Lelarose Desperately Depressed #2

[thatsnotmymonkey]

Hi Lela, I hope this is OK, come over here. We will all be here for you. xx

You may not feel like you've come along way -but you're still here, you're still getting up in the morning, after all this time. I think you should go with the birth you want - the consultant doesn't necessarily know you and what you'll/how you'll cope. I assume that you can get to a hospital relatively easily if there was a need? And that for a homebirth the midwife has discussed all the pain relief options open to you.

You're informed. Its your decision. I don't think there is a 'right' way or 'wrong' way in most cases - you just do what you feel is right at the time for you and your circumstances - its all you can do.

XXX

Hi Lela. Hope you're ok. Am I right in thinking your due date is tomorrow? If it's any consolation, both dd and ds arrived exactly one day after they were due, so it really shouldn't be long now, and then you'll be a bit less heavy and battered.

Thinking of you.

Thanks.

A woman I got talking to in a shop yesterday said waiting for your first baby is like knowing you're going to get jumped but not knowing when.

I couldnt have put it better myself.

That's brilliant. And quite true. My first signs of labour were an absolutely vile bad temper. Both times. And then with ds my waters broke on the landing as I was taking dd to the toilet. She looked at me, and said "Mummy, you can go too, if you want".

I am scared today though.

I'm scared when it starts I'm going to freak out and make it impossible for myself just through sheer terror of being so out of control.

Dp's in a bad mood (not with me but feels like it) and I feel like a frightened child but I cant ask him to reassure me right now- to be fair he does all the rest of the time, including the middle of the night.

I wish i had a mum.

Oh, sweetheart - will we do as a poor substitute? It starts very slowly, you know. That's why there are loads of "am I in labour?" threads, because it's mostly just a funny feeling of things being a bit different, to start with. And then it builds slowly, so that you have time to get used to it. Some people sleep in between contractions in early labour!

It's normal to feel scared, esp the first time. You're not being strange or freaky, or freaking out - you're being normal. And I don't think you'll freak out and panic. I think that that core of inner strength will take over and you'll be fine. I really think you will.

I just want to feel like "normal" women do- looking forward to meeting my baby. But I'm not.

A friend who is expecting a girl was round earlier and I'm unspeakably jealous- she said oh I so wanted a girl but I wouldn't have minded as long as they're healthy. Why couldn't I feel like that? Or just be having a bloody girl and not feeling do utterly depressed about it still.

Why cant I get over this.

Lela I've been lurking for a while and wanted to let you know that I think you are AMAZING.

I don't contribute because I am really not an expert in this field but my DH has suffered from depression in the past and I know how the mind can play tricks and whirr out of control. It is unspeakably hard to deal with.

Most of us grump and grouch our way through pregnancy and we really don't have anything to contend with. The fact that you have now almost reached your due date after everything you have had to deal with is a real achievement. You have fought every step of the way and, whilst I know how confused you are about having a wee boy, to continue as you have in the face of such mental pain and exhaustion has been an act of love and dedication.

I think you will be a brilliant mum and I hope that the happy hormones will kick in soon for you and the clouds will lift.

"to continue as you have in the face of such mental pain and exhaustion has been an act of love and dedication." Brilliantly put, and so true.

I'm so sorry that this is so hard for you, lela, but you have demonstrated your strength and fighting spirit, and you will beat this. I hope you're ok today - due dates are a bit rubbish, I think - you're sort of wandering round in a haze, thinking that it's a key day, but knowing that nothing might happen.

I think when the baby is born, and dp has had his surprise, you can open up to him about your worries, and you won't feel so alone. If you think it would help, point him to this thread, and show him that it's really not that rare, and that with the right support you will get through it.

Thank you both so much, you are very kind, even though I dont feel I deserve it.

I'm really very depressed today, I feel like a usueless lump of shit and I'm terribly disappointed in myself for not being able to come to terms with having a boy by this time.

I dont think he's coming today, I think I'll be late, just praying it doesn't come to getting induced.

