Lelarose Desperately Depressed #2

[thatsnotmymonkey]

Hi Lela, I hope this is OK, come over here. We will all be here for you. xx

Lelarose, don't worry about me criticizing you, I have enough problems of my own to cope with. I'll just leave you well alone.. anyone want to criticize me for this post? :(

Oh lela

If it feels right, go for the C-section.

They are really very safe these days, especially if planned ones. The riskier C-sections are the emergency ones, and even then, they are still relatively safe.

Just go for it. Once you have made the decision you will feel so relieved.

I can only say you have to do what is right for you.

If it will give you back control, go for it. Do make a list of your reasons though in case, like me, in years to come you think, 'why didn't I wait longer?' You need to be able to say it was the right decision for you. You might also need to think of what you'll say to people in rl about your decision.

Baby's head (probably) won't be squashed with a CS and your pelvic floor will be less traumatised.

The right decision for you will also be the right decision for your baby because he wants you to be happy. You're his favourite person (regardless of whether you're your own favourite person!) and he will feel better if you're happier. Yes, you'll take a while to recover physically, but there will be people around in hospital to help. How long is your DP off work for? If you decide to go ahead, do take a pillow with you - very useful for propping purposes.

I used to dream about my babies coming out as huge toddlers, able to talk and answer back. Well freaky. The reality was less scary, smaller and cuter (like small bat clinging onto shoulder, rooting round and bopping me with small sweet head - not sure if this is selling the experience!) Anyway, it's your decision and, if you need to go ahead with CS you will have lots of support here and in rl. xx

Lelarose if there is such a thing as lesser reasons I have seen women have c-sections for lesser reasons.

Do what's right for you. Glad your partner is taking charge a bit in asking for help.

Am a bit at your mw being unable to do a sweep if your cervix is soft enough to lose its plug though. Some mws are better at sweeps than others.

Please don't be scared to post, this is your thread, and there isn't anything wrong with any of your feelings apart from how distressed they make you feel. Do what is right for you. I had a c-section and it was fine, bit sore, but apparently vaginal births smart a bit too!!

Lela, In either case - homebirth, hospital birth or Csection there's no right or wrong way. If you think it would give you some mental relief and some control over the situation then go for the Csection. I guess medically for my DS2 there was no reason I couldn't have tried for a VBAC, but I didn't. Csection or VB can take a bit of recovery afterwards anyway. You are more certain of needing a specified recovery period, but its not completely awful. It is a bit of an extra bother - taking a while to heal, but doable. I'd have a hard time deciding about what to do, anyone would - seems like a pretty big decision, and one you want to get right. But you can only do what you think is right, or right-ish right now.

What does your DP think? How long does your DP have off? Don't worry about posting either - I think your tendency is to bottle everything up but you don't have to here... XX

The risks of c-section are much lower, iirc, if it's elective rather tham emergency. A friend of mine had 2 sections precisely because she had a phobia about giving birth - this was in Glasgow, so I don't know about partic policies elsewhere - but she said the consultant was positively blase about it.

Write a list of pros and cons, such as time spent in hosp, recovery time, reduction in anxiety, ability to drive, etc etc and see if that clears things in your mind.

Hi Lela hope you don't mind me posting. I posted on your other thread and have been watching how you are doing and hoping that your health would improve and you could begin to enjoy pregnancy and look forward to being a mum. So sorry to read how badly you are still suffering.
Anyway I have had vaginal births and a planned C section so thought I'd tell you how I found them.
I'm a real coward with pain and I have long and slow labours so I have a lot of pain relief. My favourite birth was my third because it was a vaginal birth with an early epidural because of having a C section the time previous. For me it was the best birth no pain and once the epidural wore off I was as fit as a fiddle to look after my baby.
The C section was planned because of breech so it was nice and relaxed. Again I had an epidural and didn't feel much in theatre and ds looked beautiful because he hadn't been squashed on the way out.Once the epidural wore off there was a fair bit of pain because they cut your stomach muscles but I had regular painkillers. It took a while to recover and I needed help lifting the baby etc but I was ok within a fortnight and back to normal in a month.
Whatever choice you make will be the right one for you at that time though and really so long as you and baby get through it safely how it happens isn't that important.
Take care and keep fighting you can do this.

I think making a list of pros and cons is a great idea, do that and see how it comes out.

