Lelarose Desperately Depressed #2

[thatsnotmymonkey]

Hi Lela, I hope this is OK, come over here. We will all be here for you. xx

You could go for a name like Rowan, which is quite neutral.

I think when he's born it'll be better as the unknown, and the possibilities are plaguing you at the moment, and solid facts, even if they're not the ones you want, will be easier to deal with.

Hope it starts soon for you.

I agree with Madmouse. Would it be ok for you to wait till he is born? My ds wasn't named for days. It's ok to not know. And it's ok to feel so terrible. You are going through a really difficult time. When you are in that place sometimes it can be overwhelming, like you are going to be there forever. Is there really anything I can do practically to help?

You get weeks to decide - you only have to look at the baby names board to see that loads of people don't decide on a name until after the birth - or even change it months later! He might be one of those babies where you know his name, or one that would suit him, soon after birth :)

Thanks guys. I should just take the pressure off about the name, and anyway since this morning I've now moved on to obsessing about whether I should ask for an elective caesarian, because I dont know if I can handle this level of fear and anxiety much longer.

I don't want to go for the sweep tomorrow, I'm too scared.

But then I just want this to be over.

luckywinner thank you so much for the lovely kind offer but I dont know what anyone could really do to help other than what you are all already doing, which is pretty incredible really.

Unless anyone fancies giving birth for me??

Urgh, Beer - way to trash a childhood memory! I shall never look at Sooty in the same light again...

Lela, have you bought in stocks of Forbidden Foods for after the baby's born? I was craving runny eggs and blue cheese. Might be nice to get dp to get in things you've not been allowed all this long.

He's got me a bottle of champagne and thats all I care about.

He's amazing, all he does is shop and cook for me and all I do is eat and cry.

If I dont go for the sweep tomorrow I can have one on Friday.

Everything is scaring the shit out of me.

I had a sweep and it was fine, not sore, not anything really. It is about as intrusive as putting a tampon in, it is nothing. Honest. I had one and the next day I went into labour.

I was very indecisive about my birth plan, and I was "determined" to have a natural birth for the following reasons
1- no stress to baby
2- drug/intervention free- better for recovery
3- control, I needed to feel like I had control

As it happend I had a water birth that went tits up (due to a rare and specific issue that is NOT the norm), but also a teeeny bit in part to me feeling like a I was losing control and asked for drugs, In the end I had to have an emergency cesearan.

Now, as much as I would like to have a natural birth next time, I know that I got freaked in labour, and I know that as much as I had prepped for the birth I wanted in my head, in the end, safe delivery of a healthy baby is paramount. That means I will have an elective cesearan next time.

I wanted to tell you that, not to scare you, but to say, have a birth that makes sense in terms of having a safe delivery and a healthy delivery. If that means you are flat on your back with no feeling in your legs, so be it. There is a choice there if you want it.
Sometimes there is this pressure to have a "natural birth", like it is a badge of honour. You do what is right for you.

I hope I have not freaked you out! xx

You don't have to have a sweep - 2 days over isn't much (though I know it feels like a lifetime!).

Give dp some instructions for how to calm you when it starts. generally speaking it'll start slowly, so you can have a bath, a cup of tea, get a comedy DVD on TV, have dp paint your toenails, do distracting stuff. If you feel like eating, eat small quantities of carbohydrate to give you energy - some cereal, toast, etc. I've just remembered that I used to do Sudoku puzzles when paralysed with fear before scans - somehow the way it forced my brain to focus stopped me having the space to panic, somehow.

make sure there's bread, butter, tea and milk in the house. Post-birth tea and toast is a meal for kings.

thatsnotmymonkey I'm so freaked out now that I do want a caesarian I just dont know how to ask for one. I said at my last ante natal appointment that I was beginning to think thats what I wanted and the dr and midwife laughed at me, saying I was going from one extreme to another (ie from my homebirth).

What they fail to understand is that I didn't plan a homebirth because I'm a naive hippy who imagines a pain free natural delivery with no drugs - the dr felt it necessary to tell me it wont be painfree- but I thought that at home I would have a better chance of not totally freaking out, and made sure i can still have diamorphine, which I'm now thinking is my only hope of not having some kind of psychotic episode (I'm serious).

Can I ask you, how long did it take you to recover from your cs and how did you cope with the baby? how far into the labour do you think I could ask for one if need be?Also was there permanent damage to your stomach muscles? I hope you dont mind me asking xx

I haven't had a CS, but my sister had 2 - 1 em-CS as labour was failing to progress, and then 1 el-CS after that. She recovered well from both - you have to spend a few days in hospital, which in some ways helps, as there are people on hand to help you with the baby and get used to bf, etc, but means that you'd be on a ward with other people and dp would have to go home at night.

