Dealing with accusations of being a pushy parent

[Everyoneafter3]

Dd1, 9 yo, plays the violin. Today she had a performance so dh took MIL to see her. MIL was beside herself that dd was nervous (she wasn't!), and fretting that she was being pushed and that we are pushy parents.

Dh put her right but I'm annoyed. Can't she just stick to being a proud gm?

Fwiw we aren't pushy. She loves music. It's her thing and she's good! Why is this bad?

What's terrible about being nervous once in a while? I was nervous at a lot of competitions when I was a kid and it taught me how to cope with nerves, which all of us have to do at some point. This helped me when I was having to give presentations etc in secondary school, uni and work. As long as you're supportive and help her use her nerves positively (and obviously they're not becoming too much for her) then I doubt they'll do her any harm. Talking with her about nerves are important though, it's unlikely that she's not at all nervous.

Smile and nod.

And leave it to your DD tell her (by either word or deed) how much she enjoys it.

There is a big gap between our youngest dd and her much older siblings.
So few associates knew we had other dc and thought dd our only child.
She is very gifted, knows exactly where she is going and what she wants to achieve in her life. So much so that many grown ups look at her and think she must have had these ideas given her by us.
I've even had parents suggest this to us, when they realise we have 2 grown up dc who are completely different to her the penny actually drops that yes it is all dd and not us pushing and/or controlling her life and filling her head with such unusual thoughts.

I can't believe a gm would say this about you as parents. Maybe think twice about asking her again, some folk are just weird when it comes to talented dc. Some nerves are good, obviously not throwing up and that stressed you can't perform, but a few are good and help the adrenaline hence the performance

The important bit though OP, how did it go, please tell us.

Perhaps it is about MIL not you. Does she maybe lack confidence when she's out of her comfort zone?

I'm thinking that maybe she herself would be terrified to perform in public so she perceives DDs normal backstage nerves as being worse than they are. Perhaps she feels a bit threatened because she never felt her own children needed such clubs and so she justifies you sending DD to music as "pushy" parenting, rather than just shrugging accepting the difference.

In this situation, I'd say her behaviour tells you about her, not about you.

She was fab.

Yes, some nerves are good. I'm a reasonable amateur musician myself and I do wonder if MIL thinks I'm pushing the music because it's my thing. I spotted dd seemed musical at a very early age. She was a very under confident little girl three years ago when she had her first piano lesson but she's really blossomed.

It's true that MIL possesses zero confidence in most circumstances tbh, and neither dh or his sister were encouraged to do anything as children.

It's utterly maddening!

My own mother was of the mindset that children of today do too much, and is constantly reminding me of how we used to be in bed at such a time dd is doing her homework. If I try to rationalise she will reiterate her points over and over, maybe this is to justify her methods. I try my best to ignore, in the knowledge that dd enjoys what she does.

One person's tiger mother is another persons supportive parent. Nothing wrong with violin lessons - two of mine did it from 4 years and have developed good ears as a consequence. Music helps maths too.
Ignore mother in law and be proud!

I'm with RunRabbit on this one and think that it's your MIL projecting her own anxiety onto the situation. You say that your daughter wasn't nervous, your MIL thinking how she would feel so obviously your daughter must feel that way too. My mother is anxiety central, we don't tell her what is happening until it's over (or she's sitting in the audience) so she doesn't spend weeks winding herself up about it.

Don't take her to the next performance and if she asks why she didn't get an invitation then be frank about how she made you feel this time. Instead of having the joy of the performance what you'll remember is what she said.