Music exam: Should I 'let him fail' as a 'wake-up call' (DS - age 12)??

[Cornflakemum]

DS plays an instrument. Is musically talented according to teacher. Has had distinctions in past, with minimal effort (although I have usually been in te background, chivvying him along..)

Since Sept he has been at secondary school, and he's more or less been giving me the 'back off a bit Mum' messages. His teacher gives him practice homework every week (e.g. part of a piece, or x & y scales etc) and I hear him practicing while I'm cooking etc, and ask him if he has completed it. He says, 'yes'.

He has an exam next week, and I have just run through everything with him.
HE DOES NOT KNOW HIS SCALES AT ALL . He has about 12 to learn, with arpeggios etc.

His teacher has been writing in his book for the last month SCALES/ SCALES/SCALES!

We have just had a big row where he has tried to turn it all back on me (for not 'helping him enough'/ his teacher (for 'not telling him off') and anyone/anything else he can think of.

I've today tried to sit down with him to develop a 'recovery plan' for this week to get to a 'good enough' position for his exam.
All I've had is shouting/tears and abuse, followed by a stream a rude texts when he stormed off to his room .

What should I do? Leave him to it? Let him fail?

(To be honest, his teacher says she thinks he will 'pass' OK but probably not get a merit etc)

Leave him to it! Which grade is he doing? 12 is plenty old enough to understand he needs to do the scales perfectly to do the exam, without you having to kee reminding him...

does he actually WANT to play the instrument?

I'd leave him to it. Does he actually want to play the instrument or take exams in it? It is possible to have lessons for fun with no exams.

I've never really understood why playing an instrument is considered so important in childhood as most adults don't continue to play.

My dd played flute and piano, I always said to her the time to give up was when it stopped being fun and when her heart wasn't in it. She got to grade 5 when she was fifteen and then gave it up, I was naturally a little sad but I told her she could always pick it up again when she was older if she wanted.

I think you just have to let him go down his own road with this, he could always pick it up again when he's older...................

Yes - he wants to play. He plays in a concert band which he enjoys.
It is Grade 4, which is not that 'significant' in the grand scheme of things, but he does need to pass in order to progress into the more senior concert band.

Breathe - re your comment: "I've never really understood why playing an instrument is considered so important in childhood as most adults don't continue to play."

We're keen for him to keep playing as it is now virtually his ONLY extra-curricular activity. Since starting senior school he has dropped virtually all sport and other things like chess/ debating etc.

I'm just really frustrated by his attitude - he doesn't seem to have grasped that sometimes you have to WORK HARD at stuff to get results. Academic work has always come easy to him - he just doesn't 'get' hard draft!

Sorry - mean to add - playing this instrument opens up a whole social circle for him (friends, activities etc) which eh won' get otherwise

If he's talented, he'll probably get through it either way. What about offering a reward for merit and a bigger reward for distinction, but no reward for just passing?

Ah but he soon will if he fails his exam (or just gets a pass). Hard as it is he's got to figure these things out for himself.

Unfortunately, it's not unusual for children to give up interests when they start secondary, especially boys, but I'm afraid I have no advice on that one.

Sorry, was replying to your point about 'hard graft'.

I'd leave him to it TBH - if he fails then hopefully he'll feel bad enough about it to try harder next time (esp since he seems to know that he hasn't done enough, judging by the fact he's blaming everyone else).

That's how I got motivated to do some actual work for lots of school exams... it's a valuable lesson and maybe it's good that he will learn it early in a non-critical setting IYSWIM.

My parents used to shrug and say 'It's your life, not ours' when I did badly
due to my own laziness. Seemed harsh at the time but rather reasonable now!

So he needs grade 4 to move into this senior concert band. Presumably he is ready to move up now? I would postpone the exam till the next opportunity. He must have his pieces sorted out by now anyway so use the time to play other pieces for fun whilst doing his scales bit by bit till he has them under control. Surely the stress of getting used to secondary school has taken its toll. Sounds as if he likes to play and does practise so I think everything is alright personally. Shouting, tears and abuse are not very pleasant for you but indicate to me that he is under some stress generally. My guess is the stress will be at school.

Is everything else sound? Aural and sight reading? If so, at this stage, I'd let him take the exam anyway and just fail the scale section.

I always "just scraped" my music exams, because I didn't practise enough and didn't put in enough attention to detail.

IME if they ask you to do a scale and you really can't manage it at all, then they will ask you an easier one; they'll find an excuse to give you SOME marks for the scales section (especially if the rest of your performance is good).

With ds2 I give him an incentive scheme. He gets 20p for every mark he gets more than I got in the same grade! LOL! He's very motivated and I'm sure would work hard anyway, but I like to reward him for the graft he does put in.

'followed by a stream a rude texts when he stormed off to his room'

I don't know about the rest but if my child sent me rude texts he would no longer have a phone to text from.

