Mum struggling..what can I actually do?

[Havinglottos]

My mum is 83, living alone. Dad died over a year ago,now. Spoke to her this evening, told me she’s struggling to find things to do during the week. I see her Saturday or Sunday each week. We have no other family, except her sister who lives miles away but they often phone one another. In the past I’ve suggested coffee and lunch clubs for the elderly, she’s not interested but isn’t able to tell me what she is interested in. WI came up, but it isn’t her thing…

Has anyone else gone through this? She was in tears over the phone and it’s left me feeling awful but I’m at a loss what else to say. it’s a conversation we’ve had quite a few times already..

I'd find about half a dozen things that might appeal. Then suggest she tries at least one or two.
If she refuses everything, you have every right to tell her you've found possibilities, but she really has to make the effort to expand her social outings. It's hard, but if she refuses everything, there isn't much else you can do, unfortunately.

my mums the same. she basically just wants me to go round. i work so that’s not happening.

shes better since i got her carers after she fell as she needs help now with some medical issues twice a day.

she refuses things for the elderly, church, or the WI, but she does get the free My Bus from her door to the council run sports centre that does a £3 balance and movement class (helpful in preventing further falls) and meets people there. So it’s a start.

How mobile/fit is she?
Some suggestions for things my DPs, MIL and their friends (all in their 80s) do: gardening, golf, bridge (rotating between the homes of thise in the group), music (piano, singing in choirs), local events/affairs (like local committees and organising community events), prayer groups, researching family history (online and visiting relevant places), reading and book groups, swimming, exercise groups (including seated ones)....

I would say also that my mum is kept young at heart by having a friendship group with a wide age range.

Just like the rest of life, the more you put in socially, the more you get out but it is difficult to just get started.

Would she consider moving to a sheltered housing unit or retirement development where there would be people around to chat to and activities in communal areas? My DM briefly lived in one which would have been great if she had moved there a few years earlier when she was more mobile, as there were lots of women in their 80s, still alert and active and running book groups and film nights and excursions, as well as an optional communal lunch in the rather good dining room every day.

Edited to add: I think it can be tough for women who are widowed fairly late, and who have been used to spending all their time with/caring for their husbands, and letting friendships and outside interests fall by the wayside. Women I know who were widowed earlier on, in their 70s, seem to do rather better in making a new life for themselves.

I think age uk still do the telephone befriended scheme, if not they may know which charity do.
I was in this position with my mil, I basically turned up at her flat, said come on we are going out and then made a beeline for whatever activity was being held that day for the elderly locally. Yep, at the grand age of 40ish I became an honary member of just about every elderly group going on in her vicinity. Did mean I ended up being ‘responsible’ for an awful lot of prep, tea making, being free entertainment and cleaning up. But it got her out of the house. Funnily enough after a few weeks she was actively waiting at the door expecting me to take her to these places. Zero chance of her doing anything on her own (other than say she was bored/lonely and yet didn’t want to go anywhere suggested).

it might be an option to just take her and attend with her? Even once might be enough for her to go alone the next time?

U3A? Almost all their groups are weekdays, and each branch will have dozens of different groups. My DM's doing table tennis, knit and natter, art, German, fabric crafts, a walking group, plus regular day trips, and the monthly branch meeting with a guest speaker. She has something on every day and sometimes twice a day.

My housebound mum had a weekly cleaner and gardener who would both sit down with her for a cup of tea and a chat, a home hairdresser and chiropodist and a volunteer from the library who would call round about once a month to swap her library books and would also do the tea and chat thing.

Later, and before we started using regular agency carers, we paid a self-employed carer to visit twice a week to cook her a hot meal and give her some company. She was lovely, would do things like play music from mum’s youth and they’d sing along together, or put a chair on the front step so mum could get a bit of fresh air and sunshine and be a nosy neighbour.

My brother set her up with Alexa on a tablet permanently on the table by her chair, for family video calls and music. Plus she watched a lot of TV.

She was definitely bored and lonely sometimes. She actually reacted really well when she eventually moved into a care home because she loved the company and activities.

She's an adult so with respect, it isn't your job to find things for her to do. Though you can help with suggestions, it sounds like she will reject most of them anyway.

It doesn't sound like she is house bound if you have suggested lunch clubs, so I think it has been her own responsibility for years (and still is) to develop a social life outside the home.

this can be a difficult conversation to have but she needs to understand it’s not your role to replace her husband.

I would look up any befriender/ visiting schemes in her area, they can be brilliant

and it can be a good idea to introduce a carer visit, even if no care is needed right now, they can have a cup of tea etc and chat. We did this with one of my elderly relatives and the transition when care was needed was so much easier than the ones where carers were brought in as a result of some small or large crisis!

@Havinglottos total sympathy. What I discovered when my Dad went into a nursing home was my mother expected me to become her companion. Like you I suggested lots of things but nothing was right.

It was little subtle things like ringing me all hours and then hanging up but not responding when I called back. So I would get in the car and drive over to see she was ok…..an hour each way.

As others have said she is an adult. As are you. It is not your responsibility to make her happy or be her companion. Befriender schemes are good but if she won’t engage it is tough. In my experience when I asked my mother what she wanted she wanted her old life back. But the old life she wanted back was a rose tinted view of life. Certainly not the reality. Grief is very personal so she might need to simply work through her grief in her own way. 💐

There are plenty of activities for older people available in most towns, the problem is your mumnot wanting to try them. You can't make her. Seeing you once a week and talking on the phone sometimes will be helping her a lot. I would continue like that for the moment.
It's very hard to lose a lifetime partner and her grief is still raw, so give it time.

