What to say to dd

[Verycold]

She is 9 and a half, has been playing the flute for 2.5 years. Just passed grade 3 with a very comfortable pass. Her two friends who have been playing a year less than her got a merit and a distinction in their grade 1. Dd told me this morning quickly before going into class and I could tell she was upset she "only" had a pass. Not sure how to handle it - obv she has nothing to feel bad about, but not sure whether to be sympathetic or to tell her not to be ridiculous?

Praise her for the areas on which she got full marks (e.g. pieces, sight reading, scales). Encourage her to do a little more practice in those areas that let her down.

She is very young to be doing grade 3 and if she did grade 1 now she would easily get a distinction. Particularly the theory side (aural) and scales can be more difficult aged 9, even if her pieces went really well.

Or she might suffer from nerves?

Grade 3 Pass is better than Grade 1 at anything, so she should be proud of herself.

I wouldn't tell her not to be ridiculous, because her feelings are valid. Unhelpful, maybe, but valid. I was a perfectionist as a child (well, still am really) and would always focus on the things I hadn't done perfectly, how much better I could have done, things I knew weren't right, etc., and it drove me mad when someone would disagree with it and say 'no it was lovely' or 'I thought it was wonderful' or 'dont be silly it sounds fine' or 'stop worrying about that bit' or whatever - because to my standards, it wasn't good enough. I could hear things that weren't right, and I wanted them to be, and someone just denying that made me lose trust in them. What I needed was validation of my feelings of disappointment, acknowledgement of the truth that there were things that could be worked on (possibly even suggestions for how, though I wouldn't have wanted those from my mum), etc. Only when that was in place would I have been able to believe someone telling me that they were proud of me, or that it was good that I'd done my best, or that Gr3 was harder than Gr1, etc. But mostly I'd have been sad and disappointed with myself for not being as good as I wanted to be, and I would have wished hugely for someone to accept and listen and understand my feelings over that instead of trying to convince me I should feel something else.

Clouds.

What a brilliant post. I too have a dd like this and you have given food for thought in how to respond to her in the future

OP if it were me I would tell her how well she had done with pieces/ scales whatever she had done well in. I think as she likes honesty I would tell her what she needed to work on, but to be honest I think they know this themselves, especially if they read their transcription.
Well done to your dd grade 3 flute is very good for a 9 year old.

You can tell her that we all think that's brilliant! My DD is 7 and plays the flute, and would be delighted with Grade 3 two years from now (which probably isn't going to happen!)

You could also tell her that Grade 3 is similar in difficulty to a GCSE Grade D!

Get her some really fun books to enjoy, too!

Thank you for the kind words and interesting thoughts!