Please help me - I am really struggling with this

[Middleagedmanagement]

My 97 yr old mum has amazingly managed to live independently at home with very little help - until now.

She has had 2 falls in quick succession, one of which was a week ago and entailed a deep gash to her head. She was thoroughly tested and checked at A&E but it seems to have made her short term memory even worse than before. Neither my brother nor I live near her and we have been taking it in turns to look after her this week.

During this time a room became available in our first choice of care home in my home town, and we have said we'll take it.

The problem is that (1) she is still VERY resistant to this and (2) she instantly forgets all previous conversations, even something said 10 seconds earlier.

This means that for the last 3 days I have been in a never ending nightmarish loop, where I have to gently explain what's happening next, why it's happening, how it is now a matter of her personal safety and our permanent worry, etc etc. And every time it's as if I've never mentioned it before.

A few times she has come round to agreeing how lovely it would be to see family every day and how lucky she is to have such caring children. But then it's all forgotten and back to square 1 all over again.

I am beyond stressed, hardly sleeping and wondering how on earth I am going to go through with this, even though it is a no brainer and we have no alternative. I think I'm slowly losing my mind. The repetition is brutal.

I'm sorry to rant and I'm not sure how any of you can help, but thanks for listening.

Different circumstances as my mother had a brain tumour, but when she went into care we dressed it up as a temporary thing while she got used to the idea. It’s so distressing for all involved.

We had a similar dilemma last year but my gran was 102. Fiercely independent and always very resistant. In the end a lady from the care home came out to see my gran. She told her to come for a little stay and told her she has a lovely room lined up for her. She spent about an hour taking about the past with my gran and really got to know her and her likes and dislikes. I felt really upset that we were somehow tricking my gran but she agreed rather reluctantly. It became very apparent how much help she needed very quickly after this and did pass away about 5 months later but they were wonderful and we saw her every day still. My mum is 78 so it was becoming too difficult for her to provide care at home and the real fear that she could fall and be in the floor for hours made up our minds.

Hi

I know how difficult this is.

Are you self-funding the care home or receiving an NHS contribution/top-up?

Is your Mum's GP aware? Does she have any formal diagnosis of dementia or equivalent?

Do you hold a Power of Attorney for your Mum? Health and Finance?

Any stay at a care home/nursing home usually includes a 'settling in period'. It is usually 6 weeks.

In my opinion, the best thing to do is to keep her calm and settled but say she is going to stay somewhere else for a while and she can see if she likes it. You could say it's an extended holiday and that the family will be with her each day.

Remember - you are acting in her best interests but yes it's heart-breaking.

You also need to look after yourself.

💐

Do you have LPOA?
I’d call adult social care and get some support say you’ve found a placement and wish to move her into it for her own safety - they were very helpful with my nanna when we moved her and she was very happy and settled once things calmed down.
it is very stressful tho but hopefully in time it’ll be the right thing for her ❤️

Thanks all. She has no formal dementia diagnosis but her memory was pretty patchy even before the fall. Yes - I have both types of LPA and will be invoking the financial one as a matter of urgency.

I've been repeating the whole thing about 'trying out' the care home, seeing lots of family, keeping her safe over and over. There is no other topic of conversation now other than her fall, how it happened, why I'm still here looking after her, why she has to go into a home...and repeat. I have to physically leave the room or go out for a walk for my own sanity.

Absolutely dreading the move and wondering if we'll ever have a normal conversation again.

Dont mention it- if you don’t need to. Just pack a few things for her and say you’re off somewhere nice for a little while and stay vague. She won’t remember anyway so avoid the distress all round by just placating her for now. It’s very sad but better all round this way.

I just wouldn't tell her until the day itself. If youre packing up etc its just organising, having a spring clean and so on. Don't keep repeating the conversation until it's time to make the move.