How can I help my son decide what to stop doing??

[FusionChefGeoff]

He’s one of these chronically over scheduled kids thanks to his own enthusiasm! We did the whole ‘try everything’ approach when he was younger and he’s just never stopped so for some time I’ve thought he had way too much going on - but was powerless to do anything about it as DH disagrees so it was 2 against 1.

Hes just started Yr10 and finally has said he wants to do less - but has no idea what to drop.

I don’t want to tell him what to do - but I do want to help coach him so ask the right questions and try to work out the answer as a family.

He loves football, but isn’t A team level - midweek training, Saturday games
He loves rugby, is a very talented player but is currently very small for his age (likely to be tall eventually - just not really got going yet) which is making more and more of a difference as the other lads are now 6ft! DH coaches his team which makes this political…. Midweek training, Sunday matches that effectively take up most of the day
He loves and is VERY good at cricket - is in the County pathway (2nd tier but very likely to go up to 1st tier next season). They train through winter and in summer is 2 late nights a week plus all day Saturday
He loves musical theatre which he does in school but has a big commitment running October - May with show rehearsals

How on earth do I help him work out how to drop something?!?!

I said is there anything he definitely WON’T stop but he said no so that didn’t help either

Would it be possible to stop one of the activities for a while, and see if he really misses it?

Are a lot of his friends in the same sports?

By the way, it's nice to read about someone being so enthusiastic!

I'd counsel giving up rugby because of all the sports he does, it has the shortest longevity into adulthood. I know keen rugby players and they struggle to continue past 35, amd often have quite a lot of aches and pains. Cricket and (to a lesser extent) football are sports he can continue to play for longer.

I probably wouldn't give up the cricket because once you come off a development pathway it's hard to get back on.

Football vs musical theatre is difficult. I think it's nice to have a creative hobby rather than just sports so would lean towards that. But you could argue it not ideal to do something so intensive at his stage of education.

I am most worried about rugby from an injury perspective - if I said I was joining a male team everyone would think I was certifiable. But that’s the equivalence - he’s the same height and probably half my weight and is being tackled by people bigger and taller than my big tall DH.

But equally, I’d love to see what he’s capable of doing on the pitch after he’s had his growth spurt I think it would be very satisfying for him to finally be able to be on a level playing field and run rings around the big lads!!

I think football is the easiest one to do socially - very easy to have a kick about in the park or at lunchtime. Not so easy with rugby or cricket. And certainly not happening with musical theatre unless it’s a show.

Hes been playing all of them for ages so has friends in all teams but seems to be closest to the cricket and rugby boys. Cricket is very local to us whereas rugby is 20 mins drive so those friendships aren’t as easy to maintain outside of rugby.

He just loves them all so much it’s horrible to be encouraging him to give something up but the poor boy is exhausted and has said he needs / wants more time to revise etc which I feel I can’t waste that motivation

I was going to suggest:

• what is the easiest to pick up again later - football? Possibly rugby?
• what contributes most to his social life

I would say if he stops cricket he may struggle to get back onto the pathway. Once he leaves school, musical theatre might be trickier to continue, unless he is super passionate.

I'm inclined to say that either football or rugby needs to go. What does your DH think about the potential injury risk of him playing against lads twice his size?

Drop football, or take a season off rugby/just do the training.
It's a nice problem to have, you must be proud of him 😊

Sports used to keep to their seasons but they seem year-long these days. I think the days of doing both a winter sport and a summer sport are gone.
I'd drop the cricket. It will mess with the exam season. Cricket matches take far too long (hours and hours, as opposed to 80/90 minutes).
Keep the rugby and demote football to kick-abouts only.

It's between football and rugby, he could then pick whichever of them he stops back up after the theatre show is over with. If he wants to. I'd be inclined to stop rugby, due to the injury risk, but I'm possibly projecting from accidents I saw growing up. Tag rugby is popular at universities now, so there will be a lower risk social option if growing takes a while.

Does DH enjoy the coaching?