It is a big decision and not one anyone would be able to make quickly or easily. I could opt for a c-section for my next baby, it is up to me, and even though I am not pregnant I get all knotted even thinking about it. I feel like I should have a natural birth, but I am so scared I know I should opt for a c-section and just make sure I have the extra support in place to help me with recovery. (child care, stocked up freezer, family nearby etc)But it is a complex decision to make.

I think there is pressure on women to have this amazing "natural birth", and can get quite competitive about it.

This is flippant, but toss a coin, heads homebirth, tails c-section. Once you have flipped, it might make you feel more inclined to one or the other.

Dp is totally against me having a caesarian because he wont be able to have weeks off work to help me recover. My family, such as they are wont be there for me either so I have to take this into account.

He is worried about me coping with both pnd and physical recovery and I know he is right. But giving birth naturally is now like a horror film in my mind so I dont think I can really put myself through it.

Dp just had to literally put me to bed for a couple of hours as I'm just so distressed I cant cope. He want s help from the mental health ppl but the woman just called and there is nothing she can say to me that is helping right now, so nowhere left to turn.

Sorry i think this is me having a kind of breakdown.

Remember, you might not get pnd. You might actually feel better - it's got to be at least a possibility, I think. As far as physical recovery goes, you won't be able to drive for a while after caesarian but you also won't need to be running and jumping much either - just picking baby up, changing nappies, going for a short walk leaning on a pram / puschair, sleeping when he sleeps, (or at least putting your feet up) so you can take things slowly. I think you said once his family are supportive. Are they nearby? Would they help? If you have a natural delivery, even in hospital, you are often home within hours. At least with a section you'd be looked after in hospital for a few days. If you go to a mother and baby unit, would your dp feel less stressed about leaving you?

I'm sorry for the list of questions - just wondering how you can help settle his nerves too. You would have a mw visiting every day for a while then hv, so there will be support and I'm sure your friends would pop round to make you a cuppa. I also reckon a tummy that's stitched is less painful than stitches down below! (Only speaking as one who's had caesarians, obviously)

Wish I could be more helpful. Thinking of you xx

Hopefully this is as bad as it will get, Lela.

For what it's worth, I had a c-section and my husband was only off for two weeks - I don't know if your partner even has that, but if he does it's a good start. On the third week my mum came to stay but while it was nice to have her company, to be honest she wasn't really a help to me in terms of recovery. I still got up for all the nappy changes and did all the feeds (was breastfeeding anyway). If you're on your own straightaway it would be tougher but still doable.

Babies are needy at first but also sleep tons - and you sleep when they do. Sod the housework! And if you need food, go for easy options - cook/freeze now if you feel up to it (I meant to but only did it once), or there's no shame in takeaways and microwave meals when you're recovering.

If you do have a c-section, just make sure the scar gets lots of fresh air and that you have trousers/skirts with comfy waistbands. Don't push yourself too hard because painkillers will be dulling the pain at first, but you'll soon be able to walk about without discomfort (I found kneeling down the hardest thing to do - took a few weeks).

The midwife (and then the health visitor) will be visiting a lot in the days immediately afterwards and if you need help/mental support then you should be able to get it. Also, things may be different after birth. Someone I know on another forum suffered badly with antenatal depression too (in their case it made them convinced they were going to miscarry all the way through) and it went away after birth. I have no idea how common that is, and hate false reassurances but it is possible.

Thanks for the advice.

I think this is the better option for me in a lot of ways but then I worry about stupid things like my stomach muscles being cut through and permanently damaged. Everything just makes me ridiculously anxious right now.

His parents are not nearby or in a position to help out and he will only prob get 2 weeks paternity leave before he has to go away again.

I feel so sorry for him he is a lovely lovely man just at the end of his tether with this. I've told him to go out and have some time to himself but he wont.

You know when you are aware of how bad you are but pulling yourself together is no longer any kind of option, thats where I am really.

Look, your DH is there and he is helping, and, I think him being close to you is maybe necessary for his sanity. He is probably is full on protective mode, so dipping out is the farthest thing from his mind.

You feel scared and you have every right to, labour is scary. Just keep telling yourself, there is an end point to it. It will not last and you will get through it.

Yes your tummy takes a while to heal, but you can do exercises to get it into shape after a c-section.

If you BF, then the recovery from C-section is a bit more manageable as you can just lay in bed and feed at night, and not get in/out of bed.

If you have a cot with a removable side, then you can put this right next to your bed with one side off, and baby will be right next to you/DH. I had DH sleep on the "baby"side, so when DS woke, he passed him to me and did the winding/nappy changes.

It is all manageable. You can do it.

