What to do at Christmas

[Facecream24]

Just to set the scene - DM had a brain op, it’s left her unable to look after herself, confused, anxious, unable to speak well or hold a conversation. In a recent 2 hour visit she spoke about 20 words, many of them jumbled. She has carers from waking up till 8pm when she’s left and somehow gets herself to bed. Carers have indicated she’s getting more confused and now needs help with some personal care like showering. She can’t make food but is able to eat herself.

So onto Christmas. I have two pre teen kids, live about an hour away. Sibling has indicated they’re not coming this Xmas. They did last year and alternate as they’re a long way away and have to stay a couple of nights.

So I need to decide what level to visit to. My kids hate going there as it’s dull and DM can’t engage with them, the house is awkward and sterile. I’ll have to go and decorate for her for her to have anything up like I have the last couple of years. She doesn’t really understand the concept now and got confused last year when I was buying gifts on her behalf.

I don’t feel particularly close to her and she’s always been very difficult to please and told me to get out last year when we didn’t stay over for a pre Christmas visit as she wanted us to but at the same time I feel a massive duty to visit. But I know the kids will be really unhappy to and I can’t say I’ll enjoy it.

So what do I do, do we do the 2 hour round trip on Xmas day. Not ideal. Stay over Xmas night - I’d have to make up beds etc and I’m really not comfortable helping her with person care but I could arrange for the carers still to come. DH is leaving it to me to decide and the kids will do as they’re told but will probably make their unhappiness known. I just feel stuck and would rather Christmas just didn’t exist in all honesty!

Could you do a family visit on 24th and then have Christmas at home? Without her?

My husband is working on Christmas Eve morning. I think I’d feel massively guilty about her being alone on Christmas day though and that my wider family would think less of me for it too. Although I imagine none of them are even thinking about seeing her and will be spending it with their core family. It’s just expected isn’t it but I’m dreading even the thought.

Can’t she come to yours?

I don't understand where your guilt is coming from as your DM is confused in normal times and as you say was confused as to what you were doing "on her behalf" last year. For her, Christmas is just going to be another day. It's only you who is making it something special or critical. I mean, do you really have to "decorate her house"? If she's confused, surely that's only going to add to more confusion. I think it's only you who feels that this level of engagement at this point is what's "expected". Expected by who? Surely not your DM, who you say told you to leave last year. Do you feel guilty leaving her alone for the rest of the year? I'd just do whatever visiting your normally would do for as long as you normally would. Forget this "celebrating Christmas", just go to be with your DM. If your DC don't want to go with you, or will make their displeasure felt, don't make them (but I would alert them that they may not have many more Christmases to share with their grandmother). Good luck in navigating this new turn to your relationship.

She can’t come to us, we would have a two hour round trip to collect her and the same to return her. We’ve no room for her to stay and she wouldn’t be able to stay anyway due to her confusion.

@SylvanMoon i know you’re right and it is about my thought process on this. I guess I just feel the weight of expectation. I feel like I can’t explain it to well. Whilst she is confused and fretful there are moments that she does understand and she did enjoy opening her presents last year. I don’t really want to leave my kids on Christmas and they wouldn’t want me to either so I won’t be going without them.

And yes I often feel guilt. My sibling did a good job on that front. We are estranged now due to their expectations of me and what I should do for DM.

She’s unlikely to care about Christmas if she’s confused, etc. it’s just a day. She has carers, she’s being looked after, don’t stress yourself out. You certainly don’t need to decorate her house ffs, just why? She’s not going to understand or care. My mum started finding Christmas decorations really scary and stressful as she didn’t want ‘new things’ in her house. Stop doing stuff that actually isn’t necessary for her any more in her stage of life.
ps stop giving a shit what other family members think. It’s very freeing. If things are ‘expected’, let them do them..

I know this might sound a bit sneaky, but could you pretend Christmas Eve is Christmas day for her?

Ask your kids to come with you on Christmas Eve morning. Take a little light up tree, a pile of presents she can open and a box of Christmassy food to leave with her. Explode into the place with a full on party...stay a couple of hours and then go.

Have a blow out meal on the way home that your kids will enjoy.

By lunchtime on Christmas Eve you'll have given your mum a fantastic time, your kids will have done a nice thing for their grandma and you'll all be on your way home to your own Christmas. When you get there DH will be home from work. Kick off your shoes, pour a drink and relax knowing you've done your bit.

