A difficult one...

[Songsandstitches]

This is a tricky one. My lovely MIL died 8 years ago. DH and SIL were late 20s then. FIL met someone else within a year and they married 5 years ago. None of us like her. I am normally really open to new people, made an effort to make her feel part of the family but although she made some effort to begin with, she's since stopped and shows so interest in any of FILs family - and never visits when he does etc. That was fine, we just let that play out and accepted that she is quite a selfish person. She and FIL live quite separate lives, have separate homes etc. she is 15 years younger but has him doing loads of errands and jobs for her. More recently she has started to be openly really critical of FIL. He is a lovely, gentle and kind man. She is so unkind about him, constantly puts him down and belittles him. He's 84. She's constantly telling him he has dementia- he doesn't show any signs- and she will be very open criticising him in front of DH and SIL. We don't think FIL is happy but he is private. He was so happily married before so we just don't know what to say or how to broach this. Frankly his new wife is just cruel and cold. WWYD?

Does anyone speak up when she does this? I would.

Can anyone speak to FIL privately? Ideally his most trusted child. I’d feel bound to challenge the wife but it might have FIL feeling he had to support her.

Yes. She often says it in a group so yes people do, but FIL often interjects with some humour to deflect. I wonder if he is trying to hide it too. My OH has absolutely challenged her, and has spoken to FIL about it; as has SIL but FIL then spoke to her. It's got to the point that FILs contacts are making contact with SIL and OH to say that they're worried she's not very kind to FIL and is stopping him from seeing them etc. it all sounds quite controlling. I think maybe DH and SIL need to join forces and speak to him together. Honestly I see the good in everyone but she is just not a nice lady and FIL is so it makes me so sad

how does your FIL feel about the situation? I would seriously consider getting medical and financial power of attorney. Asking him to grant it to your DH and his siblings. I think it’s strange she’s saying he has dementia when he doesn’t, it could be what she’s angling on there (ie getting control over his affairs)

You may not feel it is this serious, but something to consider
https://www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/health-wellbeing/relationships-family/protection-from-abuse/

Agree with PP. Just wanted to say that it's really good you're doing this, and don't let her put you off or call you interfering-she might try that.

My parents had POA for a family friend. Although she declined in her final couple of years when they first were asked another friend was supposed to be joint attorney. This so called friend kept trying to tell everyone that she had dementia and that she needed to go into a home etc etc. We are not sure what her aim was but my dad was worried about financeial coercian and said that if she was joint attorney he would refuse to be. Luckily the friend saw sense.

It really sounds like the new wife is trying to take control of finances and money. I would be very concerned.

It's hard because we don't want to make this about money, whilst those concerns are there because her motives don't seem pure, the reality is that it's FIL's happens that we are mostly concerned with.