we'll see you for an induction and an epidural on sunday, never you mind about your silly homebirth ideas, we're in charge here".

I realise my mental health has been terrrible anyway but I've been waking up all night with screaming nightmares unable t breath.

Lela I have been lurking on this thread and the last one but haven't posted because I know I have nothing useful to add - only my love, sympathy, and downright admiration for the way you have been fighting the way you have been feeling.

I am outraged on your behalf - the face is not enough - at you being refused a c-section.

Is your midwife likely to be able to be with you when you go into labour? She might have more luck getting help for you when you go in.

Is there anyone else who could help plead your case? I know that almost all first-time mums get scared about labour - there may be a chance that the Doctors you saw were not listening and putting you in the "nervous first timer" bracket without really considering your case and what you have been going through.

Don't forget Lela, you have had a show, there is every chance things will start on their own very soon.

Really rooting for you here...

Sorry Lela - I should have guessed you would have already tried the midwife angle , doh! Just really hoping it all starts naturally at home for you. Soon. Sooner than soon. Hang on in there.

Lela, honey.....as others have said, you DO NOT have to be induced at all. Stick to your guns and what feels right.
If you do go into hospital, you can refuse everything and if they are so concerned, they will section you, but my suggestion is to just stay at home and wait it out.
you have done so well - you CAN do this last bit!

Oh, lela. how crap. Did they explain why not in your case?

Come on, little chap. Let's be having you, shall we?

Hang on in there, lela. You can do this, no matter what.

Lela, I don't know if you've seen this thread but it might comfort you to know that while it's not about your exact situation, the way you feel is not that uncommon, and is overcome time and time again.

Some reflexology points you might want DP to try massaging over the weekend. Then also imagine wearing these shoes & massage where the strap goes across so basically where your foot joins your ankle, backwards & forwards, backwards & forwards.... Get him to be quite firm. Reflexology helped get me started I'm sure but when I reached my due date the lady doing the treatment was quite brutal - it wasn't a pleasant foot rub IYSWIM.
I think your baby is waiting for your midwife to come back from holiday.
I hestitate posting this bit, as I really don't know the full details of your gender scan, but a lady at babygroup was told she was having a baby girl in her last 2 pregnancies. Both times she had a boy.

Thinking of you xx

I think errors are more common that way round, Jet - easier to miss something that is there than to see something that isn't, iyswim? Sorry, Lela, I know that's not what you want to hear.

Forgot to tell you my waters broke immediately after a curry. Wait till your midwife comes back though. Isn't pineapple meant to help too?

Have tried curry, pineapple, professional reflexology from a midwife, exercise, and sex.

Nothing.

Am so upset. Hospital tomorrow.

Just reread your earlier post. I'd be damn well pissed off with your hcps, to be honest. Am not at all impressed with their attitude. Not that that helps you right now - but if you feel the need to REALLY swear at them in labour, I'd say go for it.

Anyway - hope things get better for you. Thinking of you.

Oh Lela, you must be so hacked off. Fair play to you, you really have tried everything. Hope your guts are ok with nothing but pineapple and curry swishing around. Wondering if you are going to go through with being induced, or ask to be monitored instead. Hoping you don't have to make that decision and it all starts happening on it's own. If it's any comfort, I had a c-section after being induced, not because the baby was distressed or stuck (in fact the heart monitor indicated he slept through the whole thing), but because I didn't want to carry on. I wonder if that was what the consultant meant by being 'generous'? Really thinking of you loads. X

Thinking of you lela - am sending contraction-y vibes your way xx