I honestly thought I'd be able to come to terms with having a boy by now- thats why i found out during pregnancy. All thats happened is that I've been horribly depressed, had to take drugs and made the thought of the birth even more scarey for myself. this is so so hard to live with.

But you weren't to know that - you made what was really a very rational decision, and one that I think was probably the most sensible in the circumstances. You weren't to know how it would have turned out, any more than you know whether you would have tormented yourself with not knowing these last 20 weeks. tbh, I still think it's better that you found out, as you've been able to post about it here, and be honest, and get some of these hard thoughts out in the open. I do think it will making meeting your boy easier, as there'll be no "shock" - you'll be able to look him in the eye, and say, here's where we are, it's not what either of us planned or dreamed of, but it is going to be ok, and we're going to get through it together.

Birth and meeting your baby isn't always the "romantic" thing you see in films - mostly not - yet it's hard for any of us to shake that image. It's tiring, and I think you'll be relieved to meet your boy because then you'll know that labour is over, that you can stop worrying and working. The feeling of the baby slithering out is great, I have to say - a great sense of relief from your body.

You may only be a day or so late. I'm sending you my dc vibes, so that he comes tomorrow, at the latest.

I'll keep checking in today - I'm sure you'll feel quite mopey. Think everyone does on due date! So much of what you're feeling is normal, you know? You're not so strange, and you are absolutely deserving of support.

I am so sorry you feel so very depressed Lela, I think you are doing remarkable well in recognising things.

I think as a Mum that even if it takes a while to bond, your concerns about him will help you try hard for him despite your own feelings. Which makes you a good Mum already.

I had abuse issues, and I have struggled with having a girl. Because as she grows through each stage that something bad happened in my life, it has triggered flashbacks and depression in a way that for some reason, having my son didn't. I am now in deeper counselling and on higher AD's than I have ever been because I irrationally can't stop projecting onto the her in my head, what happened to me. And then something inside screams for the little girl me that no one was there to protect.

Don't be too hard on yourself with guilt, it serves no purpose. My son and I are very different, and lordy our relationship can be hard work, but Lela, he is an outstanding young boy and the bond of love and closeness is something so precious it takes my breathe away.

Don't put pressure on yourself to 'feel' instantly. You are amazing at realising he has needs that perhaps you might have to work a little harder at. IMO 'pretending' convincingly can be enough. I can't thnk of good examples, but for instance, I actually hate reading with my DC's. There is lots of stuff I like doing, but I just get no joy from it.

But I do it, and put enthusiasm in my voice, tell them I love reading with them and praise them. It seems to have worked, and in the end I dislike it less because the habit of doing it takes over.

I was lucky with my births I guess. But someone said think of it with pain with a purpose, and it got me through. As did visualising the pain as a wall to get past. And getting mad and having a chance to shout .

I am rambling, sorry. But you are very much not a useless lump of shit and you deserve all the help and support you get. xx

Lelarose

I have been reading your threads since you first posted. I am sorry I haven't posted before. I am just coming out of a long bout of depression and I am sorry to say reading your pain was very difficult. Partly because I absolutely know that pain you are feeling. I have this insane need to come and scoop you up as it seems like you are so sad and in pain.

I understand why you are having such suicidal thoughts. I used to dream of being given a general anaesthetic, just to take me away from the misery I was feeling.

When I was pregnant with my first dc, who is now 5, I suffered from really terrible ante-natal depression. When I found out he was a he, I fell into a huge depression. I couldn't imagine ever bonding with him. He wasn't name for a few days after he was born. My dh couldn't understand how I was feeling. I know now all he wanted to do was to be able to fix it for me. To make me better. And I know I wished that was all he could do.

I am still on anti-depressants, and seeing a psychotherapist. My ds is 5, nearly 6. I adore him. In fact, I would say now, what I went through then has only intensified our bond.