Are there any half price lunches for pensioners in hotels locally - that would be quite an easy thing if she went a few times to then ask to join someone.
I think the local care homes did after noon teas

She wants you to keep her company and entertain her. She's not going to settle for anything else OP. Worlds get small and the people in them don't get that whole households work now and the villages of the past don't exist.

I think I'd push the sheltered accomodation. Everyone resists it but find it was the best move they made in the end

She’s got bad knees but can walk short distances and does drive.

She very much wants her old life back going out on the bus with dad, day trips, out for coffees but this won’t happen now.

I’ve already tried this. She says she’s happy where’s she’s at and likes the neighbours and neighbourhood! I can’t win can I!

Does she have any interests in, say, history, languages, crafts etc where she could sign up to local groups or classes?

I'm not sure that sheltered accommodation is necessarily the answer. My parents were already in sheltered accommodation when my father died. They got involved in things like working in the garden and occasionally went to concerts etc that were organised there, and I think my mother envisaged that if she was left on her own (which was likely as my father was 10 years older) she would be very busy.

However, all of that was based on an assumption that she would stay reasonably fit, but in fact she had a stroke a few weeks after my father died. It wasn't completely disabling but it made walking and speaking a bit difficultt, and in particular she could no longer write or deal with numbers. I suspect it also meant she really struggled to read, but she wouldn't admit to that. Initially she didn't really understand what had happened or its effects, but as time went on she became really bored and also really angry about it. She stopped taking advantage of what was on offer in the sheltered accommodation - I remember in particular she dismissed all suggestions she go to talks on historical topics by proclaiming she knew it all already. We tried literally everything that was conceivably on offer to help make her life more interesting, but she simply wouldn't engage with any of it whilst still complaining about how bored she was. In the end we had no choice but to give up and leave her to it.

I had this with my Mum and it was compounded by my parents relocating during Covid when my Dad was terminally ill. Sadly Mum couldn’t make friends during Covid as she couldn’t even go to support groups.

Like you I tried to encourage Mum to get out to local groups but she was so resistant. If I had lived nearer I would have done what @Alphabet1spaghetti2 did and taken her to groups. Sadly the social isolation led to a decline and she now has dementia.

She very much wants her old life back going out on the bus with dad, day trips, out for coffees

My DM's U3A has a bus pass club that does exactly this.

You can only do so much. Mine the same not into clubs. Meets a friend lunch every two months. Not sure did she expect me and siblings to fill her days.. we all work. 80s. I find it draining. If I go away I find I get the who why where. Its tiring.

Is your DM looking for outside activities, or things to do at home? If it’s company she wants, is she in a position to pay a carer to take her out once a week? A friend’s father has a lady who comes round twice a week to take him shopping or just to go out and have coffee. He’s 95 and if/when further help is needed, it means there is someone he knows who would be able to assist. If it’s activities at home, what is she interested in? Does she like knitting or embroidery or reading or jigsaws or reading the paper? Would she like a subscription to a magazine? How does she manage at home? Does she have a garden? Does she do gardening or have a gardener? It’s a matter if finding something she’s interested in, even if it’s just doing wordle every day and talking to you about it. It’s very sad when people’s worlds contract like this, and it sounds as though your DM has lost confidence in doing things by herself.

My daughter volunteered for a befriending service where she visited elderly people who needed the company in their homes, and took them out for coffee as well. Is this something your mum would be interested in?
I'm sorry, it's very hard when parents get older.

@Havinglottos sympathy. My elderly relative was widowed a couple of years ago, got very depressed, but would do 0 to make any new friends. She and her husband (he was even more ...reserved) almost used COVID as an excuse to avoid seeing other people.
The GP sent round a nice lady from some elderly mental health team to talk to her for a couple of months and that helped. Also she had carers so she'd talk to them.
But the Nice Lady left a THREE PAGE list of suitable clubs and activities and she just would get evasive.
"Oh I can't get down the stairs in the front garden" when we'd literally taken her out to a cafe an hour earlier.
I found it enormously frustrating that she was her own worse enemy here, but as I didn't live near at all, I couldn't drag her out (I salute @Alphabet1spaghetti2 for doing so!).

I think the main thing OP can do - or anyone in that situation - is to stop feeling any sense of blame or guilt for the situation that their parent(s) have got themselves into over decades.

Guilt is a very negative emotion and it really isn't a daughter's fault if their parent(s) refuse to do anything about being lonely/bored, while simultaneously refusing to do anything to help their situation.

is there any chance you’d be free at the times of one of the clubs to attend with her? that way she wouldn't be alone and could meet people.

same again the next week but you unexpectedly “need to stand outside to take a work call, i’ll be back in 15 mins mum”. That way shes on her own with other people.

Then the following week she can go herself or you can drop her off with a view to not being able to the next week.

and if she doesn’t want to even try i’d be “well if you’re not prepared to make the effort to get out and about you can’t expect me to either”.

i forgot i did that with my mum. it did work. ours was a pottery club. she went without me and enjoyed it. didn’t keep up any friendships though.

another thing was a local large chain charity shop. i spoke to the woman in charge and asked about my mum and she said bring her down so i dropped her off, they had tea and chatted, the next day she was down there doing charity volunteering.

it structured her week (two mornings), made her feel productive doing something for a good charity, they seem to have a good set of h&s policies and training so she felt safe, everyone was nice and supportive. a couple of weird ones but mostly chatty.

maybe volunteering could be an option for your mum too? if she’s fit enough. even one morning a week would get her out the house and give her structure.