Not coping well

[SmugglersHaunt]

My 90-year-old mum has been in hospital for over two weeks with pneumonia. She’s hopefully getting better. It’s been a very difficult 5 years since my dad died, getting increasingly bad, till she went into a nursing home at the end of the summer. Then it was like I had a new lease of life.

Now she’s in hospital I feel wretched (yes I know this post is all about me) and really resentful. I’m travelling 3hrs each way to see her. I love her obviously, but she can be emotionally manipulative. She’s told me every day for 5+ years she wants to die.

I don’t know why I’m posting but I feel trapped. Does anyone have any tips for coping?

I'm sorry you are having to deal with such a difficult situation. My mother was in a care home for years and as you say at least that does reduce the pressure on you.

How often are you visiting hospital? That is a long way to go. While my mother was in the care home she fell and broke her hip. The hospital was only 30 minutes away so I visited every other day - if it had been 3 hours away I would have visited rarely.

In terms of coping, I think you have to try to disengage as much as possible. Nod understandingly when she says she wants to die, because it is understandable in her situation, but that is her burden, not yours. My MIL said the same after FIL died, it was a relief to everyone (especially her) when she died 18 months later.

Hopefully she will be back in the nursing home soon

Thank you. I don’t cope well with situations that I can’t control and don’t know how to deal with and this is both! I find it really difficult that I’m resenting her - it’s not her fault

It's really, really tough. Can she move closer to you? Have you time to plan some escapism?

And your mum probably does want to die, yet whilst she is in a care home, unless she has a living will in place., they will keep her alive even if she has no quality of life if she is of sound mind it could be something you can discuss and get put in place so next time she gets pneumonia or an infection, they will just keep her comfortable and not treat

Thanks - sadly she has dementia now, so I don't think that'll be an option. I'll speak to the care home when she's back there though

Just because she has dementia and is in a nursing home it doesn’t mean that she has to be sent to hospital or treated to the nth degree. Her (and your) best ally here is her GP plus persistence. A GP is the only one who can reliably stop the nursing home from sending her to hospital. I hope she already has a ReSpect form but maybe it needs revisiting and a clear hospital avoidance plan?

You have my sympathy.
My mothers situation is nowhere near as bad as yours but she does have dementia and manages with carers popping in daily, we couldn't manage without them .
However i resent a lot of how her diagnosis affects my life , i just hate the way i constantly have her and her needs on my mind mixed with the standard feeling of guilt that i don't do enough.
But i have no choice i have to work and regardless i just don't want to be her carer , you end up being a carer to some degree whether you like it or not though.
I realise that you have to look after yourself both physically and mentally and sometimes if you can't or don't want to visit on that day then don't.
They are looked after in care or with carers coming in daily and that sometimes has to be enough.
I know i sound selfish but i'm sure i am far from the only daughter that feels like this.

If I was 90 years old, usually living in care home, having spent 2 week in hospital with my husband dead and probably lots of friends I think I would probably also want to be dead.

Does she have a respect form?