I am not a prolific mumsnet poster. But when I hear and see someone in as much pain as you, I wish with all my heart I could make it better for you. But I will continue to hold your hand by reading this thread, and continuing to post. You are very very ill. Do what you need to do to get through the day, and if that is moping under the duvet, do it. I think sometimes the fighting it is more painful than surrendering to it. Sometimes you have to sink before you can float back up. Depression is like a wave. You are bobbing in the sea. Some days you manage to stay up and float, other days you are taken down by a wave and the strength of the current. But the constant trying to keep afloat is exhausting. Just because you choose to go under does not mean you are going to drown.

lw

Thank you so much for sharing your experiences. It does help me to know that other woman have struggled with the gender of their children, as I feel like such a monster sometimes.

I cant stop this awful fantasy from entering my heasd that when I give birth I will find out there's been a big mistake and I do have a girl really. Just the thought if that makes me feel so wonderful, I love everything about the idea of having a girl and bringing her up. I cannot feel anything positive at all about having a boy whatsoever and I would give ANYTHING to feel differently about this.

Just posting to say, not long now lela and look how far you have come.

I think that the closer you get to labour the further away having a baby can seem. It is as you will never have birth-well that is how I felt!

Then your are in it and your body will get on with it.

It is funny that you said that you missed your mum, when I was in labour amongst other things I called out for my mum. It is primal and you feel those urges to be nurtured and taken care of. Your DH will be present and it sounds like you have an amazing MW too.

Thinking of you xx

Well, what fab people have come out for your due date. It makes me wonder how many other people have been following the thread and cheering you on, wanting to ease your pain but not quite ready or feeling the need to voice it. So you thought you had some people supporting you and it turns out there were many more all along - not judging you or criticising, accepting you the way you are and trying to find the words that would make it more bearable for you. This day seemed so far off at the start, but you made it. Whatever happens in labour, your midwife and her colleagues have seen it all before, nothing will shock them. I was so nervous about having an epidural put in, I asked the anaesthetist how many he had done, he was like "Oh, thousands". He was fab, your midwife will be too.

Morning Lela

Just wondering how you are this morning. I completely understand your feelings. It must be a big burden to be carrying these anxieties. I am so glad you are able to voice them on this thread. As far as I can work out you are nowhere near London, but if you were I would be round in a flash to hold your hand. I hope you continue to find a little respite on here during this very painful time.

Hi Lela,

Just checking in. Hope you're ok.

Hi there. Feeling really crappy today, exhausted and depressed and no sign of baby coming yet.

Really panicking over names- I cant stand the pressure of deciding between boys names I dont even like after the birth with everyone asking me. Find this really heartbreaking, as I'd love to give my child a name I'm truly happy with, but in my case I only seem to like female names. It may sound silly but its really getting to me. I must have been through every book and every website and still cant find anything that I actually really like. Its a horrible feeling thinking that I'll have to just make do with something.

Also battling thoughts like there's a one in hundred chance they made a mistake and I don't have to bring up a boy after all. Its incredible how that thought can literally light up my life, it feels sooo good, and yet I know its complete nonsense. I'm just doing that bargaining with god thing you do when you're totally desperate.

Hey Lela, what about your husband's name? Has he got a middle name that's nice or a family name he could pass down? That way, maybe it doesn't have to be as perfect as the girls names you like, because it would have a special family meaning? Sorry if it's already been suggested.

I'm using my partner's name as a middle name, but wouldn't at a first name and there's no other family names I want to use- I dont like his dad's name and I dont want the bay having any connection to my family.

Didn't realise how much this would upset me.

Lelarose I suspect that as you cannot imagine what it is like to have a little boy, who is an individual rather than 'a boy' you would have great difficulties naming him.

It is genuinly ok to wait until you meet him and see what he looks like. Together with dp you will find a name that fits this particular little fella.

I do hope your labour starts quickly - however you feel about having a baby by this time you just want things over with!!

But...as much as you can, try to avoid sitting around waiting for labour to start - this is the time to make little walks with dp and generally potter around the house. Being gently active does help bring on labour and helps it to progress better too.

Is there a man in your life, directly or through school, the entertainment world, that you admire that you could draw on? Not necessarily that the name would be your most ideal, but that that person has qualities that you admire? Maybe someone gentle or inspiring?