I'm annoyed that the dr and mw laughed at you. Tokophobia (fear of childbirth) is a recognised psychological condition, and they should talk over all your options with you sympathetically with that in mind.

Is it worth starting a thread to see how people who were afraid of childbirth and had a good outcome managed it? One of us can start one if you want?

OK, I posted not to freak you out, and like I said my situation was extreme and not something that could happen again.

I think you should have in your mind, that if you decide on a homebirth- which sounds like a good choice with a good MW and puts you in a situation that you feel secure in-that part way into your labour you could not say "Fuck, I have made the wrong choice, c-section please!!"

My consultant OBGYN has said to me that I would have to decide what I wanted to do BEFORE labour started. I think because it is a serious surgery it is something they would rather plan for and not something they do on the hop because a labouring mum is demanding it!

I think you should have that convo with your GP, can you begin labour and if you are not coping, ask for a c-section?

It took me a little over 6wks to recover fully. I was able to BF straight away, I did need help getting DS in/out of moses basket to feed and then change nappy. I could walk and shower and cook and all that stuff. I felt alot better that I was, in that C-sections take a while to heal, but you will feel more agile than you are! I think after one week I was able to walk, dress fine and shower. I think after 3 weeks I was able to walk and hold my DS who was a titch a 5lb6oz.

My tummy muscles are still not fully back together 2 years later mainly due to my lazyness. I do zero exercise, but about 3m afetr birth I did some mummy yoga (was fantastic!) which I think did help. I am back to a size 8/10. I have a bit of a pot belly that I don't think will ever be flat, but I couldn't give a fig about that. If you do the exercises that they recommend then your stomach will return to its former shape and tone. I have a much more motivated friend than me, and her tummy is FLAT.

Talk to your GP and MW about exactly what your options are and how far down the line can you go and then ask for a c-section? How far will they let you go, do they know your mental health issues?

Really and Truly I would do it all again in a flash for the baby I was given at the end of it all. I know you will be fine, you have nerves of steel and an unwavering resilience.

xx

I do not have nerves of steel I can assure you.

I literally feel on the verge of a breakdown.

Where's dp just now, lela? You need to be able to wind yourself down tonight, and try to be calm. Can you get him to just hold you tight, let the panic out in a safe pair of arms, and see if you can let some of the stress out?

It will be ok, no matter what, it will, but you need to get through just now and tonight.

Lela, here is what you are going to do:

Write down your fears about the birth on a piece of paper. Put them in an envelope. Seal it and put it somewhere safe. In the morning you are going to call your MW and open the envelop and talk through your fears.

Go and make yourself a nice cup of rooibus tea and get into bed. Count back from 100 breathing in for ten, out for fifteen.

You are OK. x

My homebirth midwife is on holiday til the weekend and if I tell any of the hospital ones they will just tell me I need to be in hospital.

Dp is here and just keeps telling me I will be ok but I dont believe that anymore.

Will just have to see if I can face the sweep appointment in the morning.

I just found all this information about scans that are wrong about gender and its got my hopes up. I am a fucking nutcase, I do not even recognise myself anymore, I do not feel in my right mind.

Lela, do you think you can get some sleep tonight? I think practising some breathing techniques to relieve stress might help tonight; you just need to find a way to bring yourself back from the edge of panic. I know that I get annoyed if DH says things like "it'll be ok" when I really don't feel like it - sometimes all you want is to be acknowledged, for someone to say "I know, I know. This is how you feel right now, and it's not nice". It isn't nice to feel like this, lela, it's rotten for you.

But (to go back on myself - apologies!), it's a wave of fear, a completely understandable one. Ride it out, let it go through you and pass.

Can you bring yourself to listen to your hypnobirthing CD, quietly, lying down in DP's arms, and see if you can bring yoru mind just to focus on what it says? Just to get through this wave of fear?

Hi lela

Just wanted to say I am thinking of you so much and was very much in your shoes 18 months ago and everything has changed for the better for me and I am so sure it will for you too.

I had a sweep and didn't find it paticularly unpleasant or invasive and my midwife was very gentle and made it seem like an everyday occurance (which in all fairness it probably was for her). It wasn't something that I'd particularly looked forward to, but after a few days of latent labour that was going nowhere it did get things started very quickly - although equally some friends who hae also had sweeps with late first babies found it didn't do anything at all as the cervix was not ripe.

Like you I was overdue, hating being so pregnant but also dreading each day which would bring me closer to dreaded labour and a baby that I wasn't sure I could love or even care for. I felt queasy knowing that my baby had and was going to come out one of two ways, but I didn't like the idea of either. In the end my body decided things for me and despite mentally really fighting labour my son was born. I thought I would be hyperventilating with fear and having panic attacks while in labour but I didn't and just felt the strangest calm.

