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Ethical dilemmas
Original poster

Advice needed about molestation

27 replies

saralou15 · 04/12/2016 21:45

A 10 year old relative who has recently lost his dad has just told his nan that his older cousin touched him in bed. His cousin is 17 and has some learning/socialisation difficulties. There is no question that we believe this has happened, but how do we broach this with the 17 year old and his parents? Should we go directly to them or go to the police first?

OP posts:
orangeterry · 09/12/2016 07:33

Straight to the police

Helpme9 · 11/12/2016 07:19

Police

Helpme9 · 11/12/2016 07:21

If you don't go to the police you are validating the behaviour of the 17 year old. Take it from someone who was assaulted as a child I was 6. Everyone knew. To save me the embarrassment (the excuse of the adults I told) no one went to the police. The incident and what happened afterwards severely damaged my self worth and impacts me to this day

Footle · 11/12/2016 07:56

Police, at once.

SquirrelPaws · 11/12/2016 08:09

How do you think the parents would receive the news? If they would believe, make it clear to the teen that it's absolutely not acceptable, and make sure he's never in a position for it to happen again, that could do the job. If there's going to be a family rift either way, and they're unlikely to believe the 10yo and take action, police.

I'd aim for the minimum intervention necessary to make sure he doesn't do it again. Given that it's a teenage family member with LDs, it's quite possible that it's inappropriate experimentation rather than anything more sinister. I wouldn't want to involve the police with a vulnerable young person unless there was no alternative. You're in the best position to interpret the nuances here.

ItsLikeRainOnYourWeddingDay · 11/12/2016 08:12

Police without a doubt. He could be doing it to other people. You have to stop it immediately. That poor wee child.

CookieDoughKid · 11/12/2016 08:16

Police without a shred of doubt. Be prepared for the parents to severely defend their son. Be prepared that this will cause an absolute storm in your family dynamics. Happy to my dd and we cut so many family off and gone non contact as they wanted us to brush it under the carpet.

CookieDoughKid · 11/12/2016 08:16

Happened to my dd not 'happy '

Footle · 11/12/2016 08:17

The vulnerable young person does not need protecting from the police. He needs permanent protection from his cousin.

Helpme9 · 11/12/2016 08:17

SquirrelPaws what nuances?! The person who was assaulted is a child the abuser is 17. The OP needs to go to the police for them to 'interpret the nuances' what nuances are there to sexual assault?! Ffs this makes me so mad. What makes the OP best placed to take on the responsibility of this? Go to the police OP.

Footle · 11/12/2016 08:19

My last post was to SquirrelPaws. Bugger 'nuances'. Your approach has given me a horrible flashback.

CookieDoughKid · 11/12/2016 08:20

As a crown prosecutor told me - it's not up to me to judge the crime. That's for the law to decide and is a very very serious crime . Both boys need appreciate and professional support. Just dealing in house won't necessary prevent this from happening again. In our case the perpetrator had 1 year specialist therapy who delt with sex crimes specifically.

Justputyourshoesonnow · 11/12/2016 08:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Helpme9 · 11/12/2016 08:23

SquirrelPaws I've reported your post. This is a crime. At no point should anyone be advocating hiding a crime. This is a crime against a child and I believe MN should take responsibility and comment that this crime should be reported. This is not an ethical dilemma it's an illegal act.

clarr · 11/12/2016 08:44

Go straight to the police without delaying.

There is help available for both children. If you don't report immediately, but in a months time something else happens and you decide there is no way you can avoid reporting it, you are going to be asked some very difficult questions about why you knew about a child being sexually abused and chose not to report it as soon as you found out.

Footle · 11/12/2016 09:01

HelpMe9, thank you for reporting that post. It distressed me so much that I couldn't be sure what to do about it.

Helpme9 · 11/12/2016 09:13

Footle just terrible post from SquirrelPaws. I hope OP does report it so help can be given. I wish all the people that covered up the sexual assault on me as a 6 year old hadnt covered it up. It horrifies me that that man had small children. How do I know if reporting the crime on me might have stopped future abuse? Hope you're ok Footle

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 11/12/2016 09:16

As a crown prosecutor told me - it's not up to me to judge the crime. That's for the law to decide and is a very very serious crime

^ this.

OP you need to go to the police.

SnorkelParka · 11/12/2016 09:25

Police prefer that you don't tell anyone else first as well, as it can affect the evidence they collect in interviews. It should go to a joint police and social care response, and they will often be 'victim led' in terms of whether they take it forward (there should be no pressure from you either way) but also they can only proceed with prosecution if there is a realistic hance of prosecution and it is in the public interest. Hope this helps.

reallyrubes15 · 11/12/2016 10:50

Thank you for advice, it was reported to the police.

Amandahugandkisses · 11/12/2016 10:53

You have done the right thing!

Awful post by squirrelpaws

Helpme9 · 11/12/2016 10:58

Well done reallyrubes so brave and amazing of you.

Footle · 11/12/2016 11:07

Thanks , HelpMe9, the poster sounded like people who wanted to gloss over something that happened to a family member. A very bad time.

OP, I hope the little boy gets the support he needs. I hope the older cousin does too, but that's a separate matter. You've done well, and don't let anyone make you doubt yourself.

CookieDoughKid · 11/12/2016 12:46

So brave. Op - you are doing the right thing. See it also you are helping both boys even if it doesn't feel like it. You will get through this.

Squirrelpaws I'm not sure how old you are but you do sound old and out of touch. In light of the recent football sex scandal your attitude and reasons are why such crimes were unreported. This is not an ethical or IABU question. If I was your friend or teacher, I would report this on your behalf even if you didn't want me to. We have just had school safety training precisely to deal with this kind of thing if any child reports this kind of thing even to another parent or parents volunteer. The safety of children trumps everything including relationships and friendships.

Footle · 11/12/2016 13:43

Apologies OP, this thread isn't about me. But CookieDough, that's quite an assumption. I'll be 70 before long - does that equate to being out of touch and insensitive ?