Keepsakes

[ButSpringDidNotKnow]

I think it might be better to ask for keepsakes before your parents have died and you have to clear the family home. I think it might just be less painful to employ a house-clearing company when the time comes, and step away from the emotional burden. Especially if the siblings don’t get on terribly well.

Opinions? Especially from MNers who have already traveled this journey.

What if they don’t want to part with their precious things according to your timescale? I honestly can’t imagine having this conversation.

It is fine to have an “agreement” that their DS will get all the model buses and DGD will get all the china cats etc. But you mean asking them to clear the shelves before they die?

I’m 65 and I’ve already started “cleansing” our home of tat and shit so the DCs don’t have to do it when we’re gone. I’m not getting rid of truly sentimental stuff though, and it’s a very gradual process.

It works for some people. Didn't work for me. Mum was a hoarder and got very paranoid in latter years so wasn't possible. Took over a year of painful sorting before I could even get the house clearance company in, as so much of her important paperwork was buried underneath her "treasures". I won't lie, it nearly broke me. But it couldn't have happened any other way - she wouldn't let it.

I'd rather not be told by my children when they think my expiry date is coming due. If someone wants to give away stuff fine. If they don't that is their business. If you are the older person, do what you think right - if that includes giving away keepsakes, go ahead. If you are the child please don't ask your parent to spend time on activity to make things easier for you when carving up their possessions after they are dead. We all know we are going to die but generally don't like to be reminded of it.

Very good point.

Maybe it's more about choosing things that are meaningful, and telling the DC about them? Why a particular object might be worth keeping? For example, I have things owned by my gran who died before I was born, but I also have similar things that I've bought in charity shops. So it would be nice to say, this belonged to your grt-grandma, and tell them a bit about her, as their ancestor. But I still keep it until I'm about to go into a home!

Just how much stuff are you planning to ask for in advance?! Quite a lot if you think that you will have everything you ever wish to retain from your parents home before they die and can then just hand the keys to a House Clearance company following their death. What do you mean by keepsakes – are you expecting them to take a large painting off the living room wall for you, are you expecting a set of their best China which is normally used at Christmas or are you really talking about inconsequential ornaments or very small items which may mean something to you, but which they won’t miss while they are still alive? DH Removed very little from his parents home after their deaths which happened in fairly quick succession but the things that we have received are items like Christmas tree decorations, serving spoons and salad bowls all of which are sentimental to him but which they were still using up until their death. They would’ve been horrified if he had been uncouth enough to ask for those beforehand, whereas he had no interest in all their silverware, crystal and other expensive items.

It depends. The ER, who I post on here about, regularly "scorched Earth's" her house, and throws everything away, and I know her close family are pretty upset she gave them no notice or warning to ask about any keepsakes. But then she still lives in the family home and the scorched earth times are always mental health related, so tied up in a lot of other burden for all of us.

I also don't think you can step away from the emotional burden. I was helping a friend clear her mum's house recently, and the grieving process over "silly" things - like the fridge magnet collection her mum had amassed through holidays, or the collection of decorative spoons that her mum had inherited from her mum (my friend's GM), had moaned about when she'd inherited, but had packed away neatly into a drawer.

Part of the grieving process is dealing with the things.

i'm already dreading the emotional baggage with my mums stuff. She has garage full of trinkets from great great grandad. I don't care about them but am not cold enough to get rid of them either. Mum told me i have to keep them safe. But the truth is that it's all a huge burden

You need to keep the things special to you . You can't go around keeping everything that was special to your Mum. Her memories aren't yours.

How would that work? Hey Mum and dad, let’s sit down and talk about what we get when you die?

I didn’t find clearing my parents’ house an ‘emotional burden’.

I’m enormously grateful that they were not hoarders. They had nothing at all from their own parents. And I didn’t struggle to get rid of their own belongings. They were their memories, not mine.

My 3 siblings each kept a couple of nice pieces of jewellery, I had a little dish I was fond of. I was ruthless with everything else. I found it cathartic and much less stressful than if i was carting home boxes of their stuff to stick in my loft for our kids to chuck when we’re dead.

I had to clear my father's house when he went into a nursing home. They'd lived in the house for 40 years but also taken 20+ years of previous stuff to it when they moved in. When my Mum died my father gave me a lot of her personal items (jewellery etc) and gave a few of her clothes to charity. When he went into the nursing home I asked if there was anything specific he wanted (he has dementia amongst other medical issues) and put it aside. I also made him several photo albums of the best photos (had some restored) from his life, including his parents. These seem more important to him than other 'stuff'. He asks for really random things like swimming trunks, nail clippers or the phone number of someone who died decades ago but none of the ornaments, books or pictures which meant you couldn't get into some of the rooms. His grandchildren asked for the odd item (mainly things which were special to my Mum) which he agreed to and then when I was sure he didn't want anything else I got a house clearance company in. They sold so much of the tat that there was profit after their fees had been paid! It was an exhausting process and I wouldn't want my children to have a similar situation!

My house is very minimal (probably as a result of growing up in clutter), we have what we need andon't t have many mementos at all. My children have asked for one very specific thing each and they know that they can just get rid of anything they don't want. There won't be much for them to do 😇

The only thing I'm dreading from when I inevitably have to clear my own parents' place are the photo albums. My dad in particular is an inveterate photographer, and there's carefully curated albums from every family holiday, every major family event starting with their wedding album and going on to their current holidays. I know I can get them digitised when the time comes, but don't know if I want to. I do know I don't have space at home for the collection....

We picked out the 36 nicest photos of DM for her funeral, and I got them printed out into a book.
When DF passes I will do the same for him, and then pick out any nice photos of me / my brother as a child.
Then I will let all the albums & boxes of slides go.

The trouble is, when I say carefully curated, I'm not joking. So each album is full of beautiful pictures of us as a family - honestly, they'd have been Instagram fodder if Insta was a thing in the 80's! I was also very lucky to have very adventurous parents who took small me to adventurous places (on a shoestring), so the other problem with these beautiful albums is that they are records of places which just don't exist in the way they were then any more - Syria, Iraq, Soviet Union, Czechoslovakia, East Germany, etc. That's the other facet.... As a kid, when we got home from holiday, my dad would spend the next 4-5 months curating the album, then 4-5 months planning the next trip!

PIL had an unbelievable amount of ‘family heirlooms’, some quite valuable. Solid silver serving trays and tea sets, gold pocket watches, jewellery etc. They were found thrown under beds, mixed up with junk in the attic and piled away in the garage. They never ever showed us or the GC this stuff, explained its history or who it belonged to. Never displayed it. Never showed it any care. As it was, although obviously it had real family history and had been passed down through the generations, DH and SIL had no attachment. In fact they were were somewhat resentful at the absolute mess of stuff that took every weekend for months to sort, they sent it all to auction and made quite a lot of money.