I fear my dad is now showing signs of cognitive impairment and I don't think I could cope

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My parents are elderly (83 and 85) and over the last 8 years my sister and I have been helping to care for our lovely mum who is now in the later stages of her Alzheimer's journey. For anyone caring for someone with dementia you will know it is hell.

We have had several falls over these years, a horrible neck fracture, several horrendous hospital stays, a breast cancer diagnosis and the heartbreak of watching our dear mum losing herself year after year. Our dad does his best but he is a difficult character and has always been hard work and even though I love him dearly I don't always like him because he can be a very difficult man and upsets people easily. Sad to admit but true.

Thankfully, dad has never suffered from any health issues at all. However, over the last few months he has been experiencing some issues which have resulted in several hospital visits for scans etc and over the last few weeks he has been placed on the 2 week cancer pathway. Next week he is to go into hospital for a cystoscope and some exploratory tests on his bladder and prostate.

He is not good with health issues and has gone to pieces. Understandably, he is grumpy and nasty at times which I am putting down to fear so being easy on him but I am concerned that he seems very muddled, he is continuously saying things yet a day or two later will deny what he has said, he is contradicting himself all the time. He repeats himself all the time and does not appear himself at all. He needs my constant help and reassurance, ringing me over the smallest of things. Even mum's carers are saying they have noticed a difference in him.

The last thing I am going to do is point this out to him as I would not want to worry him even further, we are simply concentrating on his op next week and moving on from there and I just hope the stress is causing all the above.

Secretly though I am terrified that he may be showing the early signs of dementia. Watching my mum slowing being taken away by this evil disease has destroyed my health (mentally and physically) but mum is easy going and never makes a fuss, the carers love her. Dad on the other hand is hard work even when he is cognitively sound of mind so I can't imagine how he'd be if he had any form of dementia, he would be so difficult to deal with. I don't want to spend another decade going through a second bout of this evil disease.

I know I may be jumping to conclusions and worrying needlessly but bloody hell, just the thought of it makes me want to weep.

How do people do this multiple times, so many on the support groups I follow have both parents living with this. I know I couldn't cope.

I'm so sorry. I lost DM to dementia and my DH has it. It's absolutely hell.
At this point, I would watch and wait. It may be the stress of a potential illness that is causing his behaviour to change. Once you know the outcome of the investigations, you'll see if cognitive function changes - either improves or declines further. As you don't want to draw his attention to it, I don't know what you can do right now. GP appointments and memory clinics would make him aware and he may not cooperate. Keep a careful eye on his behaviours around your DM to make sure she remains safe. I'm not saying he'd deliberately harm her, but these living situations can become unsafe for one or both parties where there is cognitive decline and anger.
I'm sorry I have nothing more to suggest. It's so very hard.
I'm not sure how we keep doing it - it's been more than a decade for me and I have, I suspect, a few more years to go. My mental, physical and financial welfare have all been devastated by dementia.

Oh goodness, I am so sorry, my heart really does go out to you. Do you have much support?

We are definitely going to keep it to ourselves atm, I would hate to worry dad any more than necessary. All we can do is keep our fingers crossed. 'Hope for the best and prepare for the worst' I suppose.

I wish you all the best, only those touched by dementia know just how cruel it is.

My sympathies. It's a horrible situation.

If it's a sudden cognitive change it could be the stress of his current medical uncertainty. Or a UTI. So for now I'd try to get a check on the latter, then wait and see once the former is more settled.

Thank you, we are hoping it's more stress related as it has been mainly since he was put on to this cancer pathway. His urine tests are all clear so we are just praying once his exploratory op is over next week things are ok and we can get back to 'normal' - if you can call our lives normal!

Huge sympathies. I am also in the twofer club with DM in a home coming up a year and now “end of life” but not “actively dying”. We hit massive crisis before mum went into the home last year due to dad having Alzheimer’s which no-one had picked up on properly.

I went into an absolute tailspin and rage when dad was diagnosed with all the same emotions - you are worn so thin by the first parent and then realising the could all happen again is too much.

Honestly accept the emotions for a bit. It is monstrously unfair and it is so much. But what helped me was also talking to the dementia nurses at Alzheimer’s and seeing a therapist. They’ve reminded me that although the overall path of Alzheimer’s is the same “seven stages etc” things like the rate of progression, how it impacts the person etc vary and can’t be predicted as easily. Also (and I fully get this may sound cold) your dad is at an earlier stage, he is older (I assume) than your mum was at diagnosis, he may not get to the stages you have been through with your mum. My dad has a chronic health condition and I’m very aware that may see him off before he gets to the stage my mum is at…

Once I’d let the rage and panic phase settle (and I still get moments of both) and got some mental health support for myself and advice from Alzheimer’s Soc etc I’ve been able to get myself to a place where I can handle it and also focus on the fact that my dad is earlier stages and if I don’t focus on the repeated conversations/ forgetfulness aspect he is still largely “my dad” and I can still enjoy his company.

Huge hugs though - both parents is awful and so unlucky and it sucks.

I am so sorry you are going through this hell too. I’m glad you got some support.

I had some counselling last year and I have just started some CBT with a therapist specialising in care burnout, I really need it atm as I’m suffering from so many mental and physical issues, it’s really tough going at times, isn’t it?

Dad is 85 at the end of the year, he’s currently on a cancer pathway and having an exploratory op next week. I’m obviously hoping it’s nothing awful but if he does have the start of dementia I’d much prefer something took him quickly than a long drawn and and painful dementia journey, it does sound callous as you say but those of us having been through this before would never wish for our loved ones to go through the hell that is a dementia journey would we?

I am still hoping the stress from this recent cancer scare has made dad much more muddled and pray and hope things return to normal soon. Maybe wishful thinking but I’ve got to hold onto something.

Wishing you all the best and hugs back to you.

I think youve written on here before. I really do feel for you. Im not in the same situation but my dad is like yours and makes everything so much more difficult. In addition to this he still has his own mother alive who is 100!! He does absolutely nothing for her whatsoever and begrudges even a penny being spent. He is so mean with money he would rather let himself , mum and me suffer.
I have just been through a 5 year care giver burn out with my husband and it has destroyed me physically. Im not the same person. I know for sure I cannot go through that again so need to be very firm with my caring boundaries going forward. My dad has actually just been diagnosed with prostrate cancer but its not of concern and no treatment. Theyve said he will die with it not from it. Having elderly parents is so difficult

@InkyTreasuresbookstore NOBODY here will judge you for those thoughts.
My own DM had been driven to a nervous breakdown by care burnout and absolutely dreaded losing her cognitive ability. I think this may have fed into her explicit decision not to modify her lifestyle much when she got diabetes. When the complications from that polished her off - in her late 70s - the marbles were pretty much the only thing still working.
She definitely lost a few years but I also think it wasn't the worst decision she could have made.