On holiday with 82 year old mum

[roastednuts123]

I just need to write this down somewhere and any words of support most welcome! In April we lost my step dad (her husband of 45 years) and I wanted to give her something to look forward to so we booked this trip. It’s only a week but it’s the first time I’ve been away with my
mum in a long time. I don’t naturally enjoy her company, at all, she’s very negative and has some cognitive decline so repeats herself all the time. Seems to have limited short term memory. Trouble is she refuses to believe she’s in her 80s. She’s had filler done recently (thank goodness it’s relatively natural looking) and I feel embarrassed that she’s doing this sort of thing at her age.
Realise she’s only recently lost her husband but their relationship was toxic beyond belief - honestly felt uncomfortable in their presence for more than a few minutes because they were so nasty and unpleasant to each other. So I struggle with the grieving and love of my life conversations but obviously I nod along and say all the right things.
Anyway weve only been away 24 hours and all she has talked about is her neighbours and her limited activities at home. I’ve tried to say things but she can’t hear properly (and refuses to wear hearing aids). I’m at my wits end already and typing this quickly because obviously being on my phone is frowned upon. I’ve realised the memory issues may have wider implications and without saying too much we are talking some hygiene issues which I’ve just had to clean up in the bathroom…. I’m sure she’ll fall over this week as she’s stumbled a few times already. It’s like being on holiday with a toddler. Sorry please just pity me a bit 😩

I realise reading it back it sounds horribly judgy and mean - she wasn’t a great mum and it’s not the cognitive decline that makes her bad company (well obviously it doesn’t help) she’s just never been a nice person to be around at all. She has no friends as she’s never made the effort. Just seems to dislike most people. I do love her though, in that weird way you love your Mum?!

Sounds hard. Is she finding any enjoyment being away though, or finding things hard, due to grief?

Sorry but going away with an 82 yo parent has disaster written all over it.

I pity you a lot OP!
The last time I went on holiday with my mother I was about 14. I would never have reprised it as an adult! You don't sound mean, you are just telling us how you feel.

It does sound like your mother's cognitive problems are quite advanced if she's at the 'oops' stage with bathroom hygiene.

I found that when I saw my mother for an hour or two she could cover up her cognitive issues quite well. But once you spent a day or two in her company the extent of her problems became very obvious.

If you don't already have LPA, please ask her to do it while she still has capacity, or it will be harder to get help for her.

You're brave for undertaking this holiday but just tell yourself you never have to do it again!

She’s enjoying the sunshine and a change of scenery.
thanks and yes I can see that now. She’s talking of going away on her own next time which I can’t imagine but she’ll probably book something. I’m going to have to let her do her thing aren’t I and pick up the pieces afterwards

Thanks so much! And same I was 14 and now im mid 50s!
We already have an LPA thank goodness.
Also she likes a glass of wine or two, and she really can’t handle her drink (never has) so that’s difficult too. It’s the lack of accepting her age and limits which is scaring me.

Funnily enough she says she over with grieving now. I don’t think she misses him, just someone being there. She’s already talking about men she’s met at various activity groups. Honestly it’s embarrassing. It’s been less than 6 months since he died. Not that I care or mind about her not grieving or moving on, just wish she’d meet a nice female friend or two and have a lovely time with women her own age. She describes people of her own age as ‘old’ though!

Yeah I can see that now. I just wanted to do something nice for her but it’s done now and we’re here. Just need to get through the week without her coming to any harm and me enjoying what I can of a week off work!

Well done for doing this OP, she’ll remember and talk about this trip fondly, even if that doesn’t reflect the reality.

Could either of you face a cruise? They’re famously solo friendly (though expensive) so she could go on her own, or you could chaperone but at least you’d have time to do things apart and know she was safe.

It was a lovely gesture doing this, but you won't be doing it again I reckon!

You know now that she is deteriorating a bit and that is hard to handle. All you can do now is keep an eye out for her, let her do her own thing, and as you say - be prepared to pick up the pieces.

Have you any sibling etc. support with her?

I speak from experience. My mother didn't drink but OMG she was a terror whenever she left her own environment. So cranky and demanding, which she wasn't on her own turf. I stopped that after the first trial run! And TBH I think she was relieved also. Best intentions don't always = best result!

It depends on the person surely? Me, my sister amd my mum go away a few times a year for between 2 and 5 days each time and have done since we lost my dad. Mum looks forward to the trips and so do we. She's 84 now and I hope she has a few more trips in her 😆

You haven't lived until your mother fills you in with all of her neighbours comings and goings, including the bin schedule. You've done a nice thing going away with her OP, enjoy the sunshine and nod a lot!

I agree. It totally depends on the person. I know quite a few 80 year olds who you'd never think were that age. And I certainly went away with my own mum for short breaks until she was 86 when sadly she became ill. We both enjoyed the breaks.

We taken dad away for a week a year but decided this year that it would be really difficult and make our holiday very challenging and unrelaxing. DH has a v demanding job, hes late 50s and really needed time out. Having my dad means everything is slower, we can’t do things (like walking or cycling) without leaving him on his own. But mostly it’s the repetitive stories. And he has to tell EVERY. LITTLE. DETAIL. If you try and say you’ve heard it before he gets irritated and says JUST LET ME FINISH. That said he’s nowhere near as difficult as OPs mum.

Can you say you’re going for a brisk walk and suggest she has a relaxing tomorrow so you can have some free time? You’ll have to grin and bear it, but don’t be with her all the time.

Thanks so much all of you. This is exactly what I needed, just a bit of support and understanding. The sun is shining, and we can both sit and read for a bit it seems, so that’s something.

Totally agree. My Mum is 81 and I love taking her away each year. Yes I noticed a difference last year, she talks about the past a lot more now. It's also tiring as I do the cooking, driving etc, but I won't have her forever. It was a lovely gesture of OP to do for her Mum.

Doing 'inappropriate' things for her age could well be part of the dementia. Both dementia and alcohol lead to disinhibition, I can imagine it is difficult to witness.

Anyway, it is good news that you have LPA. And good luck getting through the rest of the holiday. If you ever feel tempted to do this type of good deed again, re-read your thread!

Hearing loss is proven to advance dementia. Is there no chance she can be persuaded to look at hearing aids? There are ones so tiny it’s almost impossible to know someone is wearing them.

my Dad got them in his late 70s and the difference is remarkable.

It’s common for people in the beginning of dementia to sort of manage to muddle through as long as they are at home in familiar surroundings. Sounds like her struggles are more obvious now she is out of her environment.

A trip and fall put my dad in hospital where his vascular dementia symptoms were frighteningly obvious and advanced. A nurse explained it to me as above.

People don’t magically change personalities when they get older. Sounds like she has always been tricky. Smile and nod and just enjoy the sunshine OP.

She’s not been diagnosed with any cognitive issues though - but I guess that’s because she just hasn’t been to the GP yet. She copes with most of every day life at home, I think she’s very borderline with the cognitive issues ie not bad enough for intervention but it’s a matter of time.
Shes been talking about going on her own for a while as they used to travel all the time so winter in the UK will be unbearable for her. But yes agree next year my brother and nieces will likely have to join us for a family break.

The toileting issues would be a deal breaker for me . No way would I want to deal with that on a daily basis. It's only a week , don't expect to have the kind of holiday you envisioned. And restrict any further outings to day trips . The person giving her the fillers should be ashamed of themselves . Not cheap and pretty pointless at her age . Total rip off .

I know re the filler… I think the issue is she acts younger and probably didn’t seem like there was anything much wrong with her?! Although she would’ve surely given her DOB which would’ve told them her age!