Whatever you chose will be the right thing for you.

Have you got any DVDs you can watch. If you want a bit of escapism, try watching "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" or "I love you man", both daft and silly.

Just to second FortunateHamster - my husband was only off for two weeks with me and then I stayed with my mother for a week. She made me meals but that was it really in terms of care etc - I could have probably just microwaved some dinners myself!
I don't really remember it being massively incapacitating to be honest, I could lift and sit up and do most things myself early on, driving I also probably could have done earlier if I had to.
Mine was an emergency as labour not progressing and baby distressed and I've not really confessed that it was a huge relief (and guilty feeling) that I'd avoided a 'normal' delivery. I would also dread a VBAC with no 2...
Not sure if it's an option but maybe you could get a "mother's help" a couple of days a week?

Lela, here in Fife there's something called homestart, which offers practical support by volunteers to families with children under 5 who are struggling for whatever reason. Might be worth googling to see if there's anything like that near you, and seeing what support they may be able to offer you.

your dp can post on here too, you know, if he wants advice on how best to support you.

Hi Lela, I had a c-section first time and second time, for no other reason than that I was scared of childbirth and desperately depressed first time, and just scared of childbirth second time.

I have never regretted either of them, even though I am the type to regret everything. I did worry beforehand though about the same kind of things you worry about. But they went really smoothly and my recovery each time was fine. As for stomach muscles - don't sweat it. I don't think it does permanent damage, but if it does it's probably minor. A natural birth would stretch other muscles!

I don't want unduly to influence you one way or the other, but whatever you choose, don't feel guilty. Your condition is more than enough 'excuse' for having a c-section, if an excuse were needed, which it's not.

Lela my dh only had two weeks off but I managed fine after CS with babe and an 18 month old toddler once he'd gone back.

This has been a huge help, thank you. Now thinking recovery may not be as drastic as I thought.

Dp has been amazing, he called the mental health ppl back and said we need more help and then called my sister and said I'm too afraid to tell anyone how ill I really am, so she came over and was actually really good to me.

I am due at the hospital on Friday and could argue for a caesarian then I guess if they are wanting to induce me, its juts finding the confidence to talk to drs about this. I should have let the midwife ring them today like she offered but I panicked and said I needed to think about it.

I dont think I am mentally well enough to go through labour. Not sure what I will do if it start before friday though.

Hi Lela so for how you are feeling at the moment. How you are feeling is nothing to be ashamed of. I know how it feels and I remember the certainty of feeling that I could not love my unborn baby, partly because of gender and also the conviction of depression that I could not be a mother like others. I was wrong on two counts. You know that for me it wasn't easy at first and there was no instantaneous falling in love. But it happened anyway and it hasn't affected my ds in the slightest - he is very sunny, happy, secure boy (well at least till the tantrums start - but you'll get through these too).

The first 8 weeks are the hardest. But these very quickly pass. And if you do not fall instantaneously in love with your son, you will very slowly become interested in all the things that he can do and the phases that he goes through; the first uncordinated movements of his arms and legs as his immature nervous system develops. The fact that scientists have proved that he will already know your voice as it resonates in your lungs down to your womb. How projectile newborn poo is, and how whether you bf or ff he can smell and hone on in that milk like a truffle hunter. The strange slanted mouth of a possible smile. And you will grow to know everything about him in a way you have never known anyone else. You will understand what his cries mean (eventually!)and know every facet of his body like no other - every mark and the strange things that make him unique - whether it is a crease on the ear on in my son's case a very unusual coccyx which made him look as if he had a stub of a tail (it's ok now - more fat has grown round it - but I was always reassured I could find my baby in a bottom line up!).

And if you have to go into a MABU, my experience was overwhelmingly good. The other mums in there were in the same position - on my first day in there I nervously bonded with another woman as we both whispered confessions that we didn't really like our babies let alone love them - and she is a good friend. Who absolutely adores her child now, as do all the other mums in there (we keep in contact).

Whether vb or cs only you can choose, but no way is worse than another when there is medical need (which there is for you). My Sil was driving to Waitrose two days after hers (I know not recommended!) and I knew one friend who discharged herself on the same day and pushed her baby in a pram to the park . It is major surgery and it does hurt but you are encouraged to be mobile asap, and many people have different pain thresholds and find it not too uncomfortable.

hth hugs x

Just checking in, Lela - I hope you're getting some sleep, but I wanted you to know we're all still here.

Morning, Lela. Hope things seem a bit brighter for you today.