If a child fails a music exam, what is the best thing to do?

[Dumbledoresgirl]

Ds1 (13) has just failed his grade 4 flute. I am gutted as I thought he was playing really well and his teacher seemed so confident. He passed grade 1-3 easily enough.

So, what should he do? The teacher is leaving it up to ds1 to decide but ds1 won't talk about it - he is going through the classic monosyllabic teen phase - and I feel I should know more about the pros and cons of each option.

Should he retake? Retake with same pieces or different ones? Not bother with a retake and move on to grade 5?

Does anyone have any experience of doing one of the above? I don't want him to give up playing and I think the exams are good to keep him motivated and practicing (they don't seem to stress him at all) but equally, I don't want to spoil the whole experience for him by pushing into an option he is not happy with.

I bet he's gutted. Did he get any feedback to tell him where he went wrong so he can work on the area/s?

If he enjoys it then he should stick with it, look at the feedback, this helps.

I think you should give him the 3 options and ask him to decide. He's old enough to make up his own mind now.

Unless there were special circumstances (nerves/some sort of drama immediately prior to exam) then all 3 are viable options.

If he has developed an issue with the exams then maybe he would be better off learning to play things he's interested in and not do them any more.

I used to play the flute but hardly ever do now. I'd love to play in a band/orchestra again - maybe that's something to consider for him?

So far, we have only had feedback via an email from his teacher. It seems he did well in his first piece and his aural test and ok in his scales (but he was only asked to play one scale - I assumed that meant he played it well but seemingly not as his marks were only ok rather than good ) but poorly in everything else.

He isn't acting gutted. He is haring around downstairs with his siblings while I am upstairs crying about it. But that is him all over - no feeling shown whatsoever.

Yes JAMM, I see sense in what you say. He is old enough to decide really, and I should stop taking the decision (and the disappointment) onto my own shoulders.

He enjoys playing for himself, but he hates performing to audiences so he refuses to take part in the school orchestra which I think is a great shame. I can see this is not going to go much further, which is the greatest shame of all, but typical of most children (myself included).

I doubt it matters as much to him as it matters to you.

Just give him a hug and don't over-worry about it. He'll soon tell you whether he wants to continue or not.

Thank OMDB

Cynical LOL @ giving him a hug though. I wish I could but he hasn't let me in years.

It's clear to me that it is not enjoyable to him. Let him drop it. It's not like driving lessons, where you are only allowed to do it if you pass. He's allowed to do it for the rest of his life whether he passes or not, and the point of music is the enjoyment.

Can you record his pieces and I'll have a listen, to give you another opinion? I teach violin but have a flute playing DS so should be able to help.

Maybe take the exam again with different pieces if the scales/sight reading/aural marks were low and show that he needs more practise.

Was the exam with ABRSM? He should definitely have been asked more than one scale...

He is at that age (as my mother would say). You're doing all the right things, providing opportunities and supporting him. It would be 10x worse if he was upset and you couldn't help him.

It's not easy being a parent.

How easy should it have been to pass? Curious as I had no natural musical ability, definitely didn't practise much and was very nervous doing exams yet managed to get a fairly good mark each time.... Maybe exams have got harder but if not maybe it is time to stop the exams at least. I didn't learn much apart from my exam pieces or things I taught myself and really wish I had learnt more for pleasure rather than exams...

coldtits, what gave you that impression? I actually said he did enjoy playing and I believe he does. He just doesn't enjoy playing in public, though exams have never phased him before.

violincjj, thanks for the offer. I would prefer to hear your opinion on ds2 who learns the violin though! He passed his grade 3 at Christmas despite playing out of tune and on an instrument that I was told 2 mins before the exam was "not really up to it" He has since changed to another violin and does sound better, but I feel more out of my depth with the violin than I do with the flute. The exam board was Trinity btw. He did well in aural (always has done) this time got 8 out of 10 apparently, so I think he has musical talent. Perhaps he was just having an off day?

Decorhate, I have no idea tbh. I found exams too stressful when I learnt the piano, and stopped taking exams after grade 3 though progressed on to grade 7 pieces eventually. I am wondering if there is a bit of a jump at grade 4? though I always thought the big jump was at grade 5?

