Lelarose Desperately Depressed #2

[thatsnotmymonkey]

Hi Lela, I hope this is OK, come over here. We will all be here for you. xx

I also love Sasha. Know two lovely children called Sasha. One boy, one girl.

Lela, I was having a think about you last night and I was wondering about your anxiety. I think sometimes anger can manifest itself as anxiety, and depression can often be anger turned at your own self. I was wondering if this might be how you are feeling. Angry at yourself for not having a girl. These are probably all very painful thoughts that perhaps you don't want to think about so apologies if I am overstepping the mark.

Do you think you could bear to put the girls names you like on here? It might help us to suggest alternatives on some names you already had in your head.

Thinking of you.

Wow thank you all, lots of good suggestions there, just need to find ones me and dp actually agree on. Thanks for your help ladies.

Just popping on to wish you good luck lela,i envy you actually having a new baby to look forward to and welcome.[mummylin in disguise]

oh and i like the names Brandon / Elliot / jacob.

Thanks, but the problem with me is I'm not looking forward to my baby.
At all.

Today feels totally bleak. I had a show this morning and thought it meant something, but midwife says no. Am too tired even to get dressed and none of my clothes fit me anymore anyway so I'm sat like a sack of shit just eating crap and watching daytime tv. Have encouraged dp to go out for a bit as he must be going stir crazy as even walking is getting uncomfortable for me (is it normal to have inner thigh pain as if you've been exercising when you've been sat on your arse for the last couple of weeks?)

Sorry I'm just a bit sad and lonely today.

Every day I just want to ask for a caesarian but the midwife told dp last week "you dont get one just for being anxious".

I should be excited but I'm full of fear and dread. I'm the only person who can birth and mother this child and I just dont feel up to it. My self confidence has never been lower and I've never felt so isolated.

Lelarose a show does mean something - it does mean your cervix is softening and opening. It doesn't mean labour will start straight away that's all. It means you can put aside this idea that you are holding labour back. You are still totally within normal parameters.

Remember, just start your labour at home and see how you go. You may cope very well once placed in front of the situation. it will be a relief to finally deal with labour, which you have been dreading so long.

Lela, when I went a few days over, I was all about the fear and the dread, relieved only by the occasional I'm-sick-of-this-and-want-it-to-be-over mood. I remember going for a walk with my DH to try to get things moving and sobbing very publicly most of the way around.

It's very normal not to be excited. It is your prerogative at this stage to feel bloody fed up, uncomfortable, nervous and grumpy and it is for other people to indulge you.

So please don't feel apologetic or bad because you feel this way, it's no reflection of what kind of mother you will be. Everyone feels like that to some degree, I promise.

And the show is DEFINITELY progress. It might not mean that your bambino will arrive in the next few hours but you are definitely headed in the right direction. Your body is moving things along and it will get you through labour too. Promise.

And on the subject of baby names, are there any fictional male characters you like? I remember putting Josh and Sam on my list for DS because I liked those characters in the West Wing and would have quite liked DS to be like them.

Oooh my DS2 is a Josh and I really liked Josh in the West Wing (although we didn't name him after Josh in the West Wing). And DS3 is Toby and I loved how gentle Toby in the West Wing was. DH wanted Eanto for DS3 as he was really into Torchwood at the time but I put my foot down on account of not being able to spell it (not sure I've got it right here).

Lela I went 12 days overdue with DS1 so I know those feelings of fear and dread too. By day 7 onwards I'd wake up crying every morning with frustration.

Ok am just going to come out and ask something that has been bothering me all the way through this and is a huge part of my fear.

Will my vagina ever go back to "normal" again after the birth? I'm scared I'm going to ruin it forever, wreck my sex life and put dp off ever giving me the chance of another baby.

Sorry but I have to ask.

yy to the feeling miserable, to the eating crap and watching tv, to the oh-my-god-I-can't-do-this, to the random aches and pains. All normal, so I hope you can take comfort from the fact that you're nothing like as weird as you think you are! And I only went one day overdue with both (in my defence, they were giants, so I did feel quite heavy).

You've come a long way, lela, and you've got a good support network for all the new mother advice and tales of bonkersness you could ask for. We're all rooting for you.

It's dd's birthday today, so I'm remembering giving birth for the first/second time (I did deliver dd1, but she was so wee and not going to make it, so it didn't feel quite the same). dd was born to the strains of Deal or No Deal on the TV. Perhaps she'd have been Noel if she'd been a boy. With both dd and ds my overriding feeling when they were born was "Thank God" because we were all through the other side, rather than some great rush of motherly wonder.

Haven't posted for aaaages and I'm sorry about that but been reading and reading and willing you on lela.

Had to post to say that your fange will TOTALLY recover. I had a ventouse and a tear and a shit load of stitches, and while it did take about 6 -9 months to really enjoy sex again, ( was too tired for most of the time before that anyway) I'd say sex now is actually better before and my fange is (according to DH) no different. And believe you me, mine took a beating .

xxxx

I had a fairly big cut to get distressed ds out with rotational forceps.

Healed beautifully - never any bother.