These things are key -

• your mum's always been difficult to please so whatever you do won't be enough. You choose what you're prepared to give. That's enough.
• this happy visit IS ENOUGH.
• bugger what your sibling thinks. Really - bugger it. They'll not be there and if they choose to judge you then that's their problem.
• in years to come you'll look back and wish you'd cared less what your sibling thinks. Cut out the middle man and start caring less now.

Happy Christmas OP.

I couldn’t agree more with this.

Be prepared for an even bigger sibling guilt trip because it sounds like your mum living on her own isn't sustainable now.

Go Christmas Eve or Boxing Day with a reminder to your children that there are far worse visits than dull ones.

@DorsetKnobBiscuit thank you for your kind words. To be honest I think I thought I’d be told
to suck it up and be there Christmas Day because I’d be a horrible person to leave her on her own.

@DisforDarkChocolate I’m not sure how sustainable it is but that’s a separate issue I guess. We have a social care review coming up. We don’t have a health POA. Despite DM’s difficulties she has this overriding stubbornness and sense of independence even though she doesn’t have much. She can walk to visit neighbours still and gets taken to church. I know for a fact she wouldn’t want to leave her home so I feel we’re kind of in limbo until something happens that means she actually can’t be left alone overnight anymore.

Other ideas for making a party at your mum's on Christmas Eve. Music (let your kids choose if that's not too dangerous), Crackers, a game of something rowdy, a glass of your mum's favourite booze if she can drink. Make one of the presents a Christmassy DVD (if she has a player) so she can snooze in front of a film to recover from the party after you're gone.

If I were you OP I'd try to make the visit fun for you and the kids. If she doesn't get the biggest joy from seeing you all enjoying yourself (any mum would wouldn't they?) then at least you'll have enjoyed yourselves.

If it were me I would bring the DCs up the weekend before and try and have some sort of meal and time there. On CD itself I would go up on my own getting up early so I could spend a 1-2 hrs with her then head back by 12 to have a guilt free family Christmas.

I get what you’re saying and I know an hours distance is hard as that’s how far away my DPs were, but it sounds like it’s probably her last CD at home and even if not as you have a sibling you can alternate, so I do think a duty visit on the day itself is required more because of what other people might say and think, rather than for your DM herself.

FWIW I didn’t go to DPs last year, we came up on the 23rd, took DF out for one of the many many hospital appointments then DH and DS took him out for lunch whilst I stayed home with housebound DM. I had CD with DHs extended family and jolly good it was too, I deserved it after how much I had done for DPs. But there was two of them and we travel in the opposite direction for DHs family so I couldn’t do both on the day.

Thanks. She does get joy from watching the kids be silly she just doesn’t interact with them other than a hello and goodbye. She’s not really a fun sort of person, there’s no music and films these days. I guess we’re the entertainment to a degree until she’s had enough. It’s really hard to explain how she is to people, for example, last visit she randomly walks off an reappears with nightie but with no idea why or what she’s doing with it!

Will the carers still come on Christmas Day? I assume so but just thought I would check!

My mother had at-home carers (yes they did come on Christmas Day) and was then in a care home for several years (she had dementia). I used to visit her a few days before Christmas, I never went on Christmas Day. It would have been a miserable visit, and she lived with dementia for ten years so it would have been ten miserable Christmas Days.

In your position I would go the weekend before, or whatever day suits you. Go for several hours, have lunch, whatever works best. And don't worry about what anyonelse thinks.

I live between 4 and 6 hours from my father's house (6 in the summer). I would get up early and drive to him on Christmas day. Cook lunch, watch the Queen (then King), have presents with tea and cake. I'd make a sandwich with leftovers and leave that wrapped ready for him to eat later. Then I'd drive the 4 hours home. On 26th or 27th (depending on work) we'd have our Christmas at home. The roads are wonderfully quiet on 25th December so a perfect day to do the journey! He's in a Nursing home now and thoroughly enjoyed all the activities, carols, presents and eating that they did last year (his first one there). He has dementia and he's miserable and mean to the family but appears to love the staff and fuss in the home!

I would prioritise my children, no question, and not give a stuff what other family members thought. They’re not worrying about what you think of them! Visit the week before.
The wants of those at the end of life, don’t trump those of others in the prime of theirs.