If he's been getting distinctions he's probably good enough to get by without scales. Ds took this attitude in the past (still managed distinctions with a fail on the scales section on occasion). It is throwing away 'easy' marks, but I think I'd leave him to it on this occasion and see if he learns by experience. Remember if it's ABRSM, they award a third of the marks for attempting a scale, so if he's asked one he doesn't know he should play something and he will then still get a third of the marks. One tip though - they are allowed to choose what order to do the various bits of the exam. Usually people do scales first as a warm up, so this is almost the default. If his scales are the worst bit though I'd definitely advise leaving them until last so doing them badly doesn't get to his nerves and make him mess up the rest of it - he may need to specifically request doing the scales last.

I don't know many people who continue to do algebra and trigonometry as adults, yet we don't suggest scaling back the maths component of the curriculum. It has been shown time and time again that learning music is beneficial to the whole child, so the why bother if he's not going to play as an adult is a specious one imo.

With regard to your problem with your son and not practising OP, I am slightly worried when you say that he given up all his extra-curricular stuff since starting secondary school. Is he being ragged about it? Is he becoming disaffected? Both things that can happen and are difficult to challenge/ overturn without changing schools ime.

Also, is he playing in any ensemble? I found them very motivating for my children, even my son who really had not a shred of musicality in his body. (below grade 2 after 7 years of lessons!!!). DD2 plays in about 5 different ensembles and really enjoys it. it makes the whole process of learning the instrument a lot more real and worthwhile in their eyes. There has to be a wiifm element. I would probably with the gift of hindsight, encourage him to do well at this upcoming grade (bribery??), so that he can pass it and join the band and then reconsider in a year after he's been playing with others of a similar level.

And also, try to have that conversation with him about whether he's being given a hard time over the extra-curricular stuff. That shouldn't happen and if it is he may need extra support to deal with it.

My niece managed to pass her Grade 5 exam by four marks. She didn't know the scales at all, has always been terrible at sight reading and not too good at aural. She had the pieces almost perfect, though. So it can be passed, especially if the scales are the only thing not up to scratch. And, if he passes, it would be the opposite of a wake-up call - if he can pass with little practice, he may continue to do little practice and expect to pass his next exam just as easily.

Thanks for all these responses - I posted in the heat of the moment as I was feeling a little worked up .

Things are a bit calmer now - phew! After the initial row I had to go out, and when I came back DH said that DS had been practising for about an hour!
He asked me to come and 'test' him, and he was OK with most of them - not perfect by any means, but enough to get by. So I told I felt he could get it all together for next week, and he apologised for being so stroppy.

Just to answer a few questions from other posters:

• he DID lose his phone this afternoon. They weren't particularly 'rude' as such - it's just that he knows I object to any texting in anger- not least when we're in the same house.
• Duchesse - I don't think there is anything going on at school. He is actually very happy, and has had glowing reports and many friends. Most of his best friends are from within the 'music crowd' so that's why I'm keen for him to continue. There's a strong music/drama culture, so deffo no teasing etc.

The reason he's dropped a lot of other clubs and sports is either because of clashes with other activities (Scouts) or because he's not good enough to get into the school team.

• He already plays in the 'Junior Band' and sings in a boys vocal group, so it would be no big deal if he had to wait a bit longer to join the senior band.

I suppose I was just angry and disappointed when I realised that he hadn't been doing any of the practice he said he had...

It's been a learning exercise for us all!!

If everything else is ok then he won't fail. You get a minimum of 7 points on every test for just blowing one note! If they are dire then he'd get 10 points. My son got 14 points for "very shaky and fragile scales" - as written by the examiner.

Personally, I would let him go for it. DD1 (now 14) certainly learnt this way.

Never put quite enough effort into her scales, and although passed them, managed to get just 2 or 3 marks off a distinction for near or full marks on pieces, with sight reading and aural not far behind.

When she came to take grade 5, it was the same week as her music school audition. She chose to concentrate on her pieces again, and used them for the audition also. Although she was told at the audition her scales were not good enough to take the grade (she knew about halff of them). She went ahead and took the grade anyway - got a pass, not quite a acrape nut worse Mark yet.

That was nearly 2 years ago. She got the music school place, but has not taken any grades on that (her first instrument) since, although plays to at least grade 7 standard. Music school not bothered about grades, but she will need Grade 8 for Uni applications. Also needs to decide whether to take grade 5 theory or move over to Trinity which (I am told) has even more/harder scales.

She has taken grades on her 3rd instrument since, learnt the scales and got distinctions.

Hi, Think I am a bit late with this thread but I am a pianist and teacher. You should definitely encourage your son to take the exam. It is not too late to learn his scales and get prepared. You can always work hard in the last few weeks prior to a piano/music exam. It's probably a good idea to sit with him and help him practise - even though he won't be keen! Parents can be a great help in preparing their children for music exams. Hope he passed!

Should have posted my blog details which gives lots of advice for those taking music exams! www.classicalmel.wordpress.com