Sex is as great as ever

That part of us was meant to stretch and go back to normal

And even better if you do pelvic floor exercises (apparently

Oooh Lela so glad you asked the question about vaginas, as had c-section with ds and I have never had the courage to ask anyone, and if I get pregnant again its good to know. Thanks madmouse and pipoca for sharing, and Lela for asking.

Yes thanks I'm so relieved by your answers I have no one in rl i can ask these things x

I had a grade 2 tear which was no trouble healing at all (honestly not very painful at all for me) but nonetheless worried for MONTHS about sex before daring to try. DH's verdict is that things are, ahem, quite a bit tighter than before! He's happy.

I'm getting more relaxed about it but it's taking a while to get my head around the fact that it's ok so not quite going at it with wild abandon yet. Also I'm breastfeeding so my libido isn't what it used to be but I see no reason why things won't be as good or even better than they were.

Third-degree tear with DS1 - thought I'd never get any better. Went on to have two more DSs - all three very big babies. I would be lying if I said things were exactly the same as before - but not far off.

Had a forceps delivery & a goodly amount of stitches. Every midwife who examined me declared my wound "Beautiful" apparently you could tell I had been stitched by a Dr. rather than a cack-handed midwife . I was beginning to think she'd embroidered a butterfly on my arse!

Sex the first time was very scary, but we took it slow, I had a BIG glass of red wine & we used plenty of lube. Totally fine - not sure what I panicked about TBH! DP declared it all to be in perfect working order & "Not at all like a wizard's sleeve" plus I'm enjoying myself just the same as previously IYSWIM

I did use a capful of Savlon in the bath for a few weeks following delivery just to be extra sure I didn't get any kind of infection. Didn't sting or anything, so worth having a bottle in the bathroom. I wasn't uncomfortable using the loo either but that was a bit scary the first time

Oh I'd forgotten - I used Lane's Tea Tree and Witch Hazel Cream on pads after birth. Felt lovely and cool and I'm sure it helped.

Can't believe I'm discussing this on an internet forum... but I had a full on birth experience too (will spare you the details at this delicate time!) and have been pleasantly surprised how it is fine down there.
I always thought that childbirth totally destroys your vagina, will be saggy afterwards etc, but it is bullshit, and another myth circulated to make women feel insecure about themselves (as if we don't enough already!). Basically it feels tighter if anything. So don't worry.

Do keep up those pelvic floor exercises though - it helps! And you are meant to do them after the birth too.

dd was 10lb 11oz, and got slightly stuck - I had 2nd degree tear and 4 stitches. Recovery was fine - used tea tree oil in the bath, and did use an ice pack wrapped in a towel to sit on for a couple of days, which worked fine. ds was 9lb 1 and came flying out - 1 stitch, no pain, healed beautifully. All in full working order now.

So excited to hear you have had a show - it really means things are beginning to happen. Hmm about the verjingo question - I really don't claim to be an expert as have not seen many others but looking at mine in the mirror I can tell I have had a vb because there is a scar from the episiotomy but physically I cannot tell the difference. Still feels the same to me.

Good luck

I never even got to have a show until after I was induced so it definitely means your body is making progress!

And I didn't have a vaginal birth but was worried that my c-section scar would freak me out for life (it took me a while to get to grips with having had an emergency c-sec) but now I'll happily look at it or poke it (hmm) without even a cringe. It's just part of me.

I had two 'normal' births and all is fine and funky Lela

I do/did pelvic floor exercises (you can do quite a good one using DP ) and now aware that is created issues.

I had ventouse and forceps. Sat on a cushion for a few days and took painkillers but it was nothing like the horror I had built myself up for. Really no big deal. I was nervous about having a poo but it was more in the mind. The problem with sex was just having the time and the energy.

Thanks very much for your replies, very helpful.

Things have unfortunately got a lot worse for me mentally and, after seeing the midwife this morning for another sweep which couldn't happen, I'm seriously considering a caesarian.

Quite frankly I am terrified. Not just of the physcial pain of giving birth but, basicallly, of having a son I dont know if I can feel anything positive for. I just feel like my life is compltely ruined. And yes I do know this is all my responsibility and that life isn't supposed to be easy.

I am wary of posting this in case I get criticised but I spent all day yesterday researching mistakes in gender scans so I am obviously quite mentally ill about all this and I cant find the way out. Eventually I broke down and dp said he cant cope with my distress anymore and feels we need outside help. When we saw the midwife he told her he doesnt think anyone realises how depressed I really am and that he doesnt know what to do anymore. She has called the mental health team but I dont feel talking to them helps anymore.

I am so scared of labour that the midwife says she could request a caesarian for me but I dont know how to make that decision. I'm worried about having major surgery unless it is totally necessary, but put it this way if they told me I had to due to baby being breech or something then I would be massively relieved. I could demand it with my midwife's support, but I haven't the nerve so this just drags on and on.

I dont know what to do i feel trapped and out of control like I dont want the baby to come at all. I woke up this morning dreaming it was a girl and the first thought I had before I woke up to reality was everything is ok now, I can do this, then woke up and felt just this horrible twisted fear and black depression- yes I really am that nuts.

Have been wary of posting due to criticism but am so lost now I dont know what to do.