Well, ds is acting as though nothing has happened, which is good really. I will get over my disappointment (I react too strongly to everything but usually end up seeing things for what they truly are and this is no big deal really). I just wondered if people here had had experience of failing exams and then going on to succeed again.

Oh x posts with you pixie. So how does Trinity rate as a board then? I must admit it seems easier than the ABRSM which I took.

Sorry, half way through my para to violincjj, I stopped talking about ds2 (violin) and started talking about ds1 (flute), in case anyone is confused.

I failed my grade 5 piano at about age 15, only by about 2 marks! That was the end of my piano playing. I wish that my mother had kept me at it, so I could resit and hopefully pass for the sense of self-achievement, and then stopped.

I guess she was as embarrased as my teacher (her only pupil until then that hadn't passed).

I would encourage him to resit the grade and then see how he feels after if he wants to keep playing formally for grades, or just for his enjoyment.

Ahhh if it's being bad at something musical and then getting better I'm your gal

I was rubbish at the flute for years. And I mean really, really properly rubbish. We were taught in groups of 3 and one of the girls was fast-tracked out immediately which left two of us.

I was so bad I didn't want to take any exams. I just wanted to learn to play. And then one day I got it. And thought I might have a go at exams and see how I did. I started at grade 3 and did my exam at the same time as the other girl did hers (she had done grades one and two). She got a merit and I got a distinction. I think because I really enjoyed playing and wasn't trying to prove anything, just wanted to have a go.

I've just thought, flute exams are usually accompanied. Did you DS get enough time with the accompanist before the exam?

Just as an irrelevant aside, I still remember playing in a concert (before I "got it") and the piece was a real stretch for me. I was being accompanied by someone I hadn't played with before. I fluffed the beginning and asked to start again (extreme nerves). DM was not supportive or sympathetic "You should have practiced more". I haven't forgiven her that and it's nearly 20 years later. So please do take your cue from your DS. It's only music. Not life and death.

Ds1 has just done his Grade 1 violin, and while waiting for him I was chatting with another mum whose dd was doing Grade 4. Last year her dd had failed Grade 3 by only a couple of marks, so her teacher had decided that she should go ahead and do Grade 4 this year. The mum now felt that that had been a mistake. Not because of the level that she was playing at, but because her last exam experience had been a failure, which was really knocking her confidence for this exam. She said that with hindsight she would have liked her dd to retake the exam.

I did up to Grade 4 piano - I would say there's a bit of a jump 3 to 4 - and as others have said - even more of a jump 4 to 5. I would suggest to him he takes it again.

A real pity about the orchestra though. I played in an orchestra at school (double bass) and it was fabulous

Thanks for all these opinions/experiences. It is fab having real experiences to go on.

Ds1 has always enjoyed playing the flute and seems to have a natural talent for it. He always makes a nice sound, picks up tunes quickly, and all his teachers (he has had a few) have said he plays well. I really don't understand why he didn't pass this time (I don't mean to sound precious about him, just trying to express the shock). His teacher accompanied him so I think he got enough practice of playing with her. Better than grade 3 when he only had 2 rehearsals with the accompanist.

He only failed by 3 marks so dh wants him to move on to grade 5, but I am more in favour of retaking and regaining confidence and it would seem that many of you are saying the same thing.

I agree about it being a pity about the orchestra. I used to sing in a choir. I didn't have a fantastic voice, but it was good enough, but singing with other people who were better than me meant I took part in some marvellous concerts which I remember to this day. I think the orchestra would be the same for ds1 (in fact, I think he would be better than I was) but there is no persuading him.

I had a university lecturer- very experienced man, had written all sorts of textbooks and been an inspector of schools as well as lecturing - who told us that everyone ought to fail once at something, because it is a vital learning experience. Come to think of it, the only person in the group who never had failed at anything ever didn't actually go on to make much of a success of her career. It's not whether you've failed or not, it's whether you care enough to pick yourself up and try again. And only your ds can tell you that.