Lelarose Desperately Depressed #2

[thatsnotmymonkey]

Hi Lela, I hope this is OK, come over here. We will all be here for you. xx

good stuff Lela, "bring it on" indeed x

Yup....fighting spirit - bring.it.on indeed! You can do it my dear!

Hi Lela; really thinking of you right now. Am glad to hear that your dp is being really suportive and that you're talking great fighting talk.

Flying into the unknown is always disconcerting; but labour really isn't scary - your body will know what to do. And you will love your son; it may be instantaneous which is fab and a relief; or it may take a little more time and that's fine too.

It's ok to just concentrate on meeting your newborn's daily needs without feeling immense adoration towards him, as that is still a form of love and part of being a good mum. The love will happen though - it may take you a bit by surprise as it may suddenly sneak up on you when you least expect it.

Wishing you the best, please update when you can

Love your last post, Lela. Bring it on! :)

Hi Lela, just checking in. And to say that much as we are all cheerleading your fighting spirit, please do post if you need to, no matter how you feel - whether you're still in bring it on mode, or have had a wobble - whatever. This thread is about you, not us, so do keep posting.

Yes, absolutely...we're not here for just 'fair weather' support. xxx

Well thanks guys, because after all my fighting talk, today has been a massive wobble.

Had antenatal appointment this morning and the dr (who I'd never met before)was really negative about homebirth and basically saying you don't know how you're going to deal with the contractions, you should be in hospital as your so anxious, and you'll probably want an epidural. I wasn't actually that anxious today, but she had read on my file that I have been. I asked her is it not normal to be scared of childbirth, as she was writing this down on my notes as if it was necessary. She made me feel stupid and irresponsible for wanting a homebirth despite dp (who for once was there) explaining that I am scared of hospitals- she just literally talked right over him. Then said I've to have a membrane sweep in a weeks time.

So the homebirth midwife called to see how i got on and says oh dont listen to them, we'll do your sweep, then announces that shes off until next weekend, so if i go before then it will be with total strangers (I know she is entitled to her days off and no one usually gets to pick their midwife I'm just frightened). She also told me I should pick up a prescription she had requested for diamorphine at the hospital today but when I asked they said they'd never heard of a patient being allowed to do this and acted as if I was being outrageous.

Sorry to go on I'm just so confused and upset and very very frightened. I feel very strongly that I dont even want a baby at all anymore, and all of this conflicting advice just adds to it.

I'm scared of everything- the pain, not feeling safe with any of these people, not wanting the baby when its born, even totally mad stuff like thinking that he is ugly (god forgive me but he really looks it in the scans- I know this is stupid but it just adds to my fear that I'm a freak who cant love their own child to be even having these thoughts). Dp is trying to be supportive but I dont think a man can possibly understand what I'm going through facing childbirth.

Sorry for the long whinge, just really struggling today.

Oh argh pants for the negative attitude to home births in your hospital, pants pants pants and a consultant talking out of her arse wrt pain relief!

Thing is - you don't have to stay at home. If you don't cope you go to hospital - you can decide that during labour! I had to go in to hospital halfway my labour because my blood pressure went up. DH drove me, all very civilised.

And to be made to feel like that for picking up a diamorphine prescription is just pants and unnecessary.

But hun you are doing the right thing. i fail to see how anxiety makes hospital the right place to be and I have a feeling that you have a humungous pain threshold, so why would you need an epidural any sooner than another person.

Keep going Lela - you have dp on your side and you will get there.

You don't actually 'have' to have a sweep - it can help bring on labour if your cervix is ready and if you're starting to open up it is worth doing. But don't be bullied..

And my ds looked hideous in the scan, like some weird skeleton, but as you can see from my profile he's gorgeous, even though he has disabilities he's totally edible.

Deep breath, cup of tea, something to eat.

Hi lela you absolutely can go for a homebirth. Please ignore that dr. who doesn't know you at all, and instead listen those that do know you (i.e. that midwife). Also regarding the diamorphine. Try and ignore those that seem judgemental because they haven't got a clue about your circumstances.

I really hope your helpful midwife will be around when the time is right, but even if not, you still have a right to a home birth and no one can force you to go anywhere. Your DP is there now, he can fight for you.

Regarding the ugliness thing - ALL babies look ugly on scans - really, truly. All of them do. Some of them come out ugly and squashed and puffy, but that's just going through the birth canal, and they soon smooth out.

My DS looked like Winston Churchill. But oh how I loved the little scrap.
I had a home birth Lela, played music, soft lighting (as soft as was practical)... find a wee bit of courage to claim this experience as your own Lela... as madmouse says, if at any point you change your mind, that is OK.

I think you are a truly remarkable woman, to have fought on through your fears and clung on to get to this point. I think you will also make a remarkable mummy and I hope you make peace with your fears and uncertainties so they make way and give you a chance to enjoy the journey ahead.

take care of your self Lela, and from the bottom of my heart, I hope your demons are vanquished in time and you get every bit as much pleasure from your son, as I get from mine. xx

Wobbling is perfectly normal too. It annoys me that doctors keep telling you not to do a homebirth - they should respect that's what you want and be advising you on how to make a hb better, rather than to avoid one. At least the midwife is supportive - I'll be crossing my fingers that she'll be there for your delivery but if not hopefully her stand-in will be just as good.