Temp break from football or rugby

Rather than me / us making a decision then trying to influence him, I’m really trying to get to a set of questions or ideas we can use to talk to him about it

So I really like
: what can you easily pick up later
: what has the best social side
: are you worried about injuries
: what can you still do casually, if you stop formal teams
: are there any where you can just train and stop matches
: can any of it be temporary and see how you get on

Cricket for his club age group does actually stop when he’s in Yr11 for exams - but he also plays for the men’s team and the District so I’d need to find out if the County pathway stops too

what has the best social side
Football and cricket are for prima donna. Rugby is a proper team game, it's all for one and one for all.
what can you easily pick up later
The answer to this is football because you you can play it anywhere, even on hard surfaces or indoors (5-a-side). Rugby and cricket rely on pitches. They also rely on geography: Rugby (Union or League) is especially regional.
does actually stop when he’s in Yr11 for exams
I knew that I should have amended my comment. Stop for exams or stop for the revision season? He should be in exam mode from Easter onwards.
are there anywhere you can just train and stop matches
a lot of lads this age get into gym work

Sport is good for health, camaraderie, teamwork and leadership but don't let him think that he will make a living out of it. The world of sport is full of I-could-have-beens. He is highly unlikely to play it professionally, though he could be an ancillary (coaching, medical, management, etc) I remember that DS had a coach in his County set-up: he was on a pathway to glory (youth national) but broke a thumb at the wrong time and ... while he was out with his injury, the ship sailed on without him. Sport is brutal.

It's interesting that all your comments have been about his extra-curricular activities; you haven't mentioned his studies at all. What are his plans? It's a way off yet, but has he thought about careers. It seems that, these days, getting your toe in the door is about more than just exam results; they want to know what work experience you have, too.

I’m really trying to get to a set of questions or ideas we can use to talk to him about it
Thinking about studies again, hasn't he just been through this? He needed to cull some of his possible subjects to narrow it down to his GCSE options. He will need to do the same again for sixth form and A Levels/ Btec/whatever. He needs to learn the skill of choosing wisely. If you are only good at one thing then choice is easy; if you are multi-skilled then you need to learn art of discernment. You need to learn the art of letting go, not spreading yourself too thinly

You also need to learn to prioritise yourself. If you are a good student then you will find all the teachers trying to persuade you to do their subject. Why wouldn't they?: more children choosing their subject, better grades, more kudos, etc. That's great for the teacher but not necessarily so great for your DS. He needs to do what is in his best interest. So, all this busyness: is it for his benefit or for others' vested interests?

How are his academics? I kept up volunteering, dancing and music, plus a couple of other activities up throughout my gcses and alevels achieving top grades, although it probably only cost an hour-ish per day in total. Being able to juggle multiple balls even during stressful periods is an important life skill, provides distraction and is good for reiliance if you think he can handle it. It's good to show that he'll be able to handle university, if that's where he's headed, and in the long term should be able to handle a career + small children, so will make him a better partner. He might only need to drop one thing to free up a bit of time.

He is very strong academically. He chose DT and Computer science - and then had a big wobble and tried to swap DT for Drama but it was too late and they were timetabled together.

He is mature in his attitude but equally realises he has coasted up to this point - does a lot of homework in the car etc as he only needs 1/2 a brain on it. But I think he’s aware that GCSEs will ramp up the work outside school and he has very little free time.

Im hoping to have a chat with him at the weekend to explore it a bit further.

The tricky bit is that we inevitably end up in a Dad vs Mum as Dad is all sport and do as much as you can whereas I’m a big fan of the drama and keen for him to dial back at least one of the sports….

DH also takes things VERY personally and gets defensive quite easily so I need to avoid provoking that as much as I can as once we’re there not much sensible progress will be made. Plus of course he coaches rugby and cricket so I fear that DS has internalised a ‘letting Dad down’ narrative if he drops either of those which means it’s not a fair fight

your list of questions is good - but plot all the practical ones against "what do you enjoy most"?

Is DH one of the I-could-have-beens, by any chance? He needs reminding, gently, that it's DS's life, not DH's.

Re-frame the question and make it less fraught. You are looking at a negative "what to stop". Instead, ask a positive "what's worth keeping". It means that DH has to justify, rather than you appear to be attacking.

Don’t give up sports just because of exams the training can really help with stress release. It can make able kids just hyper focus the revision more. My teen competes at county & national level kept going full schedule as did her squad only missed 1 or 2 sessions the night before an early exam. Kept it up and a p/t sports related job all through A levels too. Some kids thrive off a busy schedule some don’t, you know your DS best. She did have to drop a sport to focus on national competitions but now is picking it up again prior to uni as would like more balance. Pausing now isn’t the same as stopping & never playing again.

He did play rugby for a long time but not at any decent level.

That reframing is a GREAT trick thank you - what are we keeping!!

Apologies to your DH if I have been too harsh on him. A lot of grassroots sport relies on people like him giving up their free time.
Well done him for paying it forward.👏

I would go for one sport and musical theatre.