Christmas demands, guilt and boundaries

[reservedbutterfly]

My DM is 85 and still fit and well lives independently abroad. I am 50, divorced, in a difficult relationship with DP that is coming to an end, financial distress, just got a stable job and on probation, trying to save money, I have not got a place of my own (it is complicated), new job is very stressful and affects my health. My DM has friends, has family, has a sister with whom she is in conflict for past 25 years. She knows my situation yet she is putting pressure on me that I come and see her Christmas, eventhough it would mean me flying on Christmas Eve, stress, cost (she offers to pay for a ticket) and me having to return on 26th as I am working on 27th. She says that me not coming is ruining her Christmas. It is all about her. But it is also my Christmas and how I would like to relax. When I visit her (once a year for her birthday) there is always a conflict around my life, my choices, who said what in 1987 and why did i do this or that. I also have not got a bed to sleep there, sleeping on a chaiselounge which is very uncomfortble. Furthermore there is always a conflict around food and mealtimes. The entire stay is a source of massive distress. I will not go for Christmas as I need time off in peace at home eventhough my DP is difficult and our relationship is not good, I'd still prefer being home. I wonder how others cope in similar situation with demanding parents and also how do you cope with guilt?

Tell her sorry, you aren’t going as you’re on probation so can’t risk flight delays/cancellations on the way home

I would just say no and get on with it. Genuinely no fucks given. You have work on the 27th and are going through a difficult time. She’s being selfish op. Say no, and keep saying it. You obvs don’t have to be rude about it, just firm and clear.

What's the thing of Phillipa Perry about how if it's guilt or resentment you will feel, choose guilt. Better to feel guilty but avoid having a terrible time.

Use the above excuse. Could she not come to you, sometime around but not on Christmas?

Tell her your Christmas is ruined also but you can’t take the risk with this job

How about celebrating Christmas at New Year or both choose another date ?

Do you have kids? If not I’d book myself into a local Travelodge or similar if I was you. Have a few days to yourself watch tv and eat takeaways.

I have a memory of Christmas being always a source of family conflict. My parents having arguments and me watching it as a child, then teenager. I was never allowed to see my friends over Christmas and later even as a young adult I could not see my boyfriend (later husband) over Christmas - 'because parents should be the most important family for you at this time of year'. I left my family home in my very early 20s. Going back there always triggers the same anxiety. The only Christmas I enjoyed was with my second husband and his family as it was very traditional yet warm, cosy and relaxed. I felt sense of belonging and there was no space for anxiety or arguments there. I had my DM over for Christmas but there is always something wrong plus my DP and her do not like each other. They are kind of very similar and fighting over me. It is all so tiring. My DM will not fly over as she has no smartphone so no boarding pass for her. She has no computer or email, we can not facetime, she has never embraced technology but feels victimised by others. It is tiring. I given up long time ago.

Oh that sounds so hard, but as others have said, this year you put yourself first. You aren't able to travel. Block out all the other noise. You are doing the right thing by yourself.

I think it's very hard for other people to answer, as nobody else is in the exact same position as you. Some people just wouldn't go and wouldn't give a fuck. Others have good relationships with their moms so they would prefer to see them if at all possible.

It sounds like you have made your mind up -- therefore feeling guilty is an absolute waste of time and energy. If the guilty feelings start creeping in, maybe just think about other things?

Sometimes it's worth sitting with your guilt, if it might lead you to act differently. But in your case it won't, so why put yourself through it?

Sounds to me like you can’t please her (I bet even if you did drop everything and take that trip squeezed in which sounds terrible, she still wouldn’t be satisfied and you’d have a terrible time). Therefore as you can’t please her, you may as well please yourself, get out from your shared place if you can and make the days as lovely as possible. She can’t argue with your need to work and for this probation to go well and so no matter how much she doesn’t like it, she won’t be seeing you for Christmas this year. You can’t change how other people behave only how you do.

OP did you post about the exact same situation last Christmas, right down to the sleeping on an unsuitable sofa.
If it was you there were lots of helpful suggestions about how to lessen the impact such as staying at a hotel, ordering an air mattress etc
If it was you then kindly we’re a year on and the dilemma is the same. Only you can change the dynamics- you won’t change your DM but you’re absolutely not forced into zero sleep and spending protracted time with her.