I have to say something silly now - I was really worried my baby wouldn't be 'cute' and that everyone would have to make polite remarks about him. I tried staring at my scan to see what he'd look like - didn't work! In the end, I say with complete bias that he's the cutest baby in the world. He's probably not, of course, but to my eyes he's just beautiful.

You're right I think in that a man can never truly know what a pregnant woman goes/must go through - but support from a dp is invaluable and yours will be by your side.

lela - have to post and run as dcs Will Not Shut Up - but will be back anon. fwiw, dd looked like a demon on scan.

Oh you are all so wonderful I'm so lucky to have such support.

Better than the new mental health nurse who was meant to be here at 4 this afternoon but never turned up. I just called her and she said shed been trying to call me today but I know thats not true, think she just forgot. Now I wont see anyone from mental health til after the birth, oh well, what can you do.

madmouse I've never admitted this before but you may understand- I was abused as a child by someone in my family (it wasnt really serious but I know it wasnt right and makes me feel sick about them and me, and I have no contact with this person as a result)- and this is another reason why I didn't what a boy, not because I think all males are abusers but because I'm paranoid that the baby looks anything like this person. Crazy I know but there you go, I am.

babies tend to look a lot like their fathers at birth, at least, lela - think i read something about an evolutionary biology reason for it; to convince the father the baby is theirs, but that may be guff.

You're not crazy, lela. pfft to all that.

My consultant is the obs of choice for all the staff at the hospital, and v well liked - he's quite anti-intervention, and said he thought sweeps were a bit of a waste of time - if the baby is ready to come the sweep will "work" iyswim, if it's not it won't. So you may as well just wait, acc to him.

Lelarose thanks for sharing that - it means a lot. And no it is not odd at all to have that fear. I know at least two women who suffered at the hands of male family members who have at times struggled with this.

And my abuser was not a family member but I struggle with the fact that after band practice in my church we all hold hands to say the grace, because one of our (very lovely!!) key board players looks like him - just a bit. Thankfully my very good friend is the band's sound engineer and he always makes sure he's on one side of me and usually it works out ok. But I'm in my mid thirties and I know this guy can't hurt me. Still it triggers me.

I can only pray for you that your lovely baby won't look one iota like him so that you can put that fear to rest immediately xx

How annoying you were dealt with by some unprofessional people at the hospital. I've said it before and I'll say it again - I was birth phobic and I would have loved a home birth. You have no idea how you'll experience labour - if you change your mind when it starts it's not a biggie. Do me a favour and have a look at Birth Skills by JuJu Sundin. It really helped me relax about birth before hand, which is half the battle.

Thinking of you, Lelarose...

Hope you're feeling ok, lela.

I'm going a bit nuts wondering when labour will start and realise i could have another week or two of this. Wish I had more self confidence that i can get through it without freaking out, but its all been drained away over the last 9 months.

It doesn't help being told by the dr that I won't cope with the pain.

None of the people closest to me have actually been through this and its very isolating. Times like this I wish i had any kind of relationship with my mother.

I don't feel safe, I'm scared of it starting and then I'm totally out of control and have to see it through no matter how bad it gets. I sound like such a drama queen I know its just obviously I've never been through anything like this before.

And I still dont have a name for him!

I dont know why your doc said that about you not coping with the pain ,everyone is different and who is to say that when it finally happens for you that you wont be a real trouper and bear it well.Spend the time you are waiting now to check that you have everything you need,treat yourself to a relaxing foot massage or something like that.

I dont feeel like I've come a long way at all. I still feel awful every single day that I'm having a boy and dont know how I'm going to come to terms with this. Its very very lonely. I wish I wasnt even pregnant now.

I know, sweetie, but you really have come a long way. You've battled a lot of demons and you thought you wouldn't get past them. Right now, try not to worry about how you'll come to terms with it, just know that you will. This last stage is a PITA, as is your doctor. Stuff her, I say. You've coped with worse! I had no pain relief in the end with dd, and all I can remember is seeing Deal or No Deal on the TV, and an anti-smoking advert - nothing about the pain at all.

DS didn't have a name until he was a day old, and a friend of mine didn't name either of her sons until they were about 6 weeks old, or however long you're allowed by law.

New babies are really nice to cuddle. When he comes, just cuddle him, tell him you're scared and worried, but you'll give it a go, and that all his internet fairy godmothers know you'll be a fantastic mother.

If not a long way in terms of the fears you're feeling, you've come a long way in terms of pregnancy. When you had the scan, could you even imagine getting this far? Yet you did.

And now, how many weeks pregnant are you (sorry can't remember, is it around 38/39?)? If you're near the end, you can only be pregnant for two more weeks max, say, and then anything could happen.

If you are still feeling awful post-birth, you can seek more/different treatment that you couldn't have while pregnant, or may be able to go into a mother and baby unit. There is also a chance that you will feel better. I'm not going to try and say it'll definitely be one or the other but things will be different and there will be support options.

How are you finding being around your partner and coping with it all now he's home? Is it better in some ways but hard because you can't convey to him what you're going through? Have some silly internet ((hugs)).