As you know, things didn't go so smoothly for me post-natally with an admittance to a MABU but in hindsight it was wierdly enough probably the best thing to ever happen to me. I received the best care, met some wonderful people and slowly got my confidence back in being helped to care for my son and take steps back to being a stronger and more confident person.

I am sure that you will not go through this, but if there is a very small chance that you do, you know that you can go into a MABU and receive the best help to recover.

Regarding loving your son; it may not happen immediately - babies are funny battered crumpled creatures when they arrive and taking care of them in the early weeks does feel a bit like taking care of an ungrateful tiny drunkard who sleeps, feeds, poops and cries to their own schedule absolutely oblivious to the chaos they create, but it does get better as their personality develops and gain more awareness - and when they start trying to smile back at you

I do very much love my son now, but it took time. I didn't much like my husband or some friends when I first met them - and they didn't give me stretch marks or stitches.

If it helps the love I feel for my son transcends gender. Although his gender is very much part of who he is, I do not love my son because he is a boy nor do I love him despite his gender. I love him because of all sorts of frivolous and not so frivolous reasons - because he has very, very chubby cheeks, because his eyes are very blue, because he has such a lovely smile, because he has a very sunny personality and loves to hug and snuggle - all the same types of reasons that you fall in love with someone in real life.

If you do want to breastfeed but need medication; in many cases you can continue to breastfeed (I'm still on medication and bf but it's never been an issue).

You will be a great mother and you are one already. Despite your immense suffering you are concerned for the health and wellbeing of your son.

You will get through this xx

Checking in, lela. Hope you had some sleep.

Morning Lela

Hope your sweep goes ok.
I have spent the morning trying to iron while actually sobbing at the Chilean miners. Did you watch any of it?

The offer of doing anything to help still stands btw , but so glad this thread is helping.

Just saying hi and checking how the sweep went. I've had 2 C-sections and they were both OK. I could pick up the baby and carry them around after the first 24h (one was 5lb 5oz and one was 9lb 13oz). Did take a god 4 weeks to feel 'normalish' but was much better after the first week. My stomach muscles are fine. I did have slight separation of the mid-line ones think everyone does to an extent) but that was from pregnancy not the c-section. No issues at all - I think they tend to part the muscle fibres rather than cut if they can. But it still is abdominal surgery, so is always going to be sore. I went to a Step class at 9 weeks post-C-section with DS2...so I must've felt pretty good by that stage (altho' it was my back that was more the problem, again from pregnancy rather than anything else).

Hi there.
Thanks for asking after me.

Well, I woke up at 5am feeling terrible and got myself in a total state telling dp I want a caesarian. He is understandably reaching the end of his tether with this, and worries because there is no way he can have 6 weeks at home to help me recover and I have no one else.

The upshot is I never went for the sweep. I just felt too fragile and exhausted and this is only my second day overdue so I just couldn't face being interfered with like that today iyswim, and was scared if it put me into labour I wouldnt be able to cope on so little sleep. So I went back to my bed til lunchtime and am going to have it on Friday instead.

If I had went today I know I would have completely broke down at the hospital and it probably wouldnt have done me much good.

I caught dp with his head in his hands last night when he never knew I was watching him and it cracks me up how much I am stressing him out. He is really very kind and patient. He told me today that he cant ever go through this with me again though, so looks like this will be my only child.

fluffy its really good to hear from you again and thanks so much for reminding me about your experience, thats exactly what I needed to hear right now, please keep in touch if you can.

Youre all amazing- dp says are you on that bloody mumsnet again?? little knowing about all of you and what you have meant to me these last few months. From the bottom of my heart thank you for your continued support, it stops the sheer lonliness of these feelings from totally overwhelming me and I need to know there are those of you who have been like this and come out the other side xxx

Good for you. Another crisis you've come through, intact, if shaken. DP will be ok - it's hard, but you'll get through it together. And be stronger for it.

Look, don't think too much about the future - if watching all these miners (all day!) tells us anything, it's that amazing and wonderful things can and do happen. You'll have your own Fenix moment, lela - have faith, and we'll all stick with you.

Hi,

Sounds like a good decision on the sweep, look after yourself, it's only a day or two.

My colleagues grandson only just got named, think he's a couple of weeks old now. If I'm honest I wish I could have changed my mind when I saw DS, the name that would suit him perfectly my brother wanted for his baby and it had special meaning for his wife so there you go.

Like the idea of a gender neutral name - I wanted Alex, we changed our minds after the scan for some reason.

Thinking of you. Sorry the doctor and MW don't seem to get you. I found most of the midwives in the hospital absolutely great. Sure yours will be too.